Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I saw something yesterday

57 replies

mrspir8 · 20/06/2010 23:13

My freind has a son who is 5, we were at a BBQ of another mutual friend. The boy was playing with my DD (2yr10mnth) and he would not share his toys with her and took one back from her. My dd wasn't at all bothered by this, it was a very minor scuffle, no anger involved but cue this boys dad, who is also a freind by default but I have very little to do with him, we used to be avery close pair of couples, but we have drifted apart and the lads are no longer freinds.
He comes storming from end of garden, dragged boy up to the top of the lawn proceeded to tell him off in a very quiet voice while gripping his wrist really tightly the whole time. The lad came back with horrid red marks all over his wrist.

I was very very uncomfortable and felt this was both excessive and cruel.
So putting on my judgeymcJudgey hat I pass the floor over for your comments.

OP posts:
Tombliboob · 21/06/2010 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

newnamethistime · 21/06/2010 10:20

I recognise the 'storming' 'dragging' 'menacing' 'gritted teeth' 'hissing' and the hurting from how my H would act if myself or a dc stepped out of line, and he was abusive.

If this is what he does in public, I would be worried about what he thinks is ok in private.

yanbu to be concerned.

QualityTime · 21/06/2010 10:22

Oh yes, the 'ow ow' thing, mine do that the gits but the I do not leave marks on them when I am holding their arms.

toccatanfudge · 21/06/2010 10:25

I recognise the "storming" and "dragging" too - it's me on occasions.

I do it at home and in private.

Sure beats the heck out of yelling like a fish wife for them to come to you/come with you .

Original poster
mrspir8 · 21/06/2010 10:42

"ho-hum, another drip-feed thread."

@Tombliboob
Drip feed my arse! Isn't that how a debate/discussion/conversation goes? Each person putting together thier own responses in turn-what am I not supposed to respond again? Am I not allowed to clarify or extend my arguement in response?

I am not changing what I wrote. I put up OP late last night and realised in error this morning that people werent seeing the full picture because my OP was too brief.

As it is my 2nd post was to clarify not change. I never said the child snatched in the first post. I admit I didn't make it clear that the fathers voice was through gritted teeth rather than quietly controlled and yes the lad was squirming and now I see this could be the cause of the red marks. I hadn't seen it that way in the first place. Thats why I am posting here to find out if I was being unreasonable in my judgement of the situation.

OP posts:
Colliecross · 21/06/2010 10:57

I still think YANBU
I would feel concerned too

toccatanfudge · 21/06/2010 10:58

ahh now you see my "throught gritted teeth" is me being quietly controlled........otherwise it's mouth open wide fish wife

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 21/06/2010 10:59

In your OP, you referred to a minor scuffle with the older boy not sharing his toys, but later on, that became the child sharing nicely but whinging a bit. Also the telling off changed from simply a telling off in a quiet voice to one that was menacing and nasty - very different things, imo.

You didn't tell us originally about the child struggling and saying his dad was hurting him - that's dripfeeding info.

Cretaceous · 21/06/2010 11:02

The other replies have reminded me that when I was about 7, I used to pretend to plead with my mum "don't hit me" and flinch theatrically to avoid a telling off in public . Now I hope the other mums didn't really think she'd have beaten me! (Actually, they probably thought I was a spoilt brat!)

Gritted teeth is fine, secretly hurting a child is not, and would make me wonder what he's like in private. But sounds to me like the lad actually got the red marks because he was squirming to escape the telling off.

Mumsnut · 21/06/2010 11:03

Were the red marks still there 5 mins later? My dd's skin shows red if I have to hoick her out of somewhere (from the path of a bus, for example) but the red goes very quickly.

Tombliboob · 21/06/2010 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Colliecross · 21/06/2010 11:07

Good question Mumsnut

SoupDragon · 21/06/2010 11:11

You have changed what you said.. There is a world of difference between "would not share his toys with her and took one back from her" and "The lad didn't snatch from my dd-he simply took back in a calm and controlled manner and gave her another toy instead-in my mind he was sharing"

In fact they are pretty much opposites.

