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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Genuinely have no idea - family shit

45 replies

TheArmadillo · 05/06/2010 13:19

I've not be speaking to my family since nov 09. I said it would be for 3 months but haven't been back in touch as it has been the best fucking thing I have ever done in my life.

Even ds has benefitted from it hugely - his teacher even commented on the huge positive change in him.

However I am still having mental health problems as a result. Am medicated and waiting for counselling through a support group (which will be the first counselling I have had).

Since stopping contact with my parents I have got married and become pregnant. I also have no contact with any extended family as was all done through my parents and don't trust any of them enough to want it.

At the moment I have a desire to write a final letter to my parents asking them never to contact me again so to formalise arrangemnets IYSWIM and also to get rid of the few remaining ties. In particular the house that I jointly own with my mother. I want it transferred (and the mortgage) out of my name. As it could cause problems for me in the future (e.g. if I want to apply for council housing as we are very low income). Also I want the paperwork of mine and ds;s she has but don;t think it will matter hugely if I don;t get that back.

IS this a bad idea (especially as I am 32 weeks pregnant)? Would it be the equivilent of poking a wasps nest with a stick or would it be a sensible idea to get the ends tied up and all ties firmly severed. Would it be a bad idea to do now? Would it be better to wait?

I am not going to go back on the no contact that is not likely to change.

OP posts:
CantSupinate · 05/06/2010 13:21

Being a moral chicken, I think that I would write a letter about obtaining the paperwork and sorting out the house ownership without commenting in the letter on aspects of future contact (or not).

Ie, get what you want before dropping the bomb.

Pattertwig · 05/06/2010 13:21

I think the things like the house and paperwork are more important to finalise first, then focus on writing the "this is it" letter?

LadyintheRadiator · 05/06/2010 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 05/06/2010 13:23

I wouldn't write the letter, I would let things slide. I would go to the bank to ask about the mortgage and how to finish the arrangement. Do everything you can to not engage with your parents.
IME one approach to contact ends up with you back to square one.

Original poster
TheArmadillo · 05/06/2010 13:25

can't afford to get a solicitor unfortunately. I want to go with the 'legally I can make you sell the house and I would be prepared to do that if you don't just agree to take my name off' and hope it works.

Seperating the two things out is something I hadn't thought of. I;m gonna discuss that with dh - sounds like a good idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheArmadillo · 05/06/2010 13:26

unfortunately the house is rented out to tenants, I have no idea who the mortgage is with, no access to the account it is paid out of and no details etc on it. The only way to get them is through my mother. I also don't think they'll let me take my name off it until my name is off the deeds.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 05/06/2010 13:30

if you go through the land registry I think you can find out which company holds the mortgage on the property - it is the mortgage company that holds the deeds - you apply to them to get your name taken off the deeds & mortgage.

Katymac · 05/06/2010 13:31

Can you say "I really want this paperwork" & see what they say - if they are funny/odd say well if I give you the house (ie remove me from it) if I can have the paperwork?

If they just give you the paperwork then you can bring up the house

CarGirl · 05/06/2010 13:33

It seems to cost £4 to find out who owns it

Vallhala · 05/06/2010 13:53

Keep everything to a very formal minimum, in writing, just as a solicitor would, mark it "Without Prejudice" and keep a couple of copies. Save the personal stuff for another letter when and if you really, really feel the need for it.

Three years or so ago I too cut off all ties with one side of my family. It's the best thing I've done in years but I know how my own normally pretty solid confidence and self-assurred happiness would waver if I had to deal with them again, particularly in person. I wouldn't have any regrets about having no more to do with them but I would feel terribly cross and stressed at the stirring up of past emotions, especially if the family were awkward/unpleasant. I don't need that, and I'm not pregnant, so I'm as sure as hell you don't.

If you need to, write the personal letter, then put it in a locked drawer/attic for a week. When you return to it you may, as I did, conclude that there's no goddamned point and that to send it would only open a can of worms, these past few weeks or months being blissfully peaceful.

Original poster
TheArmadillo · 05/06/2010 14:09

Thanks for these.

I have got the details of ownership from landregistry somewhere as looked it up before so will check on there re mortgage company and see if I can contact them direct - they maybe able to help then.

The one thing I definately want is my name off the house. The paperwork stuff is all replaceable and tbh I can't really remember what they have got so can't be that important. But would like to see what it is if possible.

Vallhala - good idea about putting the letter away and reconsidering it in a week or so. WIll do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheArmadillo · 05/06/2010 14:11

The house I think there is something slightly dodgy as re self-declared mortgage thing so not sure they would be that happy about me not being on it. Plus it takes away an element of their control in that as far as they know I could be in a position to buy a house with dh but already being on another mortgage would be problematical so it still gives them an aspect of control. I'm not but still.

OP posts:
sanielle · 05/06/2010 15:46

OP Are you expecting money for your half of the mortgage? because if your mother needs to get the money some how it might get a bit messy.

Or are you just wanting rid of it?

CarGirl · 05/06/2010 17:07

Armadillo just wants rid.

I know it is possible for the deeds to be transferred without the other party being taken off the mortgage. It can happen in divorces, one party writes and asks to be taken off the mortgage if possible but then even if not possible to have their name taken off the deeds.

