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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to want to screeeeeeeeeeeeeeam at my inlaws?

31 replies

arses · 12/06/2010 09:31

Three of my dh's siblings are GP's. I am a lowly Allied Health Professional who happens to be studying for a practitioner doctorate in my field.

Okay, so I don't know as much as them about many, many things. I can't tell you the signs of cancer and I've never heard of some of the things they need to spot on a daily basis..

BUT

I do know some things. Even some things unrelated to my chosen field because studying for a doctorate in any health care profession does - shock! horror! - enable you to read and understand research and there are some areas where I have read a lot of research as they were relevant to my own life. Breastfeeding is one of these areas.

This weekend, GP sibling 1 is visiting. She is pregnant. She mentioned she wanted to breastfeed, asked me for my experiences..
so I told her that I wished I hadn't given formula when he was 10 days old as it negatively impacted upon my supply: that if I had to go back, I would have fed more frequently and expressed and refed after feeds as the formula played havoc with my supply.

GP lady: "That's just not true. A lot of babies need formula in hospital, it makes no difference to breastfeeding".
Me: "Perhaps some do but my understanding of it now, having done a lot of reading because I was so obsessed with it, is that the research says that introducing formula in the early days can impact on breastfeeding management" (obviously this is paraphrasing!)
Her: "With all due respect, you must have read it wrong. That's not true. Introducing formula makes no difference whatsoever to breastfeeding".

She was adamant that introducing formula was necessary for "most" babies under 7lbs and that it would not make any difference to the breastfeeding relationship. I really didn't want to create a massive argument so I made some comments and moved it on, but everything I said was met with a 'oh I don't think you've read that research right' combined with - get this! - rolling eyes! I was just incensed that she would roll her eyes at me and tell me I couldn't read research or guidelines properly. Yes, I get it, she has had years of training to be a doctor and fair dues to her. However, my training is specifically (if you think about what a doctorate is) in reading and evaluating research and I happen to have read pretty much everything I could get my hands on about early breastfeeding management and categorically know that supplementation negatively effects supply.

The real issue here, of course, is that my GP inlaws are viewed as Gods in the wider family.. and so this 'advice' on feeding (and other helpful nibbets like how I should be putting baby rice in my 17 week olds bottle to help him sleep) is viewed as sacred, whereas on the other hand, despite the fact I generally keep my profession out of all family discussions if I can at all help it, on the rare occasions I have given advice to family members on request have it torn to bits!!!

I wasn't even intending to 'advise' here but it was still ripped to shreds, I should have just kept it to my own experience but I couldn't help myself. Then she asked about my labour and everything I said, she said 'well that's quite common you know', like WTF? She was REALLY critical of me taking gas and air for a particularly lengthy excruciating vaginal exam at the outset (took three women to find my very posterior cervix through contractions). "What? You didn't even manage that without pain relief??". It's not a fucking competition love!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

OP posts:
cory · 12/06/2010 09:38

Silly woman. Being a GP does not make you a specialist on every aspect of medical care. When my baby was having difficulties feeding in hospital (hypotonic) the very breast-friendly hospital gave her donated milk out of a cup precisely so as not to mess up our feeding, and spent hours working on her latching on. They were adamant that if I wanted to breastfeed, they were not going to offer a bottle.

bearcrumble · 12/06/2010 09:44

She sounds like an absoulute nightmare. Maybe email her some of the articles from academic journals about it with the relevant bits highlighted? I know it is a bit petty but I would be fuming.

I wish doctors weren't like this. Some aren't, but a lot of them are.

marriednotdead · 12/06/2010 09:48

I presume this will be her first dc? If she was so sure about it all, she wouldn't have asked for your opinion.
She sounds pathetic, and you should strangle pity her.
Say nothing more, she will learn the hard way very shortly when her dc arrives!

abbierhodes · 12/06/2010 09:48

Say nothing more now. Smile sweetly in a few months when she's feeding her baby formula because breastfeeding is too fucking hard, and recovering from her epidural.

