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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Interesting moral dilemma between dh and I

34 replies

Greensleeves · 10/06/2010 16:35

Well, it's interesting to ME anyway, and I would be grateful for your thoughts

dh and I pool and share all money and have joint bank account

however I am fucking hopeless, need to order a new card and don't know my bank details off by heart

I want to commit to a direct debit of £2.50 per month to the "send a cow" charity as I think it's a fucking great idea

but embarrassingly I had to ask the girl who came round to come back later when dh is there so I can use his bank card to givbe her our details

so I messaged dh and he got a bit snooty and said "it's a Christian charity" (we both see this as a drawback, generally) and "I'd rather donate to Wateraid"

I see his point and I don't want to fund missionary work either, but on the other hand I think the people being offered the cow are as well able to make their own spiritual choices as I am and the cow is still a cow!

however: should he be able to veto ME from donating to a chariy of my choice, either

a) because he earns a lot more than I do, or

b) because I can't actually donate without borrowing his bank card, or

c) because only I want to and the money is shared?

OP posts:

said · 10/06/2010 16:40

Well, assuming £2.50 a month is completely doable I would say he'd be churlish to veto anything. Comment? Yes. Veto? No. So, neither a), b) or c)

StealthPolarBear · 10/06/2010 16:40

not a or c, although if you were being picky you'd pick a total figure for charity donations and then split it in the same way you do your other household bills - 50/50 or proportionally

b maybe

JeezyPeeps · 10/06/2010 16:40

Can't you get the bank details from a bank statement or internet banking?

No he shouldn't be able to veto your choice of charity. I'm sure you can't stop him from choosing to buy a pint after work or sponsoring a colleague? If it was a major purchase I would understand.

But FWIW, I think you should get your bank card ordered now!

mumblechum · 10/06/2010 16:41

a) Only if it's for fripperies

b) You need to get a bit more organised

c) You should be able to each donate a similar amount to a charity of your choice.

Lizcat · 10/06/2010 16:41

I am very fond of this charity for a number of reasons. I think you should have a look at the website and as the christian element is sharing acquired knowledge and when their cow has her first female calf to give it to another family therefore spreading the benefits. There is no link to church attendance for the beneficiaries .

itsatiggerday · 10/06/2010 16:42

Hi, doesn't really answer your questions, but I know some of the people who run Send A Cow and there are lots who help who aren't Christians. There are no strings attached, the decisions on where the animals go etc has nothing to do with any kind of spiritual affiliations etc.

Angelcat666 · 10/06/2010 16:43

Agree with Jeezy, he shouldn't be able to veto your choice of charity.

Tell him you will donate the cow and he can donate to Wateraid.

emsyj · 10/06/2010 16:43

I wouldn't have thought that an expenditure of £2.50 a month was significant enough to require mutual consent to be honest. I wouldn't expect DH to stop me from spending that amount if I wanted to and we could afford it. We like to agree on large amounts of expenditure (e.g. DH really wants to get a horse and the ongoing expense of that will impact on our joint household finances so we both need to be happy with that decision) but minor spending like this should surely be up to you, regardless of how much you each earn provided that it is affordable in the context of your monthly disposable income.

muddleduck · 10/06/2010 16:46

hmmm.

tricky...

your uselessness is irrelevant (in this case at least).

I'd say that charity donations should be treated as any other expenditure. Would your dh veto your decision to buy a particularly uselss pair of shoes? IMO charity donations should be treated like a luxury purchase in that they are not things that you NEED to buy, so it depends on what your general attitude is to other 'useless' purchases. If your money is truly shared and you have a reasonable amount of disposable income, then neither of you can veto the other's purchases. But on the other hand I think that true sharing of money only works if neither partner 'takes the piss' so if your DH is very strongly against the purchase then you might want to listen, in the same way as you might consider his opinion when spending money on shoes. But this is not the same as a veto.

yama · 10/06/2010 16:46

No, he shouldn't be able to veto you from donating. For any of your reasons.

I give to Christian Aid. I am not a Christian. Dh is a committed athiest.

I give because I have researched what they do and agree with their small scale projects involving local communities (in the developing worl) in decision making.

Agree with JeezyPeeps's points too.

TheProvincialLady · 10/06/2010 16:47

Next time he buys a cup of coffee and a muffin, tell him you'd rather he had a glass of lemonade and a brownie.

