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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to put my DD in Nursery?

39 replies

PiscesLondon · 15/06/2010 21:18

i'm a student, only studying 1 day per week atm, but from september i will be studying 3 days per week (5hrs per day) the course i'm going on is a wonderful course and will enable me to earn a good wage once i've gained my qualifications... i qualify for some nursery funding as my OH is self employed and his earnings are less than x amount.

MIL is retiring in july and wants my DD a couple of the days that i am studying. my mum's days in work differ every week but she has offered to have DD if it's her day off and i am studying. my aunt has also offered to have DD one of the days i am studying.

their is a wonderful nursery over the road from me, fantastic reports from ofsted, good staff to child ratio and it has come highly recommended from a couple of mums that i go to playgroup with. the nursery have offered my DD a place and have given me the opportunity to start taking DD for an hour a week to see how she is and to give her a feel for it. when/if my DD attends the nursery in september she will have just turned 1.

it's convenient for me if DD goes to nursery as i don't have to rely on other people (although i'd only put her in 2 days per week, MIL could have her 1 day as she has her the 1 day i study now and wants it to continue)also it saves me having to travel to drop DD off and pick her up and also because i believe it may be good for DD to mix with the other children. my DD appears to be very sociable already, she is not a bit clingy and will happily play with the other babies in playgroup and not look around for me once!

i've had a few raised eyebrows from family members and MIL, especially my aunt who is outraged! she feels if i am lucky enough to have family to help then i should go for that option. i feel guilty that i want my DD to try the nursery, although i'm contradicting myself as at the same time i hate the thought of her being cared for by anyone that isn't myself or close family, but i genuinely believe it may be really good for DD.

AIBU to tell them all to shut up and try my DD in nursery? WWYD?

OP posts:
amothersplaceisinthewrong · 15/06/2010 21:22

I think you could take the nursery option and tell them that you are doing this because you still want them to have the special role of "grandma" or "aunty" which they might not have if they became a more full time childminder. You can ask them to babysite then if you want to go out in the venings.

WidowWadman · 15/06/2010 21:25

I personally think nursery is more beneficial for a chil than being looke after by relatives. If I compare all the activities my aughter gets to o with my niece watching Watership own for the umpteenth time while being looke after by my mum I think nursery wins han s own.

Sorry, my letter between "s" an "f" is broken.

TakeLovingChances · 15/06/2010 21:26

YANBU. You've thought about it long and hard and think your DD is ready for nursery.

On the other hand, your relations are also NBU for raising their eyebrows, because in their mind they are offering a fair thing by offering to look after DD when you're studying.

I'm in the same position. I'm on maternity leave from my uni course (took a full year off) and I'll be returning in Jan when DS is 11 months old. I've been looking at local nursery places cuz I'm thinking of placing him in nursery. Some people are a bit sniffy about it, but I'm still making up my mind....

At the end of the day, you can try your DD in nursery and see how she goes. You're just trying to do your best by her and also trying to learn for your future career.

Francagoestohollywood · 15/06/2010 21:26

I'd go for the nursery option too.

Firawla · 15/06/2010 21:27

Yanbu, its worth a try, your dd may like it
personally i think i would also want to try the nursery in your situation, tbh its not your aunts place to be so outraged.
it depends on somethings like what will the family members do with her? if they would take her out to groups and keep her entertained then it may be the best option really but if they just sit her @ home while they get on with housework then definitely nursery

ChuckBartowski · 15/06/2010 21:31

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hopalongdagger · 15/06/2010 21:33

I would go for the nursery option, partly because it seems to offer more consistency, whereas with your relatives it will sometimes be your mum, other times your mil or aunt, and they will all have slightly different ways of doing things.

I would also lean towards nursery in terms of the social aspect, and the activities, but it depends on your family. If relatives looked after your DD would it be days planned around her or would she be with them while they got on with their normal routine?

My DD started nursery 3 days a week at 13 months, so very similar age, and she's now 22 months- she absolutely loves it, has settled right in and I'm convinced that it's been a really good thing for her. So if you think it would be a good thing, I'd definitely say to give it a try.

Original poster
PiscesLondon · 15/06/2010 21:33

thanks for the replies so far.

my aunt nor my mum drive so DD would just be at home with them. MIL drives but isn't a really confident driver so wouldn't take her anywhere other than local. also because my mum doesn't work set days it would mean alot of juggling around on my behalf. also MIL loves going on holiday so if she takes care of DD more than one day a week it makes things difficult when she jets off. nursery just seems like the less stressful option, but also i do genuinely feel it may be the best option for my DD.

i do worry though that my DD is too young at the age of 1, for example she won't be able to tell me if she's upset or doesn't enjoy nursery. bloody hell this parenting lark has got me racked with guilt! it's like you can't do right for doing wrong!

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 15/06/2010 21:35

Nursery.

And it will keep you free of obligation to your relatives too. That always muddies the waters if you're dependent on them. Avoid that at all costs.

Just tell them you think your dd would thrive on being with other kids and that she's now got the best of both worlds. They want her to have the best, don't they?

DianeAdores · 15/06/2010 21:38

Oh dear, I fear a flaming for this, but hey ho. I'd go for the grandparents option. I think one-year-olds, however sociable they are, benefit most from being cared for on a one-to-one basis by someone who loves them. Nursery workers can be kind, fond, caring, delightful people - but children of that age need total security and the kind of love that being looked after by a family member can give her. I know there are lots of families where children might be better off in nursery, but yours doesn't sound like one of them, Pisces.

