So, AIBU in thinking that MIL was rude yesterday - and what should/could I have said?

[MillieMummy]

A bit petty really but has been bugging me since yesterday.

We visited MIL at her home yesterday; she lives about a 1hr 45min drive away and so we only see her about once every 6-8 weeks. She has been very ill recently so we have only seen her about 2 times since Xmas.

We were only staying for about 2.5 hrs yesterday - her illness has made her tiered and her home is small and not suitable for my two very lively DC's.

So, whilst we were there MIL's grown up daughter rang (my DP's sister). MIL took the call - she went into her bedroom, shut the door and spoke to her DD for about 20 mins. We were left talking to her husband, but AIBU in thinking it's rude to take a call when you have visitors? Her DD talks to her on the phone at least 4-5 times per week and visits weekly - she lives closer.

Considering that we had driven all the way to see her I think it would have been reasonable to have postponed the call until after we had left. It wasn't an emergency call, just a catch-up chat.

Views please - and what could I/should I have said to make a point. Was tempted to say 'was it something urgent?'

You don't sound very connected-family members are referred to as MIL's husband and MIL's grown up DD, as if they have no connection. I can only think there are tensions there in the first place. If you were all part of the same, relaxed family then you wouldn't bat an eye.

It's not a big deal really.

It is rude. I have a friend who does this (though not for as long as 20 minutes). It does make you feel less important than the person who has phoned. I never say anything though. What could she say? I just accept that if I am there and the phone rings that is what she does.

Not rude really, noy if you are all family. If my brother is at my mum's I always phone them then so I can speak to both of them, sort out dates for family visits etc, we hand the phone round and everyone speaks to everyone and generally it's quite a laugh. You could have said, "Oh was it Maisy? i would have loved a word, haven't caught up with her for ages!", then it all stays jolly and friendly. You should make every effort to keep in with SIL amd PIL - they are the make or break factor if your own relationship goes through a rough patch.

My parents live 1.5 hours away and we see them every 6-8 weeks too. Both are getting ancient and my Dad has leukaemia.

Phone calls are often taken, no biggie. My Dad ofetn disappears for some/all of our visit too, esp to escape the DC, which I completely understand. My mum, if we are staying the day, often has a short kip at some point to keep her energy up. All fair enough.

MIL and FIL live closer, we see them slightly more regularly, never known the phone to ring there. FIL wouldn't dream of disappearing for a snooze - he just falls asleep in his chair.

I think tbh you are being unfair and a bit precious. Lighten up, she's obviously comfortable around you to take a phone call, take it as a compliment. In normal circumstances I would think this, given that she's ill, she needs to be cut serious amounts of slack.

Taking calls - no big deal - you are family.

What I don't get is the bit about the place being small and not suitable for your dcs. Why on earth not as you don't go that often and they live within 2 hours drive away. Try not to think of it that you are gracing her with your visit - you are going to ensure she's OK and demonstrate that thing called family.

I do not get on with my mil at all. Thankfully she lives overseas but the downside is that we have to spend at least two weeks and lots of money to visit each time. Her home is small and child unfriendly - the village she lives in is small and child unfriendly and there are few kids and none his age. In short it's boring with zero to do - for anyone.

ds struggles when there and I struggle to fill the gap and entertain him and it's exhausting for me BUT it's his family and I don't want him to think less of that gran because she happens to live in circumstances that aren't condusive to a fun packed time.

I'm sure that 2.5 hours in a property that isn't 'suitable' will be fine. To me not 'suitable' would be a building site, a dangerous flat with live wire, a strip joint. Small is OK and you dcs should get to know that the elderly and ill often cannot offer a fun packed experience.

However, I feel that there might be other issues given the tone of your OP.

Yes she was rude, but if anyone had said something it should have been your husband. I find it odd she went upstairs to take the call if it's your husband's sister. My dad would have just put the phone on speaker and we'd have had a family natter.
Different if it's a friend of hers.

Why do some people think that whilst taking phonecalls with friends visiting is rude, but with family it's OK? Some people see their family less often than their friends. Perhaps the fact that some people don't extend basic social courtesies and consideration to their family members is the reason so many families on here seem to hate each other.
If you are talking to someone and another person phones you should always apologise to the person you are talking to if the phone rings and you decide to answer it.
If you live with the other person it's OK, although even then if husband and I were having an intimate chat I wouldn't expect either of us to answer it unless expecting to hear from the children if they are with their other parent or off galavanting.

With family you shouldn't need to walk on eggshells worrying about what they are thinking or sitting back and expecting to be entertained. It is all a fuss about nothing. OP could have said 'Oh could I have a word with xxx when you have finished?' You are never going to have a relaxed, friendly relationship if you take umbrage so easily!

There's a difference between sitting around expecting to be entertained and someone you only see for a few hours every couple of months leaving the room for a phone call. That is rude. I wouldn't do it, my family wouldn't do it.
If my husband's family did it (which they don't as his mum in particular is very well mannered) then I would consider it my husband's problem to deal with if he wished.
I think people have got ruder re phone etiquette though. It does imply the person on the phone is more important than the person you are with.

It is not rude to take a call and leave the room - it would be ruder to talk on the phone in the same room, thus denying everyone else the chance to carry on their conversations.

Remember that when your in-laws were younger the telephone would most likely have been in the hallway and it probably seems quite natural to them to leave the room to take a call - and they would never have dreamed of telling someone to call back, it just wasn't done.

I'm afraid that things that are ingrained when young do tend to stay with you - reasonable or not!

very sensible post Shelpit. agree.

My mother answers her phone every time it rings when she is with me. She seems to think that if she misses a call the world will cease to turn and life as we know it will collapse.

But, whatever your views upon the rudeness of your MIL hers seems to have been simply an issue of debatebale manners. You on the other hand are choosing to try and be offended and trying to think of rude responses that you can craft and throw at her. Pretty childish.

You will have a much better relationship if you don't get uptight about petty details. On a scale of 1-10 it doesn't rate highly-whereas getting on with family rates very highly.