to want to cry out cos my husband is such a c**k and just been rude and nasty to me, :-(

[XboxWidow30]

We just had a huge discussion. Resulting in him calling me pathetic, useless, I don't do anything, all his friends laugh at him because of me, I have had a free ride and an easy life cos of him, oh but get this;

He says he loves me!!!

I agree Gunther, with four kids and no life or confidence of her own it must be terrifying and he has manipulated that scenario. I would find it hard as an independant person to leave my partenr so god knows how she feels. Telling someone to get out isn't exactly easy when they are an abusive bully.

OP seek some real life people to discuss this with, who can help you in a practical fashion.

well no,its not that simple

i left my abusive ex with 4 dc in tow....but with alot of help and support. thats what the op needs to set up for hersel first.

and also,in her head she needs to leave too...to be walking round the house mentally planning what she will be taking and what items she'll be leaving.....its all got to be worked out in her head too

Yes all my conversations with my abusive ex used to end this way to.

The thought of actually having to be a proper husband and father and help out more round the house and with childcare was just so terrifying to him that he had to whatever it took to put me right back in my place (as I was inferior to him, how dare I be asking the man-god that HE was, for help?). So any discussion ended in abuse and accusations of being lazy, useless, all my friends think you are nutter, etc, etc, blah, blah. I too had an easy ride, if we ordered a take away he deserved the bigger portion because he was earning the money and so on and so on.

He didn't change. I ended it but it took a long time and he didn't go quietly. If I were your and remember that I was a year or so ago I would kick his arse right out the door. My biggest regret is not getting rid of my ex sooner.

Btw it is NOTHING to do with self-respect.

I was in exactly the same position as OP and my own mother said to me that "you put up with it because you are weak". It was horrific to hear and it didn't help it just made me feel even more useless and ground down and paralysed.

"He has gone out tonight and one of his leaving comments is that I need to change and sort myself out."

Well, maybe you should sort yourself out. Starting with kicking him out.

Your dh has a very warped sesnse of love. And, for all that, you do know, what is right and wrong and that you are worth more than this. Did you get married to live like this? Did you hell.
He may work, but, if you were not looking after the dc he wouldnt be able to-perhaps he needs reminding of this.
Do NOT justify to him or yourself how much housework you do-that comes 2nd to the well-being of your dc.
If hes sooo unhappy with the house, let him bloody well clean it.
You have choices to make, and there are organisations that will help in RL if you want to leave. No council will see you homeless with 4dc.
Think about what your dc are seeing and what example that is giving them. You are not respected and are not treated equally.
Whether you stay or leave, make it clear this situaution is untenable. Take Care.

It is impossible to have a clean and tidy house with 4 dc unless everybody helps out, endof.

You are understandably worn down by his put downs. You have little self confidence.

Think about your dc. How will your dc behave to their future spouses if they think your dh's behaviour is normal?

Your sons will mirror his behaviour to their wives, that is the real tragedy.

For their sakes, you need to draw up a plan. Have a meeting or email him, keep calm as if you are dealing with an unsatisfactory serviceman. List all the things he says and does you are not prepared to accept any more.

Tell him what you will and won't put up with. Give him some dates by which you want an improvement. Keep your emotions in check and tell him quietly exactly how his criticisms make you feel.

Then keep a record of what he says and does with dates. You can use it as evidence if necessary, but at this point the importance is for you to stay neutral when he is attacking you.

Even chatting it over with the domestic abuse team at the police station or even threatening this may help frighten him a bit to stop this dreadful emotional abuse.

If your efforts end in failure tell him you will be seeking advice because you are no longer prepared for your dc to witness you being treated so badly.

Please find the courage to end this abuse for your dc's sakes, not just your own.

if he doesn't keep to his

if you just walked out of the door it would be n act of stupidity. you have to assess your financial situation, entitledto.com, CAB, solicitor, internet research. get the facts. know where you are positioned legally, what you are entitled to.

make sure you have access to money. squirrel some away ( you should do this anyway) enough to give you a month to get benefits sorted, perhaps pay a rent deposit and get on your feet.

also - in the meantime - you need to build up your life.

so, he gets to go out one day a weekend - so do you - i dont give a flying rats arse if you get the bus to the cinema and watch alvin and the chipmunks - go. go to a friends, go to a relatives.

then look up a local college - do a class. one evening a week- again it matters not - i mean if you can make it work for you in terms of future career options great - however if not, then do japanese pottery or something - just get out of the house...the point of this is to make your own life, your own circle, your own intrest. to build your confidence, meet new people, gain new experiences, have a conversation with other adults, get some perspective on life.

remember, the only person that can make you happy...is you!

and ...i haven't got the childcare, dh would moan at having to look after the kids - its excuses and bollocks. IF you really want to do something, if you really want to achieve something - you abso- fucking - lutley make it happen come hell or high water.

i am doing an evening class at the moment, and i cant tell you how much i enoy it, the conversation, the use of my brain, meeting other people etc. its a tonic.

