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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not have a joint bank account with DH?

67 replies

BusyMissIzzy · 04/06/2010 12:31

Reading another thread, I just wondered how common/uncommon it is for couples to have separate bank accounts. DH and I have one joint account, but only for when we get cheques in joint names. We keep our money separate; until recently DH paid the mortgage and I paid everything else, and that worked out roughly equal (I'm now on maternity leave so DH pays everything except grocery shopping). We'd take turns to pay for meals out/treats etc. Is this weird? It's just the way we've always done it, and it seems to work for us. Only thing is he earns more so has more "spare" money, but I think that's fair enough as he's earned it.

OP posts:
joanhunterdunn · 04/06/2010 14:24

I earn more than my DH (erm, rather a lot more) and we have a joint bank account. We get personal spending money (the same amount).

We're a team, we both work just as hard, but contribute different things.

TheBride · 04/06/2010 15:15

Having read many many threads on here re money disputes, I don't think joint accounts vs. separate accounts is the real issue, although it seems to be something people feel very strongly about. It's more about your attitude to money as a couple and having the same approach to money management/ spending/ saving.

I don't think it's "bad" to either have everything joint, everything separate, or in between. It's just horses for courses.

Oenopod · 04/06/2010 15:30

We have a joint account that both monies go into, and all bills and spending comes out of.

In the past my DH has earned more than me and then I've overtaken him and at the moment I'm a bit less than him but rapidly catching up and hope to overtake him in the next year and then some!

I started my own business two years ago so wasn't earning anything for the first year.

He's seen me through 3 years of study with only part time work and then once I qualified he travelled the world with me while I worked and he lived as a kept man!

Swings and roundabouts. If my DH were not the man he is I would insist on separate accounts.

theressomethingaboutmarie · 04/06/2010 15:35

We have separate accounts into which our wages our paid. We then put an equal amount (we now earn the same) into our joint account for bills and then take it in turns to pay for other things. It works pretty well.

noyoucant · 04/06/2010 16:20

My wife and I have the same arrangement as CardiCorgi. Joint bank account that everything goes into (she earns a little more than me at the moment), and then we transfer a little out (same amount for both of us) into our individual accounts (that we had before we were married) for 'pocket money' and personal stuff.

I'd agree with TheBride too. There's no reasonable/unreasonable arrangement per se. All that matters is that both people are happy with the arrangement; it's your attitudes to money and spending that are the key.

It's like sex - doesn't matter if you both have high, low or medium sex drives, as long as they're roughly similar you'll have fewer disagreements on the subject. But mismatched attitudes to spending, like mismatched sex drives, are often a row waiting to happen.

foreverastudent · 04/06/2010 16:25

I think it's unfair that his (??) spare money doesn't get shared equally between each of you. If you are both of equal value to each other, and I would hope this would be the case in all relationships, you should both have the same amount of 'spare money'.

singsinthebath · 04/06/2010 16:26

Separate accounts here.

DH earns a lot more than me, so he pays all the mortgage and bills. What I earn usually covers most of my expenditure but occasionally, if I'm going into the red, he'll pay my credit card bill for me.

For some things, like pressies, it would seem weird paying from a joint account.

MrsGangly · 04/06/2010 16:31

Until I started maternity leave at the beginning of the month, I earned more than my DH. Since we married (we didn't live together before), we have had a joint bank account. Both salaries go into it and we don't think about 'whose' money it is.

PiscesLondon · 04/06/2010 17:06

interesting thread.

i was (and still am) a student before i had my baby, although i worked part time self employed. DP earns alot more than i do, enough to be able to pay the mortgage, bills, pay for nights out/holidays etc... (my name is not on the mortgage)

when i stopped my part time self employement i was entitled to maternity allowance, which just stopped last week, so i guess i'll just be living on tax credits whilst i continue my studies, as i won't be able to continue with my part time self employed work

separate accounts for us, i suppose i'm going to really struggle now aswell so will have to ask him for some 'pocket money' from time to time. some days i find myself wanting a joint account so i won't have to ask for 'pocket money' but then i think is it fair on him?

hate the situation and long for the day i'm earning.

foureleven · 04/06/2010 17:18

We both work and have separate accounts. he earns more than me and pays for rent, bills. I pay for food and an amount of the rent that is proportionate to what I earn.

There are loads of reasons that we do it that way but cant be bothered with righting it all out because it looks like Im justifying our choice. It works for us, we have never argued about money.

He's very in tune with me and if he senses that I am getting concerned and running low he will step in and pay for the thing thats concerning me. And he'll do it really discreetly because he knows Im a proud person when it comes to supporting myself and our family.

Ive had loads of people, most recently my boss (who's wife is a SAHM so totally different circumstance) preach to me about how its weird that we dont share an account.. Ive been told that we must have trust issues, its unfair that I have less 'pin money' than DP blah blah blah...

