To have said no to Ex Partner's DD coming to DS's party?

[edinburger]

Please mumsnet jury let me have your opinion as I am worried that I have been unreasonable.

Will try to summarise.....

Ex P and I split three years ago when DS was 2. Ex P has now moved to another town as sees DS very irregularly (around once per six weeks but is unreliable and short notice). Ex P has a DD who is 12 who lives abroad with her Mum.

It is DS's birthday party on saturday - I am having it at home and have invited 7 four and five year olds to come and organised party games food etc all on my own.

Ex P calls yesterday to say that he will come and collect DS and take him overnight until Saturday (think this is the second or third time he has done so).

He then added "oh by the way there will be my DD at his party"

I was a bit surprised and just saw red (had a traumatic day as was DS's settling in day at school which I may add Ex P did not ask about).

I feel that he wants to dump his DD on me for some free childcare (highly likely he has made plans with his pals here to meet in pub for football).

I said no as the party is all organised now for four and five year olds so it would not be appropriate for his DD to be there at such short notice. She is 12 and will know me and DS so I woudl find having her there another thing for me to worry about as I'd want her not to feel left out, yet I'm already a bit stressed with organising party with so many children.

Now I feel that I have been unreasonable and should have just said "oh great DS will love that".

What do you think? (sorry so long!)

how often does your ds see her?

Ultimately she is his half sister, so I do think yabu a bit. But tbh I can't imagine a twelve yo would want to go to a party for four and five yo's anyway.

she is his sister and can come if her father is staying - if he plans to leave she must leave with him

i think YABU im afraid.

She is your son's sister. she will be older but why not use that to your advantage and have her helping out a little. she will be glad of something to do i imagine.

dont blame her for her fathers inadequacies.

YANBU. If you do feel really bad though why don't you say she can come but he will have to stay and help.

Tbh I think you should let her come. She is your DS's sister and despite how you feel towards your exDP (sounds like you understandably are not happy with his lack of contact with your DS), I don't think it would be fair to exclude her from her brother's party because of that. Your DS might enjoy having his big sister around.

I was ready to say YABU for not letting his half sister at his party but now you've explained the context of it and the fact he's not there, etc, and the fact your DS probably doesn't have a close relationship with her, I think YANBU unless anyone else points out something that sways me otherwise that I have not considered...

Why don't you call back and say would she like to come and be a helper?

I think you're probably gonna get a lot of stick on here, but I can totally relate to how you reacted. Let me be the outsider who can say this is one battle you don't need to fight

It will be great for her and your ds' relationship, make that the focus of your intention and it will be fine.

There is no question of Ex P staying! He wants to dump her and leave.

Ds doesn't see her v often as she lives abroad but he will have spent three days with her and Ex P this week.

I dont like the way he just told you, either. Its a bit rude, family or not. Ex or not. Sister or not. Particularly that he is not actually staying himself. Rude rude rude.

TBH, I don't think you ABU, I think you do have a point. Your ExP could do with the additional 1-to-1 bonding session with his other long distance child.

I also feel the Game on Saturday may be of more interest to him... I agree with you entirely on feeling put upon, I'd be inclined to feel the same...

Invite her round another day if she wants to wish DS happy birthday, but not to a prearranged party for 4 and 5yo children.

i think your reacion was understandable but now you have had time to calm down i hope you change your mind.

Your ex is being an arse but on the upside, might the 12 yo be able to pitch in and help you? You wouldn't have to worry about her feeling excluded and you get an extra pair of hands.

I am still upset by the whole thing and of course I am punishing myself as the last thing that I want to do is to be unfriendly to Ex's DD (when we were together I did a lot of childcare...)

A lot of my issue is to do with the way that Ex P informed me that she was coming.

I am exhaused at the moment and he does so little and has no idea what is involved in bringing up a child (he has two and yet does v little parenting)

If he had asked if she could come or indeed if he had said that he and she woudl like to come to help that woudl be different but just to call up and say she was coming.

He has shown no interest in the party and I honestly feel that he just wants a handy place to dump he so he can go and watch football with his friend who live here.

I am not a horrible person I feel awful and I do think that I did the wrong thing but I just saw red and wanted to stand up for myself instead of being the door mat I usually am as I am so keen for DS to see his Dad I tend to bend over backwards and if I ever do stand up for myself Ex P is so awful that I regret it and back down

Hes going to dump her and leave? Then YANBU!

If it was his intention to be at the party and stay, with his DD, then I might have felt your were being a little unreasonable.

BUt, to dump and leave her with you, is wrong and yes she's his sister,but its not the point,they clearly don't have a normal sibling relationship. So I still don't think it was unreasonable. IT is appalling behaviour on exp's behalf.

