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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my dd's homework has nothing to do with me

38 replies

OctaviaH · 10/06/2010 16:50

Ever since she started secondary school, my dd has had full responsibility for her homework and I didn't even consider it any other way. I'll obviously give her some help if she asks for it but she hardly ever does. I never know what homework she has as and it's up to her to do it, or if she chooses not to do it, or not do it well, that's her choice but she has to face the consequences.

Just been reading the education threads and suddenly had a panic that I haven't been micro-managing her all these years. Wondering if I have put her at a disadvantage.

My DH and I both have very demanding full time jobs and share running the household and looking after parents and have barely any free time. My DD's only responsibility is to go to school and do her homework, which I believe is fair.

Have also been reading the higher education threads and have seen a lot of parents seeming very involved in their children's education choices which freaked me out- when the time comes, my daughter will choose where she wants to go and apply and visit on her own steam. My involvement will be to drop her off on the first day of term. And she will know that she has earnt her place.

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Ineedmorechocolatenow · 10/06/2010 16:57

I think it's a balance really, between no interest at all and micro managing Somewhere in the middle is good. Having conversations about how it's going, what she's got etc is healthy IMHO. Just as it's healthy to chat about other aspects of school, friendships, subjects she likes or doesn't like.

AhLaVache · 10/06/2010 16:58

My opinion is that she is responsible for the effort she puts in and the quality of her work.

I would assume she always completes her homework?

If there was reason to believe this was not the case then I would make a point of knowing what homework has been set and checking that it is handed in on time.

Tbh I would want to know this anyway just as a matter of interest. It would just be a subject for discussion.

I dont understand why you would be "freaked out" by a parent having some involvement in higher education - lots of children/young adults seek out advice from their parents about such matters. Part of the job innit?

GypsyMoth · 10/06/2010 17:00

i'm only interested in her english lit....i have nicked her copy of lord of the flies to re read!!

i leave mine to it too...yr 11 onwards....just ask if its done every now and again. parents evening would alert me to any problems

dd1 loves her history so historic stuff is watched as a family with her dropping stuff in

DuelingFanjo · 10/06/2010 17:01

OctaviaH - my parents left me to do mine and I always did in the end. I was an average student and no one pushed me to be anything other than average.

TheProvincialLady · 10/06/2010 17:02

"My DH and I both have very demanding full time jobs and share running the household and looking after parents and have barely any free time. My DD's only responsibility is to go to school and do her homework, which I believe is fair."

Beware. My parents had the same attitude and IMHO it stank. Most of my friends' parents showed much more interest in their studies - not micro managing, but just showing an interest. And it used to really rile me that they thought I 'only' had to go to school and do homework - it is actually incredibly intense learning for 5 hours a day and then coming home and doing some more, plus learning about how to be an adult etc and coping with friends/enemies. Perhaps you don't come across that way to your DD, but with my parents it was something that affected our relationship well into my adulthood. Apologies if I am on the wrong track.

Original poster
OctaviaH · 10/06/2010 17:04

obviously I know her exam results and I see her reports, and we often have long chats about her friendships and teachers. Same as sometimes I chat to her about my boss and coworkers, but the actual work never comes up.

DH and I take her cultural education quite seriously, we always buy/borrow books for her and all go to watch films and plays together. It's just that schoolwork is her own thing.

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Original poster
OctaviaH · 10/06/2010 17:06

AhLaVanche- as far as I know it all gets done, I haven't been summonsed to the school yet at least so that's what I'm assuming!

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seeker · 10/06/2010 17:08

How old is she?

muddleduck · 10/06/2010 17:08

My parents did a similar thing.
They made it very clear how important they thought school work was and that they were always there to help and to celebrate any achievements. Definitely no micro-managing. I hope to do the same.

IMO there is a world of difference between what you seem to be doing and the indifferent attitude that some posters seem to be interpreting.

mamasparkle · 10/06/2010 17:10

YABU to say it has nothing to do with you.

nickelbabe · 10/06/2010 17:10

I agree with you, Octavia - at that age it is her sole responsibility.
as long as she is aware that you are there to back her up should she need it, then you certainly don't need to "interfere" with her school work and homework.

if she complained to you about it, then you step in, or talk about it, but if she just doesn't do it, then it's up to her to take the blame for its lacking.

my own parents weren't able help with my homework, but they made sure i knew that i had to do it (and i always forgot, so they did often have to ask me if i had any so that i would remember to do it!)

Original poster
OctaviaH · 10/06/2010 17:10

TheProvincialLady- I didn't mean to talk as if school was not a draining activity. By 'only' I meant that she's not quite old enough to get a job and we don't give her chores. So school is the only responsibility she has, and so I can be reasonably sure sure that she's not overloaded with other responsibilities.

