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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Genuinely have no idea - family shit

45 replies

TheArmadillo · 05/06/2010 13:19

I've not be speaking to my family since nov 09. I said it would be for 3 months but haven't been back in touch as it has been the best fucking thing I have ever done in my life.

Even ds has benefitted from it hugely - his teacher even commented on the huge positive change in him.

However I am still having mental health problems as a result. Am medicated and waiting for counselling through a support group (which will be the first counselling I have had).

Since stopping contact with my parents I have got married and become pregnant. I also have no contact with any extended family as was all done through my parents and don't trust any of them enough to want it.

At the moment I have a desire to write a final letter to my parents asking them never to contact me again so to formalise arrangemnets IYSWIM and also to get rid of the few remaining ties. In particular the house that I jointly own with my mother. I want it transferred (and the mortgage) out of my name. As it could cause problems for me in the future (e.g. if I want to apply for council housing as we are very low income). Also I want the paperwork of mine and ds;s she has but don;t think it will matter hugely if I don;t get that back.

IS this a bad idea (especially as I am 32 weeks pregnant)? Would it be the equivilent of poking a wasps nest with a stick or would it be a sensible idea to get the ends tied up and all ties firmly severed. Would it be a bad idea to do now? Would it be better to wait?

I am not going to go back on the no contact that is not likely to change.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 06/06/2010 08:14

here is some good advice on the procedure

www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Advice/Legal-Issues/110955-getting-my-name-off-the-mortgage.html

If they can't/won't buy you out by taking your name off the mortgage then you apply to the courts to force sale of the house. I know it may seem mean to make the tenants evicted and your parents possibly lose money but what they did inititally was illegal and they know it.

Please get rid of these toxic people once and for all otherwise this issue will hang over you for the rest of your life making an impact on your options.

Original poster
TheArmadillo · 06/06/2010 08:22

Thanks for that - that link was really useful.

SO plan of action (as of tomorrow) is

  1. contact mortgage company and explain situation to them

  2. contact CAB and get their advice

and then hopefully I'll know what it is I need to do.

You're right in that I need to be off the mortgage and deeds and if they are forced to sell then that is what they will have to do. I don't think they will be though as they are financially reasonably well off and are mortgage free on their own property. Plus they have my sister to force into the same position

OP posts:
CarGirl · 06/06/2010 08:30

There you go then, stop pussy footing around them and get it sorted. It doesn't really make a difference to you if it takes months and months just do it all by formal recorded delivery letter only.

I think once you have initiated getting yourself removed off the mortgage and deeds then you could become eligible for housing benefit etc, just keep all the documentation to show that you are forcing sale of the house etc and that it's tenanted so you can't be living there.

Get yourself on the housing list too.

I wonder if a little carrott dangling of "this needs to be resolved before I can contemplate any contact" may help, then you can contemplate and decide no you are happier without them in your life trying to manipulate you.

Come back for moral support!

Original poster
TheArmadillo · 06/06/2010 08:33

thank you - as usual you have given great advice and support.

Thanks

OP posts:
JodieO · 06/06/2010 08:41

I know from experience that it isn't as simple as her transferring the mortgage out of your name. She will have to apply for a mortgage on her own in order to get you off it. Some people are less than willing to do anything of those sorts, again, going through it with dp and his family. Long and horrible story which may result in me losing my house....

TheBride · 06/06/2010 09:30

JodieO is right. The mortgage company won't just say "oh okay then". They will have to satisfy themselves that OP's mother can undertake the mortgage on her own and that they are prepared to lend on that basis(and presumably she can't which is why the OP went in with her in the first place).

If this isnt possible then they could force the sale of the house. The OP (as mortgagee) would still be liable for any shortfall in sales proceeds vs loan amount.

Armadillo- you definitely need to consult a solicitor/CAB on this, especially if there's a risk of negative equity

Best of luck.

CarGirl · 06/06/2010 09:36

I think the op parents probably did this to either avoid inheritance tax in the future or get around the premium on buy to let mortgages.

The op didn't go into this willingly it was something her parents did to continue to control her and prevent her from being able to move out of the family home (from memory!)

In the op circumstances I would rather have some negative equity to pay off than be stuck in rented but unable to claim help via housing benefit nor be able to buy a home. This may be exactly what her parents wanted........

TheBride · 06/06/2010 09:40

Cargirl- totally not questioning that OP is right to want to get out of this, but if she cant afford a few hundred quid for a solicitor then she probably cant afford to owe thousands to the mortgage company either, right?

