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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask her to have a word with her dd?

53 replies

booyhoo · 14/06/2010 21:20

OH's family and i dot get on. for OH's and the dcs' sake i am polite to his mum whenever she collects the boys. none of the rest of the family talk to me and i am happy with that. but his 15 year old sister is really getting to me. sometimes she is in the car when MIL collects dses and she has started giving dirty looks and eyeballing me whenever i come to the door. it is never when OH is there and only when her mum's back is turned. i have tried really hard in the past couple of years to put all bad feelings aside and be civil but everytime this happens it stirs it all up again when all i want to do is wave off my dcs and tell them to have a good time. this girl hasn't spoken to me since she was 10 so was really a child when all the crap happened. i can only assume she has been told one side of the story and is expressing her opinion in the only way she can. i know she is a teenager and it is ridiculous that it is irritating me this much but it happened again today and it took all my strength not to say something. i'm not going to say anything to OH because we decided long ago that we wont put him in the middle of all this. would it be unreasonable to ask MIL to have a word with her?

OP posts:
Original poster
booyhoo · 15/06/2010 12:20

the order was put in place when we were separated. OH is in the navy so wasn't able to have contact himself meaning MIL didn't get to see ds1. we got back together and had ds2 and i agreed that she could see ds2 as things had been fine so far with ds1. even if we reversed the contact order she would still have to come and collect them as OH is away and i certainly wouldn't be going out of my way to bring them to her. we talked about ending it a few months ago but OH wasn't happy with that because he can be away for months at a time and he wants the boys to have regular visits. she has them weekly.

i think you are all right, i dont want to get into a stupid row with a 15 year old just because she is feeling sulky and i am the target right now. i wont be waving or smiling though. i just wont even look near her.

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 15/06/2010 12:29

Tell OH to grow a pair. My dh is in the RN, and used to be away frequently. We lived in Cornwall, mil and pil in Hants. They saw ds when either they came down to stay, or if I took ds up to see them. Same for my mum. Weekly visits were not on the cards due to busy lifestyles all around.

Weekly visits to grandparents are nice but not a necessity. What if he gets a married accompanied overseas to SHAPE or NATO? Will he insist on weekly visits then?

Original poster
booyhoo · 15/06/2010 12:34

oh we have had the rows til we are blue in the face. i have said time and time again that grandparents really dont need to have that much of an input into a child's life. his argument is that because i visit my mum once a week then the boys should see his mum as often. we really have been through the mill over it and for the time being, while everything is going ok it is easier for the sake of our relationship to let them go.

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 15/06/2010 12:35

I meant to add, I would reconsider getting it reversed. Regular contact does not have to be weekly by any means; and when he goes off to sea it may not be convenient for you to have to facilitate this weekly contact. You may have things planned that you want to do with the boys.

I would not want my pils to have a legal document they could hold over my head with regards to my ds (and I get on well with my pils), especially when dh is away. Might be worth running it by the RN welfare team and seeing what you can do. As you and your OH are back together, why does it still need to be there? It would also give you the whip hand with dealing with your OH's family. They would have to be pleasant to you in order to see the boys.

scaryteacher · 15/06/2010 12:37

Glad my dh doesn't take that attitude; his parents still in Hants, my mum moved 10 minutes away from us when she retired. geographically, not possible for the same amount of access. Get a married accompanied, and all the problems are then on the other side of the channel. I can guarantee you it works!!!

Original poster
booyhoo · 15/06/2010 12:41

i dont want to leave my home, especially not just to get away from his family. this is our home, i have family all round me, my ds is starting school in sept, he has friends.

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 15/06/2010 12:47

I was the same but took the plunge and moved abroad after him being over here for 2 years; have been here 4 years and he now has another 3 years here. It's great; families are all at arms length; mum gets over two or three times a year for long stays during a mix of holidays and term time and it works. I was dubious having lived in our own home for almost 20 years, had career, and ds settled at prep, but I am so happy, as is ds and dh.

You aren't moving to get away from his family, but to be with him.

QualityTime · 15/06/2010 12:50

Bloody hell, I would love my DD's to see their grandparents (on both sides) weekly, as it is they have seen IL's once (for a long weekend) in 4 months and haven't seen my mum for about 3 months.
Sometimes circumstances dictate. It won't kill MIL not to see her GC once in a while!