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amothersplaceisinthewrong · 10/06/2010 17:13

Here, here, Octavia. That was my attitude to two who are now into Higher Education. We were there to help if necessary (though I have to say that Double maths and Physics A levels were way beyond me!!), always went to parent evenings and acted upon concerns of teachers etc, but their homework was their responsibiltiy. My parents (both teachers) just left us to get on with our homework.

And I went nowhere near any universities when they visited . Fair bit of proof reading of personal statements though.

ZZZenAgain · 10/06/2010 17:15

dd doesn't get homework so have no experience of it really. My own parents didn't monitor/help with homework at all. I never asked them to but I might have appreciated some show of interest tbh. If they had been suggesting, let's google here, do this, do that, specifics would have irritated me but encouragement, involvement of some type would have been good.

I would have liked them to have generally been more active in furthering my education beyond school (whihc bored me brainless) and generally. They were great but I would have appreciated more tutoring, etc, being pushed a great deal more. I was that type of (very ambitious) child

I don't think homework shouldbe so beyond the reach of the dc though that dp have to start researching for their dc's projects etc. A friend of mine who works full-time spends her weekends doing this. If she didn't her ds would fail and have to drop out of his school type (overseas school - diff system to the UK)

CantSupinate · 10/06/2010 17:16

FWIW, I take the same attitude as you, and increasingly I take it from the first years of primary school age.

ZZZenAgain · 10/06/2010 17:18

actually I am not looking forward to homework and secondary really. Dd's school is so relaxed and her afternoons are free for her to follow her interests which is nice. I suppose that just isn't possible with the secondary curriculum and the need to get through all the exam material etc.

lazarusb · 10/06/2010 17:24

It is her responsibility but it's important to take an interest too.My dad put way too much pressure on me and I ended up on tranqs at 15 Find a balance. Don't rely on parents evenings to keep you informed either..a phone call to school occasionally doesn't hurt either. Make sure your dd knows she can turn to you for help/support regardless of your work commitments.

minipie · 10/06/2010 17:25

My parents didn't get involved before GSCE/A level years. No need to really IMO.

However, once it got to GSCEs/A level exams and coursework, they did a fair amount of "haven't you got work to be doing" as I lounged in front of the TV.

I think it was important that they did that, or I might never have bothered doing any revision. At that age I'm not sure I realised how important (with hindsight) exam results would be. So I'd be wary of saying "it's her responsibility" of my own DD.

GrungeBlobPrimpants · 10/06/2010 17:30

I dont think micromanaging is good - though I'd feel a bit uncomfortable if 'all' I knew was exam results. though I agree homework is her own responsibility, doesn't your school have a homework diary/parent-school agreement? All students have a homework diary which has to be signed by parent at end of week - just to confirm all homework done, or if any problems.

It's a useful prompt for a quick chat about 'so was maths OK this week then?', 'still hate French?' etc

zapostrophe · 10/06/2010 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

seeker · 10/06/2010 17:39

But don;t you need to know what the homework situation is before you make plans for the weekend?

MrsC2010 · 10/06/2010 17:41

I think there is a certain amount of responsibility that parents do have to take. Essentially younger teens are still children to an extent, for their own good they sometimes need reminding that homework/studying etc is more important than Facebook and computer games! It isn't a matter of being pushy, just of knowing that sometimes children don't always know (and can't be expected to know) what is best for them...long-term viewpoints aren't always their strong point! I appreciate that I am generalising, but I see so many bright kids at school who with just a little parental involvement could really fly, as it is...they drift a little.

As for higher ed, I agree with you to an extent. My parents certainly took an interest, and I'm glad they did. They had more capacity for understanding the elements that would be important long-term, as against 'this uni is closer to my boyfriend' type of thing. Applying, getting in etc was all down to me but they certainly helped and advised me. I think they saw it as part of their 'job', and I agree.

ladysybil · 10/06/2010 17:44

there is a difference between micromanaging and showing an interest.

Original poster
OctaviaH · 10/06/2010 17:54

Sometimes I'll look at her artwork and praise it (she's very good)or talk to her about a book she's studying....but tbh all maths and science knowledge fled my brain immediately after GCSE exams so no use there...I am interested in what she's learning and her ideas, I like witnessing her mature intellectuall. she's very bright and talented (imo) but the minutae of her homework is up to her.

I honestly believe that this will help her in life, that she will be better able to cope at university and work because I didn't hold her hand through school.

seeker- not really, sunday nights are always free and most weeknights for homework.

We're not at GCSE stage yet and have had no really important exams- I think I will have to start nagging more when that comes around, although that might be more my own anxiety than her needing to be nagged, if that makes sense.

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Original poster
OctaviaH · 10/06/2010 17:54

*intellectually

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