big...Big...BIG falling out with my parents. What would you do with the children in this situation?

[TwinBabyRabbits]

So, I have had a huge disagreement with my mother and we are no longer on speaking terms.

However, she still wants to see her grandchildren.

Now, on the one hand I don't want to prevent my children having a relationship with their grandmother (and god knows we are certainly in no position to be turning down any offers of practical support).

But - would you feel comfortable leaving your little ones with someone that you were not on speaking terms with?

Kids are little - 9 months and 5 years.

Hmm. I can see that what your mother has done is hurtful and infuriating, but it certainly doesn;t make her a danger to the DC, so your best bet is to allow them to continue seeing their granny, and on your own account, just don't ever confide in your mother again. Because she obviously can't keep her trap shut - which is grim but one of those things you can deal with by simply never telling such a person anything that matters.

just stick to conversations with your mother about the weather and you can't go wrong OP. keep it civil.

My gran was nasty and she was horrible to my mum and dad (despite dad being her son) and she used us kids as a way of getting back at my parents. She was very manipulative, regularly said things like "you can only reply on me, not your mum and dad" etc.

If your mother is like this it is better for the DC not to see her as she will pump them for info and then talk about it by the sound of it.

what if your mum told your DC that you were anasty bitch?

Gran regularly told me my mother was crap. This is very difficult to deal with when you are 5/6/7 (as I was) as I knew I loved my mum and surely I was meant to love my gran, and she was a grown up so I should listen to her? But she would sit there slagging off my parents, my aunt (her own daughter) and everyone in the street. what was I meant to do?

So if your mum is like this it will only confuse your children.

No no no no no. DO NOT let the children spend time with her.

I know what i am saying sounds very unreasonable but i have been in a similar situation and it will come back and bite you on the arse if you let the children spend time alone together.

I haven't spoken to my father in 7 years. Some of my siblings do, some don't. He is separated from my mother.
He will never be allowed to see my children. He has no 'right' to. They can grow up quite happily without ever meeting him and it not leaving a big gap in their lives.
I would not allow my siblings to take them to visit either as he is a posionous person and I don't want them hearing his opinion of me.
If your mother thinks you are a 'nasty bitch' then can you trust she would not say something nasty about you in front of them? Because if you can't be 100% that she wouldn't you really shouldn't allow her to see them.

TBH, if she has "form", I do wonder why you confided in her.

That said, I would have no problem in keeping my children away from somebody who clearly could/would not respect my wishes & called me a "nasty bitch".

Why would they need a relationship with such a person?

My children & I are a package!

Blimey talk about opposing views!

I have not spoken to my mother for about 8 months, however I still want dd to have a relationship with her. It is painful - personally I would love to tell my mother to get stuffed and not let dd see her again, however imo that would be deeply unfair to dd. So they still see each other. It was very painful when I last dropped dd down to Devon - my mother walked passed and gave me a filthy look, and I cried my eyes out round the corner, however the fight is between us two, and why should my daughter get involved in the middle of it all.

It's not easy however you really do need to take the higher ground. If she is a gossipy old bugger anyway you are giving her perfect ammunition - just imagine the field day she will have playing the professional victim 'oh my daughter won't let me see the grandchildren it is heartbreaking weep wail'.

I disagree with people who say mother and children come as a package tbh. It is not fair to deprive them of what may be a much loved grandmother. Just because your relationship with your mother is awful, it doesn't necessarily mean that it is the same with your kids.

That wasn't very nice of her but I don't think you should have stopped speaking to her because of it. I would still take the children to see her.

I've been through this kind of situation with my own Mum, though for different reasons

She can be very volatile, unnreasonable openly favours my Brother & always has & enjoys trying to play us off against each other, regularly flies off & stops speaking to me, sometimes for years on end, mine can also be very manipulative & dishonest & plays the guilt trip to the hilt to get her own way, & in the past that has meant lying so that none of my family spoke to me on her say so...thankfully they know better these days.........& thankfully I don't live close to my Parents, so visits are not an issue,

But DD does get on great with both of her Grandparents, especially my Mum....as my Mum so kindly told me when she first met DD (over 1yr old, as she hadn't spoken to me then for 2 years ) "well at least you've given me in a Granddaughter, a real little girl, the kind you never were" [hmm} .........& I do see that DD s very "girly" & relates well to my Mum because she is too

so despite my Mum not currently speaking to me AGAIN I do encourage DD to ring her..........though DD has surprised me this time, & refused, turns out my Mum has upset her too.......

without my knowing, DD had told her Nana about a recent health scare I had......something I never bother to talk to my Mum about anymore as she has some pretty weird ideas on illness, so I've learned not to wind myself up.........but turns out DD is upset with her for whatever her reply was & in DDs words, "for my Nana not caring & asking if you are okay" when I later took the phone........DD is only 7 & I am playing down my own fall out with my Mum, as a "bit silly" ..........

so in my experience Kids can be surprisingly astute in these situations, but from earlier experience when my Mum kept deliberately sending DD parcels of things I had already said no too...including bras high heels, too old DVDs & Games.......PC games telly DD I would by her a computer to play them on, as we use MAC.& sweets my Mum knew she was allergic too....etc etc etc

