to keep a record of my husband's illnesses and complaints - sorry, I mean "illnesses" and "complaints" and yes I know I'm BU

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

I'm just having a petty bitch, really.

My husband is always ill. Or his back hurts. Or he hasn't slept in a few nights.

Every morning I get an update on how he's feeling, as if I couldn't tell by the groans and moans and various dramatic stretches.

I do understand, really I do. He grew up in a family where emotion was frowned upon, but illness and infirmity got you instant attention since all the women in the family are nurses and half the men are doctors. I do understand. And he does genuinely have scoliosis, and weak joints, and he's probably genuinely prone to tummy complaints and I know I'm a bit freakish in that I never get sick and my perspective is skewed.

But it's EVERY day that something's wrong. I've got really callous. "Ooh, my neck's really sore" "well, it would be, you haven't complained about your neck in a month or so, it's probably feeling left out".

It would be unreasonable of me to start logging the complaints so that in a month's time I can show him the list of things that've been wrong with him and sarcastically suggest kindly that he see a professional about his chronic conditions, wouldn't it?

sounds like my dad. YANBU

Weellll you could try it! But don't expect him to see the funny side.

Oooh - very hard on you. My sympathies

I would tell him that until he can express his emotions, rather than a list of ailments, that he won't get my sympathy.

YADNBU

yes I feel the same about DH although he doesn't sound quite as bad.
As well as sleeping - too hot/cold/'light/dark/things on his mind.
He hasn't slept in years - funny how he's always sound asleep when I get up!

Not sleeping is a last resort here. As in, when I sweetly ask about whatever was bothering him the day before and he's clearly forgotten about it, he'll claim insomnia.

The man is not an insomniac.

speaking as someone with health problems and chronic pain YABU, if he can't talk to his wife about the pain he is in it's a shame for the poor man, I wouldn't wish back pain/chronic pain on anyone, tbh, you are just lucky you are pain-free and healthy.

You totally have my sympathy. My husband, while being a very sweet man, is exactly the same.

It's an endless catalogue of minor complaints and he gets so upset if I'm not hugely sympathetic. After 20 odd years I am fed up to the back teeth with it.

If I say something though he gets whiney and defensive and gives me the 'But it hurts, surely I'm allowed to say that it does?' When it's been a headache because he didn't sleep well, his knee hurts, his foot hurts, his tummy is bad, he thinks he's getting sinus trouble, his back aches etc, etc and it's not even mid morning yet, I'm ready to scream.

I also keep threatening to keep a diary of them just so he can see how ridiculous it is.

Everyone on the thread is talking as if he is making a fuss about nothing, I assume the pain from scoliosis is NOT nothing and could be quite bad.

Offer to make a GP appointment for him every time he complains.

Or, would it be possible to sit down and calmly say to him that you think some of these ailments are overexaggerated and could he perhaps verbalise his feelings in other ways?

Oh and I should have said. Mine does not have chronic pain, sleeping problems or any other actual real troubles.

It's purely that he is either wanting attention like a toddler or doesn't want to have to do any of the boring tasks that day to day life brings like washing up or mowing the lawn.

I keep a migraine diary for DH. It's presence alone has somehow magically reduced the frequency with which they occyr.

my ex was like that... always ill, time off work wanting me to wait on him, even going into hospital and nothing was wrong, usually when i had plans or needed him to do something like look after ds for a few hours or had assignments to finish ( i was a student) sometimes he would 'get hurt' as well, falling down stairs, accidentaly cutting himself badly.... so when he said he was ill one time i sent him to bed and ignored him, he came down said he needed to go hospital so i rang a taxi for him, didnt go cos i wasnt dragging ds in there for the night... got a call a few hours later saying he had a perforated bowel and was in surgery! he could have died!

( he was abusive as well... i used the time he was in hospital to escape to a new town)

Fanjo, I am very supportive about the scoliosis, I promise. But he won't go and see a physio, won't consider a different health professional (and I work in medico-legal, so I have offered many names and alternatives and to make appointments), doesn't do his stretching exercises and doesn't take painkillers. And he hasn't complained of back pain in months. I promise, I don't take that one lightly and I do understand about living with chronic pain, my mother does it and I'm constantly trying to persuade her to take it easier.

