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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to cry out cos my husband is such a c**k and just been rude and nasty to me, :-(

70 replies

XboxWidow30 · 14/06/2010 20:07

We just had a huge discussion. Resulting in him calling me pathetic, useless, I don't do anything, all his friends laugh at him because of me, I have had a free ride and an easy life cos of him, oh but get this;

He says he loves me!!!

OP posts:
Meglet · 14/06/2010 20:33

. I really wouldn't be tolerating his attitude anymore.

You must speak to him and make him realise his attitude isn't acceptable.

He sounds like a prat (sorry). You shouldn't put up with it any more.

Gigantaur · 14/06/2010 20:33

i would visit the womens aid web page and have a look at the definition of emotional abuse.

see if any of that rings true.

you then have two options. show him and let him see that what he is doing is wrong and suggest he tries to rectify it, or leave/ask him to leave.

you know that you cannot go on llike this. it is unfair on you and your children.

hairytriangle · 14/06/2010 20:35

You seem so worn down 'so I am at my wits ends as to what to do'.

You talk as if you believe everything is your fault, as he has slowly but surely made you feel that way.

He sounds like a mean, nasty, lazy swine.

You need to decide whether it's worth having him as your fifth child (and I think you probably don't think it is, judging by your posts), or ask him to leave.

You just can't go on like this!

rewardgirl · 14/06/2010 20:38

I think you deserve better than this. We all do. What would you say to a friend who was going through this??

If you carry on letting this guy abuse you like this, what message is it giving to your kids?

I think Gigantaur's suggestion is a good one. If he still doesn't think he has a problem and refuses to change his behaviour, then that tells you everything you need to know.

Also, get in touch with Relate - a friend of mine works for them and it sounds like the work they do is amazing.

Good luck duckie. x

LittleMissHissyFit · 14/06/2010 20:54

I agree with everyone. As light hearted as we were the other day with you chucking it all out on the drive, seriously, his treatment of you is not acceptable, whatever the cock and bull reason he gave you.

You have 4 DC, he is vying to be the 5th, with 4dc him graciously deigning to take out the bins and occasionally load/empty the dishwasher, frankly, is not enough.

He IS slowly convincing you that YOU are to blame for this, where the opposite is true.

Get a bloody cleaner and get your life back, if he struggles to fund it, hand him the frigging marigolds.

Unless he realises that you are seriously overloaded and he is not only simply coasting, but having the nerve to criticise you on top of it all, then tbh, you need to tell him that you will reconsider your living arrangements.

I know I'm a fine one to talk, but I genuinely wouldn't wish my DH on anyone, not at the moment, and I only have 1 DS....

DitaVonCheese · 14/06/2010 21:05

Book yourself an appointment with a family solicitor and start talking options.

CarGirl · 14/06/2010 21:10

I have 4 dc they are still full time job even now they are older and all at school!!! The washing alone is a constant thing to be on top of and when you still have pre-schoolers playing with them taking them to toddlers is so important.

The school run takes up so much time and eats into your chunks of time to get other stuff done.

Seriously my dh does a lot around the house to help and never moans at the state of the house! He still reckons he has the easier job by going out to work.

AnyFucker · 14/06/2010 21:11

I have read your other threads

I am wondering if this fucker has any redeeming qualities at all

He doesn't love you, he despises you and treats you like a domestic appliance

Leave him on the drive for the binmen

PassMeTheKleenex · 14/06/2010 21:17

OK, here's your 'making a change and sorting yourself out':

Change = get a cleaner/rota for him to do something. Or he quits whinging.

Failing that, sorting yourself out = get some advice, then chuck him out

Arse (him - not you)

But stop taking this - it's all very well to come on here and vent, but when is it going to change??

isthatporridgeinyourhair · 14/06/2010 21:37

What a wanker. You are worth more than this.

sweetkitty · 14/06/2010 21:43

I have 4DCs and am a SAHM, I am not saying my DH is perfect but 5 mins ago he asked me if there was anything he could do tonight to help me out tomorrow.

