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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

big...Big...BIG falling out with my parents. What would you do with the children in this situation?

46 replies

TwinBabyRabbits · 18/06/2010 09:51

So, I have had a huge disagreement with my mother and we are no longer on speaking terms.

However, she still wants to see her grandchildren.

Now, on the one hand I don't want to prevent my children having a relationship with their grandmother (and god knows we are certainly in no position to be turning down any offers of practical support).

But - would you feel comfortable leaving your little ones with someone that you were not on speaking terms with?

Kids are little - 9 months and 5 years.

OP posts:

HurleySatOnMe · 18/06/2010 09:52

It depends entirely what the fallign out was about. TBh I think you should both try and get over it, for the dc's sake if nothing else

Tortington · 18/06/2010 09:53

theres a difference betwen you not talking to her and her being the kind of person to be vindictive becuase your not talking t let your children stay with her

if she is the latter - you shouldn't everlet the kids stay with her. i suspect this isn't the case

mistletoekisses · 18/06/2010 09:53

to some extent it does depend on the nature of the disagreement. but without knowing more of the facts, yes i would let my dc's have a relationship with thei grandmother.

ChippingIn · 18/06/2010 09:57

As the others have said - it really depends on the nature of the falling out.

I can't imagine falling out with my parents so badly that it can't be sorted out, yet being happy to let them have my children. If it's not a serious enough problem that I wouldn't trust them with my children (physically or emotionally) then I would think we could sort it out....??

redskyatnight · 18/06/2010 10:02

I don't get on with my mother. I take the children over to see her after school every couple of weeks. And invite her over on birthdays/special days. She ignores me and focuses on the children. I would not leave the children with her on her own (partly due to the reasons we don't get on).

Basically I let her see the children at a level I think a neutral observer would think was "fair". I don't want her adding "you never let me see the grandchildren" to her list of (imagined and otherwise) woes.

AMumInScotland · 18/06/2010 10:19

Like the others, I think it depends!

If it's something which you can/should/will get over in a little while, then I think you should focus on letting the children continue to have a relationship with her in the meantime.

But if it's of the level of significance where you may never be able to speak to her again, then you need to consider how you are going to deal with it for years to come, and it will be much harder to make any kind of arrangement which would work.

And if it's about something which has implications for the children's welfare, then that would need to be resolved before I would consider letting her see them, certainly unsupervised.

NotActuallyAMum · 18/06/2010 10:22

My sister and mum had a massive fall out 14 years ago, and although they've made it up now they didn't speak for nearly 5 years. During that time I took the kids to see mum and dad, is there someone who could do this for you if you don't feel up to facing her?

Original poster

TwinBabyRabbits · 18/06/2010 10:35

Well, the reason we have fallen out is nothing to do with the children and I don't really have any concerns about their welfare when they are with her.

But she has in my opinion behaved despicably towards me. She has told several of my work colleagues about a very private medical issue which I had specifically told her to keep to herself as I am not comfortable talking about it at all.

She has form for idle gossiping and will think nothing of discussing intimate details of mine and dh's relationship with mates down the pub.

I have bitten my tongue for years, but the latest issue was the final straw and I have told her how hurt I am by it.

She says I shouldn't be so sensitive and stroppy and that if I can't accept her for who she is then I am 'a nasty bitch' (her words).

OP posts:

fustyarse · 18/06/2010 10:38

if she is prone to idle gossip, can you imagine what a perfect opportunity you'd be giving her for gossip by stopping her seeing your dcs?

I would continue to let her see them, but in the future I would not be confiding in her about anything

autodidact · 18/06/2010 10:40

How shit of her, tbr.

Let her see the children but continue to be completely clear that you think she has been bang out of order and owes you an apology.

lovechoc · 18/06/2010 10:45

I don't speak to my FIL but do visit for the sake of DS. He has a great relationship with him and I would never want DS to miss out on that.

Just because I don't get on well with his grandad, doesn't mean that DS should suffer.

Hope things work out for you.