I have to say though (and this is with no experience of the situation so i am probably out of line) if I was a SAHM or unemployed and looking for work, I would want a joint account. I couldnt bear asking for pocket money or being paid a salary by my DP.

MsHighwater · 04/06/2010 17:19

Joint account. All money is family money; always has been, always will be. It never occurred to dh and I to do it any differently.

I happily accept that many couples will choose to have separate accounts and that, for them, it works just fine. But, I am pretty sure that sometimes having separate accounts is a sign of something unhealthy in the relationship. How many threads are there here about women who end up with no personal spending because they are paying all the childcare and child-related expenses while the OH is playing with his pots of "fun" money?

Of course, for the same sort of reason, some couples certainly should have separate accounts in order that the dc and at least one of the parents are financially secure but, then again, what does that say about the relationship?

Horses for courses as long as everyone's happy.

PiscesLondon · 04/06/2010 17:24

foureleven -
I have to say though (and this is with no experience of the situation so i am probably out of line) if I was a SAHM or unemployed and looking for work, I would want a joint account. I couldnt bear asking for pocket money or being paid a salary by my DP.

i suppose i'm in the situation, even though i'm studying, and i don't think you're out of line at all. as i hinted in my post, asking for 'pocket money' isn't great. it actually makes me feel like a bit of a child and like he has all the power and control?

Slambang · 04/06/2010 17:29

IME the important thing is how you think about your money not where you put it.

Dh and I have separate accounts for historical and totally unimportant reasons (I lived in this country before him so had my own account first). We have been together more than 20 years and never argued about money as we both view all money as family money. Dh earns much more than me so I just tell him if he needs to write a few more cheques for dinner money or fill up the car. As long as you don't think of it as my money/his money there is no problem.

Loads of arguments about housework though

foureleven · 04/06/2010 17:36

Mshighwater; you are right 'sometimes' it is a sign of something unhealthy. But if that is the case then the separate/joint account is not the issue. Its just an effect of another issue.

However people who know we have a fabulous relationship have still argued with me that having separate accounts isnt healthy... the mind boggles..!

pisces That is how I would feel. If you have BOTH made the decision that one of you will stay at home, or study etc then you dont have your own earnings so I think it is a bit belittling to be given pocket money.. If he supported your decision to do what youre doing then he should value the work you do as much as he values his own... not pay you pocket money. IMHO.

MsHighwater · 04/06/2010 17:36

Slambang, you're right, I think, that the key thing is how the couple think of the money more than where it is. I still think that wanting to keep it separate sometimes indicates that the partners think of it as "mine" and "yours", with all that that can imply.

foureleven · 04/06/2010 17:37

slambang; get him to write a cheque out for a cleaner then

minipie · 04/06/2010 17:44

completely agree with Slambang

All money should be joint and shared

Doesn't mean you have to have it in a joint account - separate is fine as long as you both feel you have joint ownership/control.

DuelingFanjo · 04/06/2010 17:46

I don't control what my DH spends. Once all the bills are paid then what we have left from our own wages is ours to spend.

minipie · 04/06/2010 17:50

DF what happens if one of you stops earning for a while then?

NanBullen · 04/06/2010 17:51

I work in a bank and it's mostly younger couples (under say 35) who have a joint account for bills and then their own separate accounts that their wages are paid into.

Older couples tend to do what my parents do and just have one account for everything.

And there are the women who don't actually have a bank account and then are faced with actually having to deal with money and bills for the first time in their lives when their dh passes away

rimmer08 · 04/06/2010 18:02

same as trillian, we have a joint account for bills etc and our own accounts aswell. so no yanbu

Snobear4000 · 04/06/2010 19:53

YANBU. Perfectly sensible.

bowbluebell · 04/06/2010 20:02

Interesting thread.

A colleague (veteran bra-burner) once told me that emancipation is economic. The older and more 'married with two kids' I get, the more I understand what she means.

My parents have always had different accounts and don't know how much money each has. When mum lent dad money to buy his midlifecrisis car, she charged him interest at .05% below what the bank would have charged! They have the happiest relationship of almost any couple I know and never argue about money.

DH and I have seperate accounts and own seperate houses (we live in mine, rent his out). He pays me a 'salary', which means that we have similar incomes.Once we've paid what we've agreed to, what we do with the rest is up to us. I think that we might be unreasonable but it works for us....

orienteerer · 04/06/2010 20:06

Separate here for current a/c, we have a joint savings a/c which we never touch. DH works abroad (with dodgy internet link) & I have full access to his a/c to make transfers & pay bills. I have some rental income coming into my current a/c. Works for us.

lovechoc · 04/06/2010 20:12

we have both seperate and joint accounts.

DH pays all the bills from his own account and our joint account is only for cheques to us both and for the CB and CTC payments to go into. It's not really used for anything else.