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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be considering taking my DS out of nursery?

32 replies

TheChicOfIt · 11/06/2010 11:16

DS is almost 23 months and has been going to nursery on a Friday since February (19 months).

For the first couple of sessions he was absolutely fine, but then he started getting really upset when I dropped him off in the morning - clinging on to me, crying his eyes out, trying to get out the door etc.

Apparently he is always fine after about 5 minutes, and is fine throughout the day. Anyway, last week they said he had been a bit upset in the day, and then this week they rang me at 9.40am to say that he was very, very unsettled. By the time I got there at 10.30am he was still crying and she said he had been like that since I had left .

As soon as I gave him a cuddle he was fine - we got outside and he started babbling away like normal.

He does have a bad cough at the moment, but he seems fine at home and it only bothers him at night.

I just feel really guilty as I am a SAHM and we only send him for his own development as we thought it would be good for him to mix with other children, etc. However there has been all this conflicting evidence over whether pre school education is good for this age group or not so I just don't know what to do.

I just feel like he has had a long time to settle in and he is still getting upset when I drop him off 4 months down the line.

I'm just a bit confused about what the right thing is to do.

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 11/06/2010 11:22

ah bless, I really feel your pain here

you will get alot of conflicting opinions here, but my gut is that he is still very young and why push it?

maybe see one last time but honestly life is too short, do something else educational instead

they dont have to start until they are 3, ages away. I think we have been conditioned to make them do waaay to much before the age of 3

they all cry when you leave them, but if hes sobbing all morning well thats just heartbreaking

Callisto · 11/06/2010 11:22

You don't have to send your child to nursery at all, ever. You don't even have to send your child to school if you don't want to. Your DS is very young still. If you want to keep him home with you then do so. DD didn't go to nursery or pre-school and she is perfectly normal and happy.

Chandon · 11/06/2010 11:23

Only you know wht is teh right thing to do.

FWIW, I am a SAHM and sent my DC to nursery 3 mornings a week when they were 2, I thought it would eb good for them, and good for me (some time off to get things done, and have a break).

It was really hard to get DS1 settled, I think the fact that I was a SAHM, and the guilt about me doing this for myself maybe more than for him, may have made me a bit more susceptible to his separation anxiety.

So I cancelled it, and tried again when he was old enough for playgroup. at 2 yrs 9 months..

With DS2 I did stick to it though, as at that time I was very stressed and anxious and really needed a break twice a week.

My determination to make it work, helped to make it a success.

So, like I say, it´s all up to you.

BessieBoots · 11/06/2010 11:25

Go with your gut feeling, OP. Maybe taking him to various playgroups will help with the social thing?

Hope you're okay, btw, it must have been horrible to see him cry like that.

BessieBoots · 11/06/2010 11:25

Go with your gut feeling, OP. Maybe taking him to various playgroups will help with the social thing?

Hope you're okay, btw, it must have been horrible to see him cry like that.

iamreallysilly · 11/06/2010 11:26

I'd leave it and try again when he's about 3, would think things like mum& tots groups, out with other friends, give enough 'socialising' at that age. Do u go to mum & baby group things? Pre-school ed is usually for age 3/4+. Do you have family, close friends nearby who could take him out now and again without you? to try to help in transition to nursery if he's normally with u all the time. If no, then childminder may be an option as that is more gentle intro to 'being without mummy' than busy nursey. I'm also sahm & my DS transition to nursery was bit difficult as he is sooo used to always being with me

MrsGravy · 11/06/2010 11:27

I'd take him out in that situation. He sounds like he's just not ready for that kind of thing yet. Can you take him to some groups yourself so he gets to socialise but is still secure with his mum?

I should think just going one day a week (but presumably all day?) is probably a bit unsettling for him too as it's too infrequent for him to get used to it.

griffaloschild · 11/06/2010 11:31

Not unreasonable - I feel your pain. I'm also considering taking DS out of nursery (and trying a childminder instead - as have to work) although he has only been going 2months is only 13months and is not as distressed as it sounds your little one was on that day. (so am going to give it a bit longer)

Maybe you should give it a couple of weeks to see how it goes, perhaps he is a bit under the weather, or perhaps it is just a stage he is going through. Do you leave him all day, if so could you just take him for the morning session?

Having said that if I had the chance I would keep him at home all day and try nursery at say 3 years?

ppeatfruit · 11/06/2010 11:32

Yes yes go with your gut feeling and that of yr. Ds there's plenty of time of time for them to 'socialise".

like most things DCs are all different.

ppeatfruit · 11/06/2010 11:33

Yes yes go with your gut feeling and that of yr. Ds there's plenty of time for them to 'socialise".

like most things DCs are all different.

backtotalkaboutthis · 11/06/2010 11:35

ah keep him with you

they do not need to be "socialised" at that age

ppeatfruit · 11/06/2010 11:36

Yes yes go with your gut feeling and that of yr. Ds there's plenty of time of time for them to 'socialise".

like most things DCs are all different.