I was a wonderful earth mother type until I gave birth to my PFB. The best punishment for the smug childless is having kids eventually!

Oh, and you don't need to compete with her on a medical level- you are a mother, she is not. Simples!

KERALA1 · 12/06/2010 09:52

My SIL is a GP and is treated as a minor deity in DP's extended family (none of whom went to university). Shes actually very nice but I find their attitude hilarious/annoying depending on what mood Im in. DH and I being mere lawyers are definitely bottom of the heap

backtotalkaboutthis · 12/06/2010 09:57

Oh she is going to get a shock.

You probably know more about breastfeeding than she does, I'm sure of it. I'm absolutely sure of it.

bbreeeeeatheeee

You are right, she is wrong, never discuss with her again. Work out how you will deal with it in future.

And any more eye-rolling I would say

Did you just roll your eyes?
Why did you roll your eyes?
That's so rude to roll your eyes at me like that, why are you being so rude?

You do know more than her, way more. Just say "I know more than you about this". She won't believe you but it will piss her off. "Oh but I'm a doctor" "Yes but I know more than you about this". That will really piss her off.

diddl · 12/06/2010 09:57

Most babies under 7lbs need formula?

May I say she´s a twät?

Having had a baby of just over 1kg-may I say that at no time was formula ever ever suggested.

In fact when baby was still in hospital & I wasn´t, there was a service to collect your breast milk, so determined were they that if you were breastfeeding everything would be done to help.

And if breastmilk was going to be out of date before you could use it, it was offered to other women if you wanted.

Sorry, ranted there.
Although, if you gave the occasional bottle, I would have thought your supply would build itself up again?

Only thinking that initially I didn´t express at night, but obviously when baby came home & needed night feeds, there was milk there!

Curiousmama · 12/06/2010 09:59

Please update us once her PFB is born

Agree pull her up on eye rolling. Cheeky bugger!!

GerbilMeasles · 12/06/2010 10:00

YABU, but only because you should slap her hard as well as screaming. Stupid cow.

I suspect that the family are very big on academic learning and know fuck all about practical experience. She asked for your experience and then rubbished it because your actual experience means nothing compared with the theory she's read/the preconceived notions she's harbouring.

Her comments on your labour are completely bewildering - I wouldn't presume to comment on how someone's labour should/shouldn't go and the pain relief they may have needed, because even though I've done it twice, I know that my personal experience doesn't translate to someone else's personal experience.

She does sound a complete nightmare. Poor baby if she doesn't stop looking upon this as a competition.

RubyReins · 12/06/2010 10:07

My friend was told to give her 9 week old bread and jam by her GP when the baby had a tummy bug... The font of all knowledge they are not.

You were speaking from your own experience as well as supporting your views with research which it doesn't sound like she had read. Of course YANBU!

My cousins are doctors and revered by many in my family as a result. I might be a lawyer but I will never be viewed as a "proper" lawyer by many of them .

Rise above it doll! She's likely in for one hell of a shock in a few months and you can respond with eye-rolling if you are as petty minded as me

bearcrumble · 12/06/2010 10:09

diddl - really? Mine was 1.95 and he did have formula for the first 8 days (supplemented with my milk) through an NG tube. There was no breastmilk bank at the hospital but they did encourage me to breastfeed each feed but he would get exhausted quickly and he'd have to have the rest through his tube.

I was expressing from day 1 though - first by hand + collecting with a syringe and then from about day 5 when milk proper came in with the hospital's pump. Woud feed first then hed get breastmilk + formula through tube then I'd go and pump. Gradually the proprtion of formula to BM went down. By the time we left it was all beastmilk (given in the normal way) and the tube had been out a couple of days.

I don't think it would have been possible to breastfeed hm entirely from the start given how weak he was and how exhausted he would get after only a minute or two of sucking.

siilk · 12/06/2010 10:09

I come from a medical family. Everyman and his dog is a doctor of some type (I'm not I opted to do something else ). GP's are viewed as minor Drs who know a lot about a little and quite low on the pecking tree really, nothing special!

