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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DH is over-reacting and being a twat

80 replies

SlightlyJaded · 07/06/2010 23:28

In a nutshell. I slapped six squares of 'sample paint' on our white kitchen wall yeterday. They are on the far wall in the corner and each square is about 6 inches square (otherwise you can't really tell can you???). They are varying shades of greys / taupes [yawn emotive] but we have black glossy cabinets, wooden floors and white tiles and anything more colourful, would (IMO) look ridiculous.

We have had a vague conversation about painting one of the walls the week before and knowing how hard DH works, and knowing I will be the one that ends up doing it anyway, I didn't think twice about slapping some samples up...

DH came home and went completely mental saying that I was just being 'pre-menstural' and knee-jerk, that I never consult him on anything and that I know how hard he is working and that he won't have time to paint for ages, so we will just have six messy paint patches on the wall for ages. When I said that I intended to do the job myself, he changed tack saying he hated all the colours (even though I know he prefers muted and neutral colours) but refused to consider or suggest any alternatives because I had not discussed it with him and it should be a 'joint decision'.

When I pointed out that the point of 'samples' was to 'sample' the colour to see if you liked it and i hadn't painted the whole house bright fucking pink, he said that it wasn't the point, and that I should have discussed what colour samples we tried and when we were going to do it. (He even mentioned the fact that is DD's party if four weeks and what will the guests think of our 'patchy wall' - the guests will be five years old....)

AIBU in thinking he is being an over-sensitive twat and that he should be grateful I am just getting on with it or am I actually just (whispers) being a bit selfish and thoughtless..... I am actually quite tempted to just paint the whole wall now but possibly that would be red rag to a bull?

OP posts:

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 08/06/2010 05:48

YABVVVU.

The kitchen should clearly be painted red.

sunnydelight · 08/06/2010 05:53

I hope by the time you read this you have got at least a cup of tea in bed and an apology.

He was being a twat.

Goblinchild · 08/06/2010 06:56

You're having a party with five year olds?
Go and select a range of exciting colours in sample pots, give them a couple each and retire to a safe distance.
I feel he needs perspective as to how bad things could get.

whomovedmychocolate · 08/06/2010 07:02

YANBU and he is being a twat. HTH

BigGitDad · 08/06/2010 07:12

Sounds a bit precious to me. I'd be greatful if my dw would do the bloody decorating!

HecateQueenOfWitches · 08/06/2010 07:13

I could understand it if you went and actually chose the paint - it's nice to decide that together, but to be cross that you chose a few samples to try out to see if you both liked them? [boggle]

Maybe he felt that you putting the samples on was you telling him he was Failing You you haven't done what you were supposed to so I have to do it. Do you think he had had a bad day and maybe was oversensitive and felt like you were criticising (in a passive aggressive way)

Or maybe he is a controlling bully. I dunno. Does he normally expect you to consult with him over every little thing?

If you're not allowed to choose anything without "consulting him" then tbh I'd be worried, if normally he trusts you to choose which loaf to get for example, then I'd put it down to bad day.

Which raises a very good question- why DO people take out their bad moods on the innocent people who love them? Come home from shitty day, be mean to your wife. Who has done nothing. Just causes bad feeling in your relationship, surely? People have no right to treat their loved ones as, I dunno, bloody stress balls!!!!

sparkle12mar08 · 08/06/2010 07:58

Hecate has hit it spot on. Without being aware of it, he's picked up on the "and knowing I will be the one that ends up doing it anyway, I didn't think twice about slapping some samples up..." part and has subconciously seen it as an infringement on his manly diy perogative. He doesn't want to be seen to be "Failing You" . He is being an idiot but I'm sure he'll get over it. Leave them up without comment for a few days and then ask him what he thinks of the colours again.

And why do we take out our bad moods on our loved ones? Same as why children push the boundaries more with parents on occassions, I reckon. We trust that the other person loves us enough to see that it's a bad day and not really meant, and that as long as we both understand that if the venting is just that, and not an actual personal attack, then saying sorry and making it up properly is usually okay.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 08/06/2010 08:00

Actually, yes, I agree with Hecate. Calling you "premenstrual and kneejerk" only makes sense if what he means is "...by assuming that just because I haven't done it yet I won't do it".

Original poster

SlightlyJaded · 08/06/2010 11:51

Hmmm interesting. He is having a hard time at work and does sometimes react unreasonably to things when he is strssed. I actually think it is a predominantely male trait to think it is acceptable to dump your mood on loved ones at will. And actually he may well be feeling a bit undermined etc but how typically twattish and immature to be unreasonable instead of articulatingthe real problem. So I still think iam not BU and he's a twat. And yes he is pobably better at decorating but if I waited for him we'd still be living in our first ever flat talking about wanting to strip the woodchip wallpaper off one day...

OP posts:

Malificence · 08/06/2010 12:15

I thought it sounded a bit "sleeping with the enemy" too.

I think it's safe to assume that this isn't about paint samples, or if it is he really needs to get a fucking grip on reality!

He is out of order and was being a twat.

I think you need to do what Britfish did. Assuming he has a sense of humour that is.

