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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be getting a bit fed up of friend and her ttc?

50 replies

DetectivePotato · 11/06/2010 23:41

A friend of mine is ttc. She has told everyone so its no secret. Its only been 5 months but she is already going on about secondary infertility (she has a DC already). Not a sentence passes her lips without her mentioning "if I'm not pregnant" or " If I'm pregnant". Now its the ovulation tests and constantly asking another friend what she did with regards to temperatures and diet. Other friend had problems but she had a gynae condition.

We took years to conceive DS, me and DH had problems, told it would probably never happen. Now I'm pregnant again after trying once and expecting it to take ages again.

Friend conceived her DC straight away so expected this to be the same. After the 2nd month she said she wasn't used to ttc. Now she is going to go to the docs and tell them its been over a year just so they will test her and her DH.

This bugs me because of what we went through but I am getting really fed up of hearing about it now. AIBU? I probably am but it is driving me mad. Plus now that I'm pregnant, any time something about my pregnancy comes up, she mentions about when she will be pregnant too. Friends have offered to have my DC but she says "don't forget my DC when I have my next one" I've told her she needs to relax as it won't happen otherwise (which I do know is much easier said than done).

Arggghhhhhh.

OP posts:

compo · 12/06/2010 19:08

I think tge friendship muight have run it's course
to be so irritated by someone usually tells me I don't want to be friends with them anymore

lovechoc · 12/06/2010 19:27

five months isn't a long time but when you are TTC and everyone else around you is pregnant everywhere you look, then suddenly five months seems like a very long time to have not fallen pregnant by.

It took me ages second time (there will be 3.3y between DS1 and DS2).

She needs to find a hobby and get engrossed in something non-pregnancy related and that way she won't even be thinking of falling pregnant and it will happen suddenly. That's how it happened with me. I just got fed up waiting and waiting and so I decided to take up other interests then a few months later I found out I was expecting again.

diddl · 12/06/2010 19:34

YANBU.

Why do people tell anyone else that they are TTC?

There were only ever 2 people who knew when that was happening!

brimfull · 12/06/2010 19:35

yanbu
I tried for dd for 3 yrs ..am sure I bored everyone with it ..she needs to be told to keep it quiet, others will have been trying for a lot longer than her.
btw it took us nearly 10 yrs to conceive ds , I learnt not to talk about it .

CarrieDaBabi · 12/06/2010 19:38

i agree with compo

BritFish · 12/06/2010 19:42

YANBU, i understand its not so much that she's talking so much about trying to conceive, its that shes making every conversation about her and trying to conceive, when you can be talking about something completely irrelevant. she is being inconsiderate to her other friends and to her poor DH, id be mortified if my other half was blabbing all about our fertility problems.

you need to support her, but she also needs to back off making everything about her. trying to conceive or not, shes being selfish and making you feel uncomfortable. i do hope she relaxes soon, it does seem a little early to be panicking.

also, i have full faith in the 'its happens when you stop trying' thing. its got no factual basis, but it seems to happen a lot!
has happened to me loads, everything comes along when you stop trying/looking

tulpe · 12/06/2010 20:18

This is a tough one.

I feel for your friend (having conceived DS1 first try, it took 3 years and 2 mcs to conceive DS2). When you have conceived very easily first time around, it can come as a big shock when it doesn't happen a second time. You also need to remember that when your sole focus is TTC, every day is a count down to something - counting down from CD1 to ovulation, from ovulation to possible CD1 but hopefully BFP. It is a relentless cycle (no pun intended) and is emotionally exhausting.

Being told to "relax" in order to successfully conceive is basically telling a woman it's her own sodding fault she isn't pregnant. Please, don't offer that as advice.

I agree that lying to her GP to force tests she isn't actually entitled to, would be problematic for me too. I was desperate for answers but unfortunately, if you can't afford to go private, you need to accept the general rules & regs which affect all women TTC and wait patiently.

Everywhere you look, other women seem to be pregnant.

She needs some help and support. You were able to hide your pain and "get on with life". Sadly, she isn't. I know it must be tough and boring for you to listen to relentless TTC talk. Is there no way you could share your experience from first time around and try to talk to her about how you feel unable to support her constant need for TTC talk?

ClaireDeLoon · 12/06/2010 20:24

I think tulpe said it all.

Original poster

DetectivePotato · 12/06/2010 21:12

Thanks. Some really good replies here.

lovechoc great advice. I got on with things when TTC DS. Trained for a different job and generally got out a bit more. Was looking at possibly going back to work (although my other health problems meant it wasn't really an option but I was fed up at home) when I found out I was pregnant. I really believe its because I got on with something else.

diddl No idea. Friends before asked me if I was and I was evasive. Its not info that I want to share with anyone really. When I said I was pregnant, a few people said "oh I didn't know you were trying". Ummm, because I think it adds pressure so I didn't want to tell anyone. I did hint at this to my friend once. I told her that when I was trying I wouldn't be telling anyone as I would feel added pressure. She tells the world about it.

ggirl Glad it happened for you in the end. That is a looonnggg time!

