..to not want my mother to stay for a week not long after having my first baby?

[summerfruitsalad]

Hello mums and mums to be,

Am new to mumsnet and have been reading a while so thought I'd join up as some advice I have read has been very sound and I have a problem I could do with some perspective on.

Am due tomorrow (no idea why I'm still up!), have had a very good pregnancy with some minor high BP problems but otherwise done well. Wish I knew if baby was coming but still may be a while I guess! I'm 24, married and moved out with my now hubby when I was 21 not long after getting back from completing university.

This baby is much wanted, we were very lucky to fall quickly after we got married, baby will be the first grandchild on both sides. I have a strange relationship with my mother, she is a difficult person, was a complete pita when organising the wedding and there are some aspects of her personality I really don't like. Hubby hates her with a passion, we met at 16 and he saw the emotional crap I went through with her as a teenager as she just made me miserable and all the small things that have happened since.

Cue the pregnancy. We told them at 5 weeks, she was very excited, made her swear to secrecy until the 12 week scan, no idea if she adhered to that or not. We decided not to find out the sex which put her out a bit as she wanted to know. She has also knitted a lot of lovely cardigans including a pink one ("just in case"). She is convinced baby is a girl and nicknamed the bump 'Lillie', even asking me in an email how 'Lillie' was. That really annoyed me as I know she will not pay half as much attention to a boy as a girl.

She also announced that she will come and stay with me for a week after hubby goes back to uni (we live 100 miles apart) "to look after me after her daughter has had a baby" because it "is tradition" and her "perogative" to do so. This scares the hell out of me, I don't feel like I can spend that much time alone with her let alone have her tell me how to raise my baby when I will still be at a stage where I am learning everything about him/her. She didn't even ask if I wanted her to come up, she just told me she was and that she could take time off work short notice. Even after her getting pissy at me cos hubby and I couldn't stay for a long visit she asked me if I actually did want her there and I said, I really don't know, I'd rather see at the time and then ask. She then ignores this and tells my brother in front of me she is still coming.

We have a big problem in that there is nowhere for her to sleep except the living room floor on a blow up mattress - simply not practical - we live in a small 2 bed house and the spare room is a small nursery which will be in use. She made a comment that it looked small and she might have to book in a hotel for a week, expensive, no?

Did you need someone there after hubby/partner went back to work - what honestly needs doing that I can't do myself during the day? Baby will be my priority and I plan to BF so not like I can have someone else do that for me! We are lucky in that hubby is a post grad student and can very much do his own hours with uni and could come home if I really needed him. I am worried about the stress just having anyone stay for a week would cause and that it might affect baby too.

Did anyone have a parent stay for the third week - what did they do and was it useful for you?

The whole idea just doesn't seem practical but I can't just tell her 'no I don't need you' as she'll get stroppy and won't talk to me or com up with tons of reasons I do need her there because she's done it all before and my nan stayed with my parents after I was born.

Any advice or experience anyone has been through would be really helpful, sorry its long!

I went through a phase during the pregnancy where I thought I'd want my mom with me during the birth and afterward, but it passed. Particularly as my own mother was sensible enough to say that it was time for me and DH and baby to bond as a family.

I had an emergency C Section and DH had to go back to work after 2 weeks, and I got on fine. We have no family or friends up where we live (my parents are in the U.S., DH's are 3.5 hours away and can't travel).

Lots of people asked me 'is your mother/mother-in-law coming to help?' and always felt sorry for me when I said 'no', but actually, it really was ok! I just concentrated on breastfeeding and sleeping when I could. I did manage to get stuff done around the house but we probably did eat a lot of takeaway that first month.

I talked to my mom on the phone when I wanted a bit of support, came on MN for the same, and I really did manage fine. Remember this is your time with your new baby and it's got sod-all to do with your mother. If it is going to stress you out having her there, don't do it.

forgot to say

YANBU

and

good luck!

YANBU

I posted a related thread on the pregnancy board last week, as my mum and dad are coming to visit when the baby is born and then my mum is coming for a full week on her own when DH's paternity leave ends. I don't mind day visits but am not entirely comfortable with the full week. I'm letting her come because I think it's the nice/right thing to do (my parents have to suffer both grandkids living much nearer the in-laws than them) but I can't say I'm looking forward to it. And from the sounds of it my mother/daughter relationship is better than yours!

You'll find a lot of people on here saying of course you should be grateful, she's just an excited gran and you'll want to be there one day when your child has children and she might be a good support. I can see all that but I think it depends very much on the relationship you have already and also how annoying/useful she'll be around the house when you're trying to bond.

The advice I got was to be as honest about your feelings and upfront as possible (without being cruel, I guess!). I've warned my parents there might be times when I need time alone/might be emotional etc. I've told DH that he needs to help me out if I face any problems with his parents. Of course it might all go swimmingly, but I find it useful to be mentally prepared. I plan to say that if they need food/drinks etc that they'll have to help out. Tbh we don't have the money at the moment to feed loads of guests as well as ourselves.

Best of luck!

Agree with cat64.
Everyone different, but I was fine when DH went back to work, two weeks after em. sec. despite also managing to cause 10 stitches in leg four days after dd born.
However would have loved mum to stay but not around any more. So, as we say, all circs different.
Maybe, if she thinks is good idea and is willing to pay why not let her stay in hotel and visit?
Hope all goes well with you, really at this point, just concentrate on you as much as you are able!

I would just say that you can't do it unless she stays in a B&B. I wouldn't begrudge her the exciting time with her first grandchild, and feeling useful, but having her there 24/7 on an airbed in the livingroom? No way no how.

how you feel is how you feel, you can't help it. you are not being unreasonable. is their anyway you can just be open with her and ask for a few days to bond with the baby before she comes to stay? you could also maybe tell her you would appreciate the help but could she stay for only a couple of days as you really want to try and get the hang of it on your own and don't want to be dependent on having someone their?

i have to be honest, i had a difficult, long labour which resulted in an emergency section. had to stay in hospital for a week after my DD's birth, then went to stay at my mother's for a few days after release from hospital. had really bad PND and the stay at my mother's is a blur. when i got home i so wanted my mum with me, but my mum has other commitments that she unfortunately couldn't get out of. i felt a bit lost and alone but i got through it and feel stronger for it now.

just bare in mind that your mum coming to stay for a few days may be a good thing.

Difficult.

I don't know if I'd want my mother around, especially as a) she doesn't like babies, b) isn't that nurturing and c) has never actually given birth (3 CS).

But I'd rather have her than my MIL, who is lovely but controlling.

At 3 weeks you'll either be in full babymoon or panicking. I'd reserve the option of support if I were you! Possibly phrased something like 'oh we're fine at the moment but maybe in a few weeks' when you're more confident in your parenting, baby hits growth spurt and she can do the night feeds if she wants to be involved!

She can do cleaning and batch cook for you, hold baby while you have a shower, bring you glasses of water when you're dying of thirst mid-BF, take baby fir a walk so you can sleep, do shopping etc.

Good luck for the birth!

Let me just clarify my mother'snever given birth naturally - those were planned CS, epidural, nice and relaxed, 2 week hospital stay with 24 hour monitoring for baby, lots of help BFing, a full time nanny for us older ones and a maternity nurse when she got home.

I know she thinks everyone is like that and can't accept the possibility if a long exhausting labour and being booted out of hosp asap.

Let her come, but stay in a hotel. Maybe suggest 5 days rather than a full week?

Not wanting to hijack, but frackitt, I have two dd's. two cs's, I gave birth twice.

Surely your Mum wants to come to help you. If you are breast feeding, that might be all you can do, except sleep. Your Mum can cook, clean and as someone else said, look after you.

Also wont the baby be sleeping in your room, so the spare room will be available?

I would loved my mum, step mum or MIL to have been there the first few weeks but was very lucky that my sister came.

Only you know your mum and if she is going to get on your nerves and your husband's, better not have her to stay.

