i keeping thinking that my partners not pulling his weight and i keep shouting at him am i just being a cow?

[becky90]

i have 4mth old twin girls and i stay at home while my partner works, i have the girls all day and it feels like i dont move from my seat as once ive fed one the other wants feeding or changing or just attention they dont sleep at the same time during the day when i get a spare min i have to wash bottles put load of washing on and hang out on the line (because my partner wont dare go near washing machine and he likes to wear 3differnt pairs of clothes a day so i always have a full washing basket) do the dishes (as when he gets in he cooks tea but has to use every dish in the kitchen and he never scraps his plate) and genraly clean i find i very hard to do it all but if i dont then id be liveing in tip. he comes in from work gets in the bath for a good hour (i haven had a nice long bath scine feb the 10th) then makes tea, eats it and falls asleep in his chair not even takeing his plate out or help me with the girls. i get soo angary with him because its me who should be aloud to get in the bath when he gets in or to be able to fall asleep while he settles the twins! he has never done a night feed, once i was that tired i didnt wake up when the girls were crying he did got them out of the cot and woke me up and passed me them and said i think there hungary and he goes back to sleep! i keep telling him that he needs to start to help me because i cant cope with the babys never mind all the house work im expected to do but it just doesnt sink in he thinks helping is DIY things stupid which can wait! the other day he taken the girls to his mams ( she lives next door!) as they wouldnt settle i was getting myself ready for bed and i get shouted so i went to see wat was up not half bloody dresses and his mum passes me the baby and tells me she needs changing coz shes pooed but my partners stood right next to her i thought why didnt he just change her or why didnt his mum change her i was soo mad and when i was changing her she hadnt finishes she pooed all over me from my neck to my waist i asked my partner to help and he just stud ther looking blank so i shouted at him and we got into a big argument then he went bed. i was still trying to get the baby cleaned up and his mum come walking in and starts trying to take the babys off me i told her to wait till i finish putting the nappy on and she just kept trying to drag the baby off me so i just snapped at her she sat down and waited i passed her the baby and went to get myself cleaned up and me and my partner got into another argument because i just had enough of everything but didnt relise his mother was lostning to every word on the babys moniter i carnt even remember wat was said but all i no is his whole family isnt talking to me and they just blank me now. im just so sick to death i feel like im stuck in this house 24/7 i dont get a breake i realy do just feel like my lifes been tipped upside down and my partner ( THE DAD) life hasnt one bit i have to ask to go out and he just comes and goes when i do ask he either says no or gets all moody! i just feel as this is it my social lifes dead. i do love him and i do feel like i can be a cow but i do have my reasons. but if im honest this is just so hard i sometimes wish i wasnt a mum! ino everybodys thinking thats life its not easy but it realy shouldnt be impossible? people keep saying it will get easyer but i just cant see the light at the end of the tunnel!

If your shouting hasn't had an effect (which it doesn't seem to have done), it's obviously not working - try a different tack...

im sorry about the big long rant but i just need to tell someone.

Blardy hell- you are going to need to paragraph that...

I feel for you. How awful about the baby monitor too. He's not helping you at all and you're trying to bring up twins all by yourself. I wish i had some good advice for you. Have you tried sitting down and calmly discussing how you're feeling? I would probably try and have his mum there or say it to her separately later on. That you are exhausted and need him to start doing practical things like changing nappies. Lots of luck and a hug to you.

aye, sorry too late at night and couldn't read a word. no doubt YANBU, but how about trying again in the am?

i did try just talking at the start but it just didnt sink in i only started shouting when talking didnt work. when i did tell him i couldnt cope tge first time we both started cry and he said that he would help me more but tge next day he went streight the pub after work he didnt get in till 10 i was so upset. i think that he feels i need to look after him because he feels left out.

That made my eyes hurt do you think you could paragraph please.

I will come back to this when I'm not drinking- but it's too hard to read as you've written it.