Let her come, she is your DS's (half) sister and will be his sister for life. If she hasn't had many opportunities to meet with and play with her brother then YABU to deny both of them this. She might be really lovely and enjoy 'helping' out the younger children with the games etc.

I would disregard your ex partner's motives in doing this and make a decision based on whether you think his dd will be happy at the party, whether she will enjoy being there and whether your son will enjoy having her there. As others have suggested, if she adopts the role of helper, rather than someone else to accommodate, that would presumably make a big difference (although personally I wouldn't make that a stipulation of her coming).

Don't think YBU to be annoyed with XP but it's worth looking at it another way. You are refusing to let your DS's sister come to his birthday party, which is unreasonable. At 12, as people have said, she might be a great help in organising the little kids, or she might sit in a corner texting her mates about what a crap time she's having, but she is your DS's sister and they are both kids, and you are an adult, so you need to act like one in this instance and be gracious and not take your, perfectly understandable, anger at your XP's conduct out on his DD. IMHO, anyway.

I was also going to add, but you've said it yourself; if he'd asked or gone about it in a different way, then it'd be a very different situation in the first place and I"m pretty sure, you'd have been more inclined to have said yes to her coming.

You are not a horrible person for wanting to stick up for yourself or to be assertive to a man who has not brought up his children, nor are you horrible for not being a 'doormat' for a change. I really feel for you and really really understand how you are feeling. Don't beat yourself up

Thanks very much everyone.

I am calmer now that I was when I spoke to Ex P and I feel that I made the wrong decision.

Looking at it from DS's perspective he would be delighted if she came - the only worry I would have is that he woudl be so excited that he wouldn't really enjoy the party with his friends taht he has been looking forward to and talking about for months.

I agree that at 12 she could be a helper for the games and the food, I just worry that I will be so busy that I won;t have time to look after her and she won;t know anyone and at that age hard for her to know what to do with herself?

Whole thing is just so typical of Ex P and in a way I have played right into his hands - now once again I am unreasonable cow. I am just so frustrated by the way he has spoilt this - I was feeling ok and looking forward to the school visit and the party and then with one phone call he can blow it all up and make me feel crap

Don't be too harsh on yourself.

Just call him back and say would she like to be a helper? But you don't appreciate him making assumptions that you will be his childcare and in the future he needs to ask you first. I know it probably wont change him, but you still come out of it looking dignified, and the children get to see each other (which is really what's important).

I think the important thing as I said in my first post 'this is one battle you don't need to fight' and it can be so difficult to see when you're in there yourself.

Hope you all have a great party!

Thank you!

I feel like I should back down and say she can come. Of course I don't want to back down to him and once again will be door mat and he knows he can always rely on me....

He will be more abusive if I try to contact him and just not sure I have the energy. He will have already bad mouthed me to his entire family - once again painting me as the unreasonable cow and him as the doting dad.

I think that I will text him and say that DS would like HIM and his DD to come and see what he says to that.

Problme is I actually don;t really want either of them at the party as all organised but I suppose it is the right thing to do.

Thank you all for your responses I appreciate your input

I think you could say she can come, but make it clear to him that you are doing it for her sake, not his, as she will no doubt feel let down if he just dumps her and goes to watch football. Poor kid, he sounds not much of a dad.

FWIW I have a 12 yr old DD and she would just adore being a helper at a party for younger ones - IME it is the ideal age, and it is an opportunity for her to build a relationship with her half brother.

Do it for her, and for your ds.

At 12 she is old enough to help you run the party.

Oh you will always be the unreasonable one when it comes to your ex, it's really worth just accepting this and not fighting it. My ex always makes everything my fault, I am always the unreasonable one, I used to get really angry/upset by it, and waste a lot of energy in trying to get him to see what a selfish, self-centred, self-indulgent, hateful little twat he is, but then I realised I was hitting my head repeatedly against a brick wall and I just stopped and let it go. Life became simpler. What do I care if he thinks he's perfect? What do I care if his family and friends think the sun shines out of his arse and I'm a bitch? He, and they, are nothing to me and I refuse to expend energy/anger worrying about them.

Quick update (if anyone is interested!)

I texted Ex P yesterday saying that he had pushed all my buttons with his attitude but that of course his DD woudl be welcome at DS's party.

His text back was a classic. Sarcastic, superior and actually almost unintelligble as his use of language in a bid to appear intellectual and superior was choice.

Apparently he has now made alternative plans.

Oh well, thank you all for your input.

sevenkeystomysoul - you could honestly be describing my relationship with my Ex. That is exactly how I feel with him and it is so frustrating. I must try and not let it get to me.