Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want him in our lives ever?

39 replies

Notlovinglife · 27/06/2010 11:37

1 year ago my dh left me for another woman saying that life is too short to be tied down. At the time i was 8 months pg and we already had a two year old dd. 2 weeks after he left i went into labour and had an ecs and a friend looked after dd while i was in hosp. A week later i got an infection and was back in hospital with ds for 10 days. Friend was not able to look after dd so she went into emergency foster care (something i will never forgive myself for) until i was back home as when hospital social worker called dh he said he was on holiday and couldn't come back to care for her. Dd now has serious separation anxiety issues due to this. I have no family so there was noone for her to stay with. When i got home, i was very weak abd could not cope so in desperation i called Dh's brother and wife who flew over from Canada to help me recuperate and they were bloody fantastic.

I allowed dh to have the dd on alternate weekends from 3 months ago for her sake as she really loves her dad. He is living with this bitch woman and showed no interest in ds when he was born but got in touch with me again to say that he wanted access to the dcs. I allow him to spend time with ds when he picks dd up but feel ds is too little to spend whole weekend away from me. Dh is continuing to pay the mortgage and i still have access to the joint account which will cease once the divorce comes through.

Yesterday morning, i recieved a phone call from dh to say that he wants sole custody of the dc's as he feels that he and this woman can provide a better life for them. He informed me that we will have to sell the house as he and this woman have bought a five bedroom house and he cannot afford two mortgages. I am afraid to say that the red mist descended and i lost my temper big time with him. Half an hour later his bitch girlfriend called me and told me that she is disgusted with my behaviour and thinks that i am an unfit mother if i can lose my temper like that. I am so scared of what will happen next. I have no money for solicitors, a rubbish job that pays eff all, and no real support network. I want him out of our lives as he left me in the shit just when i needed him and now he has the effing cheek to wnat custody.

sorry if this is rambling, i have had no sleep.

OP posts:
bronze · 27/06/2010 11:41

Right phone CAB first thing tomorrow morning. They will help you arrange for a solicitor and any other help you may need.
/keep note of everything they say and do from now on and if they call say they will have to deal with your solicitor and you will let them know who that is very soon.

LostInTheWoods · 27/06/2010 11:44

You poor soul. This man is a turd.

The fact that he decided to buy a great big house is irrelevent to you. Ignore it.

If you are on a low wage, you may be entitled to legal aid. The best thing you can do is go to your local CAB. They will point you in the right direction regarding appropriate legal help.

He does not have the right to "inform" you of anything. He has the right to negotiate with you.

Whatever you do, remain in the family home and get legal advice.

Good luck pet xx

TheButterflyEffect · 27/06/2010 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CardyMow · 27/06/2010 11:46

Yanbu. Is there any chance that you would qualify for legal aid? The chance of your ex getting custody of your dc's when he walked out on you when you were 8 months pg, and wouldn't even be there for your DD when you were ill will just show the courts that he does not take his responsibilities seriously. Stop worrying, and hard as it is, don't let your e or his new bit of fluff rattle you, in the end he will show his true colours, and you won't lose custody of your dc's just because you lost your temper (understandably) with your ex. Obviously even his own family know what he has been like. The courts will award him every other weekend, maybe when they are older, one night overnight during the week, and half of all school holidays. It's exceedingly unlikely to be anything more than that unless you are either using drugs, an alchohlic, or very neglectful (proven, with SS reports) or abusive towards your dc's. None of which sounds like what you've said. And as for your DD being in EFC while you were ill in hospital...your e wouldn't cut short his fun for his responsibilities, you couldn't leave her on her own, just look on it as a childminder for while you were ill. Your DD will get over the separation anxiety.

Mishy1234 · 27/06/2010 11:47

I agree with bronze. Get on the phone first thing tomorrow and get the ball rolling for as much help as you can get.

You will feel much better once you've got some support and the CAB is the best place to start. They'll know exactly how to get things moving as quickly as possible for you.

LittleMissHissyFit · 27/06/2010 11:47

Second the advice above. YANBU.

How dare he, and worse SHE?

Can you change your number?

Morloth · 27/06/2010 11:48

Get a lawyer RIGHT NOW.

Do not move out, don't let those kids out of your sight until contact is officially agreed and document document document. No more "talking" all interaction needs to be via email/letter/text message. Something that can be saved and reproduced later.

Once you have a lawyer, tell him to speak to them rather than you.

Original poster
Notlovinglife · 27/06/2010 11:49

Thanks for the speedy replies. I think he feels guilty in a weird way and this is his way of 'making amends' towards dd. I just don't need the hassle of it all. I don't smoke, take drugs or neglect my dc's. I have the odd glass of wine now and then but nothing that could warrant having my dc's taken away from me.

OP posts:
JenniPenni · 27/06/2010 11:50

I would IMMEDIATELY write down any and ALL time he has actually spent with his kids. Start building up your defence. Write how much the fam from Canada helped etc too. EVERYTHING.

The look to legal aid as others have mentioned. Sorry this is happening, not a nice piece of work, is he

LostInTheWoods · 27/06/2010 11:50

Another thought:

If I were you, I would not answer any phonecalls from these people. At least for a week or so. Let the dust settle while you get some outside help.

Take a deep breath and keep the moral high ground, hard I know but worth it when it'll be you walking away from this mess with your head held high.

peeringintothevoid · 27/06/2010 11:58

Bloody hell what a horrible situation for you
There's good advice here; follow it!!

Best of luck, and draw on all the emotional support you can on here.

