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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my dd's homework has nothing to do with me

38 replies

OctaviaH · 10/06/2010 16:50

Ever since she started secondary school, my dd has had full responsibility for her homework and I didn't even consider it any other way. I'll obviously give her some help if she asks for it but she hardly ever does. I never know what homework she has as and it's up to her to do it, or if she chooses not to do it, or not do it well, that's her choice but she has to face the consequences.

Just been reading the education threads and suddenly had a panic that I haven't been micro-managing her all these years. Wondering if I have put her at a disadvantage.

My DH and I both have very demanding full time jobs and share running the household and looking after parents and have barely any free time. My DD's only responsibility is to go to school and do her homework, which I believe is fair.

Have also been reading the higher education threads and have seen a lot of parents seeming very involved in their children's education choices which freaked me out- when the time comes, my daughter will choose where she wants to go and apply and visit on her own steam. My involvement will be to drop her off on the first day of term. And she will know that she has earnt her place.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 10/06/2010 18:07

I think it sounds like it works well for you and her. I think some schools do have a more parent-intensive for want of a better phrase atmosphere - which induces parents to get more involved in homework. I know a couple of my friends call up other parents on occasion and try and make sense of the dc's hw that way. I hope I don't have to have much to do with secondarymaths/physics etc because I also have blanked it all out tbh

DilysPrice · 10/06/2010 18:20

My parents' involvement in my schooling was restricted to kissing me goodbye at the airport at the beginning of each term and picking me up from the airport at the beginning of the holidays - I seem to have survived.
On the other hand I think a bit more support and encouragement may well be appropriate for university choice - or it may not, depending on DD and the support available from school.

MillyR · 10/06/2010 18:20

I think it is quite tricky because a lot of the education people provide for their children is done informally. So you may have a lot of cultural knowledge about plays and books, which you are passing on to your child and that helps them immensely in English.

Other people may be passing on lots of Maths or Science without ever doing anything formal, as that is their interest. So it is really hard to define what is too much or too little.

cory · 10/06/2010 19:03

As a university teacher, I do see a big problem with students who think it is somebody else's job to make them work.

I would hate if that was ever my dcs in a colleague's class.

So I would not actually take the responsibility for the actual doing of homework after primary school. I see it more as my job to talk to them, to share my enthusiasm about things, to listen to them when they talk of school, to let discussion grow out of what they do at school. To make it clear that I expect them to be interested and to want to find out about things. I also talk to dd (only child currently of secondary school age) about the implications of what she wants to do later, the need to aim at reasonably high marks and expand her knowledge of certain subjects.

gramercy · 10/06/2010 19:12

Clearly you do not have a ds! I don't exactly micro-manage him, more stand over him with a stick!

ZZZenAgain · 10/06/2010 19:14

are they getting more difficult hw than we used to get, does that have something to do with the parental involvement

MEnacing with a stick appeals to me a bit....

sarah293 · 10/06/2010 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Shaz10 · 10/06/2010 19:22

I'm with you Octavia. I never discussed my homework with my parents. Didn't see the point. Still did it.

Portofino · 10/06/2010 19:26

The hands off approach is certainly what I had. I was expected to pass exams and not get a bad report though, or there would be hell to pay. The actual day to day stuff was entirely down to me.

I certainly did my UCAS entry and decided where I wanted to go all by myself. Jeez. you hear stories today of parents turning up at JOB interviews/places of work etc. I personally will probably be more proactive with dd's education.

BritFish · 11/06/2010 00:00

with my two, i asked how their day went at the end of each day, sometimes asked if there was somework, made sure i knew when exams were on so i could do the occassional "revision?"
i used to nag my DD until she told me in no uncertain terms that if i TOLD her to do it, there was no way in hell shed feel able to do it, needed to be on her own steam.
she wasnt wrong, minute i stopped nagging her, she did loads! how the mind works...

im a bit at this idea of school being incredibly taxing. im assuming this is for kids who need help and struggle in which case i agree, but for kids with normal ability they can handle it fine!
but then i dont understand why people think having a part time job would affect A level results [another rant]

BritFish · 11/06/2010 00:01

with my two, i asked how their day went at the end of each day, sometimes asked if there was somework, made sure i knew when exams were on so i could do the occassional "revision?"
i used to nag my DD until she told me in no uncertain terms that if i TOLD her to do it, there was no way in hell shed feel able to do it, needed to be on her own steam.
she wasnt wrong, minute i stopped nagging her, she did loads! how the mind works...

im a bit at this idea of school being incredibly taxing. im assuming this is for kids who need help and struggle in which case i agree, but for kids with normal ability they can handle it fine!
but then i dont understand why people think having a part time job would affect A level results [another rant]

2rebecca · 11/06/2010 00:06

I ask my kids what homework they have and ensure it gets done. The older one I often leave to her own devices as she's fairly consciencious but the younger lad needs a push to get moving and if I know he's got homework I don't let him do other stuff apart from a brief break when he first gets in until it's done.
If they have alot of homework on weekends then that may affect what we do so I need to know what there is and check it's finished.
I don't expect to be doing this when they are 15/16 but feel in the first few years of secondary school they need the message their homework is important.

scaredoflove · 11/06/2010 00:09

I followed the OP way

I would get told if they had done a particularly good piece or got a good grade but that is the total of my involvement. If they need help, they get it but it isn't very often

I know of parents that actually do the homework, they say they are helping but in reality, it's their work

If mine forgot to do any, they took the blame at school. Secondary is teaching them to learn about self study and time managment. Something mine all good at now

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