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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Step mother in law funeral

44 replies

am67 · 04/06/2010 20:58

Hi I am a new member and would appreciate your opinions on the following:

my husband has a stressful job which involves a lot of travel and intense working hours. He does not get much free time and does not have much change to relax.

We have a holiday booked to leave next Thursday for 10 days in majorca, DH, myself and our 2r old daughter. DH step mum died suddenly last week and the funeral is whilst we are an holiday. My fil has been married to her for 23 years but my husband were not close and probably didn't even like each other, they tolerated each other when they met, out of the 23 years they have been together my dh has spent less than 48hrs in her company.

My question is am i being unreasonable my not cancelling/postponing our holiday so that we can go to the funeral. My MIL says we are. I am thinking that my husband ahs a lot of stress for 50 weeks of the year and need to relax or he himself will have a heart attack and there will be another funeral to attend. Your comments please

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 04/06/2010 21:02

surely you are not to blame? Your husband doesn't want to go. If anyone should be 'blmed' by your MIL it should be him.

Get him to have a word with his Mother and sort it out.

MrsMellowdrummer · 04/06/2010 21:03

Surely he would be going as support for his Dad, just as much as to mark his step mother's passing?

I think only your husband can make the decision. It should be his call completely.

ruddynorah · 04/06/2010 21:05

what does your dh want to do? he may want to be there for his dad or other relatives.

OrmRenewed · 04/06/2010 21:06

It's not your business to decide about this. It's his. And fwiw, yes I think it would be unreasonable for him not to go. It's about FIL not step MIL. The living not the dead. Death trumps a holiday doesn't it?

lorelilee · 04/06/2010 21:08

All about what DH wants - he may want to be there for his Dad, I know I would....

Original poster

am67 · 04/06/2010 21:08

DH has been a support to his father, we live 200 miles away, he drove up on the day she died to support his father. It was a sudden death, a brain heomoragge (sp?) whilst gardening and we wanted to visit this weekend to show out support ( my parents live a few miles away and we wold atay with them) but Fil says no he does not want to put us and does not want to see us this weekend

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ruddynorah · 04/06/2010 21:12

who is 'us'? he may not want a house full when he has a load of stuff to get his head round. dh should prob go up this weekend on his own, as well as the funeral.

what does your dh want to do?

Original poster

am67 · 04/06/2010 21:12

Yes death trumps a holiday, but is it hypocritical if step mil family are not that sure whether they want the children of fomer marriage to attend as they feel that there was that much support during their lives together

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Original poster

am67 · 04/06/2010 21:15

Us is myself, Dh and our 2 y old. He already has 2 sons from step MIL first marriage and 1 girlfriend staying, plus the 22 yrd old son they have together. We would not be planning onsyatinh lon, but just calling in to show our support for 1/2 hr

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 04/06/2010 21:16

what does your DH want to do?

SongBiird · 04/06/2010 21:19

What does your dh want. And I mean what does he really want, because tbh it sounds like you don't want to cancel the holiday.

Surely it's his father, his father must be devastated having his wife of 23 yrs die so suddenly. Surely his father may need some support at his wife's funeral?

If your husband really doesn't want to go then that's it but in all honesty, I think it would be a little selfish of him.

LilRedWG · 04/06/2010 21:20

Just do what your DH wants. Not your decision I'm afraid - please do not try to help him decide.

onepieceoflollipop · 04/06/2010 21:20

As others have said it is up to your dh, completely. Are there other options, e.g for you to commence your holiday as normal (if it is not appropriate for you or the dcs to attend the funeral) and dh to follow on later?

Several people have asked what your dh wants to do and what he thinks.

Original poster

am67 · 04/06/2010 21:26

My dh is not sure what to do. His father is telling him not to go because he realises he does not have any time to relax ( and to be honest as a slightly overweight 43 yr old who does not know how to relax during the week - a prime candidate for a heart attack -my fil has said in the past that Dh need to learn to shut him self of from work and relax) MIL is playing theguilt trip and saying he should go even after doing nothing but slag of FIl for the last 20 odd years,

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LilRedWG · 04/06/2010 21:27

Hmmm - FIL may be saying that because he senses the unwillingness to go. Seriously, DH must decide this and soon.

GeekOfTheWeek · 04/06/2010 21:29

I would loathe to cancel a holiday but really I think if your dh has any kind of relationship with his father, and wants this to continue, he needs to attend the funeral.

Original poster

am67 · 04/06/2010 21:30

FIL will have support at the funeral 2 step sons, one son that he and hi wife had together and his daugther from 1st marriage. my dh also had a brother who died 3 years ago from a stress related heart attack ( another reason why I want and need my husband to be able to relax more )

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onepieceoflollipop · 04/06/2010 21:30

I think that mil should be ignored tbh. Unless the circumstances were very unusual she is unlikely to be giving impartial advice.

Dh needs to sort this out direct with his father. Is your fil the type to be manipulative or indecisive. i.e. if he tells dh that it's fine not to attend, will this become a big deal in the future if what he really means is that he does want your dh there?

Original poster

am67 · 04/06/2010 21:34

I don't think FIL has sensed the reluctance to attend the funeral. Dh offered to cancel the holiday, but FIl says he will not be happy if we do this. He says he knows dh has a stressful job and does not relax enough

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Gl4dys · 04/06/2010 21:35

Could he not come back for the day of the funeral or join you later? There are some very cheap flights and it might be possible to do it in a day (although maybe not that relaxing ).

MrsMellowdrummer · 04/06/2010 21:36

Thing is it makes a very big statement if he doesn't go, doesn't it. And it's difficult to judge the impact of that on relationships he has with the rest of his family.

You sound as if you really don't want him to go.

GeekOfTheWeek · 04/06/2010 21:36

am67 imo you are desperate to not cancel this holiday.

Try to not influence your dh or I suspect he may resent you if it causes ructions with his family.

On the other hand I wouldn't have attended my fathers wifes funeral as I couldn't stand her and had next to no contact with the cow her.

OrmRenewed · 04/06/2010 21:37

Well if FIL has said this then that is the answer. It's not really an AIBU at all

I'd want to go to support FIL but if he has categorically said not to, there's your answer. He'll need more support later - the bereaved often say that once the funeral is over, the support seems to dry up

Katisha · 04/06/2010 21:37

WHy is this running in two threads?

Original poster

am67 · 04/06/2010 21:38

I have a great respect for FIL and feel that if he says something this is what he means, even in these hard times he is having at the moment. MIL on the other hand sometime has a hidden agenda and has on occassion been known to stir up trouble between her Dcs and their father

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