Original poster

TheChicOfIt · 11/06/2010 11:36

I think it would probably be easier if he was perhaps going for a half day, but we chose to put him in for the full day as it was a lot cheaper to do that than to do two half days.

Thanks BessieBoots, yes I'm ok - always get a bit of a lump in my throat when I see him really upset, but looking at him now he looks totally fine - running round the living room.

The problem is that a lot of my friends have gone back to work so I don't see them very often, and there don't seem to be any mum and toddler groups locally - though I must look harder as I am sure there must be.

All my family live 400 miles away and DH's parents are elderly and only really capable of taking him for a walk in his buggy or an hour or so looking after him at our house. They can't even really lift him up so I wouldn't feel confident leaving him with them any longer.

I just thought that nursery would be good for him, but perhaps it would be better if we just leave it until pre-school - I have started applying for them anyway.

Thank you for the replies .

OP posts:

ppeatfruit · 11/06/2010 11:36

Yes yes go with your gut feeling and that of yr. Ds there's plenty of time of time for them to 'socialise".

like most things DCs are all different.

BudaisintheZONE · 11/06/2010 11:36

Agree that he doesn't have to be there so why put both of you through it. I put my DS in nursery when he was 2 and we lasted 3 weeks. I was so stressed and he was not enjoying it.

Eglu · 11/06/2010 11:39

DS2 went to nursery at around that age and it took him a long time to settle. It is a bad age for them to settle.

DS2 only went one day a week as I wa only working one day. This also isn't ideal. Your DS would be better if he went two morning possibly rather than one day. 6 days between going is a long time for a little person so it can take longer to settle.

If you are only sending him for development, then personally I would take him out and concentrate on spending time on going to toddler groups and that kind of thing for him to spend time with other children.

ppeatfruit · 11/06/2010 11:40

Apologies for the multi postings!! i'm having a problem actually posting anything usually!!

ppeatfruit · 11/06/2010 11:40

Apologies for the multi postings!! i'm having a problem actually posting anything usually!!

Original poster

TheChicOfIt · 11/06/2010 11:42

at ppeatfruit!

Going to look into toddler groups .

OP posts:

Feelingsensitive · 11/06/2010 11:42

I would take him out and try again in a few months. You will know when he is ready. I don't think its ideal to only go once a week as its big gap between sessions. I would look to put him in for 2 sessions a week once he was ready.

As for socialising - have a look at your local leisure centre. Mine is good for doing courses for pre school kids - dancing and alike. You go to so get to meet more people.

Netmums is good for finding out about local playgroups. You may also have a Sure Start childrens centre near you - details should be with your council.

abdnhiker · 11/06/2010 11:45

I had to pull my DS1 out of nursery (and quit work, it was a huge decision) because he was unhappy. He's now at a local preschool and loves it (he's turning four) and I think the difference is the time (2.5 hours versus 5.5 hours when most of the kids were full time). Do see if you can find something locally - my DS2 is starting at a local playgroup for a creche slot (2 hours, once a week) in August and this seems like a reasonable way for him to adjust to time away from me without being gone for long. DS1 comes home from nursery tired every day so I'm a believer in short sessions.

Or a childminder could be another good option. Another friend has her daughter at one who has other kids after school so that her daughter gets one on one time and then lots of kids to interact with.

Blondeshavemorefun · 11/06/2010 12:20

i dont think there is any point just sending once a week as to a child 7 days is a very long time and if you want to continue with the nursery to go twice a week, maybe tue and fri and maybe stay there for a session just playing with him so he gets used to the environment

but no, course you dont have to send for the social aspect,have a look on netmums at meet a mum and also M&T in your area

Original poster

TheChicOfIt · 11/06/2010 12:33

Yes, perhaps it wasn't the best idea to just send him once a week - hindsight is a wonderful thing - but he seemed to absolutely love it on his settling in days, and they do tell me that he is normally fine all day - he is only upset when I drop him off.

Anyway I think I will speak to DH about it tonight as it's his decision too, but I am sure he will agree.

OP posts:

sausagelover · 11/06/2010 12:45

I would stick it out if I was you, and try him for another month or so to see if he settles again. if he loved it to begin with and is normally fine then it may have been because he is under the weather, or just a phase of separation anxiety.

Meglet · 11/06/2010 12:50

Can you stretch to 2 mornings instead of the full day?

TBH it doesn't matter too much at this age and whatever you do won't be the end of the world. My dc's are at nursery as I work, but they've not had any problems and settled just fine so I'd not had to stress too much.

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