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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want to lend my friend anymore books

37 replies

mrspir8 · 07/06/2010 12:56

A while ago I lent a friend a book which was a little precious to me-it was a copy of another friend of mines debut novel, which i bought to support her (she is well on her way to becoming "a proper author") and I wanted to get as many of my mates to read her book as possible for some exposure for her.

This friend I lent it to subsequently went and lost it-lent it to someone else and I have never seen it since. She was very very apologetic and it wasn't a problem because I have since contacted my author freind and she has replaced my copy free of charge and she has signed it this time as well so that as a bonus.

However she has just asked to borrow some more books and is being a bit pushy about it-I dont want to lend her anything especially as these books she now wants to borrow are not as replaceable as the other. What should I say to her?

OP posts:
strawberrie · 07/06/2010 12:59

YANBU - I hate lending books. Other people might bend the spine [shudder]

Can you get out of it with vague, non-commital responses or will you have to be straight with her?

jenroy29 · 07/06/2010 13:00

Tell her No! because of the last time. I hate it when I lend something to someone and they don't respect that. A library would have charged her for loosing the book!

Poledra · 07/06/2010 13:00
TheProvincialLady · 07/06/2010 13:00

Just be honest and say you would rather not because you can't replace them. It is your friend who ought to be embarrassed by this, not you.

ZZZenAgain · 07/06/2010 13:03

don't lend if you don't want to. I lent a book in a foreign language to a friend who wanted to read it. It was nothing special so not the end of the world but she had scribbled all over it in pencil the translations for words she had not understood and had to look up.

Other than that, people always seem to take good care of my books but they are not anything really special, just books you can order anywhere.

twolittlemonkeys · 07/06/2010 13:03

Just be honest about it. My DH has loads of books which he keeps in pristine condition and when people ask to borrow them he just says, 'Sorry I don't lend books as most people don't look after them as well as I do'. I agree with TheProvincialLady - she ought to be embarrassed about being so pushy. Most people would understand if it's a book which is hard to replace.

RunforFun · 07/06/2010 13:04

YANBU. I've had too many books go missing this way, usually by my MIL so I've stopped lending to her. I even put my name in pencil inside the front cover. And anyway, She's perfectly capable of going to her local library.

Tell her no, you've lent it to someone and not got it back ... see if this shames her into returning it.

MayorNaze · 07/06/2010 13:05

if i have books that i think other people would like then i buy them a copy in the charity shop, that way they can do what they want with it.

hide all your books and say your dcs ate them

Teddyisonhisway · 07/06/2010 13:06

YANBU - I'm very precious about my books, they always come back coffee-cup ring on cover, crumbs of food between the pages, ripped pages, pages missing, kids have scribbled in them... it's pathetic and petty of me but it drives me crazy. I've lent books to people and never had them returned. NEVER, EVER AGAIN! I would rather friends think I'm uptight and precious than have an irreplaceable book ruined, but that's just me!

Original poster
mrspir8 · 07/06/2010 13:06

when I said not as replaceable-I just meant i would have to buy them again, they are simply fiction paperbacks but it's the principle they are mine and I like to re-read things I enjoy!

They are not by any means irreplaceable books simply, they are not free to replace like the other was.

OP posts:
Fibilou · 07/06/2010 13:07

No chance ! I never, ever lend anything to anyone unless I know 100% that it will come back, in the perfect condition that it left me.

I am really fussy about my stuff (particularly my cookery books of which I have over 300) and would be gutted if someone lost a precious book of mine, even if it were replaced. I would not have lent the book to start with And I don't think your friend could possibly expect you to agree when she has lost one already I would be too embarassed to ask again

And who on earth is rude enough to loan a loaned item without consulting the owner first ? .

nickelbabe · 07/06/2010 13:08

Okay, firstly, because you actually lent her a book in the first place, then it's your own silly fault.(especially as it's one you loved!!!)

i repeat the mantra that you should have in your head.

NEVER LEND ANYONE ANY BOOKS

if you lend a book to someone, consider it a gift. you have not lent it to them, you have given it to them.
if it's a book you want her to read, then buy her a bloody copy.
or tell her to fuck off and buy her own bloody books.

You never ever get them back.

I only lend books to people who live in my house.
(and get them back if i ever decide to move out!

DanJARMouse · 07/06/2010 13:09

I wouldnt.

I lent books to a "friend" once and never got them back.

The only person I will share books with is my Gran.... bless her, she reads a book and passes it to me, and then I ask her if she wants it back (usually says no!) I lend her my books and she asks me if I want them back (some I do, some I dont)

Just tell your friend outright that you are not comfortable lending books, but the library will no doubt lend to her!

ZZZenAgain · 07/06/2010 13:09

yes I see what you mean. If someone damages/loses a book that can easily be re-ordered and thus replaced, they should do so I should think.

I am not great at tact etc so I don't know how I would put it to her if she is being persistant (bit of a cheek under the circumstances really), but I think you will have to be forthright and say, I am sorry X but I no longer lend books out. I should think you can get it easily enough over amazon though.

moomaa · 07/06/2010 13:13

Tell her, and give her the real reason.

I hardly keep any books, if they're good, I like to share them with friends, and tell them to pass it on when they've finished it. If they're rubbish I send them to teh charity shop.

This thread reminds me though I lent next door a cook book that I want back and someone where I used to work gave me a book but I should check it was a gave rather than a lend!

plantsitter · 07/06/2010 13:14

I have a rule whereby I don't borrow books, ever, because I know I am not able to be careful with them and I like to read them in the bath and break the spines etc. So if someone offers to lend me one I only take it if it's actually a gift or 'pass it on' thing, or if it looks like somebody has already read it in the bath!

I think it's perfectly reasonable to say you're not lending people books any more because you don't get them back in the condition they left you - or in this case, at all!

nickelbabe · 07/06/2010 13:16

but obviously, zzzen, we don't advertise any particular bookseller over another, do we?

yes, i would also tell her that as she lent your book to someone else, then she must buy you a replacement for that, before you even contemplate lending further books (which you won't, even when she replaces the one she stole from you, as you'll repeat my mantra as above)

PersonalEnglandCoach · 07/06/2010 13:21

Another that say DON'T LEND!!
I've lent books to family on the rule that they come straight back and then I get the excuse of 'I've lent it to someone else. Didn't think you'd mind' and I've never got it back.

5DollarShake · 07/06/2010 13:35

Just tell her that you've lent the books to someone else, that someone else lent them on, and now they're lost. Sorreeeeeee.

If she doesn't get the hint, she has the hide of a rhinocerous.

saslou · 07/06/2010 13:47

If the book is replaceable and not expensive then I would give her one more chance (but not with an expensive/hard to replace book or one of sentimental value). I think she will (unfairly) hold it against you if you refuse. It comes down to whether you value the book more than the friendship. If you do, then fair enough, don't lend it. I feel this shouldn't be the case and really you shouldn't have to lend if you don't want to. If you do decide to lend then only do it one at a time.
(or you could hide your books and tell her you have lent them to someone else and they were lost)

BariatricObama · 07/06/2010 13:49

they are only books. it is ridiculous to be so precious about books.

Manda25 · 07/06/2010 14:07

I have two sets of books - since i made the mistake of lending one of fav books to a friend (it came back all warped - she had dropped it in the bath and covered in sun cream) - so now i buy second hand trashy/30 something type books ....which i lend out - and never get back....and then my OTHER books ...which i don't lend. Ever.

TinyPawz · 07/06/2010 14:39

Manda25 I am in awe!!! That is GENIUS

HelenFF · 07/06/2010 15:00

I hate lending books to people. You rarely get the back, and hardly ever get them back in the same condition. I remember being so disappointed when I was a kid and loved books so much I'd lend them to anyone, only to not get them back/get them back ruined.

Mind you I don't like lending most things. Friends of ours came over and asked to borrow our Wire dvd boxset. Didn't feel I could say no but now they've got the entire series and we haven't even used those dvds yet (watched it on tv, wanted it on dvd for rewatch at some point).

If I lend books now, I prefer to do it only with the assumption that I won't get them back.

BessieBoots · 07/06/2010 15:04

"mrspir8, can I borrow that book?"
"Oh, sorry, I've promised those to another friend. She's a lot like me, a bit obsessive about keeping books in good condition and bringing them back straight away! Oh, did I tell you, that my friend, the author, sent me another copy of her novel? I was so glad... I'm keeping all my books under lock and key from now on!"