..to not want my mother to stay for a week not long after having my first baby?

[summerfruitsalad]

Hello mums and mums to be,

Am new to mumsnet and have been reading a while so thought I'd join up as some advice I have read has been very sound and I have a problem I could do with some perspective on.

Am due tomorrow (no idea why I'm still up!), have had a very good pregnancy with some minor high BP problems but otherwise done well. Wish I knew if baby was coming but still may be a while I guess! I'm 24, married and moved out with my now hubby when I was 21 not long after getting back from completing university.

This baby is much wanted, we were very lucky to fall quickly after we got married, baby will be the first grandchild on both sides. I have a strange relationship with my mother, she is a difficult person, was a complete pita when organising the wedding and there are some aspects of her personality I really don't like. Hubby hates her with a passion, we met at 16 and he saw the emotional crap I went through with her as a teenager as she just made me miserable and all the small things that have happened since.

Cue the pregnancy. We told them at 5 weeks, she was very excited, made her swear to secrecy until the 12 week scan, no idea if she adhered to that or not. We decided not to find out the sex which put her out a bit as she wanted to know. She has also knitted a lot of lovely cardigans including a pink one ("just in case"). She is convinced baby is a girl and nicknamed the bump 'Lillie', even asking me in an email how 'Lillie' was. That really annoyed me as I know she will not pay half as much attention to a boy as a girl.

She also announced that she will come and stay with me for a week after hubby goes back to uni (we live 100 miles apart) "to look after me after her daughter has had a baby" because it "is tradition" and her "perogative" to do so. This scares the hell out of me, I don't feel like I can spend that much time alone with her let alone have her tell me how to raise my baby when I will still be at a stage where I am learning everything about him/her. She didn't even ask if I wanted her to come up, she just told me she was and that she could take time off work short notice. Even after her getting pissy at me cos hubby and I couldn't stay for a long visit she asked me if I actually did want her there and I said, I really don't know, I'd rather see at the time and then ask. She then ignores this and tells my brother in front of me she is still coming.

We have a big problem in that there is nowhere for her to sleep except the living room floor on a blow up mattress - simply not practical - we live in a small 2 bed house and the spare room is a small nursery which will be in use. She made a comment that it looked small and she might have to book in a hotel for a week, expensive, no?

Did you need someone there after hubby/partner went back to work - what honestly needs doing that I can't do myself during the day? Baby will be my priority and I plan to BF so not like I can have someone else do that for me! We are lucky in that hubby is a post grad student and can very much do his own hours with uni and could come home if I really needed him. I am worried about the stress just having anyone stay for a week would cause and that it might affect baby too.

Did anyone have a parent stay for the third week - what did they do and was it useful for you?

The whole idea just doesn't seem practical but I can't just tell her 'no I don't need you' as she'll get stroppy and won't talk to me or com up with tons of reasons I do need her there because she's done it all before and my nan stayed with my parents after I was born.

Any advice or experience anyone has been through would be really helpful, sorry its long!

If it won´t work, tell her no.
Now, this is in no way meant to be offensive to those whose Mums/MILs did stay & help, but it is quite possible to have a baby, bfeed & look after self, baby & house.

In face it´s possible to have & toddler & newborn & cope.

I had noone to stay either time & would not have wanted it tbh.

I could not think of anything worse-even though mum & I do get own.

I wanted to adjust myself asap to being a family.

MIL wanted to stay for a week afetr DS1. She is demanding, absent minded and difficult. We just said no overnight guests until the baby is in a routine. Blanket rule- both sides of family. She kicked off but we stuck to our guns. You have my sympathy OP. YANBU.

I'd have her there regardless of how you feel now

You never know, it may take something like this to make her realise that you both need to work on your relationship

Think of how she feels and how important this is to her - nothing worse than feeling unwanted when all you are trying to do is help

I think the hotel is a good idea, especially if you can find one a bit of a drive away. If she's getting on your nerves, it'll allow you to have time without her. But if you're getting so surprisingly well, you can suggest she cancels the rest of the booking and comes to sleep in your living room.

Please read my second post - I clarified it with naturally when I missed out a word. She has never given birth NATURALLY. The 2 experiences are very different. As are planned vs emergency CSs.

