Am I depressed?

[NeedYourAdvice]

Sorry to post this in AIBU but I am a regular here, I have namechanged for this.

I've never suffered from depression or any mental health issues. But I'm finding it hard at the moment and I dont know whether it is depression, whether my mirena coil is causing me to be moody, or whether I just need to make some changes in my life.

I have 2 children, 33 months and 8 months. I am a SAHM and do not miss work, well not the work I was doing anyway. I have/had no real plans to return to work in the forseeable future. I have a loving husband, happy marriage pretty much free of fights or bickering with no smouldering issues or anything like that. I have no money worries.

However, I seldom feel excited anticipation about anything, even exciting holidays or other events that usually make people muster up some enthusiasm. I sort of feel flat about most things most the time. I have zero sex drive.

I am less and less patient with my children, one of who is a preschooler and the other who is a baby. I generally behave well towards them though I find myself more recently using a very fed up and slightly angry sounding tone with my preschooler.

I am fed up with things like potty accidents, bad manners, seeing squashed food in places it shouldnt be, and constantly repeating myself about various things that can't be done/touched or unacceptable behaviour, and those various things that we have to deal with as parents that it is our job to sort - I am less and less "okay" with this kind of thing and really just wish it would stop at least for a few days.

I hate the lack of freedom that having 2 small children brings, and would be so pleased to just have a bit of time where I didn't have to consider anyone else. I find this hard to the extent that I am doing less and less as it all seems too hard. In fact, I think I'd just stay home all the time and keep myself to myself if it weren't for the fact that the children play up and wind me up more if they haven't had an outing.

I feel like I'm counting the days till both my children have started full time school, to the extent that I'm not really enjoying these so called precious early years. Even the thought that they will one day start school depresses me because I start to think about whether I should go and study and get a new career to give me something to do when they do start school, but then that fills me with anxiety because I then wonder how I will go about it, how I will deal with childcare, if not before/after school then in school holidays. Its nearly 5 years until this is even an issue but I find myself mulling over this too.

I am sick of seeing the same people week in week out, being in constantly female company when I do see adults (apart from my husband in the evening). I would love to just see some normal people but they are all at work.

I didn't really think post natal depression was possible as when I had the baby (number 2) late last year I felt fine, didn't even cry on the famous "day 3" or whatever day it is after childbirth where your hormones crash. I felt fine, and still feel like I am coping from the point of view of looking after them - they are fed, watered, stimulated and happy, they are both good sleepers, and I am also well slept, though I realise there's more to "coping" than that. but I feel pretty flat now. Can it be delayed onset?

I had my mirena coil for 6 months and have had no trouble from it from the point of view of bleeding or cramps.

Am I depressed? Am I fed up with the kinds of things I should be fed up with, am I feeling like I should be or is it not normal to feel this flat and irritable, what is the first thing that came into your mind when you read this? Do I just need to get a life and go and study or work?

Sorry to trash the board with an advice post, I do contribute plenty of proper AIBU topics normally under my normal name so I do make a contribution, I hope you dont mind me using this board but I want to hear the opinions of the regular people whose opinions I see on other topics. Thank you for reading and I hope I haven't bored you silly.

Didn't want to read and run... I've never suffered from depression, and I'm not a medical professional, but my first though when reading your post is that you're tired, a bit fed up, and could do with a break. I hope that doesn't sound patronising. Does DH help out with the house and the kids? Could he do more, so you can have a bit of time for yourself to do something you enjoy?

You sound like how i felt in 2008 after the birth of my 2nd DS. You need to speak to your HV and tell her how your feeling.

She will be able to help you hunny, if you dont see your HV then make an appointment at your GP, it doesnt have to be a doctor you see, i saw a Nurse Practitioner who said i had PND after my HV referred me to the doctors and the NP rang a Dr to tell her about my symptoms and i was put on Prozac (Fluoxetine)

Hope you get the help you need, i still have down days where i dont want to get out of bed or i find myself shouting because the kids are being loud.

If you go on Prozac, is it hard to get off it again? Does it help with this kind of feeling?

You don't sound depressed to me (though I don't hold any medical qualifications) but you do sound as though you're in a bit of a rut.

Anyone you can talk to? I mean for a frank and honest discussion. Partner, friend, careers advisor? Sounds like you need to shake it up and change things a bit.

Some mummy's are happy to stay at home others NEED to be at work and it sounds like you may fall into the latter category.

Something part time maybe?
You're right to try to sort this out.
One thing I have learnt since I became a mummy is that a happy mother = a happy family.

I'm on dodgy territory here as I know very little about depression BUT the first impression I got from your post was not that you were depressed but that you were bored and a bit fed-up.

