Mother in intensive care - I feel cross and frustrated. Crap, I know...

[ChocDee]

My mother is in intensive care after having had an acute asthma attack and almost dying because of it.

She lives in Sweden, I live in Belgium and my sister is in the UK.

I have a very unemotional relationship (I can honestly say that I have no maternal feelings towards her at all) with her with very little actual contact due to what has happened in the past and physical distance I guess. My sister has more or less cut all contact due to her own reasons - and my mother makes NO effort either.

My mother has engineered her life in such a way that she is now TOTALLY isolated. She recently moved far away from where she used to be (and where we grew up) once she retired. I had her over at X-mas and she wittered on that she was loving not knowing a single soul where she was.

So now she is in intensive care - with only t-shirt and knickers and there is NO ONE that woulld be able to bring her any clothes for when she returns home.

I feel frustrated and feel that she is not helping herself here (she is in her 60's).
She lives in cloud cookooo land.

A couple of years ago I went over and brought in 5 men to help clear her flat. 70 large bin bags of rubbish were removed (this included a LOT of rotting food from the floors etc)and we did not even scratch the surface of the pig sty.

The dust was an inch thick in places - including her bedroom. Bearing in mind that her bedroom was piled up with binbags all covered in dust there is no bloody wonder that she has developed asthma.

I was hoping that the move would give her a fresh start and I spoke to her about getting a regular cleaner in to help (she suffers from general ill health as well) etc, and she of course agreed.

Has she done that? NOOOOO! I asked her whether she has been hoovering the new flat. Nope. Not once since she moved in over a year ago - and she still has not unpacked of course. And her car is still stuffed with stuff from the final move 6 months ago. In her wisdom she has gone and bought a flat on the third floor without a lift. AAARRRGGHHH

So now I am looking into flights to get over there - as is my sister. We will try and sort the flat (but is it bloody pointless??) so that she can go home. I very much doubt that the hospital would be willing to release her into an empty flat that is no doubt absolutely disgustingly filthy.

Sorry about the rant. But what the hell can I do?? Neither my sister or I are nearby. She has absolutely NO friends. She has willingly isolated herself throughout the years and is totally estranged form her own sister and more or less from her own daughters as well.

I do not have any daughterly feelings towards her whatsoever. I am just doing this because there is no one else. It scares me a bit that I feel so bloody detached.

So... I go over there this week. But that's not the end of it is it?? What do I say to her? What do I say to the doctors? Is this final proof that she is not actually able to care for herself even though she held down a very responsible job with accolades galore up until she retired less than a year ago??

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHH!

Anyone out there with any experience of this? I know she is my mother, and I am sorry that I do not feel it...

That's very sad. Can you speak to the hospital social workers and explain the situation? Would she consider a warden controlled flat do you think? Is it possible that she is depressed/has low self esteem since her retirement and consequently not cleaning?

Yes, I think it is time perhaps that I blew the whistle on her...

She has ALWAYS been messy. I was never able to bring friends home when I was a child. But now that she has isolated herself so utterly it is beyond control.

When we were children she would move froom room to room as they got increasingly disgusting. Now she has just moved into a new home. She still has not sold her old one so I dread to think what state it is in...

I have just spoken to her - turns out it was a heart attack instead. If she had called for an ambulance 5 minutes later she would have been a goner.

She now says that yes she wants us to fly over so that someone can get her some clothes from home.

Yes, I know that she is depressed. My sister knows that she is depressed. She has royally and almost willfully fucked up her life - but she says that that is just the way it is and she refuses to even contemplate ADs.

In fact she has been avoiding doctors and self medicating.

AARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Yes you are right. Perhaps it is time to start asking serious questions regarding having her mental health properly assessed.

I have no idea of how it works in Sweden though as I left the country when I was 16 and never looked back...

You have my sympathies. It is not easy having a parent with mental health issues. I really think you have to be honest with her doctor, and get the ball rolling with regard to some kind of social intervention. She is clearly not looking after herself.

I missed the part about her being in Sweden and read it as your sister being there. I am sure that the social support/services work in roughly the same way. DD has a friend whose mum is Swedish, if you don't get any joy, give me a big fat shout out and I'll ask her if she knows.
Good luck.

Thank you so very much for the kind offer kreecher.

I still have one friend back in Sweden so I will be able to ask her some questions as well.

Maybe it is time to realise that she actually needs professional help rather than just letting her get on with it making her own choices. We can no longer just put it down to her being just plain weird. It has gone beyond that now...

Going out for a little while now - but I do really appreciate the support guys! Thank you!

Not judging you ChocDee - my mum draws back if I try to hug her. Always has, since I was little (48 and still trying!).
Sounds like depression to me, perhaps exacerbated by a little dementia? And maybe failing eyesight; also my gran lost her sense of smell - this could make her even more oblivious to the state of her flat.
I think she needs help now, but she may not be ready to acknowledge it. All the best.

No advice, but it sounds incredibly difficult for you x

I wish that I could put it down to failing eye sight and lack of sense of smell...

But unfortunately no... her old 5 bedroomed flat (fully paid and funded by her now dead parents) was beyond disgusting - worse than anything that Kim and Aggie has dealt with no contest!

So basically she has an immense hoarding compulsion thingie - when she ran out of clean plates she simply went out and bought more and piled them on top of the old dirty ones. Once she realised that that was getting a bit silly she started with paper plates (never thrown away of course) and when then that got too much she had one small plate that she would wash intermittantly and one coffee cup. Bleurgh

She had a tray of old crayfish shells in the kitchen that had been left in their juices but had been there for so long that they had stopped smelling.

