Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So, AIBU in thinking that MIL was rude yesterday - and what should/could I have said?

39 replies

MillieMummy · 06/06/2010 07:56

A bit petty really but has been bugging me since yesterday.

We visited MIL at her home yesterday; she lives about a 1hr 45min drive away and so we only see her about once every 6-8 weeks. She has been very ill recently so we have only seen her about 2 times since Xmas.

We were only staying for about 2.5 hrs yesterday - her illness has made her tiered and her home is small and not suitable for my two very lively DC's.

So, whilst we were there MIL's grown up daughter rang (my DP's sister). MIL took the call - she went into her bedroom, shut the door and spoke to her DD for about 20 mins. We were left talking to her husband, but AIBU in thinking it's rude to take a call when you have visitors? Her DD talks to her on the phone at least 4-5 times per week and visits weekly - she lives closer.

Considering that we had driven all the way to see her I think it would have been reasonable to have postponed the call until after we had left. It wasn't an emergency call, just a catch-up chat.

Views please - and what could I/should I have said to make a point. Was tempted to say 'was it something urgent?'

OP posts:
TartyMcFarty · 06/06/2010 08:01

I agree that it was rude, but not really worth dwelling on. Just don't go back in a hurry.

DSM · 06/06/2010 08:02

Not when the visitors are your own son, no. It's sad that you don't see her often, bit she obviously gets a lot more support from SIL and therefore SIL shouldn't get bumped just because you've come round for the day.

scrab806ble · 06/06/2010 08:04

Well, I understand how you feel, but just imagine if you had said that and it had been something urgent/personal/upsetting?
Maybe it was just something MIL or Dtr needed to talk about to each other? Agree from outside it seems like it could have waited but you really never know. Hope you feel a bit better about it soon.

MajorPettigrew · 06/06/2010 08:14

I would be glad of the break from my MIL tbh.

20 mins with no shrieking - bliss

Not worth getting wound up about really, but a bit rude of her. Sooo YABabitU, but so was she.

belgo · 06/06/2010 08:15

Agree with DSM. Obviously the SIL cares a great deal about her and should not get ignored because you finally decide to visit.

It's a shame you don;t get to see her more often, especially as she is ill and lives close.

thesecondcoming · 06/06/2010 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BubbaAndBump · 06/06/2010 08:41

I can understand why you were pissed off, although as majorP says, I'd be glad of the break. When my PILs come and stay (they live over 6 hrs drive away), they spend the first half hour saying how awful it is they don't see my DCs more often and how much they miss in their development etc etc, then they get their fecking newspapers out and do the crosswords while my over-excited children bounce around trying to get their attention!! I'm not as polite as you Millie and I say something pointed, which only makes me feel better briefly, and then there's even more friction between us than before

huffythethreadslayer · 06/06/2010 08:45

Thesecondcoming, my mum was always like this. DH actually had to ask her to turn down the telly twice when he asked for permission to marry me (old fashioned I know, but he's like someone out of the ark!).

And my dad would never take his eyes off the telly if football was on and both of them would go for a nap if the fancy took them, visitors or not.

They're both gone now and I would LOVE the opportunity to have mom fall asleep on me in the middle of a conversation. They were my parents and that's just the way they were. I expected my DH to accept that and to tolerate what some would consider rudeness because I know they weren't being rude. They just weren't bound by social convention so much.

I also agree with the fact that the phone call may have been important to your MIL, especially with her having been ill recently. Perhaps cutting her some slack would be a good call.

thesecondcoming · 06/06/2010 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Megatron · 06/06/2010 08:57

YABU. You don't say how many times a week your DP speaks to her by phone so perhaps she would do the same if he phoned when SIL was there? Your SIL has obviously been a great help to her mum when she's been ill and probably knows more about her illness/health so perhaps they were discussing that. My mum has been ill for quite some time now and we get to see her at least every month and she lives 6 hours away. Not easy with two small children but certainly do-able, maybe you could try to get to see her a little more often and maybe feel a little closer to her.