GetOrfMoiLand · 15/06/2010 13:01

She is a 15 year old girl. probably thinks she is being all hard and tough and scaring you.

The worst thing you could do 9from your point of view) is to pay her any attention or give her the reaction she wants. Can you imagine the conversation:

you - have a work with her, she is giving me evils
her - no I aint
you - yes you are
her - NO I AINT MUUUUUUUUM tell' er

Whole new row to deal with.

Best thing you could do is act like the whole evil looks crap is highly amusing, just stifle a giffle and give her a smile.

Teenage girls give a lot of credence to evils. My 14 year old - 'sally gave me evils today, I gave her evils back, she won't do that again' blah de blah endless crap. Just ignire the silly girl.

Tombliboob · 15/06/2010 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Tortington · 15/06/2010 13:13

yes yes blow her a kiss

Tortington · 15/06/2010 13:13

show her your arse and fart on her face

weetabixwhiner · 15/06/2010 13:27

Ignore her, she is nothing in your life, but I would ask your dcs what she talks about to them, if she does speak! Ask them, what goes on when they have their visits.

Feelingsensitive · 15/06/2010 13:36

You are already in far from ideal situation with this family and anything that rocks the boat will not go in your favour. I would ignore it. Just smile and wave at her as though you havent noticed. Different if she actually says something but given she is just giving you looks it might make you look a bit bonkers if you confront her about it. She only has to deny it and then where does that leave you? Let it wash over you. SShe will look back on it later and realise what a prat she is being. I shudder at some of the things I said and did at that age

Feelingsensitive · 15/06/2010 13:38

Dont know anything about contact orders but scaryteachers advice at 12.35 sounds good about seeing whether it can be altered. Sounds to em as though they think they ahve you over a barrell.

Tortington · 15/06/2010 13:49

PUT A FART CUSHION under her seat. she will be mortified and you can laugh at her and say it was just a hamless joke

Original poster
booyhoo · 15/06/2010 18:26

good suggestions custardo

i used to ask ds1 (ds2 cant talk yet) what happened at nanny's and who all was there, what was said etc but i stopped all that because no1. ds got fed up answering questions everytime he got back and i dont want him to associate his visits with an interrogation or thinking he has to remember who said what. i want him to enjoy being there. also, it wasn't helping me move on by constantly expecting something to have happened.

i dont know how easy it would be to have a court order reversed even if we agreed to do it. i know MIL would never agree to it and i had a bloody hard job on my hands trying to prevent it happening in the first place. the fact that both boys have been going now and nothing has happened would be in her favour and i would really (in the eyes of the court)have no reason to stop the contact. they found it in ds's best interests to maintain regular contact. i really dont think it would get me anywhere other than a shitload of grief.

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 15/06/2010 18:46

But if you and OH are back together, there is therefore no need for the contact order. It is not for mil to decide anyhow, but the courts. I'd do some digging on the quiet.

Original poster
booyhoo · 15/06/2010 18:53

you are right, there is no need for the order. OH takes both boys to visit when he is home even if they have been for contact the day before. the order was granted to his parents, but i have spoken with OH about this several times suggesting we end teh contact order and that he continues to take the boys when he is home. his issue with this is that because he can be away for up to 9 months at a time it would mean the boys didn't see his parents for that length of time. i know the courts would not be happy about that because they place value on regular, consistent contact that is in the best interests of the child. i know ds would miss going for that length of time and at the end of the day, it is the boys i care about.

OP posts:
Gl4dys · 15/06/2010 19:31

Just because you don't have a contact order doesn't mean they couldn't go anyway when your OH is away

Gl4dys · 15/06/2010 19:31

Just because you don't have a contact order doesn't mean they couldn't go anyway when your OH is away

Gl4dys · 15/06/2010 19:33

Oops

Original poster
booyhoo · 15/06/2010 19:44

i know gl4dys, but they wouldn't agree to reverse the order. it would mean them giving up control and they wont do that. i would have to apply to the family court and i highly doubt they would reverse it.

OP posts:
Morloth · 15/06/2010 19:53

Meh, she is just a silly little girl, I wouldn't waste any time or thought or energy on it TBH.

Same as a toddler acting out to see what sort of reaction they get. Should be ignored in the same way such a tantrum is as well.

thesecondcoming · 15/06/2010 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.