CUstardo: while I agree that the OP should arm herself with information re housing/finances/benefits, the trouble is with trying to get one evening a week for yourself when you have an abusive man for a partner is that he will either just fuck off leaving her with the kids so she can't do what she planned to do, or will cause trouble, maybe neglect or hurt the DC just to ram home the message that she's a servant and the childcare is her job. Midly selfish, thoughtless men can be improved by the tactic of going out and leaving them with the DC, but not abusers.

XBox, no his friends are not laughing at you. He is. Please arm yourself. Call women's aid and talk to them.

Your h is a cock. He thinks having one means he's king and you are merely someone who removes inconveniences from his life; inconveniences like the needs of HIS kids, the cleaning, the washing etc. He doesn't need to thank you or appreciate you because you're his SERVANT.

One guy I once knew said "WIFE - Washing, Ironing, Fucking Etcetera". Least funny joke I ever heard.

I would think he's got someone else and is trying to make you leave.

good grief...this thread is scary!!

seriously op,get the hell out of this!!! shock him to the core and take your life back,and leave!!

start planning it now....

Hello Xboxwidow - ok you're getting a lot of full on advice here and (having been there) I imagine it's a lot to take on board.

I have to agree with them all though and I'd say, do yourself a favour, find yourself a new name, your current name is reflection of his behaviour not what YOU are, and that would be a great first step to empowering yourself again.

You do have all the strength and all the ability to deal with this siutation - you must have because you've had the strength not to lamp the arse so far and to knuckle down for the sake of your DC.

But truly, trust me, life is sooooo much better when you don't have that constant drain on your emotional resources that you currently have.
Good luck

Thanks guys, just read through thread from all replies since last night.

We own our house but the mortgage is in his name so as much as I would like to kick him out, he won't go. I think my name is on the deeds and we are married. It would be ideal for me to stay here and he leave because of the children.

I have cancelled everything for today cos I feel like poop. Was meant to be going for coffee this afternoon with a friend and Tues night is my one night out but cancelled that too, can't get out of my head what he said last night.

My friend was knocking on the door earlier and I just ignored it.

Am off to take daughter to preschool soon and have a quiet afternoon.

FFS, go call your friends and reinvite them out...

You go about doing that, cancelling your life, cos of a bunch of lies he's spouted? He wins.

Bugger that for a game of soldiers!

How DARE he destroy your life for sport, cos that's what the comment was, just sport, to erode your confidence in yourself.

NO-ONE has the right to do that.

I guarantee, NO-ONE is talking about you behind your back, he only said that to bring you down... and by you cancelling your plans, he's bloody well done it hasn't he....

Agree with AF, kick his sorry arse out on to the drive and change the locks....

If you shut yourself away like this, you will end up depressed, which is (take it from me) a life threatening condition... is he worth THAT???

OOoh, I swear, your H has made my blood boil, the poisonous little worm....

I think that PosieParker has hit the nail on the head.

Get to a solicitor asap. He's busy elsewhere and you need advice on how to get rid of him.

Do you think??

How can he be busy elsewhere? Unless its during work time, or on a Monday night as he rarely goes out apart from then. Although one of his gripes was that he should be able to go out whenever he wants without it being an issue.

Oh and he leaves his mobile lying around so nothing to hide on there.

You do need to change....

.... the locks!!

This has been going on far too long. He is a complete wanker. You need to get a solicitor and get him out of your life before you completely lose your sense of self.

FWIW I don't think he is seeing anyone else, I think he is just a cocksure git who thinks you are there for his convenience.

Even if it seems a little scary - I can assure you that your life will be 100 times better without him than it is with him.

"Oh also, its normal for him to have weekends away with his mates and go out whenever he wants without being questioned by me cos he still has a life and he thinks I moan every time he goes out."

That's why. Sorry xbox

Alouiseg - maybe he is, maybe he isn't - but actually, you know what, it really doesn't matter why he treats XBox the way he does. He is a complete wanker and she needs rid of him (not based on just this thread, but based on this being how he has been treating her for a long time). He thinks he is the only one that matters, that she is there to cook, clean & fuck whatever else. He does not love her - he just knows that saying that keeps her there - cooking & cleaning etc....

XBOX - please, get some help to get him out of the house - you'll wish you'd done it sooner!