MrsGravy · 06/06/2010 09:02

YABU. Considering you still had your FIL there to 'entertain' you and it was close family, I don't think it was rude no. And factor in the illness - maybe she had something personal she wanted to discuss with her daughter?

I certainly wouldn't have caused an argument over it!

MissTrumpton · 06/06/2010 09:15

I would think it very odd if my mother wouldn't speak to me on the phone because she had to entertain my brother. Surely you can sit in the home of a very close relative for 20 mins while they speak to another very close relative. You not visiting very often shouldn't mean that your SIL gets passed over. Maybe they did cut their conversation short, 20 mins isn't a long call for family.

I think its rude to take a call if you have visitors but I don't really consider my parents or siblings as visitors.

diddl · 06/06/2010 09:22

YABU-she shouldn´t speak to one of her children because the other was there?

She gets tired-perhaps she was glad of the break because tbh you sound quite self centred and uncaring.

piscesmoon · 06/06/2010 09:30

You won't get a very good relationship if you get upset about petty details! Does it matter? You are one of the family and as such I can't see why she can't talk to another member of the family while you are there.
You had FIL's attention-is he not worth speaking to without MIL? It isn't as if she left you on your own.
If you are visiting family I think that you should be laid back and go with the flow-you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells wondering if you are upsetting someone. Couldn't you have asked to have a chat with SIL while she was on the phone?

TotalChaos · 06/06/2010 09:33

yabu. cut the ill person some slack here. would have been far ruder to say something than to do what your MIL did.

TheFallenMadonna · 06/06/2010 09:35

Your DH has been to see her more than twice since Christmas though right? Because she's been so ill.

You shouldn't be annoyed and you shouldn't say anyhting.

compo · 06/06/2010 09:36

I thought as she described fil as mil's 'husband' that maybe he isn't her dps dad and maybe they don't know him that well

personally unless it was an urgent call I would have thought sil could have rung later with op and her family had gone home

piscesmoon · 06/06/2010 09:47

If I am a MIL I will assume that DIL is part of the family and not someone who has to sit and be entertained-the only thing that I can see wrong is MIL might have said 'Oh do you want a word with xxxx'.

huffythethreadslayer · 06/06/2010 09:52

I've just re-read my post thesecondcoming. I was trying (in my inimitably clumsy way) to say that I can relate to your parental situation completely. My folks sound like yours. Always the telly blazing in the background.

Unlike your parents though, mine were never very child friendly. Not even when we were kids, but that's another story.

I just think the OP doesn't know how good she's got it! If my mum could be bothered to talk to ANY of us kids for 20 minutes I'd have been amazed. She was always too desparate to get rid of us.

And it's as others have said...you're close family. Mil shouldn't have to make allowances for you being there. You should take it as a compliment really....

sayithowitis · 06/06/2010 10:16

What you could/should have said is : I am so sorry , that we have not bothered to see you more during your long illness, or that we have helped or supported you in any way. I am sorry that we have left it all to , because it must have been difficult for you all. What can we do to put that right and to be more supportive in future?

piscesmoon · 06/06/2010 10:39

Having read it again I think that you are the one at fault. You have only seen her twice in 6 months, despite not living far away and her being ill. You know that she is tired and her house is unsuited to small lively DCs and yet you expect her to sit and entertain you because you have decided to visit. She probably wanted a 20 minute break! Could you not have offered to take her out, even if you only drove down to the local park and let the DCs run around?

mumofthreesweeties · 06/06/2010 10:42

YABU, it was only 20 minutes and why should she not talk on the phone just because you are there. It's not as if she picked up the phone during a job interview

diddl · 06/06/2010 11:55

When you say you´ve only seen MIL a couple of times since Christmas, I assume that means all off you, but that your husband has made more of an effort than that?

DetectivePotato · 06/06/2010 16:44

YANBU. It drives me mad when people do this. Unless its really important, then they should say "sorry, I have visitors, I'll call you back later." My nan does this and spends about 40 minutes on the phone. I have told her that I think it is rude.

Chandon · 06/06/2010 16:58

it would not have bothered me, at all.

Sounds like you are a bit insecure? It made you feel less important?

yabu

Swipe left for the next trending thread