Oh no, you poor thing. And having MIL next door, that would drive me potty...
When he gets in, just go for a walk without saying a word, just hand him the babies and go. Don't ask, just tell him what you want to do, and what you want him to do. If he gets moody, pretend not to notice. As for his family blanking you, blank them back.

oh sorry when i got started i just couldnt stop lol i dont no how to go back to edit it.

don't edit, just summarise

Really feel for you, do you have any family on your side to give you a break? If you were round the corner from me I'd be offering my help to you....you sound tired & alone

What Squashimodo said

Has your MIL always been a twat to you? Is there something cultural going on here (ie a sexist culture where women are men's servants and must obey without complaining?)

Squashimodo's idea is a good one, just hand him the babies and go out for a walk. He is NOT Pulling his weight at all and you're going to need to be very firm with both him and his family - you are not a domestic servant (BTW stop doing any housework that isn't related to the babies' wellbeing or your own, it can wait. Or he can do it.)

basical my partner does nothing expects me to look after kids and him and everything else his mum is is always round when i get them asleep she wakes them up so she can say hi lol i go mad but cant say anything because she and the rest of family will fall out with me!

i keep snapping at my partner and he acts like he hasnt done anything wrong ( true as he hasnt done nwt to do wrong!) and its just me go mad and being a horrible cow to him, so i always end up saying sorry after i just ask myself why did i say sorry?

im stuck in the house 24/7 and although sometimes i feel like the luckys person ever when the girls smile at me of when i pick them up they just grab tight hold and snuggle in i wouldnt give them up for the world. but most of the time i just think it would be much easyer if i was alone no babys no partner only me to look after me and have nobody relying on me! i feel terrible for thinking that because i love my partner and the girls soo much!

is that better for ya to ready sorry again for the first one lol im new to this. my doctor told me about mumsnet as it helped her and her sister so much.

I hope you don't mind, but I paragraphed and added some punctuation.....

I have 4mth old twin girls and I stay at home while my partner works, I have the girls all day and it feels like I don?t move from my seat as once I?ve fed one the other wants feeding or changing or just attention. They don?t sleep at the same time during the day when I get a spare min I have to wash bottles put load of washing on and hang out on the line (because my partner wont dare go near washing machine and he likes to wear 3 different pairs of clothes a day so I always have a full washing basket), do the dishes (as when he gets in he cooks tea but has to use every dish in the kitchen and he never scraps his plate) and generally clean. I find it very hard to do it all but if I don?t then I?d be living in tip.

he comes in from work gets in the bath for a good hour (I haven't had a nice long bath since feb the 10th) then makes tea, eats it and falls asleep in his chair not even taking his plate out or help me with the girls.

I get so angry with him because it?s me who should be allowed to get in the bath when he gets in or to be able to fall asleep while he settles the twins! he has never done a night feed, once I was that tired I didn?t wake up when the girls were crying he did got them out of the cot and woke me up and passed me them and said I think there hungry and he goes back to sleep! I keep telling him that he needs to start to help me because I can?t cope with the babies never mind all the house work I?m expected to do but it just doesn?t sink in he thinks helping is DIY things stupid which can wait!

the other day he taken the girls to his mams (she lives next door!) as they wouldn?t settle I was getting myself ready for bed and I get shouted, so I went to see what was up not half bloody dresses and his mum passes me the baby and tells me she needs changing coz she?s pooed but my partners stood right next to her. I thought why didn?t he just change her or why didn?t his mum change her? I was so mad and when I was changing her she hadn?t finished, she pooed all over me from my neck to my waist. I asked my partner to help and he just stood there looking blank, so I shouted at him and we got into a big argument then he went bed.

