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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can't make family christening: preparing for a RL flaming!

50 replies

robberbutton · 13/06/2010 19:34

Feeling really worried about this. It's my BIL's baby's christening, and it's going to be really hard for us to make it. It's two hours from where we live and the service starts at 9:45am.

*We'd have to stay overnight in a hotel (have 3 young DCs). We also have a family thing the day before closer to home so could only leave after that.

*We don't have a car so would either have to get the train (over £100 for all of us) or hire a car for the weekend (about £275).

What would you do? How would you feel if family couldn't make your christening? If you do think we should try and be there at any cost please tell me nicely as I do feel bad. Plus it will be noted- so far from the in-laws it's all been 'how will you get there' rather that 'we know it's going to be difficult for you to make it'...

OP posts:

deepdarkwood · 13/06/2010 20:01

I think I'd want to try and make a sibling's child's christening. I'd do the get up early, leave on the day (= no hotel) and return same day plan. Won't be so expensive (I guess you'd might still have 2/3 day car hire depending on whether you can return on a Sunday - but that was coming out at £150 ish for a car suitable for 5 on easycar....)

If not, I'd go with sending dh. Tbh, I'm not sure 2 hours travel is 'sufficient' excuse for missing totally and going with the card & nice gift option

Original poster

robberbutton · 13/06/2010 20:01

Don't think we could hire a car just for the day if it's a Sunday? Will look into it. We need quite a big one for 3 car seats.

Thanks.

OP posts:

deepdarkwood · 13/06/2010 20:02

sorry - x post, not meaning to make your life more difficult

deepdarkwood · 13/06/2010 20:03

no, you couldn't from what i could see - but pick up late sat + drop early monday would save you some money on some of the sites I looked on

missjellycat · 13/06/2010 20:05

As you say, it's a 'family occasion', isn't it worth getting up a little early for?

IMO you know you are being unreasonable, you have to exaggerate how much hassle it would be to go to get people to agree with you. You can't be bothered going despite knowing your BiL will be upset, I think that's definitely unreasonable. I'm not surprised you hardly see him if this is your attitude to family get-togethers, you'd rather run the risk of creating a family feud than get up early for your BiL's LO christening.

DuelingFanjo · 13/06/2010 20:06

I think your DP should go, why doesn't he want to?

orienteerer · 13/06/2010 20:08

As it's DH's family I think the least you could do is for him to go alone.

wannaBe · 13/06/2010 20:09

ime most christenings are just an excuse for a party anyway and not that big a deal. It's not as if the baby will know or even care if you're there. Bit like 1st birthday parties really

So no, yanbu.

suitejudyblue · 13/06/2010 20:10

YANBU - no way would I want one of my siblings to spend half of what they had saved on attending an event which will last a hour at most and I wouldn't even expect them to send an expensive gift either.
Yes, its a nice thing to go to but I really don't understand why your brother is annoyed that you can't come, its a bit selfish imo.

sayithowitis · 13/06/2010 20:12

OK, it is possible to hire a car far more cheaply than the £275 you mention, however, it may be that you need something a bit bigger to accommodate 3 car seats. Do you even have car seats? If not, I don't know whether it is possible to hire those as well, though of course that will push up the cost.

I doubt that the christening has been arranged for that time deliberately. Most churches I know, insist that christenings are carried out as part of their normal Sunday morning service, so that the whole congregation welcomes the LO to the fold.

I do think that to leave home at 7.30 with 3 young DCs is a big ask, especially when you will probably want to dress them up a bit for the occasion. Is it possible that you could stop at a relatives overnight on the night before? At least you would not have such a long journey in the morning.