Poppy has put it better than I did. I just think my mothers birth experiences were very far from the average/the one I am likely to have and as such she has unrealistic expectations. I love her to pieces but birth/babies is the one area we differ on. I've worked with too many exhausted, post natal mums who've had long tiring labours, been sent home knackered and never caught up to believe that it's all rosy like she does.

It's something the OP might want to take into account. I feel mothers often think their daughters will have very similar birth experiences to them and if her mother had it easy but the OP doesn't then the last thing OP will need is to be told 'buck up, I sneezed and you slid out with no fuss, BFing was a doddle and babies sleep a lot, why are you complaining?'

I had my first baby in Sierra Leone where dh was working and my mum flew out from England to be with me for 2 weeks before and 2 after the birth.It was wonderful and meant our relationship was improved.When baby wouldnt stop crying she took him out in pram,she made me lots of tasty little meals,she handwashed all baby clothes and cooked for dh every night.It was great to be able to say,'What do you think mum?'and to be able to trust her absolutely.
My own dd had her first ds in 2006 and as she lives near and her dh had paternity leave,I just waited till I was asked round [every day ]stayed a couple of hours then went home.I was dx with breast cancer when that baby was 2 weeks old and with surgery,chemo etc wasnt able to be much use.I treasured those 2 weeks and I bet your mum will treasure her week too.Wont you have baby in with you at first so mum could have blow up on nursery floor?

YANBU.

My OH wanted MIL (and FIL) to come to stay for a month after DD arrived- as we live overseas and flights are difficult they would have had to come for at least two weeks. I put my foot down as I didn't want people staying with us for that long. No way would I have been comfortable breast feeding in front of FIL so would have ended up spending most of my time locked in a bedroom. I was also a little intimidated as MIL has 4 DS.

I ended up having a planned C section and OH had two weeks paternity leave. It was okay TBH and you have to go solo at some point. I did book cleaners who came every week and that helped a lot on a practical level without adding stress. And OH since volunteered that he thinks it was the right decision. We found our own way, and it also seems clear that our parents generation often didn't cope as well as we imagined. There is a lot more information out there these days to help us.

Good luck. And enjoy.

My mum came on 4th week for 4 nights. It took lots of negotiation to keep her away that long.

She has health condition so needs lots of support. She couldnt even put the kettle on as she "couldnt see the switch"... so I ended up looking after her and the baby and recovering from cs!

She did really enjoy the baby tho and even though it was hard for us, we felt she is entitled to see her grandchild, so tried to stay as calm as possible with her, but the visit really was all about her.

My advice? make it as easy as possible for yourselves.. and if shes offering to stay in a hotel, thats great. You could also ask her what she wants to do to contribute and help.

My MIL came for 2 months when my DS was 6 weeks old. I didn't realise she was coming for so long - no one asked/told me - it was the nail in the coffin for my relationship with DS's dad - she refused to speak English to me (despite being an English teacher and fluent), didn't help with any housework (and dragged her fingers through the dust whereever she saw it), gave orders through her son (my XP) if she wanted me to do something for DS(I felt like the nanny), took DS out my arms constantly saying in English (the only time she spoke it) "come to mummy"!. I packed my bags after 2 weeks and went back home to my own mum (who had just lost her mother). XP came and got me but it was hell on earth. We only ever spoke once after that and I never saw her again as we split 2 years later.

Let your mum come. It's only a week. You don't know how lucky you are. Let her take the baby out for a walk each day so you can get a few hours rest, order takeaway or have ready meals. If she stays in a B&B I don't see the problem.

What would put me on my guard is the "it´s tradition" and "her prerogative"-it´s supposed to be about OP & her new baby.

TBH, I wouldn´t make any plans until the baby is here & see how you feel.

YANBU.

It's not a good sign that she's already completely ignoring summerfruitsalad's wishes before the baby's even here. I can't imagine that she's going to suddenly start listening to her when the baby arrives.

Slightly off the point but I can also picture a scenario where SFS has a girl and her mother insists on calling her Lillie even if it's not the baby's actual name.

In the interests of keeping the peace I would say that she can come but that a week is too long.

Rarebear - it's good to take other people's feelings into consideration, but after giving birth, isn't it more important to look at what the new mum wants, rather than letting her mum stay regardless of how she feels about it?

