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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give my ds any dinner?

58 replies

GoHungry · 09/06/2010 17:07

Namechanged to protect my regular name from the flaming I might receive.

Ds was invited over to a friend's house today to play and then for tea. About quarter of an hour ago the friend's mum rang me to collect him as he was refusing to eat any tea because it was not yet 5:00.

So I have collected him, and have told him I am utterly ashamed that he has behaved so rudely a someone else's house to the point I have been asked to bring him home, and that given he'd been offered tea and turned it down he won't be getting anything now until breakfast.

He's seven btw, so plenty old enough to have some decent bloody manners.

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 09/06/2010 17:27

The other mother is a loon. Why would it annoy her so much that your DS didn't want to eat at 5? If he was rude about it, then she might have something to be annoyed about. Sounds like she is not v socially adept herself. Are you over reacting through embarrassment? Give the poor sod his tea and suggest some strategies for being asked to eat food at a different time/different kinds than he is used to.

AgentZigzag · 09/06/2010 17:28

'I'm a bit annoyed'

Getting stressed out with it

I think she needs to relax a little bit, don't take your lead from the mum, she sounds a bit anal TBH.

Sn0wflake · 09/06/2010 17:28

Please find out what he said...and be nice to him. Give him a cuddle and some food. YABU.

DaydreamDolly · 09/06/2010 17:36

YABU. But I think you got that message.

blackberryway · 09/06/2010 17:36

I think you're overreacting because the other mum completely overreacted and made you feel embarassed. Why did she ask him to tea if she's going to be so stressy about it?

No child should forced to eat to suit someone else and it's not as if he said anything rude in itself - just tried to give a reason. I think you'll be setting a bad example to him if you punish him for this. Give him his grub and talk to him about it - otherwise you're going to feel guilty as well as embarassed.

Original poster
GoHungry · 09/06/2010 17:41

ok have spoken to him, and am taking this on board honest.

He says that he wasn't hungry, he doesn't remember what he said but I suspect that he just reacted to being told it was teatime by saying something like "But it's not even 5:00."

He says that he didn't go into the kitchen when told which was wrong of him imo, but that the mum didn't come out to speak to him, she sent one of her children out to tell him that he comes now or gets nothing to which he responded that he wasn't hungry. She didn't say anything after that until she came out to tell him that she'd called me to come and pick him up.

I was a bit at the "annoyed" comment tbh. But yes I am obviously embarrassed at having to pick up my child from a playdate because of his behavior, although in the scheme of things it wasn't actually severe behavior.

The mum is socially very inept that is true. Don't get me wrong, I do like her, but she does struggle a bit, but she's had a fairly shit life so I suppose one makes allowances.

OP posts:
blackberryway · 09/06/2010 17:43

So, is getting his tea then?

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 09/06/2010 17:46

I had a shite life but I would never say to a guest they were not going to get any food if they didn't come now.

ApocalypseCheese · 09/06/2010 17:46

Ooohhh, give him some cheese on toast at least..............with nutella on !

muggglewump · 09/06/2010 17:47

I'd let him have his tea and write this off as a bad playdate evening being invited over for tea.

He'll probably not want to go again and no harm done, but you may want to grovel a bit with a cake after tea!

If the Mum is socially inept she perhaps feels a bit bad, but that doesn't mean your DS has to pay for it.

If your DS likes her DS, then you do the inviting in future.

Romilly70 · 09/06/2010 17:48

I would say the other mum is 90% to blame.
I hope your DS enjoys his tea now.
Chill out and have a nice evening!

Original poster
GoHungry · 09/06/2010 17:51

ah no fab I meant more in terms of that I make allowances for her social ineptness.

Yes I am going to give him some tea.

OP posts:
SloanyPony · 09/06/2010 17:55

Yep I'd say YABU on the basis that food should not be a punishment or a reward, children (within reason) should be able to manage their own appetites, and he is young to fully understand the social etiquette that surrounds mealtimes paricularly when they are taken at other people's houses.

If the mum is a bit socially inept, she may have spoken to him abruptly or weirdly in a way he wasn't used to which caused him to do the same. Behaviour breeds behaviour. That's a universal truth in children and adults.

As for whether I'd offer food, if he's hungry, yes I would, and I would sit down with him while he eats it and talk about what happened and how it might be managed better in future.

StealthPolarBear · 09/06/2010 17:58

I thought the advice if children refuse food was to take it away and not offer anything else? Keep getting people saying they won't starve if they miss a meal.
Am currently struggling with DS - should I be offering something later if he refuses tea?

StealthPolarBear · 09/06/2010 17:59

but it's not a punishment or reward. If you like the food, you either eat it or you don't. We as parents don't pander to the tantrums.

blackberryway · 09/06/2010 18:02

Only within reason surely stealthpolarbear? They don't mean don't offer anything else for the next 12+ hours! Yes offer him something later - it can still be your choice what you offer so you don't get into that 'I only eat choccie biscuits' thing.

peasandbeans · 09/06/2010 18:08

Within reason, yes, but if a child refuses to eat dinner I would think it reasonable not to offer them anything till breakfast. I certainly wouldn't be waking up my child in the middle of the night to offer a snack to tide him through till the morning.

On the other hand, if my child went to someone else's house and got offered food way before usual dinner time, and wasn't hungry, and then came home hungry at normal dinner time, then I would give a meal.

It all depends on the circumstances.

legallyblond · 09/06/2010 18:11

GoHungry - lloks like your question has been answered.

StealthPolarBear - I was a v difficult eater as a child (I always refused to eat at dinner time) and my parents got me out of it by saying that it was fine for me to go without dinner, but if I was hungry later, all I was allowed was plain bread and butter. After a few weeks (I think, could have been more like days) I was so bored of the bread and butter or nothing rule that I just ate at dinner time! So food wasn't a punishment and was always available if I was hungry later, its just that, by refusing dinner, I lost the choice over what I could eat and I lost the opportunity to eat yummy things!

blackberryway · 09/06/2010 18:11

But if a child has no dinner and assuming they've had no snacks then by the morning they won't have eaten since the previous lunchtime! That's far too long for anyone to go never mind a young child and I would feel terribly guilty about that.

colditz · 09/06/2010 18:19

You don't throw a guest out for telling you that they're not hungry, how fucked up is she??

Give your kid some dinner.

AgentZigzag · 09/06/2010 18:20

When DD1 went through her 'I'm not going to eat anything but chicken dips/chips/peas' I tried everything.

In the end I turned it round to make it her decision. OK, it's your choice not to eat that, but the only other thing on offer is a banana (which has everything they need in it).

It only lasted two days before she was eating anything I put down in front of her (still doesn't like onions though, which is fair enough)

Glad your lad's not wasting away to nothing OP

Limara · 09/06/2010 18:21

Glad you are going to give him tea

The mother sounds as though she's made a BIG fuss about nothing.

cory · 09/06/2010 18:21

I am certainly not into pandering to my children, but in this case your ds went without because the other mum is a loon- I'd feed him.

legallyblond · 09/06/2010 18:31

Exactly Agent Zigzag - that's what my parents did (but with bread and butter - probably less switched on nutritionally than you ). It totally works!

Manda25 · 09/06/2010 18:41

My son is a really good eater. He went to a friends house and refused to eat - was really baffled as to why. Later he explained that their house was really dirty (cats walking over the plates out on the side etc) and so he didn't want to eat there - but didn't want to tell the mum why as he didn't want to be rude lol

I too think it is VERY strange tat she called you to collect him !! - feed the poor kid