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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask her to have a word with her dd?

53 replies

booyhoo · 14/06/2010 21:20

OH's family and i dot get on. for OH's and the dcs' sake i am polite to his mum whenever she collects the boys. none of the rest of the family talk to me and i am happy with that. but his 15 year old sister is really getting to me. sometimes she is in the car when MIL collects dses and she has started giving dirty looks and eyeballing me whenever i come to the door. it is never when OH is there and only when her mum's back is turned. i have tried really hard in the past couple of years to put all bad feelings aside and be civil but everytime this happens it stirs it all up again when all i want to do is wave off my dcs and tell them to have a good time. this girl hasn't spoken to me since she was 10 so was really a child when all the crap happened. i can only assume she has been told one side of the story and is expressing her opinion in the only way she can. i know she is a teenager and it is ridiculous that it is irritating me this much but it happened again today and it took all my strength not to say something. i'm not going to say anything to OH because we decided long ago that we wont put him in the middle of all this. would it be unreasonable to ask MIL to have a word with her?

OP posts:
Plumm · 14/06/2010 21:23

What happened when she was 10?

Original poster
booyhoo · 14/06/2010 21:25

OH and i split up and it was rough for a while. not with me and him but with his family. court cases violent threats etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
booyhoo · 14/06/2010 22:41

bump, anyone think i should speak to MIL?

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 14/06/2010 22:47

If her mother is nearby when she gives you a daggers look, could you say for example, "oooooh if looks could kill, what can I have done to deserve that?" in an amused and cheerful voice? Or just take MIL aside and ask if you have upset her dd in any way.

Tough one! Ideally I would say get dh to sort it out which is what I tend to do if the ILs are playing up. Would it make things really awkward for him if he did?

Fluffyone · 14/06/2010 22:48

I think you should speak to DH. It doesn't matter if it makes things awkward for him, he's in a better position to deal with it than you are.

NarkyPuffin · 14/06/2010 22:55

I'd be annoyed too, but is it really worth creating friction with your MIL over, especially as it sounds like she's the only one who can do the handover of your dcs?

She's a still a child. I'd just start doing big exaggerated waves at her in the car and shouting ," Hi x ."Be cheerful and pleasant. You'll show her that her moody pouting hasn't even touched you.

Original poster
booyhoo · 14/06/2010 22:55

it would really put OH in an awkward situation if i asked him to deal with it. he would absolutely take my side but i know how his family play on him. he wouldn't hear the true way of things if he brought it up with them and i dont want him to be stuck in the middle. we have done things that way before and it was really awful for both of us. that was why we decided that if i had problems with his family, then i would deal with them myself and tbh i feel better doing that because the there is no room for them to manipulate him and start their character assinations of me. at least if i deal with it, i take the crap in the face.

i am just thinking of saying something like " i thought we had put everything behind us, i dont want anymore ill-feeling. could you ask X to stop the dirty looks if she has to be here when you collect he dses?"

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 14/06/2010 23:01

Do you want her anywhere near your ds's; who knows what she is dripping in their ears? Why do they have to go to your OH's family anyway without you?

Original poster
booyhoo · 14/06/2010 23:01

contact order

OP posts:
Original poster
booyhoo · 14/06/2010 23:02

believe me, if it was my choice they wouldn't be there.

OP posts:
QualityTime · 14/06/2010 23:04

TBH she sounds like a stroppy teenager jealous of her brother's OH to me.
I woudln't speak with MIL as it is fairly likely her attitude is coming from someone else talking to her about you...and the likeliest culprit is your MIL.

LoveBeing34 · 14/06/2010 23:05

I think you'd becrackers torisk kicking it all off again cause of a 15 year old. She might even be doing it to her mum for making her go!

Original poster
booyhoo · 14/06/2010 23:09

you're probably right. i know it is just teenage behaviour but it is really getting to me now everytime they are due to go for contact i am building myself up for having to see her and 'ignore' her. it is so stupid, i am a grown woman and a 15 year old is trying to intimidate me in my own home. i just thought that saying to her mum might embarrass her and make her realise that she cant get away with everything. i know MIL wants to keep things civil but i dont know how far this stretches to. not sure if criticizing her precious dd is a step too far.

OP posts:
QualityTime · 14/06/2010 23:09

If this happened when she was 10 she wasn't really odl enough to properly understand all the ins and outs, ignore as best you can and hopefully when she is older an wants to come and spend time with DC@s on ehr own you can tell her in person so knock of the attitude.
I do feel for you though, she sounds like a princess.

Original poster
booyhoo · 14/06/2010 23:11

lovebeing it is definitely aimed at me. she will turn round in the car as they drive away to do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
booyhoo · 14/06/2010 23:12

thankfully she doesn't seem to like my dcs so hopefully she wont want to spend anytime with them in the future. MIL is the only one who seems interested in them. which of course is fine by me.

OP posts:
OnEdge · 14/06/2010 23:46

next time, blow her a kiss, it will really piss her off.

Original poster
booyhoo · 14/06/2010 23:53

i dont particularly want to prolong it or piss her off. i just want to be able to go to my front door without a child throwing daggers at me.

OP posts:
kreecherlivesupstairs · 15/06/2010 08:21

Have a t.shirt printed with Fuck off and grow up (name). Flash it at her everytimes she disses you.

monkeysmum79 · 15/06/2010 08:37

She's 15, really as much as it irritates, rise above it. If you spoke to your MIL she would probably think you were stirring it anyway. (When she does it again just give her a pleasant little wave and a smile. She'll soon get bored. either that or you could rag her out the car and give her a god almighty bitch slap lol.)
No really just wave and smile and don't let it bother you, she's just a kid who claerly can't form opinions of her own and has to piggyback on someone elses outdated one! Maybe she's premenstrual or something!

MintHumbug · 15/06/2010 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StarExpat · 15/06/2010 09:01

How often do you have to see her?

pagwatch · 15/06/2010 09:06

She is 15.She is a child. Children act up out of hurt, anger, frustration etc etc.
I remember being 15 and the ability to put difficult times behind me is not a talent I recall with any great clarity. I do recall a great desire for any type of drama.

I would be preparing for her visits by muttering 'I am the adult, I am the adult'

The only way you win inthis situation is by ignoring her. Any quiet words etc will just increase her desire to be the eye ofthe storm.

Seriously . Let it go.
You have children. As the mother of a 17 year old I say try and make use of the practice.....

pagwatch · 15/06/2010 09:08

Oh good grief Mint is so right..
The indignity of 'no I didn't, yes you did...' with a 15 year old girl

scaryteacher · 15/06/2010 09:19

If you are with OH, then why is there a need for a contact order for his family? My ds sees my pils as and when I decide it is convenient and only if we happen to be in the same country. Is there any way the contact order could be reversed as you are back (presumably you split up) with OH and he has parental contact?