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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To consider moving my DS to another school?

44 replies

Xavielli · 17/06/2010 16:34

DS is in the foundation stage at his school. His class consists of 16 other kids. A few things recently have started bothering me;

Firstly: I go to collect him one friday afternoon and he is stood in his wellies forlornly clutching one of his school shoes, there are 4 or 5 girls sat around crying because, whilst they were playing outside, a little boy in there class had been throwing shoes on the school roof. When I arrived there were 5 staff there, and it concerns me that this 4-5 year old boy was able to go a good 20 metres away from the rest of the class collect the shoes, go back out and throw them on the roof (and considering the amount of shoes he managed to get up there I'm guessing he was able to do this more than once) without any of the staff noticing him/his absence.

The next week: Collect DS in the afternoon, he's wearing his sun hat, we get home, he takes off the hat and there is about a 2 inch bruise just above his temple. Now I don't wrap my son up in cotton wool but surely someone should have mentioned a bumped head of any kind? Mind you there have been 2 times where I have taken him in the morning and his teacher has said 'Oh forgot to tell you yesterday, DS was bitten by another pupil, could you sign this please' - I wasn't so bothered about this at the time but it just another niggle.

Wednesday: School trip, I had specifically asked the teacher on Tuesday whether they had to wear uniform for the trip and she said yes. So when we arrive at the school on Weds morning to find that DS is the ONLY one in uniform I was absolutely gutted for him, and did say to one of the teachers that perhaps a little more comunication was required in things like this so the kids weren't made to feel left out in such a way.

This morning: Yes ok, I was a little snippy about the school uniform thing yesterday, I am 20 weeks pregnant with DC3. DS was upset that I'd asked him to put his hat in his draw when we got to school (he gets like this when I drop him off, he is very quick to cry, which he gets from me) his teacher asked if she could have a word, I could feel myself being wound up by DS and said politely that maybe we should keep it for another day as I didn't think I could deal with it this morning. DS then gets really upset that I won't talk to said teacher. I'm knelt on the floor telling him I will talk to Mrs X another day, Daddy was picking him up (something for him to be excited about) and that there was no need for him to be upset about anything - meanwhile, Mrs X has taken hold of DS's wrist and is saying 'Come with me DS, we'll have a look at the pictures from the school trip' and starts dragging him away.

I took his wrist back and said 'I'm not finished. Let me deal with this, I am capable' she said she didn't feel it was something that needed dealing with and that she was trying to help - I'm afraid the old pregnancy hormones may have taken over entirely then (I was already crying with rage) and I said 'you may be trying to help but you just come across as patronising and I'm getting sick of it' (She is a good teacher, the kids love her, but having spent so long with 5 year olds she has obviously forgotten that people don't generally appreciate being spoken down to)

Surely when a parent is talking to their child you don't try and drag the child away? No matter who you are. I would be livid if even my own mother, or DS's Dad did this. How dare she undermine my authority like that? What if he now thinks he doesn't have to listen to me at all, and if he doesn't listen about the little things is he going to listen when I tell him not to run out in a road or anything else dangerous?

I know this whole thing may be overshadowed by pregnancy hormones. My DD is going to be in this woman's class in september and I'm just not sure if I,

a) trust the school
b) trust her.

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByABear · 17/06/2010 16:39

And breathe. Your child is there to learn - and if he gets clingy with you in a morning the best thing the teacher can do is distract him whilst you quietly exit. If the teacher asks to speak to you, I cannot udnderstand how you could not do it then? I would be too nosy concerned to know what she wanted to leave it to another day.

With regards to the shoes on the roof - appalling. Not being told of a bang on the head - not very good - processes should be in place.

booboobeedoo · 17/06/2010 16:41

YABU - sorry to say, but sounds a little hormonal and PFB to me! It all sounds fairly normal to me + the teacher was just trying to help, not undermine. Have a cup of tea + breathe....

tagine · 17/06/2010 16:53

Wow. I'm sorry to agree with the other posts so far, in that I think you're being unreasonable. She was trying to help you by distracting your son and getting him into class - she probably thought that even more so as you'd said you were struggling that day (and so couldn't speak to her).

Goodness. It really doesn't need to be a battle you know. Why not try being on the same side for a bit? And if your son's already struggling to settle the last thing I'd be doing is thinking of changing schools.

I do feel for you, you seem really stressed and pregnancy can't be helping that - totally remember the tiredness and hormones etc... but I think maybe take a step back and don't make any decision while you're feeling like this.

deaddei · 17/06/2010 16:59

Yes YABU as the others say.
She was trying to distract him, not undermine you.
Have a cup of tea and something nice, and perhaps tomorrow when you see the teacher, apologise for today- blame hormones, straw that broke the camel's back etc.
Otherwise you may be the talk of the staff room.

LutyensCBA · 17/06/2010 17:08

Wow! Try and relax a bit, looks like your pregnancy hormones are getting the better of you!

Right, boy throwing shoes on roof - not good, but as long as the boy was reprimanded and the incident isn't repeated, I would let it slide. Judging by dd's school, they probably has a word with the boy's parent but they won't discuss the incident with any other parent.

Bump on head - this would make me . Not enough to change schools, but enough to have a word with the teacher and demand an explanation. Once explanation is given, move on...not something to dwell on.

School uniform - poor communication but really not the end of the world. Happens in the best of schools! And a foundation- age child really wong feel left out because of attire, trust me. This is an age when Spiderman costumes are considered appropriate clothes for the park!!!