I think the things you describe as getting you down sound completely legitimate. If you're okay for money, why not get a bit of nursery time for the children and have a bit of time to yourself? You can use that time to figure out what you want to do in the medium term? It sounds like you just need permission to have a bit of time to yourself- but you feel guilty about this because you don't have the problems other people have- perhaps feeling you should count your blessings instead? If that's the case, I think that's being too hard on yourself. Looking after children is the hardest job a person can do- if it was easy men would've monopolised it years ago! So if you can afford some time out- do it. Won't do them an ounce of harm.

I don't know whether you are depressed or not but you don't sound right.
I agree with talking to your hv or gp just for some advice from someone who would be better placerd to spot something like this.

FWIW I have been on prozac for 6 months and found it easy enough to gradually come off it.

The "stuck in a rut" thing sounds a bit nail-on-the-head.

My preschooler has time outside the house (at preschool/nursery) but I never dont have the baby. The baby is fine - very easy etc - but its still a baby that needs caring for and if you go somewhere it still needs loading in the car etc, weighs a ton, might cry halfway through something or other etc etc. (I'm saying it to conceal details about myself)

I feel I can't really justify putting youngest baby in nursery for a day because I am a SAHM and because I feel they get something out of a nursery scenario for themselves from the age of about one.

But in actual fact, if having one day a week where I had neither child to look after but could catch up on "me" meant that I could feel better the rest of the time, perhaps I should swallow that concern and go for it anyway.

Please keep your advice coming, its been very helpful thus far.

I always felt depression should involve some sort of crying and I dont really cry...its more this flat, unenthusiastic, irritable feeling I can't shake that concerns me I'm turning into an absolute misery of a person.

I can be jollied out of it though - I went out to lunch with "the girls" on the weekend and I was happy as larry. I take it if you are properly depressed, you wouldn't be jollied out of it so easily, and in fact you wouldn't want to go out in the first place?

It might be worth having a chat with your GP or maybe trying something like St John's Wort for a bit.

FWIW I felt very similar when mine were a similar age. It was all such a grind and I was often feeling pretty flat and irritable. Now they are a bit older I can't belive how much easier I find motherhood. They play together for a lot of the day and there is more emphasis on fun stuff and less on continual nappies/weaning/naps/tantrums. I don't know if I was truly depressed but I did find that stage bloody hard.

One thing that some of us struggle with is that being a mum doesn't stop you being a person who has needs.
You need to address these needs to keep you and your family healthy.

You may be suprised! I went through a similar sort of thing and when I confided in my DP was shocked that he'd seen where I was and whole heartedly supported me in 'finding me' again. (Whereas I'd felt I was being selfish for having those feelings and thought that was what he would think.)

I would call it malaise rather than depression and I would counsel against anti-depressants. You'd know if you were depressed - it is like being trapped underground or in a horrible gray prison where everything is (and always was, and always will be) both pointless and horrible.

I would go with putting the litlle one in nursery for one day a week and see how that goes.

Try (and I'll probably be shot down for saying this) instigating sex some time even if you don't much feel like it. The endorphins released will make you feel happier and closer to your DH even if the sex isn't mindblowing.

Not depressed. Edinburgh test would tell you if you were. i did it and had a very low score. but was definitely struggling. just sounds down , to me. i feel similar, to some of your points.

Have you got a project on the go?
Do you get out for a walk & see some daylight every day?
Are you eating properly?

SOunds as if your brain is a bit disengaged if you perk up on a night out, and possibly your body too if your sex drive has flatlined.

It's almost as if you are on top of everything, and part of you is saying "what now?". So maybe ask yourself what your plans are?

It's hard to say because there are different levels of depression. I suffered with PND after the birth of DD1 and was suicidally depressed.......no mistaking it as being fed-up/stuck in a rut/hormones...I wanted to be dead. That doesn't however mean that you are not depressed.

Have you heard of the edinburgh scale? It's the scale used by health professionals to detect depression.........maybe have a google and see how you do with the questionnaire. If necessary you can then see your GP for some help.

On the other hand, hopefully you just need a serious injection of me time and something to do other than just being a wife and mother (if that is indeed part of your problem.......I know it is mine). Have you thought about finding some kind of evening course to do? Or make a regular weekly date to go out with a friend for a glass of wine or a coffee? You really need to make sure you get some time to yourself........it will help you work out what you need to do to feel better XX

Don't go to your Gp. And don't take AD's. IF thta is, we all agree it is not depression, which like i said the test will confirm.
bach rescur remedy might help. natural.
but the most important thing, which is the most difficult thing, is to try and work out what is really going on here. and what you REALLY need.
do you need a break. put botht the children in a gym creche while you go for a kick boxing session, or spinning, exercise might help. or whilst you swim and steam room/ sauna.

do you need more time on your own ? more lunches with your best friend ?

i don't know. but maybe the lovely mn'ers here will be able to analyze it out to find out what 'help' it is that you really need.

becasue realistically other than ad's or counselling, what is a gp pr hv going to do for you ?