Plus, if she owes money from a prior mortgage, that will seriously affect ability to get another one.

All I'm saying is that it makes sense for her to get some professional advice to make sure that it's done legally and with proper finality.

CarGirl · 06/06/2010 09:46

Yes absolutely essential to get legal advice but if you're bankrupt/got debts to pay etc and on a low income then you can still claim benefits (if you are entitled to them) if you are renting buy own another home elsewhere then you aren't entitled to housing benefit, to go on the council waiting list etc etc etc

Sadly op may have to consider bankruptcy but whilst her and her dh are on a low income that isn't the end of the world as you do eventually get discharged. The other possibility is to negotiate paying any negative back over a long period time with the interest frozen so that with the affects of inflation over several years it becomes a nomical amount.

Lots to consider but it's all going to take so much time anyway.

porcamiseria · 06/06/2010 11:40

agree with others, get the legal stuff sorted first

some things might be better left unsaid

Mingg · 06/06/2010 12:24

The OP should not have to consider bankruptcy while there is equity in the house. It is better for her to force the sale of the property if it comes to that than to take on someone's else's mortgage and the CAB can help her with that. I appreciate that her main concern might just be to get her parents out of her life for good but there is no point in getting herself in financial difficulties when there is no need to.

Mingg · 06/06/2010 12:25

No legal need that is though in the OP's eyes it might be worth it.

CarGirl · 06/06/2010 12:33

I guess the next step is to get the property valued and find out whether there is any equity in the property.

JodieO · 06/06/2010 14:22

Firstly I'd suggest finding out if the mother is even willing to do it, if she says no then it will be a long and drawn out process. Dp's situation is slightly more complicated in that him and his brother went on the mortgage to save their mother from having to give half the house to former joint mortgage person (it's complicated) and this was when he was only around 19. Can't force house sale as 2 younger sisters live there pre-teen and young teen. Mother can't get mortgage on her own and brother (who said he's go on mortgage with her still) isn't working.

This means that now I need to get my ex of my mortgage but can't get one alone, I need him on it with me but he can't as he's on with his mum..... I'm expecting our first baby on Christmas day and I have 3 young children of my own. Pretty stuck unless they sort something out. It's so unbelieveable you couldn't write it, honestly. Sigh. Sorry for dumping my crap on here but wanted to try and explain.

Original poster
TheArmadillo · 07/06/2010 11:03

Thanks again for all your advice.

I have booked appt with mortgage company next week. They will do a review of the mortgage with me (so I know how much it is for etc) and advise me on what I need to do if I want to come off it.

Still trying to contact CAB but will keep on with that.

Hopefully by next week I will have a better idea of what position I am in and what I need to do from the mortgage company;s point of view.

The company also want details of my income/outgoings which I suspect will cause problems as my mother did a self declared mortgage and has probably lied on it at least wrt to me.

At least I'm getting on the path to sorting it out.

OP posts:
JodieO · 07/06/2010 15:00

I'm confused; why do the mortgage company want details of your income and outgoings if you want to come off the mortgage? I also don't understand why they are saying they will advise you on what you need to do to come off it as it is your mother that needs to do this. She needs to apply for one on her own and unless you force a house sale, there is absolutely nothing at all that you can do to change the mortgage without her applying for it on her own (or with someone else).

I only know this as I'm in a similar situation, as I outlined above both with my ex and dp with his mother.

Mingg · 07/06/2010 15:20

The mortgage company is reviewing the mortgage so I suspect that is why they want details of the OP's income/outgoings. Also I suspect the advice will be for the OP to get her mother to take over the whole mortgage/apply for a new one or they will suggest the OP forces a sale.

JodieO · 07/06/2010 17:20

A review shouldn't make any difference though, she is already on it regardless so they shouldn't need any details of income and outgoings as far as I'm aware. In my experience you have to actually apply for a new one too, you can't just take over an existing mortgage, again; just as far as I know though.

hairytriangle · 07/06/2010 17:28

Personally I think i'd just leave it letter-wise and just get the official stuff done, and get a solicitor to request the paperwork she has.

Moving on from this souns like it's done you and your daughter loads of good! Take care.

Mingg · 07/06/2010 17:29

Agree - they just want to have a look at her finances hence the "review". She might be able to have the mortgage transferred solely to her mother's name as she is also looking to transfer the property but all parties would have to agree

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