"Is there no way you could share your experience from first time around and try to talk to her about how you feel unable to support her constant need for TTC talk" Good advice, any idea how I actually say it? As I said I'm not a very tactful person and don't explain myself well at all. She does know about my previous problems, but I don't know how I say that I am unable to support the constant ttc talk. I could say that but I'm a wimp and don't say anything to anyone.

OP posts:

Goldenbear · 12/06/2010 22:00

Is it that you're are being a wimp or just being a but lazy about being supportive to her. You come across as though you don't care. I mean why is she so obsessed, she is obviously very worried and you don't sound like a good enough friend to care?

Original poster

DetectivePotato · 12/06/2010 22:10

Its not me being lazy about supporting her at all. As I have said before, I have no idea what to say really.

I don't mean to come across as though I don't care at all but it is annoying when it is every single thing that comes out of her mouth. If we plan an evening out or something, she always says "if I'm not pregnant" If someone says something about me being pregnant, she will turn it around to her, I can't remember a conversation that didn't revolve around her ttc or turning into about her ttc. When I texted today to see if she had a good time last night, her reply included something about her fertility. She gives details on when she has sex, when she wakes her DH up to have sex, that she lays with her legs in the air afterwards, that she is going to eat seeds, when she has taken an ovulation test and the list goes on and on.

I want to be a good friend to her but I am getting TMO overload I think and I also want to be able to enjoy friends comments to me without it turning into her ttc. I didn't have friends last time and I love that fact that they are really there for me and desperate to help out with the baby and me. I've never had such good caring friends before and it is amazing to me that they are willing to help in any way they can. I never realised before how good friends can be (trying not to sound really corny here, but I seemed to have always had crap friends before). Anyway, I have just completely gone off the point.

OP posts:

Original poster

DetectivePotato · 12/06/2010 22:11

Thats suppose to be "TMI overload"

OP posts:

Original poster

DetectivePotato · 12/06/2010 22:11

Thats suppose to be "TMI overload"

OP posts:

hazeyjane · 12/06/2010 22:17

It does sound as though your friendship has run its course, if she is irritating you this much.

The 'it will happen, when you stop trying' thing is just a huge pile of bollocks - sorry. I really wish people will stop saying it.

hazeyjane · 12/06/2010 22:18

'...would stop saying it' - gah, tired!

Goldenbear · 12/06/2010 22:19

Good friends come with effort though IMO- you can't just take the good and leave the bad. when friends are going through difficult times, liKe she obviously is, if you're a good friend you would try to understand her grief, not just feel like abandoning her.

Original poster

DetectivePotato · 12/06/2010 22:22

I never said I was going to abandon her.

I asked AIBU for getting fed up with the constant ttc talk.

OP posts:

muggglewump · 12/06/2010 22:23

Weeeeeeell, I perhaps am BU, bit I know folk like this.
They decide to TTC and turn it into a drama, they get pg, and that's a dramam, the baby is born, and you guessed it, yep, drama.

I don't really think it has much to do with TTC, more with drama queens, and I can't be doing with them.

I'd offload the friend if I were you.

secunda · 12/06/2010 22:24

Some people will use any excuse to make it all about them. Sounds like she is doing this. It's boring YANBU

ClaireDeLoon · 12/06/2010 22:25

Telling you when she's ovulating and having sex is a bit much, I'm not surprised you're fed up with that level of information sharing.

Bunnyjo · 12/06/2010 22:25

Well, we have been TTC no2 for nearly 2yrs with one mc in Jan '10 because of chickenpox. I do wonder myself if I have secondary infertility, but I think your friend is being a tad OTT. I have been trying for over 20mth with only one pregnancy (which occured after the 12mth mark). Plus, I ahve only confided in one friend as we are both going through the same (TTC 2yrs with one mc)

YABNU to be with her paranoia, but YABU to not realise that your pregnancy will have had an effect on her.

Goldenbear · 12/06/2010 22:31

Well yes YABU if she is a good friend. There is some irony in your comments in that you've never really had any good friends, you're annoyed the conversation is detracting from you and you're pregnancy. Ever thought how she must be feeling. I think you should abandon her if this is all you can offer as friendship!

Original poster

DetectivePotato · 13/06/2010 07:39

Golden we are still getting to know each other a bit. She only started coming to our toddler group in December so its not like we've been friends for years and I'm suddenly fed up of her.

OP posts:

lovechoc · 13/06/2010 08:51

I agree with plenty others about keeping TTC to yourself though - other people shouldn't be aware you are even trying because it can only add to the pressure.

I'm due next month and some friends/other mums still don't know I'm expecting DC2! If I happen to bump into them by chance they'll know, otherwise it's only close family and friends who are aware. Happy to announce the birth of the baby once he's actually here.

Chocolatedays · 13/06/2010 09:53

Have you suggested she joins the Mumsnet conception threads and Fertility Friends dot co dot uk?
She will find lots of support and lots of fellow women needing to talk through the lows (and hopeful highs) of ttc.
Both helped me cope with years of ttc, gave me a much needed outlet and were full of ideas, advice and support.

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