Having looked after my children on my own until they started school at five, I'd say you were extremely lucky to have family who are willing and able to help - and I'd snap up the offer. You can always try the nursery option later, once your DD is a bit older and less in need of quite such intensive adult attention. Unless I had to, I wouldn't put any child under two in nursery myself.

Vallhala · 15/06/2010 21:39

Nursery, without a doubt. Not least because your DD will have dedicated days and times there. Imagine the chaos if you were in the middle of a thesis, relying on family's help and then they suddenly announced they were ill/going on holiday? Not funny.

Wonderstuff · 15/06/2010 21:41

YANBU - I have my dd in nursery 2 days and with mil one day - it has been the perfect solution - my dd like yours was v. sociable, I had her in from 10months and she has always loved it, she is now 2.5 and is asking when she can go to nursery on mummy days! As MIL has her one day they have a fab relationship, recently mil and fil have been a bit poorly and there have been a few days when I have had to find alternative childcare, we've made it work, but I am so glad that I am not reliant on them for all her care - it would be a burden and as they age there may well be a time when they are no longer able to do what they are doing and that will be really hard all round.

Having said all that there is some research to say that under 3's are less stressed when being cared for in a family setting - my daughter has always seemed happy, during settling in visits - for a while earlier this year I was ill and we moved house and dd did get clingy for the first time not wanting to leave me. Was a traumatic few weeks but made me confident that when she was stressed she let me know.

Do what is best for you and your dd - not what your relatives think.

Francagoestohollywood · 15/06/2010 21:44

How old are your parents/mil?
My mother/inlaws etc are doting grandparents (and very present in my dc's life) but wouldn't have had the stamina to look after an active toddler on a regular basis, all day etc.

A good nursery will be very open with you on how the child is settling in.

Wonderstuff · 15/06/2010 21:48

Sorry didn't finish a sentence there - during settling in visits she didn't give me a backward glance - just went off, when I pick her up she often runs away from me, not wanting to go home.

greenbananas · 15/06/2010 21:50

Have you read a book by Steve Biddulp called Raising Babies? It basically recommends that children under 3 don't go to nursery, for lots of different reasons - e.g. they need the one-to-one attention of an adult who really loves them. However, only you know what is best for your DD and, although I don't want to send my own DS, I know some children really do thrive in a nursery environment. If, having tried it for a short while, you find it isn't working, you could always eat humble pie and ask the relatives after all.

IMoveTheStars · 15/06/2010 21:54

I would definitely do the nursery option. Relying on that many people for your childcare is complicated, and if there is any illness then you'll have to miss your course.

MIL looks after DS 1 day a week, and he's at nursery for the other. Perfect for us as she's immensely flexible, and loves the set up. She's never ill either
Nursery are brilliant too,and he's coming on so well there (2.5 now) he loves it.

fishie · 15/06/2010 21:57

i agree with diane. ds has had increasing amounts of time since 12m with a cm and our families are very close. i would have jumped at a family member caring instead though.

i have never used a nursery so in one way am not qualified to comment. but i don't believe they are the best place for very young children to spend extended period of time.

ChuckBartowski · 15/06/2010 22:02

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Francagoestohollywood · 15/06/2010 22:07

Lets not forget that Pisces said that she is thinking to send dd to nursery twice a week. It's not that much. If indeed she likes nursery, she'll have two days of nursery where she does nursery stuff, one day with a grandmother, 4 days with her mum.
It looks like a good set up to me.

Original poster
PiscesLondon · 15/06/2010 22:09

francagoestohollywood - my mum is only 48, MIL is 61 and aunt is 65 (but ridiculously strong and fit!)

i guess the overprotective side of me is coming out, but i just know i'll cry my eyes out leaving her at nursery in the beginning, but the way i see it is it has to happen sometime? they go to nursery at 3 anyway. if my DD seems to like nursery and settles well then nursery would certainly be the ideal solution, just dreading it if she doesn't like it and i had the option to leave her with family.

OP posts:
Original poster
PiscesLondon · 15/06/2010 22:10

franca - yes it would be twice a week for 5 hours each day.

OP posts:
megapixels · 15/06/2010 22:11

For me it would be the family option without a doubt. Especially since the child is only 1, still just a baby.

OutrageousFlavourLikeFreesias · 15/06/2010 22:17

Every kind of childcare has its pros and cons. If the option you and your partner are most comfortable with is nursery, then nursery is the best option for your child, and your situation.

However, when explaining your plans to your relatives, I think it's important to be sensitive to just how generous their offer is. YANBU to decline it, but I'd try and be aware of the magnitude of what they're offering.

Best of luck with the studying and hope it all goes well!

Francagoestohollywood · 15/06/2010 22:22

Oh your mother is 20 yrs younger than mine

I agree with Outrageous post.

LaaDeDa · 15/06/2010 22:23

I would say definitely nursery.
It's all very well for your mil/mum/aunt saying they want to look after your daughter regularly but they may have totally forgotten what it's like to be running around after a toddler and may not enjoy her as much as they think when it is a weekly occurance.

Imo it will be far better to have your mil carry on with her one day that she enjoys and copes well with and then use nursery for two. If your mil goes on holiday or your daughter is ill and cannot attend nursery then you still have two back-up options in the shape of your mum and aunt.

Both my children have attended nursery (dd from 9 months and ds from 7 months) and both settled very well. My mil talked the talk about looking after them both on set days but once we'd gotten started quickly backtracked and left me in the lurch somewhat. She now does one after school pick up for my daughter and gets my son at the same time and it feels to her like a treat to see them not a chore.

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