not wanting to go on holiday with the in-laws

[00Amber00]

Hi everyone,

My mother in law is seriously ill but is well enough to come away on holiday. My DH wants to take her and my father in law on a driving holiday to France. We have a 9 month old baby and I am not quite sure it is ok for me to take her on a holiday like this. I am fine with the driving part as you can stop over every now and then and entertain her for a bit. It is my mother in law's condition that worries me. She has cancer and thrombosis as a result. I would love her to go and enjoy herself but I don't think my little one and I should go because should she need to be hospitalised we might be stranded without food/sleep etc. If that was just me I wouldn't worry about it coz she is far more important bearing in mind her condition but I don't think this would be easy on my LO. Obviously my DH is not happy for me to stay behind and thinks I don't want to go for other reasons although I explained my reasons to him and he seems to understand but coz it's always glass half full with him he doesn't think of worst case scenarios. Am I being unreasonable and about to spoil everyone's holiday??

Can you not rent a villa in France, somewhere where you can visit different places for the day. That way if your mil feels up to travelling then she can go. If not then you could spend the day at the villa.

Repatriation costs could be tens of thousands of pounds...

That's a lot of savings!

YANBU - this sounds like the mother of all bad ideas to me.

I really think you need to sit down and explain the reality of the situation to your husband. Four adults, one of them seriously ill, a baby and all that luggage in one car?

That alone would have me cringing - that's not a comfotable trip for anyone. Will you even fit, once you have car seats, luggage, nappies, food, drink, medical paraphenalia...

Then there's that stopping every two hours thing...

No, just no.

This is not a good idea, you are not being unreasonable.

I think your dh and in laws are being unrealistic. MIL is seriously ill and considering taking a holiday which, from your description, is totally unrealistic given the nature of her health concerns.

I wouldn't consider this at all, it would not be a holiday.

I would consider a few days away in the UK, where you speak the language and if something unfortunate was to happen you are close to home. A few days away could be relaxing and fun.

Being couped up in car, likely with a bored and noisy child (been there!) is horrendous for everyone, and mostly stressful for you because it will be your job to peacify.

I would compromise and offer to go away for a few days locally with firm agreement on where, expectations and wish list for all concerned so that everyone is singing from the same hymn sheet. Otherwise this is a recipe for disaster.

Sorry for the doom and gloom but my dp for a number of years had a very romantic view that going away en masse with the family would be great craic - where everyone would be 'jolly good eggs'!!(slight exaggeration but ykwim) Experience has now taught him differently!!!

If your dh is still keen on going foreign, then that is the holiday that you and your family unit have on your own. Stay in the uk for anything with the in-laws and stick to your guns othewise this will be something that is routinely re-visited by all X

Hi HelensMelons,

This has been my mistake for 8 years now, just going with the flow, hence the resistance from the DH and parents in law's front!! Now I have a LO to consider I try and stand my ground.

As you also righfully said I will be the one in the middle, making sure they are all happy. Baby happy so that she's not too noisy for elderly in laws, so that DH is happy with the same as he tends to stress if LO cries and gets EASILY embarrassed rather than concerned about the reasons for her crying. All in all I know you are right and it is not going to be a holiday. I certainly can see why my mother in law wants to go, it is either that or staying at home and I guess in her shoes i'd want to do the same, although I might just think a little bit more about other people travelling with me & suggest something else, but no....

It is creating a bit of an atmosphere between DH and me and I am somehow made to feel guilty. They are just refusing to see the reality and no matter what i say they just see me as a party pooper. Really don't know how to change their mind coz i know should we go and something seriuos happen I will feel just as guilty even though "I said so" type scenario could arise.

I guess i'll just have to stand my ground and see what happens, nothing good I expect but hey ho...

thanks again for your replies guys, very helpful to see I am not the only one seeing how silly this idea is!!

if you are in europe, won't they be covered by healthcare? you go to the PO & get a form to fill in, then get an E111 to show you're entitled to free healthcare under EU regs.

at least, that was the case when i last went to france, a few years ago. forms may have changed their numbers, but i'm sure they would be covered.

still, i think the idea of driving a lot would be bad for MIL & LO - could you try a 'gentle amble'? e.g. find 2 or 3 places that sound nice for a few days, and book to stay for a few nights, then move on again, so there's some change of scenery but not too much time in a car? also, do you need to get a disabled badge to be able to park places so MIL doesn't have to walk far?

when are you thinking of going? july & august in france is packed if you go to touristy places. are you able to wait til sep? there are places to go to in normandy & brittany which aren't too far to get to.

personally, i think anyone who wants to drive around for pleasure should be locked up, then shot, then pushed off a cliff. i HATE being stuck in a car, completely boring & pointless, unless you actually need to move from a to b.

Good luck Amber, it sounds like a compromise will have to be reached somehow!!

I will be in the same boat again next year, sil gets married and the idea is that the whole family will spend a few days together in a holiday cottage afterwards!! Brilliant! That's if we can all manage to stay civil to each other prior to the wedding!!

Perhaps visiting a travel agent or maybe put a thread up in the travel section to get some ideas that would meet everyone's needs particularly your lo - might help to offer a compromise that you could put to dh. x

YANBU

A 9 month old will get very bored/fractious if in a car for long periods of time - I'd emphasise this to your DH. So how will he cope in the car with screaming baby for hours on end.

I would suggest a gite as others have said.

Also my step-father had to have major heart surgery whilst on holiday in japan last year. Luckily it was covered by their insurance or the costs would have reached hundreds of thousands of pounds. So I'd be very wary of going anywhere without insurance.