Xenia · 18/06/2010 10:45

Sue her for damages (she broke the law) - that might make her take you seriously. But more seriously make sure the 5 year old doesn't tell her any family secrets as they'll be out all over the place before you know it. But yes let her see them particularly if it's helpful to you and do not ever again confide in her and then she'll have no information to spread around. SOme people are leaking sieves.

megapixels · 18/06/2010 10:53

For me in would depend on the reason. I would never stop talking to my parents unless for a really, really, really good (i.e. BAD) reason. In your case I can understand how hurt and angry you must be. It doesn't look like your mother can be trusted, and I'm sorry but I wouldn't want my children near someone I can't trust. But then again I don't understand the whole "I don't want anything to do with X but I want my children to have a relationship with X" thing. Makes no sense to me.

pigsinmud · 18/06/2010 10:59

4 years ago, just after birth of dc4, my mil announced she was not going to speak to us for 6 months. We'd had ongoing problems since the birth of our first child 8 years earlier. She tried to set up a meeting with our dc with help of dh's sister during the middle of this 6 months, but we refused.

It depends really. Do you think the relationship can be repaired sufficiently so that you'd feel ok to see her with the children? If you don't think you are going to speak for a long time, then perhaps an arrangement needs to be made for her to see your children.

I can't stand my mil, but have learnt to tolerate her and try to act like everything is just fine.

expatinscotland · 18/06/2010 11:01

What Xenia said. I do know some people who do not have contact with their parents and it's usually for some pretty valid reasons.

NoseyNooNoo · 18/06/2010 11:03

I have a similar relationship with my parents and had a serious falling out with them about 6 months after DD was born and I've since had a DS. If I had not had children I would have drawn a line under it and cut ties with my parents. However, I wanted my children to have a relationship with their grandparents so I have bitten my tongue and allowed them to have that relationship. I no longer have a 'soft' relationship with parents, it's all very perfunctory, but I didn't want my children to ask why they couldn't see their grnadparents and have to say it was because I could not be adult enough to deal with them.

Good luck whatever you decide.

ABitTipsy · 18/06/2010 11:05

Your mother sounds like a horrible person. I would steer clear of her and not let my DC's near her either. She seems to show you no respect for your wishes or feelings and is unwilling to admit when she is in the wrong. I suspect there is a long history between you of contempt for you and your feelings on her part. Do you want your DC's to be around and be under the influence of somebody like that?

expatinscotland · 18/06/2010 11:06

I don't know that I'd leave them with her, though, until the 5-year-old has a stronger grasp of confidentiality.

My best friend doesn't have a relationship with her biological father, who was an abusive alcoholic and gambler whilst she was growing up and allowed her stepmother to beat her quite a bit (my friend's mother was a heroin addict who ultimately OD'd when my pal was 15, so my friend was brought up by her maternal grandparents and 'father').

She does, however, have a terrific relationship with her half-sister.

When her half-sister still lived at their biological dad's and my friend wanted to talk to her and 'Glen' or the biatch stepmum picked up the phone, she'd just say, 'May I speak to Sandra?' and they'd hand the phone over.

ABitTipsy · 18/06/2010 11:07

Xenia, how do you propose that the OP makes sure her 5 year old does not tell her mother any family secrets?

pigsinmud · 18/06/2010 11:09

The trouble is NoseyNooNoo as your children grow up they will realize that your behaviour is different around your parents and will want to know why.

We had to explain to the oldest dc that their granny was refusing to talk to us and that we didn't really know why. There is no way I could let my children spend the day with someone who is refusing to talk to me. We didn't even have a valid reason from her.

Original poster

TwinBabyRabbits · 18/06/2010 11:09

ABitTipsy - That's the bit I was just thinking about!!

OP posts:

titchy · 18/06/2010 11:11

How many family secrets do 5 year olds know?!

lovechoc · 18/06/2010 11:17

sometimes you have to put your own differences aside and let your children have that relationship with the grandparents. Your children are individuals in their own right and you may find (like I do) that they get on great together (with the GPs) even if you don't.

In my situation there's a clash of personality so it's very difficult to see eye to eye, and I don't get upset over it, I just appreciate that DS is entitled to see all the family whenever he wants to, without my opinions getting in the way.

Oenopod · 18/06/2010 11:28

My mother didn't really speak to her mother for years when we were all really little. We were all completely unaware of it until we were adults. We spent loads of time with our grandparents and have very fond memories of that time and had really special relationships with them.

We never noticed that our mum dropped us off and picked us up without coming in.

Don't deny your DC the chance to have that relationship. Their relationship is independent of yours. My grandmother was a bitch to my mother but she and I had a fantastic relationship.

It is key that you do not let your differences (there are always two sides to an argument) interfere with that.

lovechoc · 18/06/2010 11:31

"Their relationship is independent of yours"

That is so true IMO.

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