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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be friends with my DD's stepmother?

32 replies

lemonysweet · 22/06/2010 12:08

hello!
I have twin DD's [16] and a DD [13] from my ex husband. DD [13] was 2 when we seperated. 5 years ago he married his new wife, and our DD's spend time going between the houses, sometimes they'll have a few weekdays at their fathers as we all live in the same area [schoolwise]
before he married her, i called her to introduce myself properly and to encourage her to call me if she ever needed anything to do with DD's when exH was away [he travels sometimes with his job]

over the years we have become quite friendly, and she is a great stepmother to my DD's.

a few of my friends and family find this incredibly weird [that we are friends]

thoughts???

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 22/06/2010 12:10

not in the slightest - good for you!
and assuming she's not the reason you split why should you dislike her?

DemonChild · 22/06/2010 12:13

YANBU - I am friends with my DSD's mum, she is going to be DP's 'best man' at our wedding! It is a little odd sometimes, but we're all nice people and it's brilliant for DSD to have her parents and step-parents be friends with other.

I can't see it working in cases when the relationship ended because of an affair though...

compo · 22/06/2010 12:15

I think it's perfect and you are to be commeneded for makign things as easy as possible for your kids

life is short

who wants to live it angry and cross all the time

Bramshott · 22/06/2010 12:21

Not at all - you are modelling very good relationship behaviour (if that makes sense!) for your DDs. I can't believe the level of animosity you sometimes see - both on here and in RL towards exs and new partners.

I work in a field where marriage break-ups are (sadly) common, but usually amicable and it seems SO much healthier. I know of at least one couple who often spend Christmas together, with their new partners, of whom one was instrumental in the break-up. I'm sure it's not always plain sailing, but I get the impression that they all genuinely like each other - let's face it - why would you not?!

luciemule · 22/06/2010 12:24

That sounds brill and what a lovely way to be.

instructionstothedouble · 22/06/2010 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RougetNoir · 22/06/2010 12:37

YANBU

I'm a mum,to DD[6] & I've been a stepmum do SDs [10 & 8] for over 5 years now ( [10] lives with us full time) , with absolutely no support , help , slight recognition or even friendliness from their mother, quite the opposite really.

Being a mum/stepmum is hard work and I would love to be able to chat about the girls openly with their mum.

I wish she was more like you! After all, you have something in common, looking after the same children! Not weird..I admire you.

SirBoobAlot · 22/06/2010 12:42

Best possible scenario for all of you

LimaCharlie · 22/06/2010 12:42

Lovely to hear such a positive parent / step parent relationship - how fab for the DC

grapeandlemon · 22/06/2010 12:44

You sound lovely

I wish you were DSD Mother, I would have loved to be friends and got along with her but she had the reverse attitude to you sadly. Good for you, really

AnnaBafana · 22/06/2010 12:44

I think it's wonderful that you have such an amicable arrangement and I'm sure a lot of people would envy you for it. Your DD's are very lucky.

Marjee · 22/06/2010 12:57

Thats lovely! Sadly unusual but not weird at all. Your dds are very lucky

Abip · 22/06/2010 13:10

I think it great I am in the same boat mine are 8 and 6 and I get along great with their new step mum it makes it so much easier trust me as it has been the other way round before !!!

lazarusb · 22/06/2010 14:25

I wish you were married to my ex- his wife hates me (voodoo dolls etc.- yes, really!). Life would have been so much easier if we could have at least been civil.

Tidey · 22/06/2010 14:30

It's a really good thing, ignore anyone who says otheriwse. If it makes your lives easier, it's not really their business.