When I tried to clear a place to sit down on the disgusting sofa I found an half empty ice cream tub underneath all the other junk that she happily told me must have been there for at least a year....

So there you have it. It's not normal and it has never been normal. But my English family have always said 'oh well, that is the way she is and it has to be her choice' etc etc. But it has gone beyond that now.

I am loath to call it dementia as well. But then I have no doctor's degree, so the hell am I to say...

What the hell are we going to do long term though?

It is really beginning to get to me now it has sunk in...

Sounds like my mum. She is very much like that. If anything happened to my dad, she would just sink into her sh**thole of a house.
Maybe it would be best for the OP's mum to go into the care of the state as she clearly can't manage alone

It definitely sounds like Mental Health problems, and probably dementia.

I do feel for you. I don't have a very close relationship with my mum either, and she is also something of a hoarder, though nothing on the scale of your mum.

At least she is in hospital now and you can insist on getting her properly assessed.

Compulsive hoarding is a recognised mental disorder. It is uncertain whether it should be classed as a disorder in its own right as it also has links to OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder).

I would talk to the professionals involved in her care at some length and then leave her to them. That sounds harsh and it probably is but this lady has never wanted your help, As for your own self, you are only responsible for you - not her in any way shape or form. Do not become her carer. She made a long series of poor choices here for which you were in no way responsible.

Attila - I could kiss you right now!!!!

Absolutely I recognise it could be OCD - she kicked up a fuss in a cafe once because her cake had a tiny piece missing so she was concerned about germs (a mouse she said). WHAT????

This sounds an awful situation for you. I just wonder if your mum might be siffering from
Diogenes syndrome? here

Suffering; keyboard malfunction

Huge sympathies. My MIL is just the same - you can barely get in the front door with stepping over several carrier bags of crap and every room is piled high with junk. She is disabled and cannot go upstairs yet gets delivery men to store things up there so even the bedrooms are full of shite.
She insists there is nothing wrong wit her and will not contemplate any assistance at all, least of all a cleaner, gardener, meals on wheels, nothing.
She is paranoid that people are out to steal from her or take her things away.
Sounds terrible, but we go out of duty - she is not a nice person to be around.
It's an impossible situation but you just have to do what you can to vaguely respect their wishes.
I hope she recovers, and I hope her illness makes her re-evaluate her life, but I doubt it will.

The last 2 lines being towards you there OP, sorry should have made that clearer.

Now the 'Diogenes syndrome' label looks like a perfect fit doesn't it?

I have spoken to my Swedish friend and she is going to ask around a bit about how the system works over there.

And no, like Stressheaderic; I do not think that this will help her to re-evaluate anything.

She has already lost two children and one grand child who she claims to love very very much - she never changes. Total apathy I guess. " am a victim. This is what Life is like. There is absolutely nothing I can do".

i remember when I was 16 and had to leave home how she was boasting to people how lovely it was to finally be on her own. A year later I left the country. She said that she had thought I might do that - but did she TRY at all to make it not happen. Nope!

Thank flip she didn't though!!!

Sounds very difficult. I have a very difficult relationship with my mum who is bipolar and will not take any responsibility for the shit she put me though as a child. She is much better these days, but still very alternative and unpredictable.

Remember she is NOT your responsibility. Do what you want to do to help her, but do not feel duty bound or obligated.

Oh and now it gets worse1

My sister has spoken to her (great!).

She has indeed not put her old apartment up for sale after a full year despite her taking out a bridging loan. It is still full of crap 'because it has been too cold this winter to do it'. She has also been paying rent for two storage units for the year that are EMPTY waiting for her to fill them up with more crap.

She has taken out further loans in order to survive as she is seriously short on cash every month as her pension does not cover all the rentals etc.

BUT... She has said she wants to speak to a councellor as she has finally recognised that perhaps she is not coping.

I do not want, nor am I able to financially support her. She has been an adult, earning a good wage living on her own in a flat fully paid for by her elderly parents (including all bills) for almost 20 years. She also had a very small food bill as she would eat a cooked lunch at work every day.

She inherited a good amount of money from her parents when they died about 5 years ago (though she got shafted for a lot of money by her sister. But she was happy to roll over).

She chose to spend all her money on crap.

And now she has no money...

Bleurgh...

Sympathies, my mum spent the retirement nest egg on rubbish. Over £40,000 buying from those shopping channels.
Dad did not notice in time as she managed to do it in about 6 weeks when she was in a 'manic' state (she is bi-polar).
Half of it could not be sent back as my mum got the receipts and invoices and burned them as soon as they arrived.
She did not want him to send them back
My dad, now five years later, is slowly going through the pile and selling it on Ebay.

Wow Ripeberry, how awful for you and your family!! It is hard to stay sympathetic and understanding when other people are so badly affected isn't it?

I really do not know what we will be facing once we are over there. She has told me that we will just have to ignore the 'gross' stuff in her flat since it is what it is. Sigh...

Oh well, it is most definately NOT going to be as bad as last time!
Last time both her toilets had packed up 6 months previously and because of the mess she was too embarrased to get anyone in to fix it. There was a falling mountain of used toilet tissue next to the bog...

The thing is - she does not come across as a woman with mental health problems, doolally yes but no worse than that...

Wish me luck - we are flying over on Friday morning!!

You poor thing, keep us posted

ChocDee how hard for you.

I am just wondering whether in fact going and clearing out her flat is helping her, or just perpetuating the situation? I wonder if the powers that be need to see how bad things are in order to swing into action and help her.... please ignore me if that's not helpful, I think you're lovely to want to go at all, just don't want you taking on the whole burden.