I couldn't do it all without his help 50/50 when he is here.

I think you need to get up walk out one morning and leave him to it.

Lulumaam · 14/06/2010 21:50

as someone has alreayd pointed out, but it is worth reiterating, he does not want you to leave, because who would wash his pants and cook for him.. so he treats you like crap but softens the blow by saying he loves you.. wht he means is, he loves that you do everythng for him

scottishmummy · 14/06/2010 22:06

time for some straight talking from you to him

  1. As mother of his 4 children and partner you are worthy of respect and to be spoken to cordially.calmly and succinctly tell him you are not happy with his behaviour and things he says
  2. plan yourself some time out eg mates, cinema,family, cinema and do it.dont prevaricate and dither.
  3. book a haircut/colour something nice for yourself to lift your mood
  4. look into any free evening classes, online learning.do something for yourself.something that stimulates/interests you.
  5. figure who in rl can support you or you trust to talk to
Original poster
XboxWidow30 · 14/06/2010 22:27

Hi Guys, Just read through all of your comments. Thank you.

However, I haven't been on here cos I have been doing the housework, see, he has got to me. Even now at 10.30 at night and he isn't even here.

Will he notice when he gets in? Like heck he will cos he will just find something else to moan about.

He has also knocked me as he said that 'all our friends are laughing at him because of me' so now I feel like I can't see them anymore. Are they? Do they really think that??

OP posts:
Downdog · 14/06/2010 22:29

LOVE is a VERB

scottishmummy · 14/06/2010 22:30

think you need to do stand up for yourself and dont deny yourself friends because of what he says. true friend would support you,not berate you

SolidGoldBrass · 14/06/2010 22:31

Oh come off it love this man is a complete shit who hates women. He doesn't think you are a 'person' at all, you're a servant he can fuck when he feels like it. The friends are probably all thinking what a cock he is and wondering why he can't behave like a civilised human being to the woman he's supposed to love.

CoronaAndLime · 14/06/2010 22:33

No.
They are not laughing at you.
I'm quite sure of this.

expatinscotland · 14/06/2010 22:34

Him again.

I really don't get people who put up with behaviour like this.

I guess it must be working for them in some way because people do what works.

mrsincommunicado · 14/06/2010 22:40

Do you know any of his friends? Do they come round and play on the x-box? Put him on the spot and ask them in a jokey fashion:

"Hey, my hubby says you all laugh at him because of me, why so?"

They'll say nothing of the sort and he'll feel a complete spunktrumpet.

This is mental abuse, sweetie, my father did it to me for years. He has ground you down so that your self esteem has disappeared and now he feels he can manipulate you any way he likes.

Don't stand for this, you need a couple of days away to think about how you feel and what you want.

AnyFucker · 14/06/2010 22:42

I don't get it either, expat

It does seem though that many women think they can do no better....that particular idea is planted by their lovely partners

These lovely partners who also isolate the woman by telling her that her friends are laughing at her...

OP...you are an utter fool to stay with a man like this and I will now have to exit this thread before I say something very, very harsh and unhelpful

RumourOfAHurricane · 14/06/2010 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

overmydeadbody · 14/06/2010 22:54

I agree with expat, shineon and anyfucker.

For goodness sake OP why is it so difficult?

Just leave him. Have some self respect.

GuntherMcKilocodie · 14/06/2010 23:04

I don't think that the previous posts blaming OP are very helpful. I personally have always said that if any man treated me badly he'd be gone, but found myself in a situation a few years ago where I was with a guy who verbally abused me all the time. It becomes easy to believe, and I am no pushover. Perhaps he has effectively eroded her self respect.
I would echo comments about looking at women's aid website. Do you think he could be emotionally abusing you OP, or is he just being a nobber? Try to look at the situation as if you were advising a friend.
I do sympathise, it's not that easy to leave when you have no dependents, let alone four DCs.
Would suggest you have this moved to relationships, AIBU is not a kind place.

AnyFucker · 14/06/2010 23:07

just a minute, gunther, nobody is blaming OP

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