Your SIL sounds like a major pain. Wait until she actually has to give birth and parent!

diddl · 12/06/2010 10:14

Thinking, he may have had formula for very first feed before I had expressed.

But after that, all expressed bm until he could feed himself.

diddl · 12/06/2010 10:15

In fact I´m sure the thinking was that breast milk is more easily digestible so obviously the best option.

BaronConker · 12/06/2010 10:16

She sounds like a nob. I have a friend who's a GP who's a bit like that, and it always astounds me and makes me fume silently. My own parents are both doctors, my mum a GP, and so are huge swathes of my family, and they would never DREAM of spouting like and sounding like know-alls, so I find it shocking when other doctors do. I would think that most sensible GPs would realise that book-learning and even on the job experience can't teach you everything, and that sometimes it can be useful to just listen and learn something new from someone who's been there.

GerbilMeasles · 12/06/2010 10:23

I don't think it's because she's a doctor, though that's clearly what gives her the opportunity to feel superior to you on all matters pertaining to health. You get the same know-it-all attitude from knobs of all professions. Some people just think that they're the resident expert on absolutely fucking everything in the world, just because they can read a book or two.

Tis not the way that reasonable human beings operate, no matter how much they might know about a particular subject (and in fact, the most intelligent people I know are incredibly open to new ideas, even in their own field of expertise - that's how they get to be experts, by constantly questioning and reassessing).

Anyone who rolls eyes at people for expressing an opinion which has been asked for is a twunt, and should be taken out and shot before they contaminate the gene pool.

anyabanya · 12/06/2010 10:33

YANBU. What an awful experience. patronishing cow.

I agree with GerbilMeasles... you are only BU in that you did not smack her one.

backtotalkaboutthis · 12/06/2010 10:38

I agree with Gerbil too and have a standing ovation for

"Anyone who rolls eyes at people for expressing an opinion which has been asked for is a twunt, and should be taken out and shot before they contaminate the gene pool".

rofl

giveitago · 12/06/2010 14:32

Well, once baby born she'll be surviving and her gp training and excellence in interpreting research will just go out of the window.

This is about professional superiority and you'll always get it from people like this.

Lonnie · 12/06/2010 17:52

OP next time ask her to produce the research she clearly has done on this as the NCT LLL ASBM BFN and lactation advisors all over the UK and the world clearly need to be informed about this.

If she goes funny simply state again "please back your claims up with research" or say "this is not my understanding of current research but obviously if you can show me the research I shall be interested to read it"

and dont get me started on gps and BF lol

poppymouse · 12/06/2010 22:59

What a cow! I don't think it's worth bringing it up again, but next time she asks for your advice, have a line ready that is not too rude or sarcastic (you want to keep the high ground) but along the lines of "tbh, last time you asked about my experience, you didn't seem to like what I had to say, so maybe it's better I don't tell you what I think." Ha ha on her when baby comes and she finds out there is nothing you can read that prepares you for the reality.

For what it's worth, I was advised to top up with formula and never got back to full BFing.

funnysinthegarden · 12/06/2010 23:01

scream away arses. May I join you?

Sidge · 12/06/2010 23:08

Well IME GPs know fuck all about breastfeeding, so next time ask her just how much clinical training she has had on infant feeding and parenting.

She's going to get a surprise when she has her baby!

Ingles2 · 12/06/2010 23:09

what a bloody know it all... don't offer any helpful suggestions, just smile smugly and watch her make crap decisions for her baby (poor sod)
I'm starting to think GP's know fuck all...rather like the one recently who told me, that ds1's arm was not broken, when I thought it was...
waited a day before taking him to A&E, to discover, it was ,indeed, broken.

TakeLovingChances · 13/06/2010 06:13

My DH is a GP and as much as I love him and as wonderful as he is, I have to admit a) he struggles a bit with common sense, and b) he knows much much much less than I do about bfing...

I'm currently bfing our 15 week old PFB and I have read stacks on bfing and relayed a lot of it to him. Suffice to say his bfing knowledge wasn't too rounded before.

OP, I feel your pain. YANBU!

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