To expect stepdaughter to change plans?

[cath476]

Dsd is 15 and not a bad kid, she doesn't get into trouble and generally nice to be around. I know this is probably unreasonable expectations of a teenager but see what you think about this scenario...
She was here yesterday and her mum's partner phoned to tell her he was intending to propose to her mum today. Their extended families were also going to the house to celebrate. He asked dsd if she would like to be there too as he thought it would be nice. (she lives there but sometimes stays with us all day Sunday) As a bit of background, she gets on fine with mum's partner(with the usual family ups and downs) has a sibling from them and would have no issue with them getting married. Her response was " I told already that I have arranged to go to xxxx with my friends, then we are all going to xxxx."
Now, I understand that she had made prior arrangements and that it was last minute but she didn't say how much she would have liked to have been there, just criticised him for not remembering her plans (nothing that she couldn't do every week). I gave her a couple of suggestions which may have made her lose half an hour to an hour of time with her friends - she wasn't interested. Dh and I pointed out that this was an important time for her mum and she would want her there if she could be. We both said we weren't angry with her but we felt she had made the wrong choice but it had to be up to her.
I know teenagers are selfish but it was the total lack of care for anyone else's feeling and her complete inflexibility that irritated us.

if she is there under duress she is more likely to resent it rather than celebrate it for what it is. it would make the day about her rather than the couple involved. maybe she doesn't actually want to be there. i understand what you are saying about teenagers being selfish but making her go wont help her realise this it will just make her stroppy. let her decide and perhaps after a while she will realise herself that she should have been there to support her mum and will apologise and make it up to her.

Pretty typical 15 year old behaviour tbh.

We wouldn't force her and as I said we have told her the decision has to be hers. I don't think she would have had a problem in being there had she not made other plans. I had suggested she ring her mum's partner back to see if he could do it half an hour earlier, then she could have been there for the actual proposal and then left to see her friends.
We have, however, told her we think she is being unreasonable and DH is really disappointed in her attitude.

Missus, you're probably right and I did point this out to DH. It still kind of disappoints though as we expect (and to be fair, usually get) much better from her.

YABU she doesnt find it a big deal she is 15 to her its important that her plans are remembered. It could actually be argued he should have considered it and spoken to her beforehand instead of almost as an afterthought phone her to say do you want to be here.

let her go about her plans she can say her congratulations etc once she does go home and leave it be at that.

At 15, I can imagine that she would far rather spend time with her mates than face the embarrassment of seeing her mum and soon-to-be-stepdad indulging in romantic outbursts and horror, possible PDAs.

It was nice of him to want to include her but in all fairness, it's not really her party, is it? So I think she wasn't being particularly unreasonable.

I guess you could look at it another way.

Her mum and dad already split, met knew partners and her mum has a new dc by step father (and you?)

Thats alot for a girl/ teenager to go through perhaps she doesn't see this marraige as 'big'news or perhaps if she makes no fuss she doesn't see it as change as TBH what is really going to change for her? She won't share the same surname as her mum and maybe that bothers her?

Perhaps the 'normal' going out with friends signifies to her that this is not another change and things aren't going to be different (because they're not).

I do see why DH dissappointed but I think it's best that you have your expectations of her re your events and its up to her mum and stepdad re theres. That way shes under less pressure and therefor more likely to be co-operative IYSWIM.

Dittany, you couldn't be more wrong - we have all worked extremely hard over the last 14 years to make sure that she is secure and loved and part of our family. We have all parented together for her benefit and have a good relationship with her mum for her sake. She holidays with all of us (not at the same time), she has a bedroom here and one at her mums. Her parents go to all her parents' evenings, dentists, doctors appointments. She is very loved and very loving. I know that she is not unhappy about the situation because she is very open and honest and whenever there have been issues she has been straightforward about letting us know. I know for a fact it is not about the proposal, it about her changing plans.
It absolutely has something to do with me as she is my husband's child and I have helped with her upbringing for as long as I can remember. I am more upset with her attitude than her not being able to go. If she has at least said "I would love to be there but i can't see how it would work with my plans" I could have understood it more. I want all my children to be empathetic to other people's feelings and she absolutley IS one of my children.

YABU - I'd be pretty pissed off if my plans were ignored too.

"I have helped with her upbringing for as long as I can remember"
Sorry, as long as she can remember

But why would you think she would love to be there, cath? I know I wouldn't have at 15 either! Toooo boooring, watching the olds "get all smoochy".

It does seem a bit odd to expect a child to be at a proposal tbh - maybe she doesn't see it as so significant as her stepdad does?

As I said, I know it is teenagers and I said to DH that at her age we would have probably felt the same. I just wish she could have been kinder about it. I wasn't expecting her to cancel all her plans, she could have shown her face for 10 minutes then gone out. We didn't force her and we wouldn't have, but we also said how we felt (as did she). No-one has fallen out and there was no argument, it was just a discussion we had as a family and she chose to kep her plans which we didn't make any fuss about.

I agree with all the above - her mum and soon-to-be-stepdad are not really changing anything just adding a ring and bit of paper.

At 15 A LOT can change if you miss out being with your friends.

I'm 29 and would be upset if my parents expected me to change plans I'd made to fit in with theirs especially if they KNEW I had them.

no advice but want to say what a lovely family set up you seem to have.

YABU a bit as teenagers can be selfish.

Dittany, I would actually dispute the fact that she is from a 'broken home'. Her parents don't live together but she has had them both in her life and parenting her together for her entire life. There is nothing broken about her home-life and I am pretty sure she would agree with that. Of course she has space to be unhappy if that is how she feels but I know that this is not how she feels. We have had many conversations over the years about things she has not been happy about and she knows that if she is unsure or upset about anything then she can talk to any of us (she chooses the person she speaks to depending on the issue) She is a lovely kid and can be so kind, I think that is why it is upsetting when she isn't kind.