To think that it is impossible to bring up your kids without doing them some sort of ''damage''?

[poshsinglemum]

They fuck you up your mum and dad,
They may not mean to, but they do.
They pass on all the faults they had,
And add some extra just for you.

Man passes misery to man,
It deepens like an ocean shelf.
So get out quickly as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself!

I love this poem by Philip Larkin.

IMo there are so many conflicting parenting styles, each claiming that that other parenting styles are wrong or damaging.

I think we should cut ourselves some slack. Do the best for your kids, love them and don't abuse them. Go out of your way not to harm them but don't stress about being the ''perfect'' parent as we are all human with faults and so are our kids.

Try to make their childhoods as magical as possible but don't stress if it dosn't represent something from a Boden magazine or Enid Blighton noval as we live in reality. (I'd secretly love dd to have an Enid Blighton childhood- will be more of a struggle as a single mum but not impossible)

I love Snublebuss' summary of her parents and realise much the same for mine. Ho hum (still winds me up as I haven't reached snuble's level of karma).
My view is, who wants perfect parents? Doesn't that give you an awful lot to live up to and nothing to moan about when you are an adult? So muddle along with the rest of us and when they ask in 30 years time why you did something, be prepared to say you were wrong.

I kind of don't get this 'nothing you can do so don't bother trying' philosophy. Surely if there's something you are going to have to apologise for in 30 years or so, you should do your best to try and change it now?

(BTW, am only talking about the stuff I know I don't do well at - not blaming my parents but recognising the correlation. Will prepare myself to apologise for the zillions of one or two other things my kids might not appreciate.)

I love that poem too and have thought about it a lot when I'm examining the reasons why I am the way I am (obviously it's mostly my parents fault, having seen a therapist!). And as a parent myself, I've seen more of the flaws in how they parented me.

Recently I did a parenting course and realsed how dysfunctional my parents' childhoods were (quite deeply, both of them) and what a good job they did inspite of that. I am actually quite amazed how much they have overcome. So, I don't think it "deepens like a coastal shelf" - it can get better. Hopefully I won't make some of the mistakes they made...gradually as the generations go on, we can improve!

Most of all though, I think we just have to stop too much self analysis combined with this attitude of blame. Then we will worry less about 'damaging' them or that they will perceive we've 'damaged' them.

marigold - I agree. My parents upbringings were fairly dreadful too. Dad didn't see his parents for years on end as they were in Nigeria. He was brought up by a Nanny Kath whom he loved more than his mum TBH. Sent to boarding school at 7. Mum lost her dad when she was 3, had to come home to the UK with her mum and sister, without a penny to their name. Grandpa's contribution to their upkeep was to send both girls to a convent boarding school - mum was 3! And her 13yr old sister wasn't allowed to see her in school because it would 'unsettle' her. She did all her mum's housework in the school holidays because granny was working long long hours - she was very lonely little girl.

But they were wonderful loving involved parents. They made mistakes but all of them forgivable and understandable. I think people who are fundamentally lving and good at heart manage a good enough job with their children. And for most people 'good enough' is good enough.

Don't agree with OP.
Agree with gramercy. you have to a some point, stop blaming your parents, for what ? letting them ruin your whole life, without taking any responsibility for it ?
I had a great childhood. if i could only do half as good a job as my mum , i would be pleased. although i also see she has many faults , as do we all. as it is, i am making a right bodge of my parenting and don't enjoy it very much.ds1 has been consistently testing for years and really wears me down. but we soldier on.

Working in education I hear of 'bad' parenting all the time, these are the parents who don't care or love their children, or using so are not aware of their children.

There are children who have nothing, who make mistakes, with parents who make mistakes BUT are loved, I don't worry about these children - they may never be rich but they will likely be happy!

And it only takes a small family, I have no aunties and uncles, my Dad doesn't want to know BUT my Mum and Grandma love me and gave me good morals - and I'm good

Less worry - more love I think?

Hmm. I'm liking this thread, all you lovely relaxed posters chipping away at my (occasional) terror of 'ruining' my children. Gotta get me some of that Will frame that alternative Larkin poem.

When I was planning on having children, I was determined never to fuck them up in the ways my parents had fucked me up.
Now a mother of two, I realise that I'm quite adept at fucking them up in my own unique and entirely different ways.
The only thing I hold true value with (which, sadly, my parents did not) is to be aware that I'm fallible, human and make mistakes -and to admit it and apologise to them when I screw up.
I have learnt not to expect perfection from myself, and neither should they.

"I realise that I'm quite adept at fucking them up in my own unique and entirely different ways"

ROFL

Agree with Iva - my mother had plenty of things going on that meant things were not great. I acknowledge that she wasn't able to do this, but it would have helped me to know that things were not okay really and for her to stop pretending that she was the perfect mother. It's really difficult to unpick your childhood if no one is honest with you about mistakes that were made. My mother still does it to me, telling me about how fab she was (not in so many words). And in many ways she was and is, I just would rather she could admit that things weren't perfect. There are loads of things that she did well that I do badly but I hope that my children will grow up knowing I love them, do my best but that no one is perfect, least of all mothers.

@robberbutton

Kids? Oh, those kids.

DH the other day: "Well, I'm not playing on my phone and ignoring him. He's playing with his cars and ignoring me!"
We had a wee chat about who was supposed to be learning what and from whom. DS is 19mo.

Hi Oblomov!

I work in education and I think that with love, hugs and a set of decent morals you really won't fuck them up much - good enough is good enough. I worry about mothers I know who agonise over every decision, put themselves under massive pressure to never cut a corner or put a foot wrong - we will always be able to find some fault with our parents, but takes real lack of care and neglect to really damage our kids imo.

My dd possibly has too many sweets, she doesn't always get 100% of my attention, I sent her to nursery at 10mo, I don't insist she sits at the table until everyone has finished eating, sometimes I forget to take a drink for her when we go out and I buy fruit shoots, sometimes I lose my patience and shout at her, I weaned her mainly on shop brought pots.. I could go on and on, but fundermentally I do a good job and am confident she will grow into an adult who is happy, able to form relationships, get a job and pursue her ambitions - wish I could say the same for all the kids I teach.