Animation · 21/06/2010 15:58

The picture I get is an aggressive git storming over from the other end of the garden, fury on his face, dragging the kid away... Not good. I would have probably had a word with the silly buggar (the dad), and told him to "chill".

scrappydappydoo · 21/06/2010 16:35

Do you what this the 4th or 5th attempt I have made to post a reply to this and each time I delete then write it again... because this type of thread really gets on my nerves. They always manage to make me feel inadquate and a bad parent. I'm left thinking just what is an acceptable way for me to discipline my children? To you it may not have been a big issue but as someone else has pointed out - it could the final straw to the dad who has countless times told his son not to do something - maybe not I don't know and neither do you. I've lost count of the number of times I have had 'a quiet word' with my dd1 - it is normally when she has been playing up all day and I have reached the end. I would never harm her but sometimes she thinks its hilarious to run away from when I'm trying to tell her off so yes I do grip her - what do you want me to do just stand there like a pleb feeling that yet again a 4 year old has got the better of me??
Parenting is tough - we sometimes make good calls and sometimes make bad calls - its what its all about. Or maybe the op would like to come and teach me how to be the perfect parent she clearly is. Who has never lost her temper and deals with every situation appropriately.

Animation · 21/06/2010 17:07

Agreed - sometimes we make good calls and sometimes bad calls. When we lose it like this guy clearly did, we think - not too clever what I did there - hopefully better next time.

thesecondcoming · 21/06/2010 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumbar · 21/06/2010 17:33

IMO the Dad did the right thing and TBH my DS marks even with a gentle holding on so it prob looks like I've had him firmly when in fact I haven't.

Last year we were walking through town DS kept running off given warning about holding hands did it again so was taken by the hand. He began pulling saying 'your hurting me' and I had to hold harder to stop him running off - all the time he's doing the distressed bit hmm] Old lady behind me started mumbling about the roughness of 'young' mums (I was 28 at the time!). I gave her a piece of my mind but have learnt from that never to judge others as things aren't always what they seem.

So BOOYHOO I know what you mean!!

mumbar · 21/06/2010 17:38

and scrappy very honest post well done and yes I have been there too.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

toccatanfudge · 21/06/2010 17:48

"When we lose it like this guy clearly did"

and you know this for certain do you?

What if the OP had approved of the way the father disciplined the son and said

"the DS wasn't sharing nicely so his dad took him up the other end of the garden for a quiet word, little lad kept trying to flounce off so dad help him firmly by the wrists, of course the struggling meant he ended up with red marks on his wrists"

we weren't there, we've only got the OP' negative viewpoint to go from. He may have lost it, on the other hand he may simply have been parenting in a way different from the OP would

mumbar · 21/06/2010 17:50

yes thankyou TTF. Thats pretty much what I was trying to say using my town example above. Old lady immediatly judged me as a young mum so presumed I was being rough but I'm sure if I'd let DS run around and he'd tripped her up I would've been wrong too!!!

toccatanfudge · 21/06/2010 17:51

or imagine even better he went for the full on vocal way of doing it

"and so the dad came over and stood and yelled at him in the middle of the garden, calling him a x,y,z" I was !

or if he did nothing and the children continued to have "minor scuffles" all afternoon.

"and the dad just sat down with his beer and ignored the DS - AIBU to wish he'd done something about it"

Animation · 21/06/2010 17:59

toccatanfudge

.... by the body language - "storming", "menacing", "threatening", "gritted teeth voice", "not controlled"....

That sounds like "losing it" - does it not to you?

toccatanfudge · 21/06/2010 18:06

I "storm" I speak through "gritted teeth", and often if it's something that I've told them off about before I am indeed "threatening"............to take them home and away from the fun if they don't start behaving. usally actually when I'm in control of the situation (I turn into a fish wife when I "lose it") this is purely the OP's view of the situation.

And her account changed - see STDG's 10.50 post

Unles it's outright obvious abuse child dscipline can be taken in a miriad of ways depending on the observers own personal opinions.

Anyhow - I need to go and pick up a bike.....

Animation · 21/06/2010 21:46

There's a lot of acting involved in disciplining kids. And when you're acting there's no real anger, the anger is pretend - meaning you stay in control. When anger takes over - you're NOT in control - you lose it.

Angry people can't disguise it - there are physiological changes in your face and demeanor. Was this guy acting or was he angry - had he lost it? I don't know - but I have to trust the discomfort felt in the OP.