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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to exaggerate DD's illness

31 replies

sevenkeystomysoul · 27/06/2010 23:13

XP has DD on Sundays, but his plan for today was to drive her long distance to a family bbq. I was worried, as I know he'll have a drink and think it's ok (he drinks when they're local but at least then he gets taxis). Then he told me the house they're going to has a pool. I have concerns about how well he supervises DD when he has her anyway, but the pool factor just hit me in that instinctive, mother, gut reaction way. DD has been a little under the weather, but nothing that would normally make me say she can't go with him. But I did exaggerate how she was in order to stop him having her today. He didn't believe me, of course, said he was coming round to see her himself, but I made excuses (she'd been up all night, was now sleeping). I've never stopped him seeing her before, and I do feel bad for both him and her, but I just couldn't let her go with him, knowing what he's like, and having the fears about today that I had. I just couldn't face having another argument with him about his drinking, had I told him my concerns. BTW, DD and I had a fantastic day today, she's too young to know today is 'daddy's' day. So AIBU when my gut reaction is 'no'?

OP posts:

BeatRoute · 27/06/2010 23:21

I think YWBU, but faced with a gut-feeling I'm not sure if I would have ignored it either.
As her Dad, he should be given the chance to show he can look after her and supervise her properly. Am thinking a family barbecue would have actually been really nice for her and I'm sure there would have been more eyes looking after her than just her Dads.

scottishmummy · 27/06/2010 23:24

you purposefully lied to suit self and justify by lots of what ifs

will you lie again when it suits you?or is this one off

if you have legitimate concerns.raise them calmly.lies and invented illness dont cut it.you have to address concerns as adults

and he will suss you out.only so long you can pull that illness line

valleyqueen · 27/06/2010 23:25

If you had reason to believe he would drink and drive yabu.

valleyqueen · 27/06/2010 23:25

Sorry yanbu (it's the heat)

Original poster

sevenkeystomysoul · 27/06/2010 23:44

BeatRoute, I'm sure she would have had a wonderful time, but sadly, they all drink and my instinct, in this instance, was extremely strong. Also, her dad relies a lot on 'more eyes' and, personally, I think, as her parent, he should be a bit more responsible. I hand over care to him. Scottishmummy, he didn't believe me for a minute, but I think he knows the reasons for today. I have had it out with him time and time again and just couldn't face it again today for many reasons. An example, he asks me why I won't let him have DD overnight, I tell him it's because he is generally in a drink-induced coma by 8pm and would be incapable of looking after her during the night. He doesn't even bother to try telling me that he won't drink if he has her overnight, just says that his 10-year-old son would hear her and deal with her. DD loves her brother, but he wouldn't be able to comfort her at night when she's calling for me, and how unfair to put that on a ten-year-old child.

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 27/06/2010 23:46

I don't think you are BU. We often don't listen to our instincts, which are there for a reason. She is very precious & I am sure it wouldn't kill him not to drink for a few hours!

I don't think I would have let her go either, not with the pool & drink & his obvious lack of suitable supervision.

I wouldn't let her go any time that I thought he may drive with her after he has been drinking. And I would report him for doing so.

differentnameforthis · 27/06/2010 23:51

Imagine this

"XP has DD on Sundays and his plan for today was to drive her long distance to a family bbq. I was worried, as I know he'll have a drink and think it's ok. Then he told me the house they're going to has a pool. I have concerns about how well he supervises DD when he has her anyway, but the pool factor just hit me in that instinctive, mother, gut reaction way. But I decided to let her go anyway. Because it's 'his' day'

He just bought her home & tells me she fell in the pool, she is OK. Just shocked & scared, crying & clingly. He has been drinking & said he was only distracted for a few seconds, but he didn't see her go & wasn't the one to pull her out"

Posters on here would rip OP apart!! There would be all kinds of 'you shouldn't have let her go, you should have said she was too ill' etc. Yes, there would be sympathy, but way more recriminations, imo!

You do what you feel is right, only you know how you feel about certain situations. He'll have plenty of time to see her & one weekend won't matter.

scottishmummy · 27/06/2010 23:52

long term, lying isnt a strategy.if you have concerns address them.do something.making up excuses is avoidant

if he drink drives, report him

is this about drinking or other relationship issues

MrsRhettButler · 27/06/2010 23:56

hear hear diff i totally agree

the thing is, with the 'more eyes' thing, people always assume that 'someone else' knows where the child is.

StayFrostysSockPuppetFriend · 28/06/2010 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

sevenkeystomysoul · 28/06/2010 00:03

differentnameforthis, thank you. I struggled hugely with this at the beginning and told him that if he ever put DD in the car when he had been drinking he would never see her again (he has history, he has admitted that he has driven while drunk with his DS in the car) and also that I would report him to the police. So, rather than not drink when he has DD, he gets taxis. It's not perfect, but at least I know she isn't being driven around by a drunk. However, today taxis wouldn't have been an option (too far) and sadly, I can't trust him not to have 'one or two' and get behind the wheel.

