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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not have taken 10m old DD to these wedding receptions

36 replies

BlueBubblegum · 17/06/2010 22:14

DH and I attended two wedding receptions and 1 'pre-wedding' function over the last weekend. One of them was a first cousins wedding and the other a family friend. All three were in the evening and we didnt get home until 1am every night.

DH and I both agreed it would be best for DD to stay at home as she goes to bed at 7pm and never wakes before 6am, so we arranged for a family friend to babysit for us after DD went to sleep. DD loves her sleep and will only sleep in her cot (very rarely sleeps in buggy, max of 20mins if she does fall asleep in there).

We got lots of comments whilst there with regards to this arrangement, everyone expected us to bring DD with us, show her off, get her in pictures etc. Hearing these comments made me feel a little guilty and a bit selfish too but surely it was better for her to stay at home and get her sleep rather than be at an event with loud music, flashing disco lights and hundreds of people well past her bedtime? I'd imagine she'd be very over tired and wouldnt sleep in her buggy (not for very long anyway).

So were we being too precious with DD? She is on a really good routine at the moment and is such a happy baby when she gets her sleep & food on time, but a very cranky one when she doesnt.

OP posts:
mnistooaddictive · 17/06/2010 22:19

YANBU why do people think it is a good idea to take a small child to a wedding? If you have no other choice then that sis different but I am sure you hadf a much better time than if you constantly had to entertain a tired grumpy baby.

stacey5426 · 17/06/2010 22:19

Hey there BlueBubblegum. I dont think you were being unreasonable, Id have done exactly the same. Like you say she's in a good routine and something like that can put you a step back.

mamaduckbone · 17/06/2010 22:19

Your friends ABU, you are not! It would be bizarre IMO to take a baby to an evening function like this. Am at your sleepy baby though - my 11 month old is waking 3 times a night at the moment so a whole night out is but a distant memory...

wannaBe · 17/06/2010 22:25

yanbu. I don't get this expectation by other people that baby should be there.

When my sil got married I had no intention of taking then ten mo ds to the wedding as I figured it would be boring/hard work for us. But I was told by my fil in no uncertain terms that "it is not your decision to make, there are people that will be expecting him to be there."

As it happened ds was ill on the day of the wedding and we didn't take him. I wonder to this day whether they believe that he was actually ill - he was.

shinyrobot · 17/06/2010 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 17/06/2010 22:27

I don't think YABU but then neither were those asking after your DD,
take it as a compliment that they are interested in your baby and that she would have been made welcome had you taken her.
I suspect they won't now be giving your decision a second thought, so why should you?

hogshead · 17/06/2010 22:32

nope YANBU

we went to a wedding last weekend when it was really really hot. Venue was 5 hours drive away and tbh I was SOOOO pleased DS (9 months) wasnt invited it would have been a nightmare with him crawling all over the place and he would have hated the heat. we took a load of recent photos instead.

DS had his own lovely weekend with my sister and BIL.

Plus it was wonderful to have some time away with DH (and there was bountiful amounts of booze laid on) Heaven!

ninipops · 17/06/2010 22:36

YANBU I am bridesmaid at my sisters wedding in August and my LO will be 7 months. she will be there for the ceremony and the pics but after that a mate of mine is picking her up and keeping her for the night. She will (hopefully!) get a decent nights sleep and DH and I will both be able to let our hair down/get an uninterrupted nights sleep!

Original poster
BlueBubblegum · 17/06/2010 22:38

Thanks for your replies, I do feel better about it now. I did feel like our parenting was being questioned, but I feel better knowing that we only did what was best for DD.

There were actually lots of babies there, so I guess thats why they expected us to bring DD with too ('if they can do it, so can you). But these babies were clearly over-tired and over-stimulated as they just cried most of the time there, but I understand some people don't have a choice.

I do feel for you Mamaduck, I have a friend who is going through something similar, hope your baby sleeps better soon. They're all different arent they, mine just took after me, lazy and loves her sleep

OP posts:
pimmslemonadeiceandaslice · 17/06/2010 22:41

You can't win can you? So many parents get 'told off' for taking their dc to weddings, then now you get told off for not taking your dd.

I'd have done the same as you, btw, my dc when small would have become over-tired, emotional and demanding. Hardly the recipe for a fun night out.

sanfairyann · 17/06/2010 22:48

ours have always had a whale of a time as a one off but tbh I've always been more worried in case people thought they shouldn't have been there - you can't win can you?

IamBatman · 17/06/2010 22:56

YANBU, its no fun being out with a 10 month old and its better she gets her sleep anyway

Habbibu · 17/06/2010 22:59

YANBU, though we've always taken dd with us (miles away from family, etc) and it's been fine - she's always slept happily for ages in the buggy. I've liked having her there, and she's been on good form, but given we had little choice, it's moot.