Having had 2 bouts of depression myself, I'm inclined to think you're not suffering from clinical depression but from a pretty reasonable feeling of being bored & unfulfilled & fed up. You could probably persuade your GP to prescribe Prozac but I'd caution against it; it's (as you probably know!) a seratonin reuptake inhibitor, and is designed to tackle a chemical imbalance resulting in a lack of seratonin (someone who knows more about this is welcome to correct me). It's good stuff if you have a clinical depression with a chemical cause, but dangerous if not, not least because it would mean you wouldn't tackle the things in your life that might help you to a happier and more contented path. PLus, it takes a good month to work properly, and you don't want to wait that long...

All the fantastic advice above is very sound. This could be a brilliant opportunity for you to dedicate some time to putting yourself first, and identifying what is really troubling you - are there ambitions unfulfilled, places you need to see, skills you have always been keen to learn? Things you once loved doing - music, painting, writing, anything - that your busy life as a mother prevents you from enjoying? Or it is something simpler but no less fundamental to your happiness - do you need to engage more with friends, & feel a person in your own right, and not identified by your family?

Ps - can't believe I'm about to post this, but what the hell: just to demonstrate, from my perspective, what symptoms of depression are like - I withdrew from life, to the extent of barely leaving the house; ate myself into a state of obesity in a very short space of time; would wake in the morning to perhaps 10 seconds of hopefulness and willingness to face the day before being smacked in the face with an appalling black weight of hopelessness; broke off my engagement; almost dropped out of college; and spent hours sitting silently with tears pouring down my face oblivious to people talking to me (that was the bit when someone drove me to the college surgery and practically threw me at the doctor). And worse. I hope this is cheering you! Best best best of luck.

V. brave post Headbanger.

bangbang for you. You deserve only happiness from now on, mon cherie.

OP I don't know. It sounds like it could be mild depression to me. But worth trying the things Head lists above before trying the chemicals, I'd say, and try the nursery one day a week thing. I only have one DC, but the hardest time mentally for me was the 8-12 month bit, where they want loads more but can't get any of it for themselves. So don't be hard on yourself.

Fanks Easy & Tag. Has been good for a few years now, thankfully. I feel so strongly that it should be talked about more, because people are often ashamed, and they should be no more ashamed of it than of a broken leg or a dose of the 'flu.

I agree about nursery one day a week. Perhaps this is about 'finding yourself' (horrible phrase!). When my Mum had 5 children at home, she taught herself Russian...just to prove to herself she could, if you see what I mean.

I agree - sounds more like a case of being fed up and needing to concentrate on yourself more than depression. Have suffered with d myself in the past and it's bloomin' awful. Still in recovery now.

But, you sound like you (rightly so) just need a break and a bit more "me" time. See what you can squeeze in where. Can DH look after the DCs every Sat morning or something so that you can meet the girls / whatever you fancy doing?

Or part-time work would be good. Something to get your teeth into and give you a bit of a boost.

I would add my voice to those above recommending that you don't turn to meds.

Good luck - and keep us informed!

I've had horrible severe depression in the past and I've currently got a similar malaise to that the OP describes. They're not the same as others have said.

I've had it since changing jobs 2 years ago - it was not as I expected and having my DS was a get out clause. The feeling of not being fulfilled is still very much there though.

Things are much better for me than they were though, because I am getting out of the house. I might not feel particularly fulfilled sitting at playgroup, but at least I am talking to people and not killing off braincells watching crap daytime telly.

hi - we do all have days like that - much of what you are saying will be very familiar to all! I must say that being at work does give you adult conversation, a coffee break, a chance to have a change from the sometimes monotonous potty training etc - it does sound like a change of scene may be helpful - for me I found going back to work a rest/tonic/change - worth considering!

In the meantime it prob is worth you going to your gp in case you do have depression and I would also suggest arranging something to look forward to that is child free even if its just going round to a friends for an evening.

good luck and take care

I've felt very much like you describe on many occasions and often wondered if I were sinking into depression too. Looking back now things are a bit easier, I think that for me it was a combination of sleep deprivation, dealing with my own loss if identity, coupled with the daily grind of motherhood. It sometimes feels like Groundhog Day and that everything you do is undone again two minutes later! That just wore at me day in day out and I ended up being a miserable, grumpy bitch most of the time! (DH would probably argue that I still am sometimes ).

I started to feel better when I was able to put my DTs in nursery, just one afternoon a week from when they turned 1. I also took up one of the hobbies that I had to drop when I became pregnant. Just that little bit of time each week and having something back that was just about ME, not about being a mother was really helpful for me.

Being a mum is wonderful, but it's incredibly hard and such a massive change to your life and to who you are, that it takes time to adjust and figure it all out. I hope you feel better soon.