to be getting a bit fed up of friend and her ttc?

[DetectivePotato]

A friend of mine is ttc. She has told everyone so its no secret. Its only been 5 months but she is already going on about secondary infertility (she has a DC already). Not a sentence passes her lips without her mentioning "if I'm not pregnant" or " If I'm pregnant". Now its the ovulation tests and constantly asking another friend what she did with regards to temperatures and diet. Other friend had problems but she had a gynae condition.

We took years to conceive DS, me and DH had problems, told it would probably never happen. Now I'm pregnant again after trying once and expecting it to take ages again.

Friend conceived her DC straight away so expected this to be the same. After the 2nd month she said she wasn't used to ttc. Now she is going to go to the docs and tell them its been over a year just so they will test her and her DH.

This bugs me because of what we went through but I am getting really fed up of hearing about it now. AIBU? I probably am but it is driving me mad. Plus now that I'm pregnant, any time something about my pregnancy comes up, she mentions about when she will be pregnant too. Friends have offered to have my DC but she says "don't forget my DC when I have my next one" I've told her she needs to relax as it won't happen otherwise (which I do know is much easier said than done).

Arggghhhhhh.

YANBU if she is going on about it constantly when it has only been five months, when it takes the average couple six months anyway, and most people conceive within a year.

However YABU in telling her it won't happen unless she relaxes. Utter nonsense. If she has a medical problem that she doesn't know about that's preventing conception, relaxing will do nothing for it. Relaxing might take her mind off it, but that's it. Even if she's of perfect health it's not that unusual for it to take a while.

Most people who've been through infertility hate the 'relax' line, am curious as to why you would use it on other people!

Because it was when I relaxed that I got pregnant. I knew we were about to start treatment, so I thought, "bugger it, we're getting help soon anyway".

And I have heard many many other people say the same thing.

It sounds like she is just irritatingly self-obsessed. Not sure that it is really about the conceiving, tbh.

Well as someone who suffered infertility for three years, I find it ridiculous to think that I never relaxed during that time. Of course I did. I went on holiday, occasionally had a drink, did not always worry.

You got pregnant because some good sperm met a good egg, imo. Personally, I don't think relaxing had anything to do with it, but whatever works for you.

What if there is something biologically wrong with someone that is making them not conceive? Do you still think that is to do with relaxing?

Best of luck dealing with your friend.

YBU.
It's hard work this TTC lark.
It can consume you.

Maybe she just needs support and reassurance from her friends.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

YANBU she sounds annoying. I firmly believe in not taking your friends for granted. They care about you, yes, but that's not an excuse for being tedious company

I don't mean relax like go on holiday and go out etc. My friend does go on nights out often. I mean not be so totally obsessed with getting pregnant and talking about secondary infertility when it has only been a few months.

Dog she doesn't seem self obsessed about anything else. It does just seem to be this.

YANBU but if its that bad why the hell doesnt she find the cash for ivf. Maybe that would shut her up. Sorry if that seems harsh. I knew someone who wanted a kid badly but after listening to her constanty worry she did the opposite of everything I said. I was the one about to lose my womb (thankfully it didnt happen) and she had little consideration for that.

I so don't want to mention IVF, I think that would make her worse. I said the average couple can take up to a year to conceive but she expected it to be quick because it was the first time. If me or my other friend bring up our conditions, I can tell she is wondering if she has them. IMHO 5 months is not a lot of time.

YABU. So basically she isn't entitled to worry or moan because she hasn't been through years of trying and bad news like you?
Lets look at the situation here:
You are pregnant with your second child - congratulations. She isn't and she wants to be and she is in new territory with trying and failing. Yes it's likely within a year that she will conceive - but neither of you know that and you should know better than anyone how hard that waiting is. I think you need to cut her some slack. Exactly how often do you think you cried on her shoulder in your years of ttc?

"YANBU but if its that bad why the hell doesnt she find the cash for ivf."

Wow is it that easy? Maybe she's concerned because she knows that they couldn't afford that (as I'm sure many can't, I sure as hell couldn't).

Agree with Northern. I've been through a lot, 6 miscarriages, have pcos and problem pregnancies but I wouldn't compare everyone to me and feel that if their problems weren't "as bad" as mine then it wasn't relevant. Everyone's problems are bad to them and make it really hard to cope.

I didn't cry on her shoulder. The friends I have now are friends I have made through toddler groups. And I didn't tell anyone we were trying to conceive. Close family knew about my operations and that was it.

I know I need to cut her some slack. I know I am being slightly unreasonable but it is getting more frequent and it seems to be everything she says now. Another example was my friends telling me they are very touchy feely with bumps and will probably be sat next to me feeling my bump (later on) and she says "you can feel mine when I have one".

I know she is desperate and I feel bad for her but its just starting to grate when its all the time.