Otherwise, if you feel there really is no way round this, I think you should just explain the situation and arrange to meet them some other time. There is nothing to stop you sending a card and a gift if you wish. If the Ils are truly Christian, they will understand, and if they are not but are doing the christening as an excuse for a party/to pacify grandparents/because it is the 'done' thing, then they will not understand your reasons, but that's just tough, at least you are not being hypocritical.

firsttimemama · 13/06/2010 20:13

If you live near an airport you can generally get 24 hr car hire there. I would try to make it - it would be a lovely gesture.

slushy06 · 13/06/2010 20:15

I am having dd christened soon I know it is touch and go as to whether BIL and family come as they live a long way away and BIL is in the army doesn't bother me.

YANBU if it is too much don't go.

withorwithoutyou · 13/06/2010 20:30

Ok, didn't know that about christening being part of the service.

Can't your BIL or their family put you up?

If it were me on my own I wouldn't think the early morning was a problem. But a two hour drive, plus leaving extra time in case of delays would mean you had to leave about 7AM.

So you'd need to get everyone up to start getting ready at, what? 5.30? 6? Sounds a bit of a mission with 3 kids, although perfectly feasible for your DH to do on his own.

Original poster

robberbutton · 13/06/2010 20:41

Thanks everyone. TBH I really think DP should go too, that part is a bit U. But I can't make him and I don't want to show him up in front of his family iyswim.

OP posts:

Original poster

robberbutton · 13/06/2010 21:02

(Have just shown him this thread, he says he won't rule it out. Thanks for your constructive ideas. )

OP posts:

GeekOfTheWeek · 13/06/2010 21:31

I think it makes a difference if the family are religious and attend church.

If not then surely its just a piss up.

LexieKJ · 01/08/2010 15:16

It's a real shame that it's so difficult, but if I was in your situation, I would try my hardest to get there, and if it really couldn't happen (which sounds like the point you're at) then I would send my hubby, along with a great gift and my apologies.

I think one of you should go, that's the reasonable compromise IMO.

ChippingIn · 01/08/2010 15:27

I think it would be nice to go too, but if money is so tight this is going to take half the money you have been working hard to save and you don't have a car due to not having any money.... there are a lot of things to consider.

Yes it would be nice to be there for their childs christening, but maybe you really need that money for your children?!

If it was only the time I would say get up early and get the train, it's not that big a deal - but honestly, the money sounds like a much bigger issue.

SE13Mummy · 01/08/2010 15:30

FWIW one of my SiLs and my nephew didn't make it to DD2's baptism a few months ago as he'd been unwell the Friday before (emergency GP appointment late Friday evening etc.). My brother still came along with his DD - to a 10:30 service and it was lovely to see them both. Although I was sorry that SiL and nephew didn't make it, the baptism wasn't 'for' them and we knew they'd be thinking of us on the day much as we were thinking of them. It hasn't affected our relationship but then again, both they and us are church-going families and our children are members of our churches so although it's nice to have family around for these occasions it's a celebration for the church family really.

I think your DH (and maybe the eldest DC) should try to go if at all possible if it's of vital importance to his brother's family. If you decide it's just not feasible then perhaps you could take the opportunity to suggest a midway family meet-up some time over the summer instead?

compo · 01/08/2010 15:33

Why did this thread get dragged up? Christenings probably been and gone

LexieKJ · 01/08/2010 15:51

Sorry compo, didn't realise the date. You didn't have to be rude though!

toccatanfudge · 01/08/2010 16:03

my Brother (DS1's Godfather as well) didn't make DS3's Christening - he simply couldn't afford it. Was disappointing, but not a massive blow and we understood

ChippingIn · 01/08/2010 16:16

LexieKJ

That wasn't rude! Are you new? If so, welcome to MN, but be warned, Am I Being Unreasonable might not be a great place for you to hang out you think Compo's post was rude.

If you're a longstanding namechanger - you should know better

LexieKJ · 01/08/2010 16:26

Lol, maybe rude was a bit too reactive, snippy might be better. I'll keep having a little look here, I think I can cope!

ChippingIn · 01/08/2010 16:50

Good, it's always nice to have new blood posters!

... and don't say you weren't warned

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