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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell people who tell me to "get a move on" and/or "relax" where they can shove their advice?

30 replies

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 12/06/2010 12:28

probably but am in a very bad mood and having a bad day so i really dont care.

we have had 11 mc's in total and 1 ep. next month we will have been ttc for 5 years. my periods are getting more painful and heavier (not top mention more hormonal) and I am sick of everything. Im sick of people asking me when we will have another dc, if I am polite and trot out the "we'll see what happens" line they invariably comment that we "ought to get a move on". if I say "ah, doubt it, childbirth hurts ha ha" they say "children need a sibling". If I say "we have been trying but have been very unlucky" they say "you should relax"

Im fed up. i hate being infertile, I hate feeling guilty and I hate knowing that ds will probably be an only child. I hate feeling that Ive failed him and dh by having a shit womb.

next time Im so tempted to just tell people to fuck off and mind their own business.

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToGetFit · 12/06/2010 12:30

YANBU.

Maybe you should tell the truth next time. Say you have tried but have lost 11 potential babies. Only the most awful person would then carry on the conversation.

Or tell them it is none of their business.

KorkiiEffenkrakers · 12/06/2010 12:32

Agree with fab. Tell them the truth then at least you will have the satisfaction of watching the smirk come off their face. buggers! I was in your position for a while and know how crap it is. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

racingheart · 12/06/2010 12:36

YANBU and even if you were you'd have the right to be. The stress of infertility is impossible to imagine unless you've gone through it. I hope it works out for you the way you want it to.

herjazz · 12/06/2010 12:37

so sorry. Its bloody hard. Can't begin to imagine how you feel after all that

think fab is right - the truth might be a good shut the fuck up tactic. I used to say 'yeah I carry a fatal genetic disorder. Lots of mc' which would cut that conversation off

I think lots of people are generally v ignorant of secondary infertility - its just not on their radar. They presume that because you have 1 child you wouldn't have any probs with others. So whilst they are just making chit chat and not trying to be rude or upset, they do anyway

wishing you all the best

goldenbirdies · 12/06/2010 12:50

YANBU thats for sure. 'Hell is other people' so someone or other said. I really feel for you as I went through years of trying and going back and back to the GP trying to get them to help. Ended up with hysterectomy so finally had to accept ds would be an only child and that was the hardest of all.

The other day, chatting about kids at work one woman bluntly asked me why I hadn't 'added' to dd, I said I didn't really want to talk about it (knowing that I would still probably end up in floods if I did) and she very snottily said 'why not? I don't mind what people know about me'. I would go for the unanswerable shut-down advised by the others.

goldenbirdies · 12/06/2010 12:52

Gawd - dd not ds (blast these MN abbreviations!)

mumblechum · 12/06/2010 12:53

If you can tell people that you've had eleven miscarriages WITHOUT getting tearful (i'm sure I would), then I agree you should do that.

As fab said, anyone with any tact whatsoever would change the subject

nowherewoman · 12/06/2010 12:54

People are really insensitive aren't they? I would regard that as being an incredibly personal question, but apparently some people don't.

Caoimhe · 12/06/2010 12:57

I imagine that the majority of people, if told the truth, would want to crawl away in shame for upsetting you. So DO IT - sounds like they deserve it.

Or alternatively DO just tell them to F* off - people are so bloody nosy.

gramercy · 12/06/2010 12:59

Frankly before I suffered from secondary infertility I'm quite sure I made a few insensitive comments along the lines of "Having any more?" Now I'm the Queen of Tact, I can tell you.

At first I said to people who quizzed me "Oh, you can't improve on perfection!" and flippant comments like that. But unfortunately people don't really get that you're trying to fob them off so in the end I just bluntly replied "I'm not able to have any more children." That shuts them up.

However, you do have to remember that most people aren't trying to wound you. I'm sure we are all occasionally quite unintentionally tactless about things we are uninformed about.

diddl · 12/06/2010 13:02

Yes, people are bloody nosy.

I keep myself very much to myself & so it´s not the sort of thing I would ask anyone.

OP YANNNNNBU.

I can´t help wondering who these twats people who keep asking are.

MaudofallHopefulness · 12/06/2010 13:02

YAsooooNBU! Although I've only had one MC I've been TTC for a year and a half and I am sick of these kind of comments.

No wonder you feel like you do. I'm heartily sick of it and I've not had half of what you've been through.