I adore my mum,but i refused to have her move in with me for even a short time when my three DC'S were born. My mum is a person who will always find something negative to say and to be frank ,i didn't want to be stuck with her. I found that i coped better than expected. My mother is a fantastic grandmother and my children love her, but i believe that if she had stayed with me after i had just given birth, we would no longer be on speaking terms.

As others have said, only you know your mum, and hiw difficult it could be.

For example

"Surely your Mum wants to come to help you....Your Mum can cook, clean and as someone else said, look after you."

...might be true of some mums, but others can be hard work, and mean that there is more to do.

When I came back from hospital with dd1, dh had to go back to work, but I found it easier to be on my own, not getting dressed, looking after dd and lying around not worrying about the mess.

I found it invaluable. You will be very, very tired. But people are different.

I can understand not wanting your mum there. My mum's lovely, and we haven't had the difficulties in our relationship that you seem to have had with your mum. However, she would love to hold baby while I slept, ate etc, but wouldn't help with housework or lift a finger for cups of tea and expected meals cooked etc. It was actually quite stressful to have her around.

I'd stress the B&B is essential!

I have a similar relationship with my mother and with my first dc she wanted to come and stop - I said no. I wanted yo learn my way not hers iyswim. plus when she did visit for day she was very domineering so I knew I had made right decision. I was fine when he went back to work but he didn't live away. and tbh dh wasn't off straight away. he took paternity when ds1 was 4 weeks old .

also agree with above post that she would happily sit and hold baby but would not lift a finger to help but then would criticise house . forgot to say yanbu.

i wish my mum had been there, although I can understand why some people wouldn't

i went into labour early, giving birth after 48 very long hours, i then spent 4 nights in hospital with next to no sleep. By the time I got home I was developign PND and really needed help, my dh was fab but when he went back to work I really needed my mum (she met a new boyfriend about a week before dd was born and pretty much dissapeared off the face of the earth), sorry that sounds really bitter

so what i mean is dont burn your bridges with her, if you think she would do useful things (and stay in a b and b) while she was there then let her come, you may be fine or you may not, but either way if it means a bit of extra sleep and some moral support then dont turn it down.

YANBU, tell her - don't leave anyway for her to misunderstand. I did it without any family support but I had my partner with me. The first 6 weeks are HARD and if you bf you'll think you're never going to get them off the boob if your baby is the kind of milk monster The Cub was. But it's worth it If your mother will make it harder for you by just being their go it alone.

WasVPleasedSheDidn'tHaveToPutUpWithCrapFromHerMotherTiggaxx

My IL's live a long way from us and wanted to come and stay but I said no - that I needed to be on my own. My Mum has always been very good with things like this i.e. she will come and help me right away if I need her. This what parents should do - not impose themselves.
I think the B&B is the right thing to suggest here - and maybe just for a couple days only. You need time to bond with your baby and I'm sure you'll be absolutely fine. Your partner sounds like he will be there a lot anyway.
Sometimes you just have to stick to your guns and not let people take try to take over you life. You'll feel a lot better that you did it and your Mum will just have to deal with it. She's not going to want to risk not seeing her grandchild by falling out with you. Good luck!

frakkit you obviously have issues with your mother, but please don't insult a significant proportion of mners by insinuating that we didn't give birth to our own children.

OP - my mother came to stay with me after both dds were born, and I found it invaluable. However it sounds like your mother is bossy and overbearing and also that you haven't yet established proper boundaries with her.

It is absolutely not her prerogative to come and stay, and the very fact if her saying that would be a deciding factor in not letting her come.

You will be better off alone than with someone who is likely to make the whole experience about them.

Skidoodly I think frakkit was referring
As much to help and support after birth That her mother got as to the birth experience and I think she has a point as I think mothers were kept in hospital longer year ago .

Op- I sympathise with you as I too
Have difficult relationship with my mother (dh also not keen). I had no one stay with me and dh went back to work less than a week after dd was born but took odd days off. Yes you are less able to do stuff (quite how much varies) but stocking freezer, Internet shopping , take aways and just letting housework
Slide for few weeks helps.

Also echo fortuna that lots of people say give gp a break they are excited but if their involvement doesn't cptributr to your emotional well being at this time then I think your wishes should e put first.

Good luck