JaxTellersOldLady · 08/06/2010 12:20

oh dear, bad day at work, definitely!

I now put paint samples on lining paper and then I can move them around the room according to light to get a better feel for the colours. Would that help at all for future marital accord?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 08/06/2010 12:26

Oh, Slightly, I agree entirely that you are NBU (except you should paint the kitchen red), just speculating on his actual annoyance.

But yes, mine has spent the entire evening grumping around for no reason until I told him if he's stressed about uni I'll help him work out a way to carve out more studying time, but if he's staying up till midnight playing games then sleeping in, he doesn't get to grump at me over dinner.

He agreed that was fair enough.

Flisspaps · 08/06/2010 12:36

YANBU

But then DH and I picked our kitchen paint together (red) then when I'd finished he said I'd tricked him into having red paint, he wanted terracotta, not red

kansasmum · 08/06/2010 12:38

Geez your dp should count himself lucky-I have been known to paint entire rooms without consulting dh at all!
To be fair dh has never hated any colour I have chosen and has never cared if i do the decorating! He works an 80 hour week a lot of the time so is usually just relieved he doesn't have to do the painting!

Yup your dp is being a twat!

Firawla · 08/06/2010 12:40

yanbu i think you're really good to just get on with it yourself many people (such as me) would probably just be nagging the dh to do it

IngridFletcher · 08/06/2010 12:42

I have a friend whose DH made her take back some cushions she had bought because they are round and he only likes square cushions. He is a controlling knob in all areas though.

whatname · 08/06/2010 12:44

yanbu
my dh, after being asked, said yes all white was good for new loft room.numerous conversations.
After the decorator had painted it, he said, "but I never said white"????!!!!!!!!!!!

zipzap · 08/06/2010 14:23

Could you give him the dulux/crown/farrow and ball/etc leaflet with all the different colour choices in, and ask him to choose his favourite 6 too so you can paint his choices up too and then he can't complain about not having his colour choices too.

When I chose paint for my kitchen a while back I used masking tape to mark out some shapes along the wall and painted them different colours. DH liked it so much that I just added a couple more shapes in so that there were a few repeats of the colours and it looked meant to be, like a modern abstract bit of art painted directly onto the wall. Everybody used to comment positively on it, and were very surprised when I pointed out it was testers, I was thinking of choosing just one of the colours as a plain wall. Just realised that they stayed there for nearly 10 years until I moved and 'house doctored' it back to a nice plain neutral.

Guess I am trying to say that you can definitely do them so they don't look like patches but do look meant if you don't want them on lining paper.

Angelcat666 · 08/06/2010 14:46

YANBU Your dh is being a twat and way overreacting.

I'm single and have been for a while. I've painted walls, ceilings and even floors, unintentionally, I'm not the tidiest of painters

I've put up curtain poles, 'built' beds, wardrobes, drawers, bookcases etc. I can't see myself stopping even if I do end up in a relationship.

Of course I'd consult with him about colours etc first but would see nothing wrong with slapping a few colours on the walls to see how they looked first. If 'he' didn't like any of them I'd find some more.

mistletoekisses · 08/06/2010 14:52

I will go be the lone voice and say YABU. This would annoy me too. We went through tons of samples before picking colours for the kitchen / hallway. I put them up on a4 pieces of paper first - discarding ones outright that looked wrong.

When we were down to 3/4 colours that both DH and I liked - they went on the wall and then we picked out the colour. We only did this when we knew we had the time to paint the following week.

Your guests for the party most likely won't give it a second thought, but it will annoy the living hell out of your DH every time he sees them. If my DH had done this, he would have gotten an earful too tbh.

fascicle · 08/06/2010 14:53

Clearly yanbu and your dh is being unnecessarily stroppy.

Re paint samples - an alternative to painting colours directly onto the wall is to paint onto sheets of white paper and then hold up against the wall in different positions and lights.

LittleMissHissyFit · 08/06/2010 14:57

"tell him to fuck the fuck off them kick him in the manjo"

custy, you crack me up, every time!! Shame it wouldn't make quote of the week...

OP, yanbu, another hand going up for the 'overreacting twat' vote

minipie · 08/06/2010 15:02

I'm with mistletoe kisses - YABU to have done that without even trying to involve him.

OP, and ladies who say the OP INBU - would it have annoyed you if your DH had gone off, chosen a bunch of samples, and painted them on the kitchen wall without involving you?

I suspect it would. If so, then it's fair enough for him to be annoyed at you.

(Though obviously he shouldn't be having a hissy fit, even if it's fair for him to be cross).

GrendelsMum · 08/06/2010 15:12

I'd be honestly delighted if my DH went off, chose samples and painted them on the kitchen wall. This would be the most hands-on interest he's ever shown in paint colour choosing since the time he waited for me to paint an entire room alone and then announced he didn't like the colour.

BuckBuckMcFate · 08/06/2010 15:13

I'd faint if my DP went and bought paint samples and then actually got around to putting them up on the wall!

OP - YADNBU - they are only paint SAMPLES. I don't understand people getting all anal about the whole thing. Even if you had done the whole wall, it can be easily repainted.

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