Seems like you can't win!

funkychunkymunky · 17/06/2010 23:01

Sounds just like my DD! I'd have done the same or I would have taken her with us and made sure we were home for her 10pm feed. Once she'd had that feed then I would put her in her cot.

So YANBU!

Helokitty · 18/06/2010 00:05

YANBU
I leave my children behind at weddings whenever I can and my girls are 6 and 3!
They find weddings boring, play up, I get stressed and shout. Far better that they enjoy a day with Gran, than having to spend a day being quiet in a place where they do not want to be.

People who have a go are just projecting their own personal opinions of what weddings are about "They're about family" etc. Really? Says who? There is nothing in the modern wedding ceremony (secular) that really talks about this, and so I completely disagree - weddings (to me) are about the joining together of a couple, and all too often, these are not child friendly events, and therefore I'd rather leave my children behind whenever I can!

joyjac · 18/06/2010 00:44

YANBU to leave her at home when you had arrangements made and she was going to be much happier.
Am surprised though that she cannot sleep in a buggy for more than 20 minutes. I would have thought that was very unusual and a right pain in the neck. When I just had PFB I was delighted to be able to get a leisurely coffee in town while little one slept on peacefully, 20 minutes just wouldn't cut it!

TenaciousMe · 18/06/2010 08:07

I think if u had a babysitter and wanted a nice night out without baby the urnbu at all. If it was just because of the routine thing then maybe a bit precious. People do seem to become a bit obsessed with routine. One night different here and there doesn't hurt them, in fact I think it's quite good for them. IMO babies who are allowed out of their daily routine every now and again are often a bit more laid back and adaptable rather than becoming overwhelmed, unsettled etc.
Saying that, like I said, if u had a sitter I don't blame u for just having a nice adult night out!

GiraffeYoga · 18/06/2010 08:37

YANBU. Sounds like it was best for everyone concerned- DD got to sleep where she is comfortable, and you got a stress free evening.

I had the same thing when DD was 8mnths. Invited for dinner at friends house. Got a babysitter. We only could stay for a limited period as I was still dream feeding her then. We got all sorts of comments, why didnt we bring her, everyone could have taken in turns looking after her, we wanted a cuddle and a classic when we went to leave, "well we took the kids everywhere with us when they were babies, they didnt rule our life"

I usually really enjoy an evening with these friends but I didnt that night and we havent seen them since.

GiraffeYoga · 18/06/2010 08:41

why is this the case?

"If it was just because of the routine thing then maybe a bit precious"

Why is wanting to keep your child in a routine and away from noisy evening that they wont enjoy at 10mths precious????? Especailly for 3 evenings on the go.

People on MN are so quick to accuse others of being precious/ PFB etc.

Almost seems like a right of passage somehow.

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/06/2010 08:43

yanbu - you and dh enjoyed a night out and dd slept

normally at wedding some bridzilla complain if children are there and were not invited - you cant win either way

flootshoot · 18/06/2010 08:58

YANBU. I get so annoyed with having to drag DS to events that are no fun for him so that family can see him when I'd much rather leave him with a babysitter so he can get a decent night's sleep (or day out) and I can have a break!

I was trying to find a babysitter for DS for a family birthday recently as it was no kids. At the last minute everyone insisted I bring him as there was an overseas relative attending who would like to meet him. So a day out that should have been a break and treat for me and DH turned into an long day looking after DS in an un-child-friendly environment (event was held next to a river with no barrier). Yes, it was lovely for the relative to meet DS, but it made for a v. stressful day for us and we had to let our babysitter down when she had changed her plans especially for us.

You can't win!

MumNWLondon · 18/06/2010 09:22

YANBU - whether for routine or otherwise, I would do the same. When asked - where is DD, have said - she's a baby/toddler/ etc and its past her bedtime - I'd rather enjoy the wedding that look after an overtired baby.

I have an 8 week old EBF baby and if i was invited to a wedding now I would leave him at home with babysitter and a bottle.

cory · 18/06/2010 09:24

Up to you imho. I would probably have taken dcs because it is the norm in my culture: children do get taken to family gatherings form an early age and just go to sleep in a corner. But if you didn't want to, then I think that's your call.

bran · 18/06/2010 09:43

Having your parenting questioned is part of being a parent IMO. If a quarter of the people at the wedding commented negatively on your baby not being there, then about the same number would have commented negatively if she had been there. Not only that, but there would be at least one or two people who would have disapproved either way.

Do what you want and suits your family best, YANBU.

wotnickname · 18/06/2010 10:51

No YANBU

We are getting married ourselves soon. We have a lot of friends with babies and I am really surprised that they ALL opted to bring them. I am worried the parents won't enjoy themselves and won't be able to dance the night away. Some are travelling some distance though and I cant expect them to leave their babies for a whole weekend. And some don't get to see much of their baby during the week, etc.

However I shouldn't complain as our DS will be 11 months and will be there and will bring a lot of joy to his extended family who live far away.

Swings and roundabouts! But its your choice to make.