It's everything else! Today he has sinusitis but he woke up with a massive headache. Yesterday his stomach hurt. The day before "his face was falling off" which means he was having a hystemic reaction to something. He had flu on the weekend.

Sometimes we'll be having a nice peaceful meal and he'll wince and hiss 'oowwwwwww'. What? What's wrong? I'll say.

"Oh, I had an itch"

tortoise - he should go and see a doctor.

OK, I am a man and I might be making this up and imagining it and so on but seriously. I had really aching joints, bad stomach pains and poor sleep for 2 years until I had my gall bladder taken out.

Feel fine now. Its worth thinking about what might be causing it .. and yes I did winge about it for 18 months before DW got sick of me and ordered me to go to the doctors.

Did you also have flu, sinusitis, gastro and "really bad hayfever", none of which stopped you going to work?

I've been ordering him doctor-wards for 10 years now. But the doctors say 'nothing we can do' apparently. Can't imagine why.

I'm going to stop now, because I do sound like far more of a bitch than I intended.

it is really annoying - what my husband does is on those rare occasions i am ill, he is ill too (every TIME) Drives me potty.

i had a UTI and was in pain, he mooched about complaining about a cold, when i gave birth and was sore, he had a 'bad headache' and was 'exhausted'
...I could have strangled him, was very hard not to say how little of a fuck i gave about him at that point!

i think it is because his brother used to get attention this way, so he'd join in.

YANBU OP. eternal slight illness of varying kinds = a case of whingy pants. I bet if he hears about something on the radio, he comes down with it...

DH had gall bladder out. This has not cured his chronic hypochondria, sorry, his sore ankles, on-off flu, digestive problems, insomnia, headaches, exhaustion, "low blood sugar" or (latest one) sore wrist (!?)

He does genuinely have asthma and hay fever so with the whining about the real illnesses and the whining about the imaginary illnesses it does get a bit boring. Not sure that it's a man thing though- think that he just takes after my MIL who has produced a number of imaginary heart attacks, strokes, broken legs at moments when she feels she's not getting enought attention. Lovely woman, my MIL

My dh is exactly the same.

He never has time off work though, so obviously not too poorly!

The latest is sore ribs from wrestling with dcs at the weekend

Not sore enough for him to take analgesia though. Oh no. Just enough for him to whinge 24 fucking 7.

My parents are like that too. But they do go to the doctor (a lot). It's become a sort of retirement hobby, I think. There is always always something wrong with them.

I tend to tune it out as best I can but it's very depressing to hear about in detail all the blimmin time.

From your OP I was going to say you were BU. But from advice of someone on a thread weeks ago, I have actually properly read all other posts! and I say YANBU.

I have scoliosis, it's bad. Horrible. Constant pain. My DH and my dad help me alot, but if he cant help himself by seeing a physio or another doctor then he has forfeited (sp?) the right to complain!!

I scored a victory last night and managed to get DP to an osteopath (except I had to book the appt this morning ). He has been complaining for YEARS about back pain, shoulder pain, 'it's this mattress' (this is the 3rd mattress we have had in 3 years), neck pain, loss of feeling in upper arms, pins and needles...

Every time I say: there is nothing I can do, I'm not a doctor, or a chiropracter, or an osteopath. I can't help simply because you have told me about it.Professional attention is what you need otherwise we will be repeating this conversation until we both die of boredom.

It has finally worked.

OMG - My Dh is just like you describe. It's so irritating (and no he doesn't actually have any medical complaint). It's never the same thing that would point to an actual treatment. It's always just headachy/run down/sore-something etc etc. And no, he doesn't do anything to help himself. If I see blood/vomit then I sympathise but no not for hypochondria.

YANBU, I can imagine it must get wearing very quickly. Keep a record for a month and then show it to him, would be interesting for you to see what he says and then maybe arrange an Doctor's appointment if it's actually neccessary?

My Dp currently has a "cyst" (ulcer possibly) in his mouth. He always has a bad back, neck, head or something. Colds are flu or he once asked me if I thought he had Glandular fever when he had the sniffles. Grr fecks me off.