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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to eat curry?

43 replies

curryeater · 19/06/2010 00:34

We ordered curry. As usual on Fridays.
But, unusually, I paid with my money (in cash - as opposed to money from joint account).
We had an argument. About me being drunk. I drank too much, during the day. I have to stop. I feel bad about this. DP poured all the wine down the sink. I had a bath and went to bed.
I got hungry (to do with not eating enough when drunk) and got up again to go downstairs and eat curry. P scared the crap out of me by leaning over the banisters and telling me to "just go to bed, please" in a weary, angry tone. I sneakliy polished off the curry, anyway, and feel really guilty about it because a. he usually has re-heated curry for brunch on saturday, and it's all gone now, and b. he told me to go to bed.

Tell me:

a. it is ok that I ate all the curry, I paid for it and I was hungry, so, so what.

b. if I am awake at night when I "should" be asleep it is up to me to deal with that anomoly how I see fit, and I can't be told to go to bed like a baby, and if I have a bad history of drinking too much then even still when there is no drink in the house I can wander about in it like an adult or a free agent.

I drink too much. Help me.

But, he is out of order to try to send me to bed, yes?

OP posts:
HurleySatOnMe · 19/06/2010 00:38

Your dp is trying to help you and has probably had enough tbh. I think the curry is the least of both of your troubles.

SirBoobAlot · 19/06/2010 00:39

I think eating a curry is the least of your issues tbh. And if you were my DP and I was worried about you, I would have probably told you to go to bed, too.

ShinyAndNew · 19/06/2010 00:39

When DH 'tells' me not to stay up too late, I always do exactly what he says. I don't stay up too late. I stay up too early the nest morning. Before I met DH I was unaware that Sunday had a 5am

However if your drinking is causing problems you need to address that. He shouldn't be making you feel scared in your own home though

Original poster
curryeater · 19/06/2010 00:42

I drink too much. help me

OP posts:
ShinyAndNew · 19/06/2010 00:43

You need to contact AA. Where abouts are you? Someone might know the number/details for your local group. Or you could google them.

SirBoobAlot · 19/06/2010 00:47

AA

NHS help

Original poster
curryeater · 19/06/2010 00:51

Thanks SirBoobAlot.
I'll look at that in the morning.
God, I wish I were a different person. This one is shit.

OP posts:
singsinthebath · 19/06/2010 00:53

Curryeater - I came across this thread earlier. There seem to be some very inspirational people on here dealing with drink - maybe you could post and get some advice.

Original poster
curryeater · 19/06/2010 00:57

I have been reading that thread already. It is very inspiring. But I am... crap. Is anyone there?

OP posts:
Just13moreyearstogo · 19/06/2010 01:01

Yes, it's the drink not the curry that's the issue. There is help available and there are lots of women using alcohol the way you are - you're definitely not alone. I think your DP would be delighted and supportive if you were to really address the drink issue - let us know how it goes.

cornsilkey · 19/06/2010 01:02

How are you drinking so much in the day? Sorry if that's a daft question.Do you have kids?

singsinthebath · 19/06/2010 01:04

curryeater
how about a quick call to the samaritans -you sound like you really need to talk. I've just looked up their number:
08457 90 90 90

Let us know how you get on.

cornsilkey · 19/06/2010 01:06

I think I would have eaten the curry as well BTW!

Original poster
curryeater · 19/06/2010 01:09

We have one dd, she is 14 months. I don't usually drink in the day but I don't work on Fridays and today we were out and found lots of excuses to have a drink here and there. By the time she was having her tea I was half cut and then after she was in bed it all went down hill. No excuse. I was seriously looking at AA 2 years ago but then I was pregnant and it was obvious that I couldn't drink then, no problem. I stupidly thought I had cracked it, I didn't know it would all come back again when I wasn't breastfeeding. It was easy not to drink when she was in my gut or drinking my fluids. Now someone has to tell me that it's just the same, she is just as dependent on me emotionally and psychologically and I can still poison her and I have to stop.

OP posts:
cornsilkey · 19/06/2010 01:13

so you aren't drinking every day - was it just a one off? If you're worried do phone samaritans for advice.

Just13moreyearstogo · 19/06/2010 01:15

You absolutely have to stop, there are no two ways about it. If, once you start, you can't stop then you need to give up completely. There are no two ways about it. If you tackle it now your daughter won't remember you as a drinker. You might need help to deal with the feelings you have that have been making you turn to drink - perhaps your GP could refer you to a counsellor if you don't have the funds to see someone privately. And the support of AA would be so helpful to you, I'm sure.

singsinthebath · 19/06/2010 01:21

curryeater - do you feel tired enough to go to bed now? Could you get a decent night's sleep and maybe think about a plan of action in the morning when you're feeling more sober? Can you talk to your DP about how you're feeling? There are lots of places of support for you - it really sounds as if you need some professional help. In the meantime, you have a few MN people reaching out to you in the early hours.
Please take care of yourself.