{{{hug}}}

chipmonkey · 27/06/2010 12:22

Oh you poor thing! at him for you and just wanted to say that no court in the country will think a 5 bed house will make up for his past behaviour.

jacksgrannie · 27/06/2010 12:30

Cannot give you any real advice on your relationship (but much sympathy). Reiterate others' advice you must get legal advice - you can check if you will be eligible for legal aid on the calculator here www.communitylegaladvice.org.uk/ (sorry can't do links).

You can also get a certain amount of free legal advice on the telephone - tel no on the website.

pranma · 27/06/2010 15:00

He is trying to intimidate you as he knows you are vulnerable.I'd allow no further access until it has been agreed by courts.Change the locks on the doors and talk to CAB tomorrow.Make sure you document everything with dates and times.
It doesnt matter how big his house is his capacity for humanity is obviously miniscule.

shinysparkles · 27/06/2010 15:34

He will not get full custody of your kids, no way.xx

EricNorthmansmistress · 27/06/2010 15:47

Oh wow what a massive cunt. Don't worry, no court will grant him residence of either DC based on what you have said. All your solicitor would need to do would be to point out that he chose to have his DD looked after by strangers at a cost of £1000+ to the taxpayer rather than leave his holiday early. Good father = I think not.

that he dares to try to pull this with you. Don't let him or his bitch OW intimidate you - you are the mum and the primary (only!) carer and they stay with you - even if you were living in a one room flat they would still stay with you.

racmac · 27/06/2010 15:55

www.legalservices.gov.uk/civil/guidance/eligibility_calculator.asp

This is the legal aid eligibility calculator - complete it and see if you can get help.

Please dont worry about the shit that they are saying - he will not get residence - a lot of dads threaten this it doesnt happen.

BootyMum · 27/06/2010 23:34

No new advice or ideas but just wanted to say good luck and to get all the support you can.

tartyhighheels · 27/06/2010 23:46

There is no way at all he will get custody so try not to panic too much about that. Eric is right, he is a massive cunt and you do not deserve this at all. Personally I would stop contact until you have some sort of agreement. From now on write everything down that is said and also try to only communicate in writing because the he said/she said stuff is damaging and exhausting for you and the court.

Lots of Dads play this card and it is a crock of shit because you can only even get shared residence if you agree to it.

Take care love and look after yourself.

prozacfairy · 28/06/2010 07:13

at the nerve of both of them! Like the others said get legal advice they can't take take the DCs away from you. Makes me wonder if they actually realise that already and for some sick reason they are goading you, why else would they phone you up and tell you this way? Really feel for you my dad used to play these games with my mum he had a real knack for it

GoodDaysBadDays · 28/06/2010 07:53

OMG what a hideous thing to do to you

As others have said he has no chance with residency

Definitely start writing EVERYTHING down -Good and bad on his and your part. eg Include when you lost your temper and why, far from making you look bad it will show the effect it has on you and most importantly show the honesty of your evidence. Make it like a diary. Even small point build up over time. It also helps you to remember everything more clearly later on (which is not always that easy with emotions involved)

I can vouch for how useful this is, my solicitor advised me to do this and it was the best piece of advice she gave me (The judge took my lengthy detailed diaries as the full truthful evidence in our residency hearing, in effect dismissing everything else)

Sending you lots of strength for the coming weeks and months x

AnyFucker · 28/06/2010 08:28

Bastard (and her too)

Good advice from the other posts. Seek legal advice, document everything and communicate through formal channels now.

He will not take your children from you. I guarantee that.

gillybean2 · 28/06/2010 09:32

Even if he does go to court over this (and it will cost him a fair bit to do it), it will take many months of reports, CAFCASS, attempts to reach a solution between you etc before the court will order anything to happen.

You have been reasonable, facilitationg contact when he asked for it and putting your dd's needs at the forefont of your decision, asking him to have dd when you were ill etc. He is the one being unreasonable and you must show that at all times.

Don't stop contact because of this, it may highten your dd's separation anxiety and it will make you appear unreasonable. Keep the contact in place going. Court's don't like to see too much change to the normal routine. However if no contact is happening they will probably insist on some at an early stage.

Write down the situation up to now, but bear in mind he will simply argue that is in the past and he has changed (re not wanting to be tied down).
And as others have said keep detailed notes on everything!
If you don't get legal aid you can represent yourself in court and have a McKenzie's friend with you for help and support. So don't worry too much on that one just yet.

He has clearly told the OW a pack of lies and she has no reason to doubt him yet. He also probably misses the dc like mad and did't realise how tough it would be, but it was his decision to leave, so he has to accept the consequences of that.

Stay strong, go to CAB and get all the advice you can from here. Lots of people in the lone parent threads have been through same/similar and can give you help and advice when you need it.

Best wishes

porcamiseria · 28/06/2010 09:47

agree with others, any man that allows his kid to go into emergency foster care cos hes on "holiday" will NOT get sole custody

what a cunt, and her too

do keep a diary and note/document all . you will never remeber it all

stay strong,and dont let them bully you

good advice on here, follow it

FIGHT THEM

and what goes around does tend to come around xx

looneymum · 28/06/2010 09:56

NLL. Hope you got some sleep. Just wanted to say that the advice on here is fab. It has kept me sane thru some horrible times. Definitely second the documenting everything. Get a book specifically for that purpose. Write dates/times of e-mails, mobile, tel and physical contact down as soon as it happens or you with forget the detail. I was left with loads of stuff to try and collate the contact info from and really wished I had kept it in one place when things went to court.

Cafcass were fantastic in my case. They are solely interested in what is best for the children. Be honest and "be yourself". Let him get on with his court threat, you have done nothing wrong. Do not punish yourself for losing your temper, you are protecting your brood from someone who appears not to give a fuck and that is allowed. xx

Swipe left for the next trending thread