OP posts:

Dominique07 · 28/06/2010 00:04

You know him, trust your instinct, do the best for your child, I'm sure you make sure they spend lots of time together.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/06/2010 00:06

YANBU, in your shoes i would have listened to my gut too.

scottishmummy · 28/06/2010 00:10

what is your long term strategy?how will you address concerns.cant feign illness, make excuses for next 16years?

i completely understand misgivings,but you need an actual strategy. some corrobarating evidence

he wont be put off by your excuses.so what you going to do

Original poster

sevenkeystomysoul · 28/06/2010 00:28

StayFrostys, my DD is just three. She loves her daddy and he loves her, he just loves himself and alcohol more. I never stop him seeing her. but today the alarm bells were too loud to ignore. I can't 'give him a chance' to prove himself because that 'chance' could be my child's life. We have discussed his drinking till the cows come home, he won't stop, so I work around it (no overnight stays, taxis etc). For a myriad of reasons, I couldn't face another fight with him over today so I lied, a little bit. It's the first, but possibly not the last time, and I do feel bad about it but he's a passive-aggresive, as well as an alcoholic, so everything is my fault and he's perfect.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 28/06/2010 00:32

so what are you going to do?cant keep lying

ok,how will you address this
what corroborating evidence you got
he wont be put off by this long term

can you compromise on location,mode of transport etc

or if he is wholly unsuitable you got to get some corroboration going on

this wont go away he will want to see daughter

differentnameforthis · 28/06/2010 05:50

You're welcome seven.

A little fib wouldn't have hurt. Who cares if he didn't believe you, bigger issue is, that you don't believe him to be capable of looking after her. I think maybe as a compromise, I would have suggested another day, if it was obvious he wanted to see her that badly.

SM, leave it now. The op has said that on this occasion she couldn't face a fight & in a way, pulling him up on it may have pissed him off more, made him drink more & therefore have even less 'control' over supervision.

OP is tackling this, long term, I am sure & she doesn't need to explain or justify her choices to you. We don't deal with her exp, she does. I am pretty sure she has her child's interests at heart!

thumbwitch · 28/06/2010 06:04

Under the circs of there being a pool there, I totally agree with what you did, even though lying isn't the best way to do it.

It's so easy and little ones drown so much quicker than adults - I wouldn't have taken that chance either.

As far as the drinking and driving is concerned, you will have to try and work out a way to deal with this long term - perhaps look out a few articles (if you can stand it) on toddler injuries and worse when the parent has been DUI.

No doubt if your ex were more reasonable and easier to deal with you wouldn't have felt the need to lie - but the MAIN thing was to keep your DD safe and you did that.

whoneedssleepanyway · 28/06/2010 06:51

My cousin and her DP took their DS (2 at the time) and his other 2 DCs on holiday to a villa with a pool. One evening they were all having drinks and had some friends over, both thought the other was watching him, someone heard a little "plop" and he had wandered out onto the patio and fallen in the pool, luckily they heard ran out fished him out and he was ok, they were both very very scared, this could easily have had a much unhappier outcome.

i think you were right to have been concerned about this but like others have said you can't lie every time you don't want him to have her, you need to talk to him about his drinking. drinking and driving is totally unacceptable.

gingernutlover · 28/06/2010 08:09

I dont think YWBU

The gut feelings happen for a reason IMO.

you know he deinks and drives, therefore whyon earth should you have let her go somewhere where he would probably do this?

I think you are being accomodating to let him look after her on his own, bearing in mind the alcohol - has the access been agreed through a court? Do they know about the drinking?

AlfredaMantolini · 28/06/2010 08:13

I think he's lucky to have any access at all if he has a drinking problem. I would not let my daughter go, and if it meant lying, then so be it.

foureleven · 28/06/2010 08:17

Doe she have a drink problem or does he jioust like a drink?

I always drink at family occassions but am able to look after the kids.

I think you are very fortunate that your DDs dad wants her so much that he doesnt believe you when you say shes too ill to go and comes round to check. My DDs dad would be like - great! A day off!!

GiddyPickle · 28/06/2010 08:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gingernutlover · 28/06/2010 08:19

"An example, he asks me why I won't let him have DD overnight, I tell him it's because he is generally in a drink-induced coma by 8pm and would be incapable of looking after her during the night. He doesn't even bother to try telling me that he won't drink if he has her overnight, just says that his 10-year-old son would hear her and deal with her"

sounds to me like a drink problem. He may be a doting dad but I don't think the OP feels lucky at all.

foureleven · 28/06/2010 08:37

ok, missed that post. The first one made it sound like the fact he might have a drink will mean he cant look after her.

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