Original poster
curryeater · 19/06/2010 01:22

cornslikey - not every day but it is an Ishoo, as mn-ers say.
Just13 - yes, that is what I want, that she will not remember me like this, but the other person. Are you an ex-drinker?
I have tried NHS counselling but it wasn't good for me.
I feel a bit fucked, really.
Thanks for listening, everyone.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 19/06/2010 01:22

Your DP appears to be very fed up of the situation. It's a bit extreme for him to pour all the wine down the sink if this is a one-off - suggesting that it isn't a one-off, not that he is being extreme, I'm afraid.

If you were looking at needing AA a couple of years ago, chances are your DP remembers those times and is concerned that they are returning - now you have a DD to consider as well, this is Not Going To Be Good.

The fact that he told you wearily to go to bed, rather than ranting or shouting at you, is because he is seriously fed up with the situation and because you don't seem to be able to make rational choices for yourself.

It might feel disempowering or controlling - but you may already be disempowered and controlled by something else - alcohol.

Even if you are not sure you are an alcoholic, and a cry for help is usually a good start to believing you are - go to AA.

If you want to save your marriage and your DD to have a good life, take control of your situation again - and it appears that taking alcohol out of the equation might be the thing to do.

Apologise to your DP in the morning - whoever bought the curry is utterly immaterial in this situation, and I think you know that.

Original poster
curryeater · 19/06/2010 01:26

singsinthebath - I x-posted. Probably best go to sleep now, yes. thanks to all of you who replied. sometimes the universe is a howling emptiness but not tonight with you wise women reading these words and sending some back. I can't call those numbers because I can't be making noises now, talking on the phone. But in the morning I have to remember not to sweep this under the carpet. God I wish I were someone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
curryeater · 19/06/2010 01:31

thumbwitch - I know, I was just displacing the whole thing on the curry because the curry doesn't actually have booze in it I was feeling all self righteous about being "harassed" for heating up curry and making a cup of tea, but.... yes, this is irrelevant. I need to grow up, need to change. thanks everyone for talking to me, makes me feel better, even, or especially, for telling me home truths. Not nice. Things have to change.

OP posts:
Just13moreyearstogo · 19/06/2010 01:33

Goodnight curryeater - this is the first step. No, I don't have a prob with alcohol but my father did and it ruined my childhood. I, in my turn, had a serious eating disorder which, thank God I cracked with the help of therapy. You have to accept that there are reasons why you're drinking like this and that to stay off it long term you'll need to understand what's driving your behaviour and what other strategies you can put in place to deal with the difficult feelings that you're trying to drown in alcohol.

singsinthebath · 19/06/2010 01:37

"sometimes the universe is a howling emptiness"

Wow, a very bleak image, but you have a very eloquent writing style. Sometimes you have to experience the lows to appreciate the highs. Why not take this is a low point and move on upwards from here.

I don't have any specific advice regarding alcoholism - just a message of support. But please try and get help over the weekend.

Original poster
curryeater · 19/06/2010 01:38

Just13moreyears - that is what I can't manage. I can do a puritan type shut down thing for a while, but my feelings always want to get out. DP always tells me off for doing errands or housework on my Fridays when I am off work with dd - he doesn't understand that when I cut loose, I cut loose, and everything goes wrong. I have so many things to manage and the only way I seem to be able to do it is to just wear blinkers and work, work, work. I want to be able to look up at the sky and smell the rain without going crazy. I can't cope with how I feel. I just can't. I have to, because I am a mother now.

OP posts:
IsGraceAvailable · 19/06/2010 01:55

I hope you remember to come back to your thread in the morning

You sound very sad. I'm glad you got your curry! You can go to AA before you make up your mind about drinking. One thing you can be sure of is that, in any meeting, there will be quite a few there who know the "howling emptiness" you speak of - though few could describe it so evocatively in the middle of the night!

I'm very sorry you didn't get a helpful counsellor, you deserve more compassion. It might be a good idea to go back to your GP (or try another one) with a written description of how you feel about your life.

Also, DO find an AA meeting, and give it at least a couple of weeks to get the hang of things.

Your life sounds pretty tough. Hope you're feeling okay when you come back to this - how about starting a thread in Relationships, get some more feedback & support?

Take care of yourself. Really, you're worth it - ask DD if you don't believe me!