She is being a bit unreasonable if she is talking about secondary infertility after only 5 months.

But, I agree it gets my back up when people say that it won't happen if you don't relax. Dh and I ttc for 7 years. When I finally did conceive (successfully) I was in the worst frame of mind, we had convinced ouselves that this was our last try (I felt like I couldn't spend my whole life trying to get pregnant), and the last time I had successfully conceived it had ended up with me having a molar pregnancy, which led to having nearly a year of chemotherapy, and not being able to ttc for a year due to the risk of abnormalities - in short, I was terrified at the very thought of trying again, let alone actually succeeding!

I do think you are being inconsiderate to your friend though, as you must know, when you are ttc, every month is a reminder of how you have failed, and it is doubly hard when people around you are pregnant.

YABU

It is what matters most to her right now. She's worried. She'd probably like your second DC to be of a similar age. You're her mate. Put up with it.

The 'relax' thing is complete and utter nonsense. If conception was anything to do with relaxation women wouldn't get pregant from being raped in war zones. Sorry. Likewise, the people who desperately don't want to get pregnant who do...

The only credible link between relaxation and making babies is that a relaxed person is possibly more likely to want to have sex ergo increasing chances.

Sorry, bee/bonnet.

It would do my head in and it took me 2 and a half years to get pregnant with my DS so i am no stranger to fertility issues. I have a friend who had a baby after we had been trying about 2 years and then decided she wanted another immediatly and before she had even started activly trying she was going on about how it was going to take her ages 'cos she had blocked tubes etc etc. Her 2 babies were a year apart in the end, blocked tubes my arse! I wanted to kill her in the end.

Your friend is being hugely unreasonable to lie to the Drs to get tests.

yabu. ok it's probably a bit boring for you to hear her comments, but given you are PG and she is not then it's a bit unfair to resent her positive thinking type comments about when she next has her next child.

YABU and you don't sound v supportive. I became "obsessed" with ttc our 2nd after a successful pg then a mc which completely floored me.

the "relax" line can often make people who're ttc want to punch the person who said in in the face.

However she is bu if she's lying to GP to get the tests. How old is she? you can go after 6 months if after 35. Also I know it's v v expensive to go private but my colleague has said she wishes she'd just gone private for infertility treatment straight away as she's had a nightmare with the nhs. She went age 35 after trying for 15 months and now age 38 she's finally getting her first round of IVF. She's saved up some cash in the meantime for future attempts if needs be.

YABU. She's your friend. She's having a hard time getting her head around the fact that it isn't happening as quickly for her this time. You should be supporting her.

I think YANBthatU to be fed up of her utterly self-centred conversation - except that maybe she doesn't want to hear about your pg when she is so desperate herself, so in mentioning your happy state to her, YABa bitU and possibly insensitive.

However - I completely disagree with her lying to her GP in order to get tests ahead of time - what a potential waste of money, when she could get pg next month perhaps!

Maybe you should have break from each other - sounds like you both need it.

detective i totally understand what youmean about 'relax'. i think YANBU.

i know you mean relax in the sense of, stop making everything about being pregnant. it worked for me after 9 months when i finally decided i wasn't going to let it become me.

i also understand how irritating it can be for someone to be constantly referencing everything to one certain thing (not talking specifically about pregnancy) just because it irritates you does not mean you aren't supporting her but her behaviour is making it difficult for you do do that.

i worked with a girl for a few years who jumped from one obsession to another and whilst we were all trying really hard to give her the support she needed it was very hard when her mood dictated the atmosphere in the office for weeks at a time.

I am trying to be supportive to her. I don't know what else to say to her really.

I guess the thing that really grates is the lying to get tests. She said it was 6 months if you are over 30. I did tell her it was over 35 but she didn't believe me.

I also sent a text earlier asking if she had a good night last night (it was a friends birthday), she said it was ok, then said she was looking on the net for food that would increase her fertility. It is non stop and getting worse but I can't turn around and say "can you ease off a bit please"

I'm also not going to pretend that I am not pregnant. Last time I had no friends to enjoy it with, this time I have some amazing friends that are very excited for me. We also weren't sure if we would be able to have anymore as my gynae issue hasn't gone away so I am very excited to be pregnant, not that I am going on about it too much to her as I don't want to appear insensitive.

I also cant really have a break from her. I've tried to do stuff with a couple of friends at a time, not exclusively excluding this friend at all. We share a group of friends and go to the same toddler group and if I suggest something with a friend or 2, everyone seems to get invited along. I know its driving my DH mad too when we do things as couples with some of our friends, and others ask if they can tag along too.

can't really see how relaxing has ANYTHING to do with it.

yabu.

Because I don't know what else to say to her! Sympathy and tact are not my storng points. I have no idea what I am suppose to say to people half the time.