If it's any help DH and I took DD on a sort of driving holiday in Provence last year when she was 9 months. We were based in a cottage but drove places everyday to explore. It was an absolute nightmare because DD hated being in the car but there was nothing to do at the cottage. She also didn't sleep well due to being in a different place and her routines being off so she was waking every hour or so at night. We were so grumpy DH has vowed not to go abroad with children again (I'm working on him though!)

IMO I'd try a holiday closer to home - babies are portable but can be sooooo unpredictable!

Get them to look at the www.cheznous.com website. There are some wonderful villas there that have pools.

France is an excellent destination with a 9 month old, we went there when DS was roughly that age, great as he slept through our lovely 3 course lunches, but with a baby a driving holiday seems like a lot of hassle.

Suggest gently that due to DD it would be much better to stay in a gite where you can do lots of travelling from, it will almost certainly be cheaper and means you don't have to lug all your baby stuff with you, for example a travel cot would take up a fair amount of room in the boot so if you are constantly lugging that and all your luggage around it is a bit impractical. Could also suggest that if DH and inlaws want to do more extensive travelling they could stay overnight in a B&B leaving you and DD at the gite (actually best make sure its one with a pool). Hope it all works out.

Oh god - yes the disruption to sleep.

If baby ends up sleeping loads in the car she may well be a nightmare at night.

DS has always slept well when we went on holiday, so not all babies have their routines disturbed when they go away. I do however agree that if she is sleeping loads in the car, then night time might be more difficult.

On the plus side would your in laws be up for a bit of babysitting [hopeful]

sitting in a car for hours on end, in hot weather, is a really stupid idea for someone with a thrombosis (or risk of further ones)

your family are being very obtuse, OP, and nothing good can come of it

I suggest a completely different type of holiday, your MIL may not be able to fly though

her consultant is a nob (verging on negligent) to encourage this

Rookie - my dc's sleep well on holiday but we don't spend hours driving each day. Tend to do villas.

I am much in agreement with other posters, YANBU with regards to the driving holiday, especially with regards to MIL thromobosis. Can you not got to france and stay in a hotel?

the baby is not the problem, IMO

What a difficult situation to be in OP.

I do think a driving holiday would be a bad plan for all concerned (but then you couldn't persuade me that a driving holiday was fun BEFORE kids!)

I just wanted to share with you something I try to remember when PIL drive me crazy.... Your MIL feels the same way about your DH as you do about your DS. Your DH wants to share a possible last family holiday with his mum......I can only hope my DSs want to spend time with me when they are older and I do hope their partners and any grandchildren would be able to be there too.

I hope they can meet you part way on a compromise.

kickassangel said
"if you are in europe, won't they be covered by healthcare? you go to the PO & get a form to fill in, then get an E111 to show you're entitled to free healthcare under EU regs."

Ok - the E111 no longer exists, you now have to apply for an EHIC - European Health Insurance Card, which comes from the DWP, whereas you used to just go to the PO and get your E111 stamped and you were sorted. Google EHIC and you'll find out how to get one.

Also, I have taken a few school trips abroad skiing, water sports and the like so we always made sure our E111's/EHIC's were up to date, but even so I have been laughed at by French, Spanish and Austrian healthcare providers. They KNOW how long it takes to get reimbursed, so they make you pay at the point of care and keep your receipts to claim back yourself on your return to the UK.

kickassangel, I'm really glad the E111 system worked for you, but that has NEVER been my experience, so if the OP DOES go to France with her poorly M-i-L, I would strongly recommend that you have a credit card with a £0 balance and large credit limit. (several thousands)

Sorry, the quote from kaa is supposed to be in bold!!

AF I agree not the best kind of holiday for a person with thombosis...OP you need to talk to them about another kind of hol

hi there,
Is a driving holiday something she has her heart set on? if so then go for it: have you got a big car? Perhaps you could all rent a campervan so that you can have restful breaks and change position, switch on a dvd if baby gets cranky or bored.
We drove through germany/ switzerland/ slovenia/ italy with a 9 month old( on a camping trip) It was hard work and we were knackered at the end of it, but it is possible and fun at times too!
I would go back to starting point and ask what your mum in law wants and what she would like to get out of a driving trip with all of you, before making your decision for her. Cant she get treatment under the european health cover if need be?
Good luck

You can get a train to the south of France pretty easily these days. Eurostar to Paris; Paris to the coast. Then a hire car and a nice villa. Perfect. No flying, and you can wander around on a train. Much faster than driving too.

Driving holiday with a sick adult and a baby sounds hell. Don't agree - offer a compromise, and then if they refuse it's their choice. And are they aware of the costs of repatriation, by the way? Air ambulances are horrifyingly expensive, and not covered by the EHIC.

Thing about the European Health Insurance Card is that it entitles you to the same thing as a national of that country. It doesn't entitle you to what the NHS would give you in the UK, whilst you're abroad. So as said above, you may well have to pay out and then hope you get reimbursed eventually, or you may find you are using services for which French nationals get charged anyway.

Plus, it's not a replacement for proper travel insurance anyway - if she is taken ill, it won't pay for her or you to return to the UK by ambulance, it won't pay your extra costs when someone is stuck out there because she's not well enough to travel, it wouldn't (God forbid) pay for the repatriation of a body. You're mad to leave the country without proper insurance.

Apols if I've missed this - but please tell me someone speaks fluent French and could converse in detail with any doctors that MIL might need?

The EHIC doesn't cover you for everything.

Insurance is a must.

I really think it is a dreadful idea.

It turns out MIL can get insurance and we decided to not travel that far and be based in a villa in normandy. I am not a lot happier to go so fingers crossed everything goes smoothly and we all enjoy the hol.

thanks for your replies guys!!!