The one VERY important bit of advice I will give.........is by all means keep up THEIR relationship with your Mum, if you know they are safe with her, then tthey have a right to that......

but DO make sure that they don't, as my own DD automatically presumed...that the pecking order is .....Grandmother is in charge....because she is YOUR Mother........simply because, as Mum, you are in charge of your own Kids.........until DD came out & told me this, I had HELL over the unsuitable gifts..........once I put DD straight, that is true for Children, but I am now a grown up, & HER Mum, so I'm in charge of DD....everything ran a LOT more smoothly

good luck

Gawd my fingers REALLy have a mind of their own today ...I hope that made some sense [confused[]

I think that life is too short to fall out with close relatives. I wouldn't involve the DCs-20 years down the line it will probably seem very silly to them and they will wonder why they had to get drawn in to an argument not of their making.

piscesmoon Fri 18-Jun-10 13:38:21
I think that life is too short to fall out with close relatives. I wouldn't involve the DCs-20 years down the line it will probably seem very silly to them and they will wonder why they had to get drawn in to an argument not of their making.

I think for most family fall outs you DO have a very valid point, but trust me there are Relatives {smile} & there are RELATIVES & until you deal with the latter, its impossible to have a grasp on why families can & DO fall out for good, my life would be MUCH easier if I didn't have my Mum to deal with, & the times she doesn't speak to me, upsetting as they are....are also the most stress free periods of my life.......so I can TOTALLY understand why for some, sad as it is......falling out for good, is actually the best option

Maybe I'm just lucky but I can't imagine falling out with my parents whatever they say! In the same way that I am there for my DCs, whatever.
If you are going to fall out and prevent the DCs seeing them I think that you need to be clear in your own mind that 20yrs on it won't seem anything other than silly to DCs. You read in the paper about twin brothers who haven't spoken for 20 yrs and you think (or I do)how pathetic-why couldn't they sit down and sort it out.

A hard one. If you can manage it, I would take my DC to see her but would keep communications with her to a minimum and NEVER discuss personal stuff with her again as she has lost all rights to know it, if she can't keep it to herself.

I have no truck with this "take me as I am, this is me, like it or lump it" bollocks - there are standards of behaviour that it is reasonable to expect of someone who is supposed to care about you, and she has failed to maintain them. (Mind you, if you knew this was a problem of hers you shouldn't have told her in the first place as you might have known the outcome!)

If you can't manage to be with your mother in civil near-silence, then drop them off - or get DH to do it for you.

well, i'd hope that no-one was confiding 'family secrets' to a 5 yr old - if I'm not happy for news to be spread, i don't tell people.

my mother is also the town gossip - i am not. so i know LOADS of stuff about the town i grew up in which she doesn't, even though i left there over 20 years ago. people tell me stuff & say 'don't tell your mum'.

i also don't tell my mum things i don't want everyone else to know.

sad though it is, my mum is just not the person to have a private heart to heart with. i once told her about the IVF we were doing. within 12 hours, she'd told the neighbour 'because she's a doctor so she'd understand & keep it quiet', then she started telling people i couldn't make a family 'do' cos I was having 'a small gynae op' - NO, mother, I said do NOT mention it. Tell them I have flu, don't pretty much tell them what is happening, just using different words.

So, mum only gets told stuff that I'm prepared to make public. if she asks why i don't tell her before, when i do break news, i just say 'i was keeping it quiet' rather than 'cos you'd blab'

so, learn your lesson, keep quiet around her, and i think that whilst she has been v hurtful, this would not be a deal breaker for me, i'd forgive & forget. fwiw, she's prob been nasty in self defense, she prob realises that she did wrong but doesn't want to admit it.

Good grief, that second sentence of mine was a right muddle - I meant "If you can manage it, you could take your DC to see her but..." Too much mixing of the "what I would do" with the "what you could do".

You are lucky piscesmoon. I haven't spoken to my Mum in over 12 years and my DD has never met her (5.5). However, my Mum is a very extreme case - narcissistic ex alcoholic.

DD also no longer sees my Dad because he is a child sex abuser.

I am confortable with my decisions, but I feel very sad that my DD does not have relationships with them. My ex MIL is a twisted and bitter witch, but her and DD have a great relationship so I will facilitate that.

IMO I would let your Mum see your kids, but don't do the handovers etc. Your Mum sounds cruel, not so much for the gossiping but the way she talked to you. I would write to her and lay out the boundaries, two strikes and you're out.

I would carry on letting your mum see your DC, civilised mimimal conversation on your part and then you are on the moral high ground and can't be accused of cutting her off from her DGC.

However if there is any hint of nasty stuff about you being said to your DC or your DC being pumped for sensitive information then that would make it a cutting contact issue IMO.

If she is harmful I would stop it. If it is merely a difference of opinion then I would let them have a relationship. You have to bear in mind that DCs are just as likely to take after mother or MIL than you and they might get on wonderfully well.

Hmmm...it's a tricky one.....I personally would do what Kamer suggests.

If she starts bad mouthing you to the DC's I would stop contact....you don't have to put up with that.