To expect stepdaughter to change plans?

[cath476]

Dsd is 15 and not a bad kid, she doesn't get into trouble and generally nice to be around. I know this is probably unreasonable expectations of a teenager but see what you think about this scenario...
She was here yesterday and her mum's partner phoned to tell her he was intending to propose to her mum today. Their extended families were also going to the house to celebrate. He asked dsd if she would like to be there too as he thought it would be nice. (she lives there but sometimes stays with us all day Sunday) As a bit of background, she gets on fine with mum's partner(with the usual family ups and downs) has a sibling from them and would have no issue with them getting married. Her response was " I told already that I have arranged to go to xxxx with my friends, then we are all going to xxxx."
Now, I understand that she had made prior arrangements and that it was last minute but she didn't say how much she would have liked to have been there, just criticised him for not remembering her plans (nothing that she couldn't do every week). I gave her a couple of suggestions which may have made her lose half an hour to an hour of time with her friends - she wasn't interested. Dh and I pointed out that this was an important time for her mum and she would want her there if she could be. We both said we weren't angry with her but we felt she had made the wrong choice but it had to be up to her.
I know teenagers are selfish but it was the total lack of care for anyone else's feeling and her complete inflexibility that irritated us.

Tact and diplomacy are not qualities that teenagers are renowned for having.
You have asked the question, the vast majority of people have told you YABU, I think you have your answer.
I agree with above, if the fiance to be was really that fussed about her being there he would have given her more notice - be disappointed in him.

TBH you don't know what is going on with her perhaps she is more upset than she is letting on or it could be that on this particular occassion meeting her friends is more important perhaps a boy is joining them that she likes. Dhe may just not see it as a big deal as they already have a solid relationship.
Either way it is her choice and it is very good of you to be so supportive of her Mums feelings and partner. It sounds like you have a lovely family and extended family and I am really happy for you, perhaps in time you'll understand her motives for not being there and if it is just that she is being selfish- it is just a shame that it is this moment she has a 'teenage' moment.

cath I do think it's a bit of a stretch calling it "unkind" of her not to want to go. It's not unkind. It wasn't unkind of her to say she didn't want to change her plans, IMO. Just normal.

If she'd said she didn't want to go to the wedding, you'd have a point - but a last minute "come and watch me propose to your mum with a bunch of family types" invitation - ugh.

YABU I doubt she tells you everything. A public proposal sounds a bit wanky anyway.

Either way, it doesn't really affect you so I don't really get why you care

I wasn't saying she was being unkind for not wanting to go, it was the way she said no that i found unkind. Anyway, as you say, I asked the question, I got my answer. Thanks.

She hasn't had a boyfriend at all yet - she is quite a young 15, in fact I think this is why we are struggling with her changing personality a little - she seems to have hit her teen years late. Secunda - all i can say is I'm glad you're not my step-parent if you don't get why i care!

OK - I've just re-read the OP again to see if there was something I missed - I think she was somewhat pissed off that her soon-to-be-stepdad had decided to do this in the middle of her pre-arranged plans, that he knew about. She probably thought he was being totally unfair, expecting her to change her plans just to fit in with his timings( why? Why couldn't he have done it when he knew she'd be around, or warned her earlier not to make plans at that time?) and had a fit of pique about it. Either way you are still being a bit OTT about it - she probably feels like her plans have been seen as completely unimportant - and to a 15yo, of course, they are far from that.

You know what, thanks for all your replies - I asked the question, I got my answers, I never realised before how frustrating AIBU is - I can see what some of you think and I can see why but without you truly knowing our circumstances, it is impossible for me to convey this. If I try I will sound
like I am making excuses - very frustrating but quite unavoidable as you can only comment on the information given. (I haven't omitted anything btw - I just didn't realise how hard it is to understand a situation unless you know the people involved) Anyway, thanks for your replies, it's appreciated.

Thanks twoteens, i'm sure this is just one of many challenges we'll face as parents of teenagers!

"I know teenagers are selfish but it was the total lack of care for anyone else's feeling and her complete inflexibility that irritated us."

But what about her feelings & the fact that she already had plans which no one else seems to think are important?

Yes YABU, I don't see why a 15 year old should change her plans.

I would cringe if someone invited me to attend their public proposal - what a hideous, cheesy event. I would invent an alternative appointment even if I didn't have one TBH. (Even if I liked the people involved and wanted them to get married. Waht next? People inviting you to attend their consummation? The sheer horror of modern life...)

What HerBeatitude said.

Oh yes, HerBeatitude-cringe-that´s the exact correct word.

I´d cringe now as an adult, let alone a 15yr old.

If someone invited others to watch the proposal & think that would be grounds for refusing & legging it!