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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Over reaction or take it further

55 replies

west3 · 10/06/2010 10:59

Genuine opinions and thoughts please. DD approached by local old man (in effect a stranger as we don't know him other than by sight) yesterday and was offered choc but told by him to ask me first and he would give it her when he next saw her. DD reported it to me after school and I said if he approached her again to say no thanks and continue onto school. Walked dd to school today and i was approached asking if dd could have choc by same man. He's not allowed it and doesn't want it to go to waste. I said no thanks and dd continued onto school, man not bothered and says no problem re choc. DD went into school upset and reports she has been offered choc, mum said no but man approached again after mum left (??). Headteacher now involved and has contacted police, not sure if required in my opinion. My thoughts are that it was innocent and he was being nice if not very foolish. What does everyone think - innocent but foolish or something more sinister?

OP posts:
AvadaKedavra · 10/06/2010 11:42

Nobody can say what his intentions were, I don't think it's heavy handed to get the police involved at all.

ShirleyKnot · 10/06/2010 11:47

Agree Fab.

There is a reason we teach children not to take sweets from strangers; don't think the OP's DD over reacted at all and am feeling about the whole thing myself.

How confusing for a child to be told..Don't take sweets from strangers, except that one, he looks alright to me.

Original poster
west3 · 10/06/2010 11:50

Agree it is a blanket "no sweets from strangers" but still think he was just trying to be friendly but very foolish. Very mixed up over this with lots of thoughts - head vs heart etc. As I haven't spoken to dd yet as she is still at school need to get her views tonight.

OP posts:
Limara · 10/06/2010 11:55

west3, You seem sensible and I'm sure the Police will be sensible and school only following protocol.

ShirleyKnot · 10/06/2010 11:56

If he approached your child again after you had said no to him, then that is more than foolish IMO.

Why is he fixating on giving the unwanted choc to your DD - surely there were other children's parents around that he could have asked?

Please don't accuse your child of over reaction when you speak to her.

Bucharest · 10/06/2010 12:08

West3, you do sound sensible and of course everyone is right about stranger danger.

The thing is though, stranger danger is very very rare. When it happens, a child is molested/kidnapped and worse, it hits the headlines, as it rightly should.

But let's not ever lose sight of the (unpalatable) truth that the vast vast majority of child abuse goes on within the family walls. The paedo in the shadows is unlikely to be the old gimmer with the chocolates, and far more likely to be Grandad.

I've said it on every thread like this and will continue to do so, because it's the truth.

(FWIW dd also has been told not to accept things unless I'm there and say it's OK, and there is an old man near us, who I know is completely harmless, just a bit lonely who always wants to chat, and yes, I have crossed the road and pretended not to see him at times, but it would never ever cross my mind to think he was anything other than a bit lonely and a bit of a PITA)

pigletmania · 10/06/2010 12:34

Fab I hate that attitude that everyone is an abuser how sad is that! I am not saying that children should go up to random stangers and talk to them, but should be taught to exercise caution and some common sense.

Original poster
west3 · 10/06/2010 13:17

Headteacher just called, police have been to school and have spoken to her, they won't speak to dd. Police have done a check and nothing found and are taking the line that it was an innocent offer of choc to a young girl who he feels he knows cos she passes him everyday on way to school (although very rarely said hello or spoken to, maybe a polite good morning once or twice in 3 years). DD has been reassured by the school that she did the correct thing by reporting it, but she also has to be sensible and not "cry wolf". I agree that if indeed he did approach her again after I had gone then he was in the wrong but until I speak to her after school I am still not fully aware of exactly what she reported. Hope it isn't a partial "cry wolf" situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
west3 · 10/06/2010 13:53

Bucharest - I'm guilty of crossing the road and avoiding such people too. It is a shame that we find ourselves doing that kind of thing. Police have been on the phone and they are of opinion that what he did was inappropriate and foolish, he shouldn't be approaching any child he doesn't really know with the offer of anything and depending on what dd says to me tonight they are looking to draw a line under the incident. Hopefully we can just learn and move on

OP posts:
majafa · 10/06/2010 13:56

Because from what I see on some of the threads on Mumsnet, FAB, we are no longer allowed to 'be concerned' about our children, we are either precious,making them into namby pambys,or when they get to college ,uni blah blah blah, they wont be able to live in the real world etc etc

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 10/06/2010 16:14

@ majafa.

