Mother in intensive care - I feel cross and frustrated. Crap, I know...

[ChocDee]

My mother is in intensive care after having had an acute asthma attack and almost dying because of it.

She lives in Sweden, I live in Belgium and my sister is in the UK.

I have a very unemotional relationship (I can honestly say that I have no maternal feelings towards her at all) with her with very little actual contact due to what has happened in the past and physical distance I guess. My sister has more or less cut all contact due to her own reasons - and my mother makes NO effort either.

My mother has engineered her life in such a way that she is now TOTALLY isolated. She recently moved far away from where she used to be (and where we grew up) once she retired. I had her over at X-mas and she wittered on that she was loving not knowing a single soul where she was.

So now she is in intensive care - with only t-shirt and knickers and there is NO ONE that woulld be able to bring her any clothes for when she returns home.

I feel frustrated and feel that she is not helping herself here (she is in her 60's).
She lives in cloud cookooo land.

A couple of years ago I went over and brought in 5 men to help clear her flat. 70 large bin bags of rubbish were removed (this included a LOT of rotting food from the floors etc)and we did not even scratch the surface of the pig sty.

The dust was an inch thick in places - including her bedroom. Bearing in mind that her bedroom was piled up with binbags all covered in dust there is no bloody wonder that she has developed asthma.

I was hoping that the move would give her a fresh start and I spoke to her about getting a regular cleaner in to help (she suffers from general ill health as well) etc, and she of course agreed.

Has she done that? NOOOOO! I asked her whether she has been hoovering the new flat. Nope. Not once since she moved in over a year ago - and she still has not unpacked of course. And her car is still stuffed with stuff from the final move 6 months ago. In her wisdom she has gone and bought a flat on the third floor without a lift. AAARRRGGHHH

So now I am looking into flights to get over there - as is my sister. We will try and sort the flat (but is it bloody pointless??) so that she can go home. I very much doubt that the hospital would be willing to release her into an empty flat that is no doubt absolutely disgustingly filthy.

Sorry about the rant. But what the hell can I do?? Neither my sister or I are nearby. She has absolutely NO friends. She has willingly isolated herself throughout the years and is totally estranged form her own sister and more or less from her own daughters as well.

I do not have any daughterly feelings towards her whatsoever. I am just doing this because there is no one else. It scares me a bit that I feel so bloody detached.

So... I go over there this week. But that's not the end of it is it?? What do I say to her? What do I say to the doctors? Is this final proof that she is not actually able to care for herself even though she held down a very responsible job with accolades galore up until she retired less than a year ago??

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHH!

Anyone out there with any experience of this? I know she is my mother, and I am sorry that I do not feel it...

OMG she certainly has mental health problems. Perhaps you most suportive option might be to engage local support services and health care professionals so that she has some help over in Sweden?

Perhaps you may be able to help her sell her old apartment?

Maybe she would change a lot if she starts taking meds and your relationship may improve.

I know what you mean about whether clearing the flat yet again would actually help. It will just go straight back to her 'normal' again.

We will be taking a camera so will document it before we do anything. In fact, thinking about it I have some photographs lurking somewhere that I took after the last time. I will dig them out.

It does feel rather back stabbing though so it will be hard to actually go through with it. But my sister is a much tougher cookie than me so the whole thing is probably out of my hands.

My mother did sound a little bit daunted that she was coming as well as they haven't actually spoken since my wedding 5 years ago apart from the obligatory X-mas call.

Bleurgh... I bloody well left Sweden for a reason - and the reason certainly still stands! The whole side of that family are maaaaaaaaaaaad!

I will most definately keep you updated. I will no doubt need to vent, and perhaps real concern and angst for her health will kick in as well...

chocdee, when your parent gets to the stage where they can no longer look after themselves, then you have to take on the role of overseeing them being parented, IYSWIM.

The hospital can help (I'm assuming your Swedish is good?). Get a social worker appointed ASAP and make it clear that your mum cannot go home. They should inspect her house as part of their job.

Ask for a psychogeriatric assessment.

then make sure that the psychogeriatrician, the cardiologist, nurses and social worker have a Multidisciplinary team review.

Your mum will probably then be advised to go into care. Awfully sad (been there with FIL).

Your mum needs speicalist care if she has dementia - there is no way you should feel guilty because you don't want to do this. You wouldn't be expected to carry out complex nursing for a medical condition and demntia is no different.

You and your sister will need to get legal control of your mum's affairs.

Get the ball rolling now.

She is not your responsibility - she is a person who has to lead her own life, whatever she choses that to be. You earn the right to support and love from your family, it is not a God given right.

Mum was bi-polar and i lived my whole childhood unable to invite friends back because of the tip we lived in. This complete lack of interest in her living environment continued until my mum took her own life 3 years ago.

I did all I could to help her, but realised a long time ago that I could only really help her in a very vague 'I love you' sort of way. Anything practical she saw as critisism and it was me 'being fussy'.....

Focus on you and your family....

Good luck.

Swarski, I truly understand, I spent my whole life worrying about my mum 'harming herself', she tried several times, cutting wrists, trying to hang herself.
She even tried it when I finally thought it was 'safe' to invite a friend over for a sleepover, I was only 12yrs old at the time.
Have never forgiven her for it.
Also, I had to go to the shops to get her cigarettes and wine, when I was only 7yrs old back in the 70s.
So glad when we came back to the UK and they had age restrictions on who could buy tabaco and alcohol.
Now she has dementia and sits in her own mess (literaly), she is scared of dying!
To me, she is dead already and it makes me quite angry as my lovely MIL who was a good grandmother to her two grandaughters, died suddenly back in May after having treatment for cancer.
Life is so unfair , sorry that has started me crying again.

Good luck for Friday Chocdee.

Oh Ripeberry, I really feel for you, I really do. It must hurt so much and make you so angry...

We have now contacted my mother's estranged sister and told her on a "we thought you should know' basis. Neither of the old loons will thank us for that is my guess.

We have also written to her one and only friend that she worked with (she has always gone through cycles of sometimes having one friend who she eventually decides is stupid and then walks away from). We have had LOTS of replies back from her describing my mother as 'golden', 'extra mother' etc etc and asking us to call on her for help. Just a shame that my mother chose to move so far away eh! The one and only person in the world who actually admires and 'loves' her...

It will be interesting to hear what the doctor's have to say about her mental health once we raise our 'concerns'. There are so many 'labels' that fit her - but at the same time I feel that it is somehow not the right fit. She has ALWAYS been like this - so dementia or senility does not sound right.
'Compulsive hoarding' and OCD yes but no - it is simply that she she does not like cleaning and she does not give a shit.

But severe depression. Oh yes. Definately. No doubt in my mind!!

Oh, and doolalliness and stupidity. That fits as well...

Oh dear, I am tying myself up in knots here. With just having had a heart attack she does not need added stress. By blowing the whistle on her it WILL cause stress for her. She will feel backstabbed, hurt, embarrassed etc etc. But it has to be done.

I just wish it was just a case of an estranged relationship and us heading over to just give her support to get physically better.

I bloody well hate Sweden and rue the day that that became a part of my gene pool...