I should think once your name is off the deeds then it will open the way for you to be entitled to housing benefit if you qualify etc as if your name isn't on the deeds you have no entitlement to live in the property.

Getting your name off the mortgage is only necessary if you want to take out a mortgage at a future date.

I think you will have to pay for a solicitor to sort the deeds out but it will be a small price to pay tbh. Like you said you can issue the ultimatum that they get you off the mortgage (or prove that the mortgage company won't let you come off it) and deeds or force sale of the house. I think it is something you need to do because the long term implications financially will cause you issue after issue.

I am still gutted I never got an invite to your wedding though I so wanted to wish you well and congratulate you on having the strength to escape your family.

Original poster
TheArmadillo · 05/06/2010 19:40

I think cargirl has summed it up very well.

WRT to benefits and council housing I cannot be on the deeds of another property.

I don't want the money - even it I would be able to get it it would be tainted as theres.

I'm hoping to sell some stuff on monday that's worth quite a bit so maybe that will give me enough money to consult a solicitor over this. Depending on how much I can raise.

Didn't know that about the deeds - I knew that if you were on them you had to be on the mortgage. I didn't know that it was different the other way round.

This will be my last legal tie to my family and so one I definately want to get rid of.

thanks for all the advice

OP posts:
LadyintheRadiator · 05/06/2010 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 05/06/2010 22:13

If you have half a house and are on a low income and in rented property why would you not want bought out of your half of the house when you have dependant kids? Or would there be no profit as it's mortgaged to the hilt?

CarGirl · 05/06/2010 22:34

Armadillo's parents are toxic she needs out out out, Armadillo hasn't paid anything into the house they just used her to

a) get a mortgage to make money
b) use it as yet another controlling tool

Mingg · 05/06/2010 22:54

Surely it is more important to get your name off the mortgage than off the deeds? While the mortgage is in your name even if just jointly you are legally liable to make the agreed re-payments. What happens if your family stops paying for it? If your name is not on the deeds you will be left with a mortgage liability with nothing as collateral. Isn't it better to make sure you are removed from the mortgage (will the lender agree to this?) before you remove yourself from the deeds?

CarGirl · 05/06/2010 22:58

at the moment op can't get a mortgage because she technically has one, can't get housing benefit towards rent etc because she technically has a house. If mortgage company chases for money op doesn't care if house is repossessed!

Sometime independence from toxic parents is worth the risk of that IYSWIM.

Mingg · 05/06/2010 23:09

I am not talking about the house being repossessed. If the OP removes herself from the deeds (=is no longer the owner) but not from the mortgage and the family stops paying the mortgage, she is going to get chased for repayments and end up with bad credit rating as she, no longer being the legal owner, cannot put the house up for sale. I am sure that in the end the house would get repossessed but possibly only after the bailiffs would have taken everything worth taking from the OP. Also if the proceeds from the forced sale did not cover the mortgage the OP would remain liable for the remaining amount. I think the OP should clarify this before proceeding just to protect herself.

TottWriter · 05/06/2010 23:18

If you don't want to pay for a solicitor unless you absolutely have to, have you considered getting advice from the CAB? They'll know who to contact and can hel pword letters. And if they think you need to get a solicitor to handle the affair they'll tell you, and at least you'll know that it's worthwhile.

DP and I had financial issues (of a different type, but still quite complicated) and the CAB advisor we had was excellent. They're very good at being sensitive with health issues as well, because my DP has depression which was a major factor in everything. You might even find that they're willing to write letters for you and get people to respond to them on your behalf - I agree that if you can get someone else to make the contact, so much the better. If this mortgage is being used as a hook, then this sort of thing is clearly something that they would love you to contact them about. The more people between you and them in this, the better.

Original poster
TheArmadillo · 06/06/2010 06:41

Thank you for all this advice.

Basically while half the money would be lovely in theory it would involve years of legal battles to get plus it would be their money which I wouldn't want. It would not be worth what I would have to go through to get it. PLus most of it is mortgaged.

I do want to be off the mortgage but I can't do that without being off the deeds. PLus if my parents stopped paying they'd be at risk of going bankrupt/baliffs/repossession which they would never do (appearance is everything). I have nothing to lose as I said I am on a low income and don't own anything much apart from this house. It would be shitty but would basically leave me in the same situation I am in now.

We have found out the mortgage company through land registry. I am going to phone them on monday and ask their advice.

CAB - I hadn't thought of. Will see what mortgage company say and then go to them.

Thanks for this it has been very useful.

OP posts:
mummytime · 06/06/2010 07:51

Just don't let the mortgage company put you off talking to CAB.

Good luck!

CarGirl · 06/06/2010 08:09

After sleeping on it I think it is worth you forcing your parents hand in getting you off the mortgage and deeds even if it means them having to sell the house.

Do not discuss anything else with them, do it all by letter formally. Much of it will not need a solicitor initially find out the facts and then write to them stating that you are no longer prepared to remain on the mortgage and the deeds as you need to be free to buy a home with your husband (!) and that if necessary you will go through the courts to force sale of the house.

It will take a long time etc but I think the goal of being mortgage and deed free will be worth it and at the end of the day they may never wish to speak to you again - what an added bonus!

Def go to the CAB first and find out the procedure to get your name off the mortgage and deeds even if it means going through the courts. It may not be that expensive because you can collect and fill in forms from the courts yourself, represent yourself etc etc

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