I think you are agreeing with me.

west3 - I am a little about the school saying to her about crying wolf. It sounds completely the wrong thing to say to a child about something like this and something you should have brought up with her.

annielouisa · 10/06/2010 16:48

I dislike the phrase cry wolf and I hope it does not get used too much about the OP DD as a child should feel comfortable to talk to their mother about anything that is a worry to them. Th OP knows their DD did not make up the man with the chocolate. I agree he probably had good intentions but her DD daughter should in no way feel admonished for sharing her concerns with her mother.

diddl · 10/06/2010 17:03

This is the sort of thing I could almost see my dad doing tbh.

He watches people going by & I´m sure he feels as if he knows them & that if he had something he didn´t want it would be OK to pop out & offer it.

DetectivePotato · 10/06/2010 20:13

I'm against the majority here and it would send a warning flag up for me. No one can say "oh he's probably harmless" etc. No one knows what his intentions are and I wouldn't want to hang around to find out. It wouldn't just be a man either. If a woman done this I wouldn't like it.

Pozzled · 10/06/2010 20:26

It sounds innocent to me. I can imagine some of my elderly relatives doing something similar, if they were given sweets they couldn't eat, they would want someone to make use of them. But it was definitely misguided.

OP, what did your DD say about it after school? If the man did approach her again after you left, that starts to sound more suspicious.

diddl · 10/06/2010 20:29

I think a lot of it depends if he approached the girl by herself again.

He did initially say to check with OP.

tethersend · 10/06/2010 21:14

He is frightening children- whether his intentions are honourable or not is neither here nor there. He needs to know that he must stop doing this. I would definitely contact police; they need to tell him to stop.

thesecondcoming · 10/06/2010 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

majafa · 11/06/2010 07:54

FAB - I re read my answer and thought [bush] oops..
Yes was agreeing with you..

Original poster
west3 · 11/06/2010 08:08

Some very long conversations and one sleepless night later (on my part that is, she was exhausted) here are the facts as dd told me last night

Fact - man approached her on Wed asked would she like some choc as he had some that he couldn't have. "Check with mum and I'll give it to you next time I see you"

Fact - dd told me re above and I said for her to politely refuse offer and carry onto school.

Fact - man approached myself and dd yesterday to offer choc with me present. I politely refused explaining dd couldn't have choc. Man not bothered and said would give to someone else. I said maybe not wise to approach kids on way to school. Conversation ended.

Fact - dd went into school, panicked and went and told teacher that she didn't like man talking to her and that he had offered choc but mum was aware.

This is where it gets tricky, dd was distressed and by her own admission exaggerated/lied about some of the details and nature of approach. As a result of this man was approached by headteacher and warned not to speak to kids as he had upset dd.

DD very upset at all trouble caused and is being taken to school early to apologise for actions yesterday. However, the issue still remains that the man still approached her, innocently or otherwise, and offered choc.

Feeling very lost, confused and sleep deprived. Will have to think things through more when head is clearer

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 11/06/2010 08:28

Which bits did she lie about?
And why did she lie - sounds as though she was upset/worried and panicked!

CwtchyBlueMama · 11/06/2010 08:35

Why did she lie? You were with her when he offered the choc the second time & she could see how calm you were handling the situation.

thesecondcoming · 11/06/2010 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

posieparker · 11/06/2010 09:15

How old is your dd? Can you walk her to school? Wouldn't it have been nice if the police could have gently warned the man about approaching children? This man could be grooming your child. This man could be totally innocent but rather out of touch and inappropriate.

StealthPolarBear · 11/06/2010 09:20

thats what i think tsc - it doesnt sound like she did it maliciously. the cry wolf comment by the school was unpleasant and will prob confuse her.