Me and DP's exP are civil, friendly enough but not actually friends, IYSWIM. She's been too unpleasant too many times in the past for me to ever trust her tbh. For the moment everyone's getting on fine, but we'll never get rid of the wary feeling.

booyhoo · 22/06/2010 14:30

that makes me soo happy to hear. you hear too much of it being difficult and hostile.

well done you for taking that first step, i hope you have a lasting friendship. i would like to think i could do the same if ever in that situation.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 22/06/2010 14:31

What a breathe of fresh air - its the most selfless thing you could possibly do for your children and will, maybe without anybody realising it, make their lives so much easier. Well done you

(bitter experience, in lots of ways, of split families never putting the emotional needs of the children first)

BabyDubsEverywhere · 22/06/2010 14:33

i really should stop typing with my baby holding arm, so sorry for the typos, of which there are many

twolittlemonkeys · 22/06/2010 14:33

Brilliant, well done for making the situation work. So much better for your DD, than seeing you resentful or bitter etc. Good for you!!

Geocentric · 22/06/2010 14:38

I think you sound fantastic! Your DDs are lucky to have a mum like you.

Ladyanonymous · 22/06/2010 14:42

I wish I could be friends with my DS'c step mother and my other two DC's fathers new partner.

The first I have had no contact with in 7 years, even though my son stays there every other weekend and the second has always been openly hostile and tried to wreck my life while expecting me to be okay with sending my DC's to her house once he had moved in, she has never bothered to make contact with me, apart from when she texts me to tell me what a shit mother she thinks I am and then accused me of harrassment - and the police came round and threatened to arrest me - in front of my kids (I got a bit arsey about it ).

They don't like going but want a relationship with their dad and I respect the really difficult choice they are put in the position of making.

My fella has three children and I wrote to the mother of two of them before I met her saying I respected her, did not want to be seen as a threat and understood how hard it was for her to trust me and allow her DC's to stay at my home.

So far its all very friendly - but one out of three isn't good enough

YANBU - its great that you have managed it.

sheepgomeep · 22/06/2010 14:45

demon it can work re affairs.

my ex cheated on me with a girl who was only 16 at the time 6 years ago. They are still together and I have two more children with someone else now. my dc and thier stepmum get on quite well, she is nice and I often phone her for a chat, mainly about the kids. Its took years to get to this point, I was very very bitter for a long time but we have all moved on now and I can see the benefit for the kids.

It's not easy but it is sometimes possible.

foureleven · 22/06/2010 14:48

No, i dont think it is weird at all. Why shouldnt you be friends?
I dont think you can ever have too many friends and if you have a connection with someone then you cant turn them away just because its a little unconventional.

I have an up and down relationship with my step daughters mother, she can be cruel and a bit odd but I think she is still in love with my partner so I dont blame her. We are very different people so we dont have enough in common to be friends but we are civil.

My ex's partner - I have said to her that I never want her to feel like we are rivals and that because I am a step mum myself I know what it feels like and I respec the rfor being so good to my DD and welcoming her in to her life etc etc. But its easier because I cant stand my ex and have no feelings for him whatsoever. Its harder to accept the new woman if there is a lot of bitterness there.

Good for you two by the way!

sheepgomeep · 22/06/2010 14:51

sorry me and the stepmum get on quite well together

Original poster
lemonysweet · 22/06/2010 18:23

thanks people! i guess because you hear so many cases where the mother feels like the stepmother is stepping her territory or something, thats why people think its so strange!
incidentally, my marriage to exH did end because he had an affair, but it wasnt with her. even if he had married the woman he had been having the affair with, i would have still called her if she was going to be in regular contact with my children, because...well...she's going to be their stepmother, i hate for them to feel awkward about spending time with her. and i have to make sure that she's not completely bonkers.

without being smug about it, im really glad i did and am trying to show my friends how good it can be for everyone involved, to just have that line of communication open!
the way i see it, when relationships end it is extremely shitty, epsecially if kids are involved, my own parents splitting up was extra crap, [my own mother being the biggest problem] so if i can do one thing to make it a bit easier for them, then thats something. and if my kids have more people in their life to care for them, and to spend time with them, then that can only be a good thing.

Ladyanon i am
but its great that even after your bad experiences you could write that letter to your DSC's mum.

i suppose it helps if you're one of those people who knows that an ex is an ex for a reason, i think jealousy is what causes hostility in a lot of cases, like fourelevens'

OP posts:
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