To think that it is impossible to bring up your kids without doing them some sort of ''damage''?

[poshsinglemum]

They fuck you up your mum and dad,
They may not mean to, but they do.
They pass on all the faults they had,
And add some extra just for you.

Man passes misery to man,
It deepens like an ocean shelf.
So get out quickly as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself!

I love this poem by Philip Larkin.

IMo there are so many conflicting parenting styles, each claiming that that other parenting styles are wrong or damaging.

I think we should cut ourselves some slack. Do the best for your kids, love them and don't abuse them. Go out of your way not to harm them but don't stress about being the ''perfect'' parent as we are all human with faults and so are our kids.

Try to make their childhoods as magical as possible but don't stress if it dosn't represent something from a Boden magazine or Enid Blighton noval as we live in reality. (I'd secretly love dd to have an Enid Blighton childhood- will be more of a struggle as a single mum but not impossible)

I am not suggesting we make our kids miserable btw; just that we all have baggage and so will our littuns.

YANBU. I'm doing my best but I always feel everyone is breathing down my neck and tutting. My kids are happy and healthy though!

actually as a single parent I kinda see what your saying.

no doubt you are right - we can only do our best.

Actually I think most parents don't do their kids 'damage'. Most adults are pretty much fine. We are shaped by our parents but not damaged.

If your kids had en Enid Blyton childhood, they would be called stuff like Dick and Fanny and say odd things like "tuck box" and "oh, do be a brick, Anne, and make a heather bed". You would also never see them because they'd be off at boarding school and adventuring in the "hols". Would quite possibly be sexist and racist. Not something to aspire to imho, so don't feel bad

An Enid Blyton childhood would rot your teeth wouldn't it? That's the main thing I remember from those books, all the junk they got through in the course of one single burglary investigation.

PMSL at how much Enid Blyton mummies can remember!! I actually don't think I could handle ds being involved in all the adventures!! I'd be terrified for him

You've missed out the middle verse...

I think that when you have DCs of your own you understand your own parents. It isn't an easy job. I think that 'good enough' is fine. If you do your best, give unconditional love, security and respond to the DC you have, rather than the one you might like,you can't go far wrong.
The 'perfect' parent would be hell to live with IMO!

I have done nothing but cry this week thinking that I'm going to fuck up my 2 boys lives with my inconsistent parenting. I was having real problems trying to get through to and discipline my 4yr old.Last week I shouted, cried and gesticulated madly. Then Friday night I sat back and thought "What the hell am I doing?". The past few days have been lovely as I've praised, ignored bad behaviour and praised good and given DS1 a bit more attention and now I feel like if I keep this up I may be okay. I've stressed so much on trying to get DS1 to behave that it made him anxious and me even more anxious. I'm going to chill out a bit. Like your train of thought PSM. [SMILE]

Don't be too hard on yourself VirginonRidiculous-everyone has bad days. It is very easy to blame everything on mothers!

Just do everything perfectly for 16 years. Every word, gesture, look, everything perfectly. Simple.

Or do your best.

Yeh, I admit I have been hard on myself and him too since DS2 was born. It seems so important to have a 'well behaved child' that I focused on it too much to the point I think it backfired. So, time to chill out a bit more. God! This being a mother thing is sooooo hard. Who knew?

My parents totally f*cked my and db up. It's taken nearly 20 years to relearn our social skills and turn ourselves into semi decent human beings.

A huge learning curve for us and we haven't yet, and never would, pass on or enact their behaviour to our own children.

I love that my son is respectful, confident and speaks his mind without the fear of being beaten or belittled. I see little glimpses of what I could have been.....

Don't believe that there is any evidence to link parental behaviour with how child turns out-it is more complex than assuming behaviour will automatically rub off on children. There are peers to consider, together with a whole raft of cultural influences. we also tend to undersestimate children's resilience and resourcefulness in overcoming disadvantage. Unfortunately, there are too amny authors out there making money out of people who lack the confidence or insight to trust their own judgement.

Who likes people with absolutely no issues? I think you need some minor neuroses to make you more interesting and to help you get on in life. At least that's what I tell myself when I parent inconsistently - just making the kids more interesting...

[talking about minor things within the context of a safe loving environment obviously - not deliberate cruelty]

It's OK, we can afford the therapy, that is what we tell ourselves daily.

I think as long as you are somewhere in towards the middle (i.e not neglectful or smothering), they will be OK. Humans are extremely resilient creatures.

There is a huge amount of research linking parental behaviour to how children turn out, but of course there are many other influences.

" I see little glimpses of what I could have been....." Fireupthequattro I could have written your post. Your son sounds similar to my DD, it's amazing what good* parenting can do.

*I don't know if I am a good parent, but I am good enough, IYSWIM.

great post schmee

Agree. But I think for 'damage' you could substitute 'experience'. Life is 'damaging' in that it makes changes and leaves impressions on human beings.

Perhaps Larkin had a more miserable upbringing than Adrian Mitchell;

They tuck you up, your mum and dad
They read you Peter Rabbit, too.
They give you all the treats they had
And add some extra, just for you.

They were tucked up when they were small,
(Pink perfume, blue tobacco-smoke),
By those whose kiss healed any fall,
Whose laughter doubled any joke.

Man hands on happiness to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
So love your parents all you can
And have some cheerful kids yourself.

I do think though that in many ways our children grow up they way they do despite us rather than because of us.