I was still trying to get the baby cleaned up and his mum come walking in and starts trying to take the babies off me. I told her to wait till I finish putting the nappy on and she just kept trying to drag the baby off me, so I just snapped at her. She sat down and waited I passed her the baby and went to get myself cleaned up and me and my partner got into another argument because I just had enough of everything but didn?t realise his mother was listening to every word on the babies monitor. I can?t even remember what was said but all I know is his whole family isn?t talking to me and they just blank me now.

I?m just so sick to death. I feel like I?m stuck in this house 24/7. I don?t get a break I really do just feel like my life?s been tipped upside down and my partner (THE DAD) life hasn?t one bit. I have to ask to go out and he just comes and goes. When I do ask he either says no or gets all moody! I just feel as this is it my social life?s dead. I do love him and I do feel like I can be a cow but I do have my reasons. But if I?m honest this is just so hard I sometimes wish I wasn?t a mum! I know everybody?s thinking that?s life it?s not easy but it really shouldn?t be impossible? People keep saying it will get easier but I just can?t see the light at the end of the tunnel!

i dont think its because im a women i think him and his mum think that i do nothing but sit on my bum so they think that i need something to do lol but we all no that it doesnt work like that with children.

his mum can sometimes be a help or she trys but its just more work for me coz she does the dish but in cold water the plates look dirtyer after shes washed them. also if i go out the back to put washing on the line or go the loo i have to lock my door because i dont no how many times ive came back and one or both babys are gone and i nearly have a hart attack and i run next door to get help and shes left them in her liveing room play while shes cooking tea. i have told her to not do it ever again.

some times when i walk in the liveing room i get a fright because either his mum or dads face is squashed up against the window looking in it like i live in a bloody glass box no time or space to myself.

thankyou Lewisfan i dont mind.

i absolutely agree that rather than try to explain- hand him the babies and let him get on with it.

are you breastfeeding or bottle feeding?

would he attend a parenting class? he sounds scared from what you've said.

and if he does do stuff around the house or tries more with the babies don't criticise him or take over unless it's a matter or life and death.

Well your Dh (and MIL) are both acting like arseholes. Arrange to go out and leave him to it.

Whilst you are trying to get your DH to act like a grown up can I suggest you contact your local [[http://www.home-start.org.uk/homepage Homestart which is a charity designed to help parents with children under 5. I am a volunteer and regularly befriend families with twins. You would get a volunteer for a couple of hours a week and could help you in all sorts of ways - even letting you have a bath in peace.

Good luck.

Homestart

You would think i would know how to do links by now.

well he probley is scared because he hardle spends time with the babys snd never on his own if i manage to get out and hes minding the babys he either asks his mum round to stay with him or a friend. he doesnt no what they like how to get them settled or what they want when they cry. but if he just helped a bit more with them he would learn but he just doesnt seem intrested why learn when hes got someone stupid enough to do it all!

i bottle feed! and he wouldnt go parenting classes he says that hes too bissy!

thankyou that would be a help i have the health vistors come ever week but i dont tell them because i dont want them thinking i cant do it or that am not looking after them as i should because i am i would do anything for the babys.

thanks everyone for your sugestions im sorry if i have gone on and on but its the first time ive talked to anyone about it sorry again i probley bring it all on myself because id much rather not say anything than upset anyone and recently i have just snapped as i never do this i think everyone doesnt no wat to think of it his mums shocked to here her golden boy ist as he seems and that she prob thinks im mad or have lost it lol.

Becky90 - no advice to add to what other people have already put. Wanted to add that I really do understand what a stressful time you are having, even with loads of support around many (probably even most) new mums are pretty much at the end of their tether by the time the baby hits 4 months (the lack of sleep, loss of control, realising life will never be the same etc.) - and you are doing it all with twins. It sounds like you are coping as well as any of us do.

Things do start getting easier sometime between 4 and 6 months, routines seem clearer, you start to get the hang of being a mum and suddenly there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Please, grab what support you can and leave your DP with the twins on his own for an hour or two (even if you just take a walk round the block on your own). It will do you all good.