All those 'you'd better get on with it' comments are sooo tactless. 'Oh sorry, thanks for reminding me that I have to have sex!'

catinthehat2 · 12/06/2010 13:06

"I'm afraid that subject is not up for discussion. We need to change the subject now - what crap weather we have been having"

No sorry, no fuck off, no I've had x miscarriages/have a genetic issue (ie nothing for them to get their teeth into behind yr back). It is off limits, out of bounds and they need to be told that fact.

Just do not engage, and if they continue, repeat the phrase until they get it.

roomonthebroom · 12/06/2010 13:06

I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time and people seem to think they have the right to comment.

When my DD was 18 months old I had an ectopic pregnancy and my mum and dad's neighbour- who didn't know- said to me 'are you not thinking of having another soon'. I just said 'no, too soon'. However, quite recently he said 'are you not having another baby yet, you'll be to old soon' so I said 'no, but I have had an ectopic pregnancy, 2 miscarriages, 3 failed IVFs and 3.5 years of infertility.' Fairly shut him up.

Not suggesting you necessarily do the same, but YANBU to want to tell people where to shove their advice, or alternatively, just to fuck off.

CastleDouglas · 12/06/2010 13:13

It's horrible when people make you feel shit over something that's out of your control. I'd go with the 'mind your own business' approach, that's what I do when people ask why I've so selfishly only had one child. You've got enough stress without insensitive twats adding to it (not that they know they're insensitive, but even so).

ProzacTheGiggleFairy · 12/06/2010 13:25

YANBU - I have had 1 mc then went onto concieving ds1 2 years later. After he was born I was diagnosed with secondary infertility & it took us 5 years of ttc (with 3 years of fertility treatment) to get ds2.

I got so fed up of the comments about "so when are you going to have another baby?" etc. So I ended up being very brutally honest & saying about the fertility treatment.

siilk · 12/06/2010 13:49

I really feel for you - people, I am sure, just don't think.
I had just started a new job. Most people knew that we had just lost our second child. It is a VERY small town.
However, another woman was chatting to me asking me all about myself etc. I tend not to talk about DS2 as I find it very difficult still. She kept pushing and pushing - why didn;t we have more childre, not to leave it too long, I was getting old etc.
I tried very tactfully to steer the converstion away, non commital answers etc, but it proved impossible. Eventually I just said that my DS2 had just died and could she give it a break.

siilk · 12/06/2010 13:50

opps didn't have more children,

thumbwitch · 12/06/2010 13:56

YANBU - people are too nosey/insensitive.
Depending on how rude you're feeling, you could ask them when they're getting their nose fixed, since it seems to be getting in other people's business too much.

I don't understand still why everything to do with children is seen in general as public property - when you're having them, what you're having, touching your bump, touching your baby - frequently when you barely know them! There must be other things to talk about, surely?

FortunateHamster · 12/06/2010 14:06

YANBU. It is a pet peeve of mine. I realise most people merely do it thoughtlessly, without malice and out of curiosity, but it is such a private thing.

mellifluouscauliflower · 12/06/2010 14:15

My favourite phrase in such situations is "I'll bear that in mind". I don't know why it works but it does!

thesecondcoming · 12/06/2010 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

secunda · 12/06/2010 16:29

There's nothing wrong with being an only child, btw, so don't feel guilty for not 'giving him a sibling'. Children do not need siblings. I know a lot of people who positively detest theirs.

If people say something annoying/offensive I generally tell them not to be so rude.

Lonnie · 12/06/2010 17:29

It is hard when people do that when you are ttc. I have had 6 m/c myself and yes comments hurt when you have just gone through it. YANBU in not wanting to be told relax and get a move on.. However YAB a little U over expecting people to mindread.. its the expected that once people have 1 child they go on to have at least one more and you are not saying "we only want the one" so people wonder why..

I agree tell them outright well we have been trying but sadly I have had several m/c and this is a painful subject hence I would appriciate you being a bit tactfull I think youw will find it will disapear.

and good luck I hope you get one happy worry free successfull pregnancy soon

StealthPolarBear · 12/06/2010 17:33

i do ask these sorts of questions but hope I'm sensitive to the STFU vibes - I'd certainly never say anything about relaxing or getting a move on - i hope!
sorry about your difficulties. fwiw i like tsc's suggestions