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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't make family christening: preparing for a RL flaming!

50 replies

robberbutton · 13/06/2010 19:34

Feeling really worried about this. It's my BIL's baby's christening, and it's going to be really hard for us to make it. It's two hours from where we live and the service starts at 9:45am.

*We'd have to stay overnight in a hotel (have 3 young DCs). We also have a family thing the day before closer to home so could only leave after that.

*We don't have a car so would either have to get the train (over £100 for all of us) or hire a car for the weekend (about £275).

What would you do? How would you feel if family couldn't make your christening? If you do think we should try and be there at any cost please tell me nicely as I do feel bad. Plus it will be noted- so far from the in-laws it's all been 'how will you get there' rather that 'we know it's going to be difficult for you to make it'...

OP posts:
SloanyPony · 13/06/2010 19:35

If its going to put you significantly out of pocket, you should not feel bad about opting out. Send a gift and your apologies.

YANBU.

traceybath · 13/06/2010 19:36

Is it your DH's brother? If so - could he go on his own perhaps?

Also - are you a religious family - ie, does the christening have a lot of significance? Because if not - I'd be tempted not to go.

But then I missed a christening where I was godparent because of prior arrangments.

Irons · 13/06/2010 19:37

I wouldn't go.

thisisyesterday · 13/06/2010 19:38

depends...

how close are you to them?> would you be upset if it was the other way round?

how well-off are you? can you afford to hire a car or pay for the tickets or would it be a big stretch?

I thikj you should do anything reasonable to get there. but if you really can't afford it, or if it's going to be a real big problem having the 3 kids in a hotel etc then don't. just send your apologies and a lovely gift

when is it? can you not get cheaper tickets/hotel booking in advance?

withorwithoutyou · 13/06/2010 19:38

When we got married it was a good few hours away from DH's family so we didn't get married til 3PM to allow for time for people to travel up on the day.

A 09:45 ceremony isn't exactly considerate of guests who have a long way to come IMO.

YANBU.

compo · 13/06/2010 19:38

I'd send dh in his own, can't he stay at his brothers house?

Firawla · 13/06/2010 19:38

i agree with send a gift and apologies, 9.45 is very early if you dont live in the same town so they should realise that makes it quite difficult

CarGirl · 13/06/2010 19:39

Hmm I've got the same sort of thing, my db is getting married 350miles away it's going to cost a fortune and we aren't going to be able to make a long weekend out of it to make it more worth going!

FabIsGettingFit · 13/06/2010 19:39

We have missed the last 3 or 4 family weddings for various reasons and we did feel a bit bad but not hugely tbh. Life doesn't always mean you can do everything someone wants you to do.

My advice would be to tell them asap you will not be able to make it.

diamondsandtiaras · 13/06/2010 19:41

agree that they shuold have considered that the time of the ceremony would make it difficult. We also had our wedding at 3pm to accomodate family who had to travel. Could DH go on the train on his own? Or do you have family or a friend close to you who could look after the LOs whilst you and DH go?

abr1de · 13/06/2010 19:43

YANBU

addictedisalmosthalfway · 13/06/2010 19:45

well honest answer, i think you should go, its important to them. however i'm not sure how you should get there, it doesnt realy help you tho does it.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 13/06/2010 19:45

what about one of you go alone, with a gift and apologise, saying you would all have loved to have come but simply couldn't afford it.

missjellycat · 13/06/2010 19:46

I think you are being a bit U, it's obviously a big day for them and I think 9.45 isn't that early. Leave in the morning at 7.30, hire a car for that day only for around £50. No need at all for expensive hotel and I don't know what swanky car you'd get for £275!

TheCrackFox · 13/06/2010 19:48

YANBU

Just send DH by himself. He can sleep on his brothers couch. Be completely honest with them that the logistics and finances just aren't going to work. Communicating with them openly should stop any big family fall out.

traceybath · 13/06/2010 19:49

To be fair to the bil most christenings happen during normal church service so you can't choose the time.

moocowmrs · 13/06/2010 19:49

Just wanted to point out Christening are often part of the normal sunday service, so there would be no choice on the time of the service.

moocowmrs · 13/06/2010 19:50

sorry X posts traceybath

Lindy · 13/06/2010 19:50

I think it is perfectly understandable if you can't make it - just because you are invited to something doesn't mean you have to go - it is totally unreasonable for people to expect their guests to stay overnight in hotels etc or have expensive journeys. None of DH's family were able to come to our DC's christening because of the distance, (despite it being an afternoon - it was still a very long journey) we totally understood.

GeekOfTheWeek · 13/06/2010 19:52

If the family are not religious then I wouldn't go.

If they are then I would send dh unless you really can't afford it. In which case I would explain the situation and not go.

Eglu · 13/06/2010 19:54

I think it is reasonable not to go. If you can't afford it then it is not fair to expect you to go. FWIW I don't see christenings aas that big a deal anyway, unless you are godparents just send apologies.

Waswondering · 13/06/2010 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missjellycat · 13/06/2010 19:54

IMO 2 hours really isn't that far, my commute is an hour and a half, I wouldn't think twice. Obviously it's a hassle faffing around early with DCs, but I'm sure your BiL really wants you all there and will appreciate you've made the effort. I'm surprised to be in the minority with this opinion tbh.

maktaitai · 13/06/2010 19:54

I think I would try and send at least one representative - Dh on his own.

Alternatively, could you try to see if there is a car club locally and book a car via them? Streetcar is local to us, and there's various others; you might find it was cheaper than a straight hire.

Original poster
robberbutton · 13/06/2010 19:58

thanks everyone for your quick replies.

We could just about afford it- it would be about half of what we have saved atm , hence the no car.

It was DP's idea we don't go. Have suggested to DP that he go by himself, but he doesn't want to (I think it's the whole weekend thing). Someone could take the older two DCs, but the baby is still bf. Would be less hassle but not much cheaper to do that.

We have told them. DP said they didn't sound too pleased. I wouldn't mind in the slightest if it was the other way round, but think DP's family are more sensitive. We get on ok with his brother, but never see them apart from family occasions like this.

Will deffo send big gift, and cross fingers it won't turn into a family feud!

Thanks again

OP posts: