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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask this of my family and friends?

36 replies

biddysmama · 07/06/2010 10:40

i'm getting married in the uk (where i live lol) next year...

my dad lives in ireland (county kerry) and was made redundant last year and cant find a job so theres him and his wife and 4 children on benefits, there is no way he can afford to come to my wedding unless he has a job by then (he wants a job, he has never been unemployed before!)

would i be unreasonable to put in my wedding invitations that more than anything i would like my dad (and his family, indcluding my nearly 1 year old brother i havent met yet)to be at my wedding and ask for 'donations' towards getting him here?

OP posts:
Original poster
biddysmama · 07/06/2010 10:41

as a wedding gift i mean?

if iabu fairynuff, but i'm getting upset (lovely pregnacy hormones are helping loads) that my dad said he cant come

OP posts:
Gay40 · 07/06/2010 10:45

No, I think it's fine. And to be honest, if I was going to a wedding, I'd rather help out in some practical way like that rather than buying a pointless gift or contributing to an exotic holiday

Perfectly reasonable, imo

compo · 07/06/2010 10:45

Can you afford to pay for him to come?

Or get married where he lives?

Sorry I don't think it's a good idea, plus he might be really embarassed on the day that everyone knows how skint he is

CMOTdibbler · 07/06/2010 10:47

I think your Dad might be very embarrassed if you put it in your invitations tbh. Talking informally to a few people, and telling them the situation would be a lot better

diddl · 07/06/2010 10:47

Sorry, but I wouldn´t want to be asked.

Also, he might get a job & be OK by the time you get married.

DuelingFanjo · 07/06/2010 10:48

Could you save enough between now and then to get the flights? Sometimes they are very cheap.

BessieBoots · 07/06/2010 10:48

That's a lovely idea, I'd be really happy to contribute to that if I was a guest at your wedding.

Mingg · 07/06/2010 10:49

I'd be happy to contribute too

Tangle · 07/06/2010 10:50

How many people are you inviting and how much would it cost to get your family over? Is the average cost/guest (or couple) roughly what you would anticipate spending on a wedding gift? How much could you afford to put in if there wasn't enough money raised? What would you do with any money that wasn't used for the trip?

I don't think its an intrinsically unreasonable thing to do, but I do think there are a few questions that might reasonably come up and to which you should have answers first.

LisaD1 · 07/06/2010 10:50

I think your dad would be embarrassed. Do you have a close friend you could chat to about it? Maybe some of your closer friends would help out so you don't have to make it public knowledge. If it were my friend I would gladly pay for one lot of flights as a gift.

BudaisintheZONE · 07/06/2010 10:51

I would be happy to contribute but if I was your Dad i would hate it.

Bunnyjo · 07/06/2010 10:55

Hmm it is a tough one. I can see the sentiment and think it is a wonderful thing you are trying to do, but I do think that your dad would be embarrased that everyone knows his financial situation and has contributed to him being at your wedding.

I really hope you can find the solution and that your dad gets to be at your wedding. Good luck.

Claire673 · 07/06/2010 11:02

It is a nice thought and I would be happy to donate if it were my friends wedding but I think your dad would maybe be a bit embarrassed by it.... I know I would be.

FluffyDonkey · 07/06/2010 11:08

I wouldn't broadcast his financial difficulties.

I'm paying for my brother and his girlfriend to come to my wedding (in France) - so flights, car hire, and hotel...but I know he'd be embarassed if other people knew he couldn't pay his own way.

Could you afford to pay for them yourself? Or just ask a few select people to help you (for example if you have any brothers or sisters by the same dad?)

Also, have a think about the budget for your wedding. Where can you save money?

If you ask your guests to contribute to your father's flights and then have a lavish extravaganda wedding (Ok, I'm exagerating) it may not be taken so well.

sanielle · 07/06/2010 11:10

I think that is such a sweet idea. But I would check with your dad first though so he doesn't feel embarrassed.

Maybe you could ask for travel vouchers? People might assume they are for you and your honeymoon that way, saving you both the embarrasment?

kreecherlivesupstairs · 07/06/2010 11:11

Could you keep the reason for the cash quiet? Rather than state on the invite that the money is to help your family to attend, just something vague about cash being welcomed. Just cross your fingers you don't get Marks vouchers instead.

HappyMummyOfOne · 07/06/2010 11:16

I think you're dad would not be happy if you were to word your invites or expect your guests to pay for him.

Can you not pay for him to come yourself? Its only a short flight/ferry from Ireland.

Original poster
biddysmama · 07/06/2010 11:22

the wedding is at registry office then pie and peas then buffet i'll make myself with a friend dj'ing in a function room.. i am ebaying for dresses and suits... we have 2 children and one due in 10 weeks so hardle well off ourselfs... he has a car so could come by ferry .. maybe if i speak to my grandad (mums dad) and other grandad (his dad) they will come up with something?

thanks for imput, atm iit was just an idea i was throwing about... hes only met dd once and he got his flights for his birthday and they could only afford for him to come over, i want all my family there

OP posts:
gtamom · 07/06/2010 11:51

Awww. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I hope you can scrounge up the fare to bring your dad over. I agree with the others, the man has pride, never been out of work before, being on benefits is probably humiliating him already. Your intentions are good, I agree with talk to some close people who have discretion and try and raise up enough fare for them all.
How much money are we talking about, I don't fly often and have no idea.
Bank loan maybe?

meathypocrite · 07/06/2010 12:03

this is why credit cards were invented!!

It's your wedding day, only one you're going to have...put the flights for them on your credit card and make it a gift to yourself to have your family there!!

gingerkirsty · 07/06/2010 12:10

Would he be embarrassed? I can't see a post where you say what you think on that.

If i received a wedding invite saying that, I'd think it was lovely and send you a cheque.

If your Dad doesn't mind, go for it.

And congratulations on the wedding and the new baby!

GeekOfTheWeek · 07/06/2010 12:13

Don't put it on cc. It will only exacerbate your financial situation.

Lovely idea but i suspect your dad would be embarassed.

Also many may put money in the card so too late to pay for the flights.

cheesesarnie · 07/06/2010 12:22

if it was me and my family invited to a wedding,id be deeply embarresed if i knew that everyone else attending knew my finacial situation and had paid my way.

your heart is in the right place.congratulations on upcoming wedding and hope it all works out with your dad.

Original poster
biddysmama · 07/06/2010 12:23

geekoftheweek.... thats why i thought to put the reason for needing/asking for money on the invitations...

OP posts:
DSM · 07/06/2010 12:29

You can get ryanair flights for very cheap, much cheaper than the ferry.

Agree with asking people for money generically rather than saying it's for your dads family who can't afford to come.

Though asking for money on wedding invitations is a hot topic on MN... from countless threads I've come to realise that it's a pretty 50/50 split on appropriateness.