I would have appreciated the help if she's the sort of Mum who will do washing and cleaning and cooking and respect how you want to do things with the baby. I didn't want to be apart from the baby at all at that stage, even for someone to take her for a walk so if your Mum is going to be pushy then I think it might be best not to. I certainly wasn't up to looking after anyone else or making cups of tea or having long conversations.

Well, not sure how it went for others, but for example my first fed a lot at night and seemingly not so much in the day.
Often there would be a 7am feed, & we would then sleep on until 10/11.

I also often slept in the day when baby did.

Having someone in the house would just have been ridiculous in my case.

I think you may not know how you'll feel and what you'll need until afterwards, so it may be an idea to keep the option there. But it's your birth and it's about the three of you and what you need, not about anyone else.

So much depends on how you feel once your DH has gone back to his job. You may be coping fine (you sound very together, so assume you will!) or you may be exhausted/feeling clueless and in need of support.

Is your mother the right person to provide that support? You say your husband is quite flexible in his hours, so perhaps having your mum to stay really isn't necessary. I think other MNers suggestion of the hotel is excellent. You don't have to justify this, simply say there isn't room for her to stay.

Not everyone needs/wants their mum around. My own mother died before I had my DC, so there was no option. I coped with the help of DH for the first week, then MIL came shortly after for a couple of days, which was great as she is very hands on - cooking meals, watching the baby if I needed to pop out.
Three weeks or so after the birth I felt fine and was happy to be by myself/seeing friends with their babies/keeping in touch with work.

You could say to your DM you want to "play it by ear" and could she please be flexible and you will see what help you need.

Blimey, Tabliope I am open mouthed at how rude your ex's mum was.

TBH, if you have a fairly straightforward birth, I can´t think why you would need your mum or indeed anyone to help you.

If you want company/support, that´s entirely different.

But mostly housework can be done whilst baby sleeps-or left for husband!

I have to say I found the first few days after coming home from hospital very, very tiring and overwhelming. For all of my babies, I had either my dsis or my Mum staying and tbh, I'm not sure how well I would have coped without them.

However, if my Mum was more like MIL, I think it would have been far worse than being on my own. Her unsolicited and ignorant advice would have driving me to distraction.

Thank you very much for your responses, I can see I am going to have to be very clear about my wishes with her when the subject comes up again.

Skidoodly - what you said absolutely rang true - she is likely to make the whole 'coming to look after me' thing about her, it is what she does and I have a feeling it is something she has been going on about at her workplace as she works with two other women with daughters around my age, it is all about appearances and how great she can be. I doubt she would cook, my Dad does all the cooking at theirs plus hubby and I have prepared some freezer meals which we know won't take a lot of effort to cook. You are also completely right, we have not yet established proper boundaries. She still sees me as a 16 year old (has told my entire family, hubby and PILs that she hated me when I was that age) and doesn't see me as an adult.

I understand I may feel very different if I end up with a c-section or difficult birth, I just wish she hadn't have invited herself up months ago and just listened to me when I said I'd rather wait and see, it really doesn't need planning so far in advance!

A B&B is going to be the only option if she does come, I will want baby in with me but the nursery is full of furniture and the cot-bed doesn't fit in our bedroom plus we will use it to change baby in the night etc.

Because we live 100 miles away from both our families (who live a ten min walk apart) we only visit once a month and occasionally they will come to us - so many problems have arisen because we spend more time with hubby's family apparently - it is all about competition with my mum and she would have to be the first person to hold the baby and would have to be the favourite grandmother. I get on really well with my MIL, I completely trust her which gets up my mums back a bit. I wonder if my mum thinks she won't see baby that often and because she is the maternal grandmother thinks she should have more access and be more involved in their life, personally hubby and I think our children should see just as much of each side of the family!

I would be happy her staying in a B&B for a few days and coming over during the day but with emphasis on getting to know her grandchild rather than 'looking after me' for show because ultimately it's the baby she is really interested in and I know that. From what I have read we all know our own mothers! I do wonder what the hormones and tiredness will do to me in being completely honest too!

I am very grateful for all your replies and will continue to mull this over. For now baby does not want to seem to make an appearance so I will have a bowl of ice cream and try to keep cool!