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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Step mother in law funeral

44 replies

am67 · 04/06/2010 20:58

Hi I am a new member and would appreciate your opinions on the following:

my husband has a stressful job which involves a lot of travel and intense working hours. He does not get much free time and does not have much change to relax.

We have a holiday booked to leave next Thursday for 10 days in majorca, DH, myself and our 2r old daughter. DH step mum died suddenly last week and the funeral is whilst we are an holiday. My fil has been married to her for 23 years but my husband were not close and probably didn't even like each other, they tolerated each other when they met, out of the 23 years they have been together my dh has spent less than 48hrs in her company.

My question is am i being unreasonable my not cancelling/postponing our holiday so that we can go to the funeral. My MIL says we are. I am thinking that my husband ahs a lot of stress for 50 weeks of the year and need to relax or he himself will have a heart attack and there will be another funeral to attend. Your comments please

OP posts:

sanielle · 04/06/2010 21:41

I think the death of a step mother would be covered under your insurance. You are being unreasonable to not put your holiday off (not cancel, postpone)for a week or so

Original poster

am67 · 04/06/2010 21:57

Thanks for all you answers, i'm going to show this to DH tomorrow, he has fallen asleep now watching TV.

OP posts:

LilRedWG · 04/06/2010 22:00

Whatever you decide I am sorry for your loss. Take care.

Quattrocento · 04/06/2010 22:17

Funerals are compulsory imo. Also they only last for a day - so your dh could just fly back and fly out again

Original poster

am67 · 05/06/2010 07:09

According to MIL would still be disrespectful if only DH went - I should go as well!

OP posts:

SongBiird · 05/06/2010 08:28

So you don't want to go. I don't understand why you wouldn't tbh. Although you fil will have other children there I do think it will stand out if you and your dh are the only ones not there ifswim.

Check with your insurance, maybe you could delay it, maybe your husband could get some bereavement leave?

saslou · 05/06/2010 08:58

I'd go on holiday. It would be different if your DH had been close to his step mother or if your FIl had no other support, but he does. I think your FIL will be in more need of you in the months and years to come. I think you should enjoy your holiday and not feel guilty as your FIL has said it is okay for you to go. Ignore your MIL. Don't see why she cares so much about your DH attending the funeral of her exH 2nd wife!

holdingpattern · 05/06/2010 08:59

am67 stop making excuse after excuse. Your DH dad wife/partner of 23 years has died. If he is worth being called a son, he will go to support his dad - regardless of other step children being there.

Holiday vs death hmmmm such a hard question

Megatron · 05/06/2010 09:09

This would be a no brainer for me, it wouldn't even be a consideration NOT to go. It has to be for your DH to decide though.

grumpypants · 05/06/2010 09:19

you go on holiday, dh stays to support his dad. No brainer.

LittleMissHissyFit · 05/06/2010 13:13

If it were a close relationship, it's one thing, it wasn't.

FIL says it's OK not to go, FIL HAS support from stepMILs family and their own so.

As long as DH makes an effort to be there for his dad once he's back, then why NOT go on the long planned and needed holiday. DH can call his dad in the morning to make sure he knows that he's being thought of.

FWIW, I wouldn't go to my stepmothers funeral, and she's been with my dad for 20odd years, she's been nothing but divisive over the years, no love lost at all. My dad wouldn't expect me to go either.

Tell your DH you will support him in whatever he decides to do and let him make the decision. You don't need to cancel the holiday, unless your DH wants to postpone it.

LittleMissHissyFit · 05/06/2010 13:14

own son

marcopront · 05/06/2010 13:59

Having lost my step mother I say go.

The support your DH will give his father is very different to that anyone else can give. The son from that marriage has lost his mother as have her sons from a previous marriage.

I had split up with my partner about 6 weeks before my step mum died, he still came to her funeral. It is different, she was a lovely woman and the only grandmother my daughter knew.

As others have said it is about your DH's father not the step MIL. I would say the only decision is do you and DC children go?

ChunkyChick · 05/06/2010 14:06

Difficult one. Probably the best option would be for your dh to fly back over for the day if he can. Don't think you and your dc need to go. I wouldn't cancel or postpone the holiday if there were to be a huge financial cost involved.

MrsC2010 · 05/06/2010 18:04

If it were our family I think we would go without a second thought. I can't believe the consideration of a holiday takes precedence at all to be honest.

Original poster

am67 · 08/06/2010 20:25

Turns out that I let our annual travel insurance policy lapse. Have now taken out a new annual policy but obviously after the event! So cancelling the policy is not an option. Postpone by a few days - tour operator are not being helpful and saying that if w do not show up four our flight (the first leg of our package ) then they cannot guarantee that the hotel room will be available if we take a later flight. Am not prepared to take the risk with a 2 year old that we do not have a hotel to stay in.

So at the moment it loks like we are cancelling the holiday at our cost and rebooking a late deal to fly out the day after the funeral.

the last thing we want to do is to cause bad feeling, although Dh is now stressing because of the guilt trip being but on him by the step brothers. Bear in mind that this supposodly close step family is one that I have never met the step brothers, even though
we have been married for 16 years and have been together since we were 16 years old( which is almost 26 years) .

OP posts:

Original poster

am67 · 08/06/2010 20:38

Ah now turns out that Sil has been on the phone saying that her Dh can't go to the funeral due to work commitments and that she needs her brother to support her. This is the women who would not let her children visit there grandad at his home incase the step mum was there. SIl feels that she was responsible for the break up of their parents marriage when they were in their late teens and has never been forgiven.

OP posts:

Original poster

am67 · 08/06/2010 21:02

why is family life so difficult

OP posts:

Tiredmumno1 · 08/06/2010 21:21

i am sorry to say that if that was me i wouldnt go to the funeral, i would go away, mostly because of the obvious non existing relationship between the pair.

your dh can be there for his father after. and no i am not heartless just realistic that i would not attend a funeral of someone i didnt get on with or see a lot.

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