The whole teacher taking hand thing - Blown out of proportion by your hormones I'm afraid! This is quite normal behaviour - if the child is upset to leave the teacher/TA/ nursery worker always leads them away from the parent and distracts them with a toy or task. It does not undermine you in any way, it is just an opportunity for you to slip away.

Have a nice strong cuppa, love. And try to relax a wee bit

GiddyPickle · 17/06/2010 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xavielli · 17/06/2010 17:43

I knew what she wanted, I wasn;t in the frame of mind to discuss it with her.

DS wasn't upset that I was leaving he was upset about a hat and that I didn't want to talk to his teacher.

And I'm sorry, when I'm having a conversation with someone, anyone, I would NOT expect another person coming and taking them by the wrist, talking over me and dragging them away to be acceptable ways to behave.

She did undermine my authority, she constantly makes parents feel like shit. If this is what you want from the teachers of your children then maybe thats why she is how she is.

OP posts:
Xavielli · 17/06/2010 17:44

and yeah, thanks I'm sure a cup of bloody tea will make me feel that I'm making the right choices for my child.

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 17/06/2010 17:49

Are you sure you aren't feeling shit because you were embarrassed that your refusal to speak to her was what upset him - and he showed that upset in front of his teacher?

I can't really say whether the intent of her actions was to undermine you - it could have been, but then it might not have.

The shoes thing is a worry

EvilTwins · 17/06/2010 17:51

OP, why did you post in AIBU? Surely you knew to expect that not everyone would agree with you.

I'm afraid I agree with everyone else. I'm a teacher, and if I was spoken to like that by a parent (the 'you may be trying to help but you just come across as patronising and I'm getting sick of it') I'd be absolutely livid. How could you even think of behaving like that? Pregnancy hormones or not, you were totally out of order, and you ought to apologise to her. She is there to teach your DC, not to be spoken to like that. I imagine if she'd spoken to you like that, you'd have been straight into the head to complain.

GinandChocolate · 17/06/2010 17:51

Why ask if YABU? You don't like it when people say you are, and really YABVU and very rude to the teacher and to the people on here who have offered their opinion in response to your request.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 17/06/2010 17:51

I don't think bobobeedoo intention was to patronise. I'm sensing that this thread may upset you more....

< ducks >

Altinkum · 17/06/2010 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 17/06/2010 18:03

You could take Lutyens 'Have a nice strong cuppa, love. And try to relax a wee bit' as being patronising, if you were in the frame of mind to interpret as nasty.

But, if you were in a good mood, it could be taken as a friendly comment that perhaps you're a bit touchy and need to relax.

As Lutyens spent time typing to give you some good advice, I think it's the latter.

YABU OP, in being rude to Lutyens, and getting some things at your DSs school out of perspective.

ZZZenAgain · 17/06/2010 18:06

what was it she wante dto speak to you about but you didn't want to deal with just then? Was it that you'd been a bit snippy about the school uniform thing?

Is it that a bit deeeper down, you don't really like her?

ZZZenAgain · 17/06/2010 18:08

how about
a) arrange a time to talk with her about whatever it is
and anything else
together with dh. He'll be able to judge if your hormones are just getting the best of you, I can't
b) if you come out of that unhappy with it, yes, go and look at other schools, why not?
c) give it a week or two of calm before you do anything else, like make a decision

QualityTime · 17/06/2010 18:10

I think the first thing you need to do is apologise to mrs x. She is your child's teacher, and much as I think dd1's teacher is a ditzy mare i would never speak to hernlike that in front of a childshe has to be in charge of.
I have had dd1 crying a couple of times and clinging and they always try and prize her away, that's completely normal.

Re the talking thing. How do you know she didn't want to speak to you about his head bump?

But yes yabu and hormonal and i would be sending in chocs for her as an apology.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 17/06/2010 18:11

If you think the teacher is good, then you don't need to get into a power struggle with her. Your child won't start not listening to you, that's just catastrophising.

I can see that your lack of trust in the school has lead to a lack of trust in her .

ZZen's advice is good

LutyensCBA · 17/06/2010 18:12

Sorry if you thought I was patronising OP, but in my world a cuppa is always the solution if things are getting on top of me, whether that's at work, dd's school or home. I meant to be helpful, and I did try to reply to each of your issues separately so as not to give you a blanket YABU when you're obviously upset. It evidently didn't work so I'll bow out.

RamonaThePest · 17/06/2010 18:14

Whooooahhh - slow down.

You've taken offence when none was intended from the teacher and now you are doing the same here.

I think you've got in a bit of a low mindset and need to try to recognise those who are trying to help.

Morloth · 17/06/2010 18:15

YABU, the only thing that would have bothered me would be the uniform thing, even the shoes is kind of funny (as long as you get them back).

I think you need to calm down a bit, back off and let DS find his feet a little without you.

Not sure changing schools will help TBH all schools are a bit rough and tumble and the idea is to let them get on with things without mummy/daddy making every little thing OK.

OrmRenewed · 17/06/2010 18:15

I suspect the teacher thought that you DS was getting upset so thought getting him into class quickly and distracting him was a good idea. I don't think she has done anything wrong TBH and if she is good teache you'd be well to keep good relations with her.

tagine · 17/06/2010 18:16

In all honesty OP, I'd shut down the computer for the night, get some real life and some rest, and see how you feel in the morning. You might still feel the same, you might feel differently, but I don't think this thread is going to do you any good tonight.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 17/06/2010 18:17

you say "she constantly makes parents feel like shit" - can you give an example?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 17/06/2010 18:19

Actually, scrap that - do what tagine says