to exaggerate DD's illness

[sevenkeystomysoul]

XP has DD on Sundays, but his plan for today was to drive her long distance to a family bbq. I was worried, as I know he'll have a drink and think it's ok (he drinks when they're local but at least then he gets taxis). Then he told me the house they're going to has a pool. I have concerns about how well he supervises DD when he has her anyway, but the pool factor just hit me in that instinctive, mother, gut reaction way. DD has been a little under the weather, but nothing that would normally make me say she can't go with him. But I did exaggerate how she was in order to stop him having her today. He didn't believe me, of course, said he was coming round to see her himself, but I made excuses (she'd been up all night, was now sleeping). I've never stopped him seeing her before, and I do feel bad for both him and her, but I just couldn't let her go with him, knowing what he's like, and having the fears about today that I had. I just couldn't face having another argument with him about his drinking, had I told him my concerns. BTW, DD and I had a fantastic day today, she's too young to know today is 'daddy's' day. So AIBU when my gut reaction is 'no'?

Oh yes, she is very lucky that she "has concerns about how well he supervises DD when he has her anyway", that he drinks & drives, that he wants to see his daughter, (but can't stay sober for what sounds like a few hours while she is there), that he seems to think he doesn't have a problem with drink! So lucky that she should ignore her instincts & let her go where OP knows her ex will be drinking & not watching their dd v well.

Yes, she needs to face this head on, but I can't believe how many of you are telling her she is BU when all she is doing is making sure her daughter is safe, because it seems like her ex couldn't give a shit!

Fwiw, I would stop access until he can prove he can not drink for the duration of her visit...if she is that important to him, he needs to prove it.

Sorry different name, I apologised because I only read the first post in which the OP's ex didnt come across too badly.

I think if she has real concerns that she should stop access and have it investigated. If there is a real problem there's no point in sending the child sometimes and not others. I mean, I get that the swimming pool is a worry but what about roads, open windows, sharp objects in the kitchen etc etc either he's capable of caring for her or not.

you do need to address concerns you have in a constructive way. if need be someone get support or mediate for you

naturally you are worried about dd welfare, but only so many illnesses you can feign.avoidance is short term.long term you need a plan

if you can give concrete examples,dates of lapses this will support to your concerns

Opps, sorry foureleven. Didn't see that!

Oh OP, I feel for you. My sister had this problem for years. The police wouldn't do anything and the court's wouldn't either. She put up with this for years until the children were old enough to say no to seeing their dad themselves because he was such a raving lunatic who had killed his braincells with alcohol who embarrassed them.