What is it to do with him if you want to spend £2.50 of your joint money on a charity? Unless it was something really morally reprehensible to him, that is.

In sensible households the money is pooled and the biggest earner does not get to dictate the charitable donations of the smaller. That way lies all sorts of bad things.

MrsGangly · 10/06/2010 16:47

I'm a big fan of 'Send a Cow' so am a bit biased towards them! They are called 'Send a Cow' but contribute lots of different animals and schemes to people, so it is not just about dairy farming.

I don't know why the charity having Christian principles would be a 'drawback' though. Their help is not limited to people who are Christians or considering becoming Christians, but the charity was started because a group of Christian farmers wanted to help communities practically.

ChippingIn · 10/06/2010 16:58

Bankcard aside (order another and look after it!! )

It depends (as others have said) on how you normally view your spending money - do you have free reign to do as you please (buy coffee out, magazines, CD's etc) or do you agree beforehand how much you can each spend, what you spend it on etc?

Personally, I can't see that £2.50 a month is worth having a conversation over if it's something you are just a bit meh about, but if my DH was going to set up a DD to a charity I was against, regardless of the amount, I'd probably tell him what I thought about it!! (but not veto it as such!).

Original poster

Greensleeves · 10/06/2010 17:01

thanks everyone! I will assert myself then

I make no secret of the fact that I do not feel that Christianity is a force for good in the world. However I am also not narrow-minded enough to throw the baby out with the bathwater and refuse to support a project I think is very positive, on the grounds that the originators are Christians.

so a cow it is

OP posts:

Original poster

Greensleeves · 10/06/2010 17:02

if I'd had a bank card one me, I would have signed up for it without consulting dh, by the way. I do feel I have the right to do that as an equal partner.

OP posts:

hairytriangle · 10/06/2010 17:29

This is one of the many reasons I simply couldn't do the 'joint account' thing. Not sure what you should do, but I don't think YABU.

MrsGangly · 10/06/2010 17:56

"I make no secret of the fact that I do not feel that Christianity is a force for good in the world."

How sad to think that. I'm intrigued by why you might think that. Even Matthew Parris (an atheist) believes that Christianity IS a force for good!

As an atheist, I truly believe Africa needs God

MrsGangly · 10/06/2010 17:57

As an aside, I just remembered, your bank details are also on your cheque book if you ever need to find them.

maddy68 · 10/06/2010 18:07

I would never have a joint bank account - I have been married for 22yrs and manged quite well having my own account.
I would never feel comfortable having to justify my spending.
Also - if you buy a pressie for your DH you are buying it out of his money too and visa versa

runnybottom · 10/06/2010 18:50

I agree with your DH. Joint account is one thing, you can donate to who you like, but I wouldn't use my bank card to donate to a charity I had a moral problem with. Get your own card and do it yourself.

Original poster

Greensleeves · 10/06/2010 18:53

runnybottom my dh won't be so mean as to refuse to give me our bank details just because he happens to have the power to do so at the moment - I don't think he would get a kick out of making me ring up the bank or root out my cheque book just to make a point

thankfully he is more grown-up than that

the situation gave me pause for thought though, and has made me think about families in which one partner DOES have control over all the money - it must be awful not to be able to decide for yourself what to purchase/who to support

OP posts:

runnybottom · 10/06/2010 18:58

I don't think its being mean at all. My H and I have a joint account, and he does not need to ask mt permission to spend/donate et, but I would not physically pay for something I disagreed with using my card. It may be a meaningless distinction but they you go.

honeymom · 10/06/2010 18:59

Me and dh had have a joint account, but we also have "pocket" money in our individual accounts that we can spend as we please without consulting the other person

I wouldn't even think to ask dh about £2.50 tbh such a small amount would you ask him before you bought a cup of coffee?

foureleven · 10/06/2010 19:01

I shall refer the next person who judges our separate accounts to this thread..!

Original poster

Greensleeves · 10/06/2010 19:02

I would see your point if the partner were proposing to buy crack or something runnybottom, but to deliberately cause inconvenience over a £2.50 charity donation, on the grounds that the charity is run by Christians, would be pretty childish IMO

particularly as he knows I am going to do it anyway and he would simply be pissing me off for nothing

but hey, takes all sorts

OP posts:

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